A Very Hellsing Christmas
by DoomaWriter
Author's notes: Been quite a while. If it makes anyone feel better, I'd like to say I'm sorry. I would've updated sooner but two of my typewriting monkeys were suffering from writer's block and had to be shot and replaced. You won't believe the forms you gotta fill out. Well, now that I have enough monkeys on typewriters and helped them along with proper electroshock therapy, they've finally written the new chapter. Enjoy!
Chapter 4: Violent Night
Back at Santa's workshop, Alucard's body laid still as his blood leaked. Sticking up out of his back were an assortment of glimmering blades. Seras had backed up against the far wall along with the couple of elves who hadn't fainted or sat on the ground in a fetal position. She cursed herself for not agreeing to bring her Halconnen to the North Pole like her master suggested.
The tall figure ducked his head down to enter through the door. When he entered the light, his features were visable. The scar, the glasses, trenchcoat and his gloves with holy messages. Indeed, it was the priest Father Alexander Anderson. He stared at Alucard's carcass and laughed at his obvious triumph. "I come in search of an evil man in red and what do I find?" he said. The priest then looked up and surveyed around the room until his sight caught Seras. "Hellsing's pet vampire's pet vampire?"
"Wh-why are you here?" Seras questioned. Fear engulfed her more and more as the priest took his time to walk in her direction. When the elves beside her saw this, they all slowly inched away from her, attempting to save themselves. And when Seras saw them, she picked up two of the elves and shielded her face with them. "Y-you of all p-people shouldn't ha-hate Santa! You're on the s-same side!"
Anderson stopped and distorted his face with a look that suggested that the very statement was unheard of. "Same side? With that blasphemous man!?"
"Bl-blasphemous?" Seras questioned. The love for Santa made a hint of anger within her.
"This man flies around and belittles the meaning of Christmas! Children begin to think of him instead of our Savior upon his very birthday! Cringle is no more than a man who wants to corrupt their young minds and have them worship him in place of God! He is going up against the Ten Commandments and I must stop him before it goes on any further!"
The female vampire nearly fell over as she heard this. She dropped the elves, took a step forward and pointed a finger at the mistaken, blood- lusty priest. "You're wrong!" Seras exclaimed. "Everything Santa does is selfless! Isn't that right?" After hearing a long pause she turned to the two elves she was currently stepping on and asked again. "Well!? Isn't it?"
"Yeah! Sure! Whatever!" One of the two answered with a small bead of sweat on his face. Turning to his peers he asked, "That Nicholas is a saint, right guys?" The elves who remained conscious all gave hesitated words of agreement.
One of them walked over to a wall and covered up a poster which read: "Santa's Plan: Phase 1 - Earn Children's Trust. Phase 2 - ? Phase 3 - Profit"
"Lies from a corrupted horde of Satanic creatures!" Anderson yelled. He reached into his coat and smiled as two long scalpels slithered out. The weapons formed a glowing cross which accented the priest's glasses. " 'And lo, all the stupid elves shall be smitten! Amen.' "
Just then, one of the elves popped up behind Anderson with a glass of egg nog in his hand. "Wait a second!" he said. "Was that suppose to be a Bible excerpt? Where does it say 'stupid elves'?"
The giant holy man shifted his eyes. "It's in there," Anderson said quietly.
"Hold on a second, you look familiar." The elf with his special drink slurred. "Aren't you Alexander Anderson? You're that kid who was never on the good list!"
At that moment Seras noticed a throbbing vein on Anderson's forehead. Gritting his teeth, the priest said, "That fat man only brought me coal...year after year. The fact that a child as good as I could never get a gift is more than enough proof that something of the uttermost evil must be going on here."
"Well you were reasonably good, I suppose," the drunken elf said as he took a sip from his glass. "But you had this hobby of torturing little animals. You cut them up and everything, it was sick! Seriously, I bet one of my friends twenty bucks that you would grow up to be a psycho or-"
Unfortunately the elf never finished his sentence. He found it hard to form words with a large knife stuck in his cranium and jotting out of the back of his head. The elf fell backward, never to get up again. All the remaining, alive elves gasped at the atrocious act but one who chuckled to himself and said, "Looks like I just saved me twenty big ones."
One of the two elves under Seras' foot looked up and nudged the other with his elbow. "Hey, Gary," he called. "Is it me or did it just get darker in here?"
