He grips the styrofoam cup in his hand, the cold coffee leaving a bitter aftertaste in his mouth as it is forced down his esophagus. Three days. It has been three days since the accident. Three days since she drowned. Three days since she gave up. Three days since she died. Three days since he last slept.
It has only been three days. Three short days that have seemed like an eternity. Three short days in which he has relished every touch, every look, every breath, every moment with her, terrified that it may be his last.
As he walks down the hallways of Seattle Grace towards Meredith's room, several people glance at him curiously. His hair is unkempt, he is unshaven, and his eyes are blood shot. Basically, he looks like hell. He looks like hell and Derek Shepherd never looks like hell, but he could care less. He could care less because three days ago his world was turned upside down and he is still trying to recover from the dizziness.
He runs his hand roughly over his face as he turns down the hallway that leads to her room. Three days. That's too soon. She shouldn't be going home yet. She died just three days ago, that should warrant at least a week in the hospital…right? She had tubes down her throat for almost three hours. Three days for three hours just doesn't seem right. Hell, she still has the bruises on her chest from the compressions that he did in the ambulance as he was trying to bring her back to life. As he was trying to bring her back to him.
She tried to hide the bruises from him. She didn't want him to see just how broken she was. Just how broken she is. But he knows. He knows that she is broken into more pieces than her physical appearance implies. Three days. Three days in the hospital and not one visit, not one note, not one call from her father. Her mother died and she almost died, was dead, and nothing from that asshole. He doesn't get it. He doesn't get how someone could abandon someone as great as Meredith. He doesn't get how someone could break her so much that he is shuffling around searching for particles of dust as he tries so desperately to put her back together.
Humpy dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall
Isn't that the children's nursery rhyme they teach you at such a young age? It's like your parents are preparing you to be broken. They are preparing you for the fact that your whole world could shatter with one simple mishap, one wrong step.
For Meredith, for his Meredith, it is like someone pushed her off of the wall and then continued to break her shell into tiny pieces. She hasn't had it easy. He knows that. This past year, he is amazed that she has even survived. Although, technically, she didn't. Technically, she died. Technically, she gave up. But technicallys are simply technicalities.
Meredith. Meredith is reality. Meredith is his entire reality. He wants to rewrite that nursery rhyme so often told. He wants to be the King's man that is able to put Meredith back together again. He needs to be that man. He needs to be her knight in shining "whatever" as she so put it that morning three days ago.
"Hey, man," a familiar male voice calls somewhere to his left. He turns to face a person he once considered his best friend.
"You look like shit."
Derek sighs as he runs his hand over his face once again, the whiskers causing an unfamiliarity with his own face.
"Thanks."
Mark pats Derek on the back, earning him a glare in return.
"I was just saying…" Mark trails off the sentence, unsure of exactly how to finish it.
"Well, go tell it to someone who actually cares," Derek says as he walks away towards Meredith's room, leaving Mark watching him with a worried expression.
He approaches Meredith's room with a stomach full of knots. Knots tied unknowingly by her delicate fingers. Cold, blue, lifeless delicate fingers that hung limply at her side as he ran towards the ambulance with her in his arms.
He leans against the wall outside of her room, needing a moment to collect himself before he walks in and sees her. She's not ready to go home. He's not ready for her to go home. Here, there are monitors. Here, there are doctors. At home. At home it's just him. It's just him and it's already been made clear that he just isn't enough.
All the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!
So...I always wondered about Mer's hospital stay...they skipped over it completely...and Derek is having a hard time...a very hard time and it's not going to get any better. Let me know what you think. I'm a comment whore.
-Marci