The ownership of all characters related to and involving Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn and Midnight Sun, remain
the sole property of Stephanie Meyer, Little Brown and any affiliates. No copyrights have been infringed on maliciously.
MIDNIGHT SUN 2.0
~ CHAPTER SIXTEEN ~
COMPULSION
"What kind of flowers do you prefer?"
Forcing my lips to form the question through a fiery exhalation, I watched carefully as Bella's pale eyelids fluttered with uncertainty at my neutral question. Her relief was almost instantaneous as her shoulders – tensed inwards a she realised her answer could have so easily created an opportunity for another argument – uncurled in almost wary disbelief that I had granted her a reprieve from her unthinking confession. Fingers twirling nervously against the strands of hair knotted between them, Bella stared at me intently with widened eyes; trying to assess from my own dispassionate expression if she should proceed, but as I struggled to control the inner maelstrom of emotions her words had so effortlessly created, I realized that Bella had no idea that she had both destroyed and redefined every parameter I had ever set for our relationship in one fell swoop.
Obsession…
I understood the mechanics of the word and the actions behind it better than most. Having only recently discovered the immense power and control it could wield over its host, the experience was sharply etched into every exposed level of my conscious and into every hidden layer of my subconscious; it was not something that I was ever likely to outgrow or forget, as it represented a dangerous game of enthralment that more often than not was played with stakes beyond the price of what either party was willing to pay as it ultimately consumed the lives it dominated.
I knew that was what it would feel like to me in the end, but it was already too late. I had already succumbed; too weak to fight and too eager to fail, already so far past the point of no return that everything else – Bella's wellbeing, my families anonymity and what remained of my morality – felt almost unimportant in light of what we both wanted…what we were both powerless to fight against. Bella would willingly follow where I lead; be that to ruin or reward, but I could no more allow that to happen than I could allow her to become the terrifying vision in Alice's head. Existing in the hulking shadow of an overwhelming compulsion was no way to live for one so young when its existence meant the perpetual limbo of a life half lived; stuck halfway between the human realty of her world and the inhuman horror of mine.
I did not want that for her, but I did want it for myself.
To tie her to me by any means possible – even if they signalled my own failures – was what I wanted the most, but at what expense? How much more destructive could this prove to be if the obsession that so strongly compelled us both was left to nurture on its own? How much more would we be forced to sacrifice in order for it to allow its growth? How much more was there left to give from either side before it ultimately either tore us apart or destroyed us both? The rumble of discord within myself was hard to stifle as I resisted the urge to close my eyes at the impossibility that Bella represented. It created a resurgence of understanding that I had yet to consider, the understanding that the decisions I made concerning my actions in the future were no longer solely mine to decide; Bella would not allow me to simply walk away.
As the burden of my love visibly became more at ease – unaware of the tormenting introspection that felt as though it was yet another form of punishment I continually subjected myself to – before my eyes, the tension she expelled seemed to gather palpably between us before it drained away completely. Bella's confidence built with every millisecond that passed between us as I continued to remain silent to her admission until she finally uttered.
"Cactus blossoms."
The reply was unexpectedly Bella, but it almost laughable in light of the darkness I struggled against as I forced myself to nod thoughtfully, striving to appear interested in the words she uttered so not as to alert her to the truth that I was still too lost within my own thoughts to make much sense of her words. I tried to recall the exact moment that I had allowed this situation to be so uncontrollable, but I could not pinpoint it exactly…there were too many to accurately blame. It felt as though the axis of my life had somehow become misaligned again so soon after I had only just discovered its balance: one half tilted; off kilter and spiralling out of control, whilst the other half remained stationary, constant and confident of its place. They were equally perfect representations of both the fear I felt too much of and the hope I had no right to give in to.
Attempting once more to peer through the heavily-weighted curtain of my elusive future – certain that I was wasting my time as I was still too conflicted to know exactly what it was that I was looking for – I searched through Alice's foresight; clearing aside the murk of indecision and cloud of preservation, surprised almost that I found a glimmer of blinding light – a small parting between the folds that concealed so much from me. Surging forward, I moved to search past the hidden meanings and half-truths, desperate for any sense of guidance, but was stopped instantly by a strident warning that I had not expected from the one person just as determined to keep Bella within our fold as I was.