Upon hearing this, Anderson's eyes widened. He knew exactly where this was going.
Instantly the room took on a dark tint of red as confident laughter echoed throughout the workshop. Sounds of flesh and blood melting could be heard. Anderson turned around only to be bombarded by a swarm of bats which flew past him before merging together. The priest glanced over his shoulder to see a familiar high level vampire smiling back at him. "So the idiot priest never got his toy train?" Alucard said. "Maybe that explains why he's such a 'dedicated worker'?"
Then Seras remembered something from when they arrived. "Master was so happy when we came here," she told herself. "Was it because he knew that he was going to fight?
Alucard's hand vanished underneath his coat as he went to take out his Jackal. At the same time Anderson reached for a replacement for the blade used to silence the bothersome elf. Father Alexander was first to draw and for a moment, became a little fed up. You see, Alucard has this habit of taking his dear sweet time to take out his weapon. When he was finally done, Alucard pointed his weapon of extreme destruction at his enemy who spent the last few moments tapping his foot impatiently.
"Now, nosferatu," Anderson began, "prepare t-" The sentence was interrupted by the sound of a gunshot and Anderson's left arm hitting the ground. "Hmph! Don't think you've won just because-" The remaining arm joined its partner on the workshop floor. After looking at his fallen limbs, Anderson cleared his throat and faced Alucard again. "Funny story...I just remembered that I have a few people to visit tomorrow, and seeing as how late it is, I should go to bed soon."
"Right," Alucard replied with his cocky smile.
"I'm leaving now, but you won't be-"
"So lucky next time." Alucard said. "Yes, I'm familiar with the phrase."
The priest gritted his teeth as Bible pages fell out of his coat and wrapped around his entire body. From beneath the tornado of paper, Anderson said, "Till next time...Arucard," and then he was gone.
"Did he just call me 'Arucard'?" the vampire said with an agitated frown as he placed his gun away. "I rather dislike it when people do that."
"Uh, Master," Seras said as she walked off of the elves and joined Alucard's side. "Why didn't you do that from the start? Did you really needed to of stayed down for so long?"
With a chuckle Alucard turned to the female police officer, his eyes hiding behind orange lenses. "Sometimes I like to throw the dog a bone. Besides, it t'is the season to be giving."
"I suppose, but then..should you of shot his arms off?"
"Thank you for saving us," one of the elves said (the only one willing to go over to Alucard after seeing the huge weapon he holds). Of course, Alucard still didn't care much for the little ones and allowed Seras to speak up for him.
"Anything for Santa," Seras said. "Now, what was the other reason you needed Hellsing's help?"
"Well, me and the guys really need you to go into town and pick us up a couple of six-packs."
The words were like a blow to Seras' face. "What!?"
"Do you know how hard it is for an elf to get someone to believe that they're over 21?" The small one asked. "And no one wants to sell booze to 'mythical creatures'."
"Then what was the purpose of calling on Hellsing!?" Seras argued.
"You know, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Besides, we didn't expect for our calls to be answered by vampires. That and the fact that most places were closed."
---
The two citizens of the dead stood in the cold outside of the workshop. A big question forced Seras to say, "Master...Where are we going to find a place that sells beer at the North Pole?" The long silence told the female vampire that her question would never be answered. She then decided to ask an even bigger one, "How are we suppose to contact Integra to pick us up?" Once again her question was met by silence. "Master, would you rather we wait in the workshop than out in this snow?"
"Yes," Alucard said bluntly as he turned and hurried back toward the building.
Ten minutes later, a man heavily dressed in clothes made to fight the cold walked to the exact same spot Alucard and Seras had once stood. In his hands was a tray holding several packs of beer. He looked around and then sighed. " 'I know, why don't I sell beer at the North Pole?' " the man grumbled. "Real smart, Jerry. Real smart."
To be continued...
--------------------------------
Author's notes: I tell you, after seeing the Japanese version, it was really hard to write "vampire" instead of "vam-pai-yaa". It just sounds so cool. "Vampaiyaa"
Sorry if you were expecting a greater battle, but this is a humor only story. And I don't want to alarm anyone but I'd like to give the heads up that I will be writing an estimated two more chapters after this. I know it may seem a bit short, but it's better this way than a 30 chapter story about one night's events.