Edward – don't search for answers that you're unprepared to find unless you're willing to listen to me and allow me to help you! I gave you two options for Bella's future when I realised that she would be inexorably tied to your own; kill her or allow her to join our world, but you accepted neither, trying instead to alter your own future by fighting against what is so clearly there, but you're failing because you can't make up your own mind on what it is you want. Don't look to the moments that haven't happened yet, only concentrate on the moment you are in!
Flinching away from the sinister edge of a threat that Alice did not bother to hide, I closed my eyes briefly in defeat as I thought back to the tumultuous day in which I had decided that there would be a third choice for Bella; one that I had so far failed to implement in my inability to stay away from her. I had willingly forgone that option in light of the revelation of her feelings for me, but that certainty only brought with it regret now. Had I already condemned her to a future that none of us had a hope of controlling? Had I already placed an expiry date on a life that had barely begun?
Would my eternal damnation be hers?
An exasperated sigh from behind me made it apparent that Alice was growing wary of my melodrama as it continued to play havoc with her foresight, but as she was the one that had more than just a hand in the realty that made it so, it was only fair that she suffer from it as much as I did.
I understand that your more theatrical tendencies are hard to overcome, Edward, but could you at least try? I'm not telling you this to strengthen your doubts or give you any more excuses because apparently, you have enough of those already, I'm only warning you against a future that is subjective – you know this already. What was the point of all the struggle and sacrifice so far, if you can't even allow yourself to enjoy what you've fought so hard for? Stop second-guessing every decision you make and enjoy this for what it is. Oh, and one more thing…stop WALLOWING!
Lifting back lids that felt as though the weight of not only my world, but Bella's too rested on them, I deliberately purged my mind of any forethought or decision, allowing the blank spot I represented in Alice's mind-eye to become unambiguous and undefined in the wake of advice that I knew I should heed, but was still too undecided to take. Alice's harping aside, I had no idea what my next move was, but I was suddenly very wary of what its actions would create.
Surrender isn't always the easiest option, Edward. I know the consequences of that better than most and in your case, they could prove as potentially disastrous as my own, but perhaps, if with every decision you make, you feel as though your back is to the wall and you're unable to fight your way out, it's the best solution for everyone? The constant tug-of-war that you're struggling against will eventually only further weaken your resolve; it won't solve anything. I can feel that already.
The best solution for everyone? Who was everyone? I wanted to ask Jasper darkly as his own recommendation joined that of his beloveds. His words were similar to what Emmet had advised whilst hunting; easier for me, but not for Bella…and he too, was wrong. My newest brother could comprehend and dichotomize the emotions that tore at me, but he could never fully understand what it meant to be afraid of the very thing that he wanted the most. Did he think I didn't want to simply give in and surrender? Did he think that it wouldn't make my existence that much more bearable if I did? Did he not think that if I was given that option that I would not grab at it with fingers curled into claws of desperation and never let it go? Surrender wasn't achievable yet – I didn't know that it would ever be.
Red-hot fury rose swiftly over the thoughts in my head as I allowed it to consume the confusion, doubts, fears and regrets; purposefully sending a message that Jasper would instantly understand.
All right…all right. You've made your point. I'm sorry if my answer wasn't what you wanted to hear right now, Edward, but it was only a suggestion. I know that this is hard for you and that if allowed you would take the easiest option without a second's hesitation. Don't shut me out…I will still help you in any way that I can.
Ignoring his plea to keep the window of opportunity that I had stupidly provided to remain open, I viciously closed it as it turned my full attention back to Bella. I knew that I should have been more grateful for his earlier assistance in interpreting Bella's hidden motives, but as I eventually re-joined the conversation, recalling easily through the discordance in my mind her answer to my previous question, I suddenly felt as though the invasion I had allowed him access to was all to revealing. He wouldn't attempt to influence my current mood; he knew better than that, but I still wasn't going to provide him with the opportunity to try.
"Cactus blossoms?" I asked, forcing my facial muscles to relax and fall naturally in the stone-set of my face as I felt the constant curiosity this girl stirred within me once again surge to the fore as it swept aside everything else. "Why cactus blossoms, Bella?"
Rolling her slender shoulders in a movement that still conveyed a certain amount of unease that her answers would lead to ridicule on my part, Bella's gaze roved over me momentarily, unfazed by the time I had taken in-between her reply and my rejoinder; searching my closed face it seemed, for what I would not willingly disclose. I only hoped that my revealing eyes did not express the inequity I felt within.
"Deserts are not typically viewed as anything other than arid, desolate places devoid of life and colour, right? They're hard, harsh plains of existence that are usually only populated by plants that seem more alien than indigenous, so when these contradictions create a masterpiece of a flower that thrives under those conditions, how can you not sit up and take notice? Saguaro Cacti are not traditionally known for being anything other than prickly and uninviting, but because of their blooms, it somehow makes them more approachable and almost appealing. Of all the things about Phoenix that I miss the most, they definitely make the list."
Bella smiled pensively as she completed her defence of what most would not term as a favourable answer, slowly beginning to pull apart a left-over napkin; shredding it into a small pile of paper scraps that fluttered down to settle unevenly in the empty tray of Carbonara. My own fingers – clasped together tightly in front of me – itched rabidly to reach out to cover hers. Not because they wanted to stay the movements that obviously conveyed unconscious tension, but simply because I wanted to hold her hand.
No, Edward. No touching, no impulsive decisions, no more lapses. No mistakes!
Tightening the interlocking digits further to keep my promise, I arched a brow in very real surprise as I asked. "You don't strike me as the outdoors type, Bella."
Apart from taking advantage of the suns warmth on a rare cloudless day during her backyard sunbathing and the solitary excursion to the misty beach on a stretch of coastline that we were forbidden from ever seeing by way of a treaty made long ago, Bella's only other tentative exploration had been out into the forest that surrounded her home; the discovery of which had created a knot of unease within me which had only partially unravelled after warning her away from repeating it. My concern had been two fold; I did not want her venturing out into an area so densely concealing that she could become quickly disorientated and easily lost, but also because the shadowed woods were so easily accessible to those of my kind roaming the wilderness. Peter and Charlotte's visit – though they knew not to hunt in the area – had made me nervous enough, but just because they had departed did not mean that there were not others that would not hesitate to strike if provided an opportunity…and Bella provided an opportunity not many would pass up.
Smirking at me, Bella's eyes crinkled at the corners as she continued on with her mincing, shaking her head in mockery aimed more at herself as she heard the interest in my voice. "Not here, I'm not. It's too green, too…unfamiliar. In Phoenix, it was usually just an excuse to get out the house and find some peace and quiet, especially after Renée and Phil married." Snorting quietly to herself, Bella rolled her eyes at what was obviously her incredulity at her mother and step-father's extended honeymoon period. "Our back yard borders the outskirts of the Sonora Desert, so it was easy to go wandering for a while and lose myself in my thoughts. It was never far; no more than half-a-mile away from the house, but it was enough for what I needed and the cacti there were easy enough to find. Unfortunately the blossoms were always too high to pick and I certainly wasn't going to tangle with a cactus just to chance it, but I could admire them anyway."
Pausing to unhook a loose strand of hair as it curled against her ear, tickling the sensitive inner curve as she finished, I contemplate Bella's words. Her fondness for such an unappealing succulent was obvious; how would she react if I transported a smaller version of them up from her former home? I was certain that it would at lease help to ease the pangs of nostalgia that she would surely still feel and could not hide, but I was torn between the necessity of it and an impractical fate. A plant born of the driest desert would never flourish in Forks; it would rot and atrophy in all the moisture here, eventually dying in an unnatural state.
Would Bella – should she remain here for any length of time – react in the same way? Would she wither and die in unfamiliar surroundings, forced to exist in a place she did not belong and was not accustomed to?
The comparisons made me uncomfortable and I forced myself to move on before I could wallow again in what I could never change. "Least favorite flower?"
"Carnations," she answered almost immediately, scrunching up her nose in distaste. "I don't know if it's the smell or because they're always associated with death, but I just don't like them. I have the same low opinion about lilies; another flower associated with funerals. I know you must think that because I admire Virginia Woolf that I have some strange preoccupation for death, Edward, but I really don't."
A soft snort of displeasure from behind me made the smaller muscles around my mouth pull up into a tiny smile; Alice had a particular affinity for lilies, more specifically Arum and Day – multiple vases adorned most flat surfaces in our home, with no flower lasting more than a day or two before they were replaced and more were transported in from Seattle. This news would not please her…which pleased me immensely.