Author's notes: Been quite a while. If it makes anyone feel better, I'd like to say I'm sorry. I would've updated sooner but two of my typewriting monkeys were suffering from writer's block and had to be shot and replaced. You won't believe the forms you gotta fill out. Well, now that I have enough monkeys on typewriters and helped them along with proper electroshock therapy, they've finally written the new chapter. Enjoy!
Chapter 4: Violent Night
Back at Santa's workshop, Alucard's body laid still as his blood leaked. Sticking up out of his back were an assortment of glimmering blades. Seras had backed up against the far wall along with the couple of elves who hadn't fainted or sat on the ground in a fetal position. She cursed herself for not agreeing to bring her Halconnen to the North Pole like her master suggested.
The tall figure ducked his head down to enter through the door. When he entered the light, his features were visable. The scar, the glasses, trenchcoat and his gloves with holy messages. Indeed, it was the priest Father Alexander Anderson. He stared at Alucard's carcass and laughed at his obvious triumph. "I come in search of an evil man in red and what do I find?" he said. The priest then looked up and surveyed around the room until his sight caught Seras. "Hellsing's pet vampire's pet vampire?"
"Wh-why are you here?" Seras questioned. Fear engulfed her more and more as the priest took his time to walk in her direction. When the elves beside her saw this, they all slowly inched away from her, attempting to save themselves. And when Seras saw them, she picked up two of the elves and shielded her face with them. "Y-you of all p-people shouldn't ha-hate Santa! You're on the s-same side!"
Anderson stopped and distorted his face with a look that suggested that the very statement was unheard of. "Same side? With that blasphemous man!?"
"Bl-blasphemous?" Seras questioned. The love for Santa made a hint of anger within her.
"This man flies around and belittles the meaning of Christmas! Children begin to think of him instead of our Savior upon his very birthday! Cringle is no more than a man who wants to corrupt their young minds and have them worship him in place of God! He is going up against the Ten Commandments and I must stop him before it goes on any further!"
The female vampire nearly fell over as she heard this. She dropped the elves, took a step forward and pointed a finger at the mistaken, blood- lusty priest. "You're wrong!" Seras exclaimed. "Everything Santa does is selfless! Isn't that right?" After hearing a long pause she turned to the two elves she was currently stepping on and asked again. "Well!? Isn't it?"
"Yeah! Sure! Whatever!" One of the two answered with a small bead of sweat on his face. Turning to his peers he asked, "That Nicholas is a saint, right guys?" The elves who remained conscious all gave hesitated words of agreement.
One of them walked over to a wall and covered up a poster which read: "Santa's Plan: Phase 1 - Earn Children's Trust. Phase 2 - ? Phase 3 - Profit"
"Lies from a corrupted horde of Satanic creatures!" Anderson yelled. He reached into his coat and smiled as two long scalpels slithered out. The weapons formed a glowing cross which accented the priest's glasses. " 'And lo, all the stupid elves shall be smitten! Amen.' "
Just then, one of the elves popped up behind Anderson with a glass of egg nog in his hand. "Wait a second!" he said. "Was that suppose to be a Bible excerpt? Where does it say 'stupid elves'?"
The giant holy man shifted his eyes. "It's in there," Anderson said quietly.
"Hold on a second, you look familiar." The elf with his special drink slurred. "Aren't you Alexander Anderson? You're that kid who was never on the good list!"
At that moment Seras noticed a throbbing vein on Anderson's forehead. Gritting his teeth, the priest said, "That fat man only brought me coal...year after year. The fact that a child as good as I could never get a gift is more than enough proof that something of the uttermost evil must be going on here."
"Well you were reasonably good, I suppose," the drunken elf said as he took a sip from his glass. "But you had this hobby of torturing little animals. You cut them up and everything, it was sick! Seriously, I bet one of my friends twenty bucks that you would grow up to be a psycho or-"
Unfortunately the elf never finished his sentence. He found it hard to form words with a large knife stuck in his cranium and jotting out of the back of his head. The elf fell backward, never to get up again. All the remaining, alive elves gasped at the atrocious act but one who chuckled to himself and said, "Looks like I just saved me twenty big ones."
One of the two elves under Seras' foot looked up and nudged the other with his elbow. "Hey, Gary," he called. "Is it me or did it just get darker in here?"