"I'm very happy to hear that you have no predilection for death, Bella. When is your birthday?"
My lack of knowledge on this significance had plagued me relentlessly as the opportunity to broach the subject had never arisen. I had no idea as to how I would proceed if Bella's had already passed, but it seemed almost criminal to not honour her birth in some way. It was, after all, a day that I would celebrate, even if she did not. The significance of the date in which we were born was not conventionally celebrated within the walls of our home; years passing to us had no real meaning, as they were merely that…years. There was no value placed on them, as they would continue on regardless for eternity. The last real birthday we had celebrated was Emmett's in 1935; the same year of his turning. It was not an event that any of us were keen on repeating.
"September, 13th. I'm a Virgo, if that's at all relevant."
The rolling motion of Bella's eyes told me that to her, it wasn't, but I grinned at her easy dismissal, absurdly pleased that I had not missed her birthday. Whilst one neural pathway thought over an appropriate gift for what would be her eighteenth birthday – a milestone in the eyes of most human's and one that I myself had never physically achieved – another considered her indifference to what so many believed was a relevant branch of social sciences. Astrology as a subject matter was at best a pseudo-science and at worst complete hokum, so I should not have expected the ever pragmatic Isabella to believe in it.
"When is yours?"
Bella's almost frantic attempt to steer the topic of conversation away from herself and towards me created a wider smirk of response that manipulated the muscles around my mouth. Her tenacity had to be admired, that was for certain, but as I continued to grin, Bella's internal bio-rhymes seemed to momentarily falter as she gulped almost convulsively whilst her cheeks burnt wildly.
Smoothing my features as my eyes narrowed in anxiety, I only relaxed partially as I heard her heart once again resume its normal rhyme, wondering what it was that had triggered the response. Blinking owlishly as I continued to watch and listen to her carefully, Bella looked up at me expectantly, as if easily dismissing a hiccup in her internal circuitry for the sake of the answer she wanted.
"Bella, this is about you, not me." I reproached quietly, still unhappy with what had happened, but not afraid that it would create any lasting damage. There was also another reason why I was disinclined to answer her; Bella knew already from what I had revealed that I was seventeen and had been for a while, and, to a certain degree, that had been the truth, but not the whole truth. Her easy acceptance of my vague answer at the time had been strongly indicative that she knew that it was not the truth, and that I was significantly older than she, but she had no way of realizing just how old I was. How would she react when she found out that my date of birth was within the first decade of the Twentieth century, whilst hers was in the eighth? Would she consider me too old for her, despite my youthful appearance? Would she consider me an aberration and recoil? Would it matter to her at all? Would it matter to me?
She already knows that you're a vampire, Edward, and that your stable diet is blood. I don't think the age difference is going to be an issue for Bella. Let it go.
Striving to regain focus and the proper perspective as I criticized myself, I almost groaned aloud as I noted Bella's scowl of displeasure. Her jaw had hardened at my evasive answer in a way that was becoming all too familiar and one that did not usually bode well for me.
"It's a simple question, Edward, and only one in comparison to the dozens that you have already asked me. You can carry on with your interrogation afterwards. Please?"
At the sound of that small, entreating verb, coupled with the wide-eyed appeal of brown depths that seemed to reach across space and time to me, I felt as though I had handed over control of my every action to the slender girl sitting opposite me. How was it that I felt so strongly compelled to bare secrets that I had so closely guarded for decades with just the simple arrangement of six alphabetical letters? I felt slightly uneasy as I realised that should Bella ever discover the power she so effortlessly exerted over me, it would be leverage that I had never allowed another to have; my trust in her was absolute, but it still went against years of entrenched dogma.
Still waiting patiently for my answer, Bella's brow arched as she opened her mouth, about to ask again, so in the name of keeping the peace and pacifying her at the same time, I relayed the bare bones of the answer she wanted. "June, 20th", I replied sardonically. "Gemini – just in case you were wondering and found the information relevant," I tacked on at the end, knowing that it wouldn't be.
Beaming back at me, Bella nodded in satisfaction, instantly pacified as she completed her task of destroying the napkin. "Thank you. Continue."
Picking up an unused fork, I twirled it between my fingers in a bid to keep them busy; they no longer listened to my command of remaining locked together as Bella's own were close enough to touch. "What do you dream about, Bella? What keeps you awake at night?"
Frowning slightly at me and the odd way I had phrased the next set of demands, Bella's eyes again passed with lingering glances over my face, searching for what lay hidden beneath the surface, but I kept my expression deadpanned as I anxiously waited for this reply. I was already intimately familiar with some of what kept her awake at night, but I still did not know if I was the main reason for the restless nights she suffered through. If I was, I promised myself I would stay away, but I knew that I would break that vow faster than I would make it.
"I don't really remember most of what I dream about; just bits and pieces that I try and fit together once I've woken up, but they never seem to make any sense. I suppose it's the subconscious's way of protecting itself from what could be potentially damaging. The real problem is that I'm not falling asleep very easily and when I eventually do, I'm restless and wake up often."
Scowling in displeasure as Bella only confirmed what I already knew; her restlessness was borderline insomnia, I again wondered if I was to blame. "Why can't you fallsleep? What's keeping you awake?"
Reacting to the intensity of my voice as I urged her to answer, Bella pulled away from me slightly before answering; all at once removing the temptation of her touchable fingers as she tucked them into the folds her arms. There was a slight puckering between the soft skin above her brow; as if she was carefully contemplating her answer, but it came quickly enough and was truthfully revealed. "Worrying about my Mom, worrying about Charlie, missing home – it could be any number of things, but I suspect that it's mainly due to the noise created by the constant rain. I haven't really grown accustomed to it, although if I'm honest, I probably haven't adjusted to Forks yet either. It's familiar because of the time spent here when I was younger, but still unfamiliar, if you know what I mean? I haven't quite settled in yet."
There was relief in this moment as I heard her reply…a respite created by the knowledge that I was not the disturbance that kept her awake at night, but it was almost instantly dispelled by the disturbance of her response. What was it about this town that she had yet to grow accustomed too? She had been born in it, and although there was no real sense of attachment and comfort with it, it still shouldn't have created such a disturbance in her slumber. Did this mean that she would never willingly settle here? Did it mean that once she was legally able to, she would leave without a second thought? Would I allow her to leave?
An hour earlier, I had been fighting against myself with every second that passed to stop from leaving here; the notion that Bella might have a similar idea come her graduation filled me with dread. There were some places that I could not easily follow…
"I'm sure that I'll eventually get used to it, Edward. Don't worry about it."
Nodding my head weakly at her answer though it gave me no real comfort as this new realisation sank in, I slumped back in my seat, allowing the influx from around me to permeate my mind. I should have been more guarded about permitting the intrusion, but once again I had allowed myself to become vulnerable to what I had never expected to hear and it brutally punished me for my neglect as I heard a voice I had tried my best to block out for the last hour…Newton's!
Look at them! A month ago he couldn't stand to be near her and now he's practically drooling over Bella. I thought she was different, I thought she was better, but she's just like the others, panting after him like a bitch in heat…
Stamping out the flow of words that incensed me to the point of murder, I locked my features in place as the boy's derogatory thoughts threatened to steal my control. Glancing quickly over to her Bella, I noted that her attentions had been diverted to wiping her hands on one of the only remaining napkins. Satisfied that for the moment she would not look up at me, I leant back further in my seat – indolently and naturally – and turning my head a fraction of a degree to the right, caught the nuisance in my peripheral vision as he glared at not only myself, but at Bella too. Clutching at the chair on which he sat with fingers white with strain as they buckled the hard plastic of the seat in squeaking protest, Mike's almost rabid gaze swung from Bella to my own as he scowled blackly at me; It was all the permission I needed to release the pent-up frustration that had finally found an outlet.
Edward, don't! It's not worth it! We can't afford to draw any more unnecessary attention to ourselves with reckless behaviour. You can't justify this no matter how angry you become and you know it!
Jasper's warning barely registered through the vengeance buzzing in my ears as I heard Emmett chuckle beneath his breath. He was not as concerned with our outward appearance as Jasper was and was almost uncaring as to the danger inherent in my palpable aggression as he was alerted to my plans by the direction of my retributive gaze.
About damn time, bro! I really don't think anybody would mind if he disappeared, Edward…not for a week at least and by then, the forest would have destroyed what was left of him.