Upon hearing this, Anderson's eyes widened. He knew exactly where this was going.
Instantly the room took on a dark tint of red as confident laughter echoed throughout the workshop. Sounds of flesh and blood melting could be heard. Anderson turned around only to be bombarded by a swarm of bats which flew past him before merging together. The priest glanced over his shoulder to see a familiar high level vampire smiling back at him. "So the idiot priest never got his toy train?" Alucard said. "Maybe that explains why he's such a 'dedicated worker'?"
Then Seras remembered something from when they arrived. "Master was so happy when we came here," she told herself. "Was it because he knew that he was going to fight?
Alucard's hand vanished underneath his coat as he went to take out his Jackal. At the same time Anderson reached for a replacement for the blade used to silence the bothersome elf. Father Alexander was first to draw and for a moment, became a little fed up. You see, Alucard has this habit of taking his dear sweet time to take out his weapon. When he was finally done, Alucard pointed his weapon of extreme destruction at his enemy who spent the last few moments tapping his foot impatiently.
"Now, nosferatu," Anderson began, "prepare t-" The sentence was interrupted by the sound of a gunshot and Anderson's left arm hitting the ground. "Hmph! Don't think you've won just because-" The remaining arm joined its partner on the workshop floor. After looking at his fallen limbs, Anderson cleared his throat and faced Alucard again. "Funny story...I just remembered that I have a few people to visit tomorrow, and seeing as how late it is, I should go to bed soon."
"Right," Alucard replied with his cocky smile.
"I'm leaving now, but you won't be-"
"So lucky next time." Alucard said. "Yes, I'm familiar with the phrase."
The priest gritted his teeth as Bible pages fell out of his coat and wrapped around his entire body. From beneath the tornado of paper, Anderson said, "Till next time...Arucard," and then he was gone.
"Did he just call me 'Arucard'?" the vampire said with an agitated frown as he placed his gun away. "I rather dislike it when people do that."
"Uh, Master," Seras said as she walked off of the elves and joined Alucard's side. "Why didn't you do that from the start? Did you really needed to of stayed down for so long?"
With a chuckle Alucard turned to the female police officer, his eyes hiding behind orange lenses. "Sometimes I like to throw the dog a bone. Besides, it t'is the season to be giving."
"I suppose, but then..should you of shot his arms off?"
"Thank you for saving us," one of the elves said (the only one willing to go over to Alucard after seeing the huge weapon he holds). Of course, Alucard still didn't care much for the little ones and allowed Seras to speak up for him.
"Anything for Santa," Seras said. "Now, what was the other reason you needed Hellsing's help?"
"Well, me and the guys really need you to go into town and pick us up a couple of six-packs."
The words were like a blow to Seras' face. "What!?"
"Do you know how hard it is for an elf to get someone to believe that they're over 21?" The small one asked. "And no one wants to sell booze to 'mythical creatures'."
"Then what was the purpose of calling on Hellsing!?" Seras argued.
"You know, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Besides, we didn't expect for our calls to be answered by vampires. That and the fact that most places were closed."
---
The two citizens of the dead stood in the cold outside of the workshop. A big question forced Seras to say, "Master...Where are we going to find a place that sells beer at the North Pole?" The long silence told the female vampire that her question would never be answered. She then decided to ask an even bigger one, "How are we suppose to contact Integra to pick us up?" Once again her question was met by silence. "Master, would you rather we wait in the workshop than out in this snow?"
"Yes," Alucard said bluntly as he turned and hurried back toward the building.
Ten minutes later, a man heavily dressed in clothes made to fight the cold walked to the exact same spot Alucard and Seras had once stood. In his hands was a tray holding several packs of beer. He looked around and then sighed. " 'I know, why don't I sell beer at the North Pole?' " the man grumbled. "Real smart, Jerry. Real smart."
To be continued...
--------------------------------
Author's notes: I tell you, after seeing the Japanese version, it was really hard to write "vampire" instead of "vam-pai-yaa". It just sounds so cool. "Vampaiyaa"
Sorry if you were expecting a greater battle, but this is a humor only story. And I don't want to alarm anyone but I'd like to give the heads up that I will be writing an estimated two more chapters after this. I know it may seem a bit short, but it's better this way than a 30 chapter story about one night's events.