Emmett's poorly aimed attempt at humour over the potential homicide of Newton would not have usually appealed to me this much, but in this instance, I could not help myself as I became caught up in the course of action brewing insidiously in his mind.
We would walk casually through the mass of students in the parking lot after the final bell had rung, separating as we each went to our own cars as normal; I would seat Bella in the Volvo, smiling at her reassuringly as I turned on the heater to keep her comfortable. Politely excusing myself, I would feign a wish to talk to my family and walk back towards Emmett's jeep parked two spaces away from Newton. Each of us would approach him from a different angle as he huddled in his jacket, fighting off the cold. Isolating him from the herd would be easy as we discussed menial topics with him, pushing him further and further into the forest before we would…
A sharp crack of a hard elbow being dug into equally hard ribs reverberated around the jumbled disquiet of the children around us; loudly clear in its disapproval as Alice recoiled from our makeshift plans, further aggravated by Emmett's muffled laughter.
Don't you dare! Find some other way of dealing with him, Edward, but not one that means a search party and grieving parents standing over an empty coffin!
Taking her words under reluctant advisement, I decided that ending his life prematurely probably wasn't the wisest move in my continued efforts to redeem myself, so instead I opted for teaching him a lesson instead.
Baring my teeth in a feral display, I snarled silently at the pest for only a split-second – too short really, for his to conscious to realize the naked aggression in the act – but it was enough to trigger the self-preservation that Bella continued to ignore as his survival instinct kicked-in and jolted him from his strop. Releasing his death grip of the chair with a suddenness that was jarring, Mike paled instantly as his heart skipped a beat, very nearly toppling over as the legs of his chair warped and buckled beneath him, skidding against the dull linoleum floor tiles as he overbalanced and quickly grabbed hold of the table to save himself the embarrassment of ending up on the floor. Both Tyler and Eric – still smarting over Mike's continued boasting that he could win Bella's affection and eager to retaliate in any way provided to them – almost choked on their meals as they laughed uproariously at their paler than normal classmate.
Perhaps now, Newton would begin to learn his place.
Grinning widely as I turned back to Bella, my mirth was cut short by the shrill ringing of the first bell, indicating that our hour – which had felt as though it had barely begun – was almost at an end. Bella's exhalation of relief matched that of the ringing, as if she expected that to call a halt to the inquisition that I felt had barely begun to satisfy my insatiable curiosity. The prospect of losing this time together was demoralizing; we had Biology together next, but I could hardly question her there as it posed another set of problems.
Gathering the empty trays and bottles together for disposal, Bella piled them together in front of her before rising from her seat without another word, completely ignoring my outstretched hands. Frowning at her lack of awareness in my own chivalry, I smoothly rose to join her, quickly taking back the disposables and arching a brow as I did it to challenge her refusal at my assistance. Moving quickly to dispose of them at the trash receptacles to the side, I maneuvered through the less than enthusiastic students making their way reluctantly out of the Cafeteria and into the hallways; it was only those of us that had biology next – and that horribly depressing movie still to watch – that for the next hour walked with a spring in their step. Moving back to Bella's side, I watched as she bent down to collect her bag from beside her seat; the heavy slid of hair partially obscuring her face as she fiddled with the straps and redistributed the weight of the books.
My siblings crossed my path as I waited for Bella at our table, though I did not look at them as I kept my gaze fixed to the center of my existence; my lack of acknowledgement did not stop their opinions from being heard. Emmett's was approving, not because of the relationship that he still could not understand, but because of the snapping of my leash in relation to Mike Newton – he would have felt guilty long after, but to his mind, his plan to weed him from the human population had been a valid one.
Grinning as he preceded Jasper and Alice out, he winked at me as he sauntered past…we can still get around Alice if we do it quickly.
Frowning at his words, words he knew were more subjective than Alice's ability to stop us before we acted; I shook my head as he continued to grin on his way out the cafeteria, his annoyance at me for my treatment of Rosalie last night a distant thought in his distant mind.
Jasper's was still wary and a touch reproachful as he walked a few paces behind Emmett, dragging the unwilling-to-leave Alice in his wake…that was reckless, Edward. I can sense how much he infuriates you, but this is still dangerous. Haven't you always been the one to lecture me on restraint?
Sighing in aggravation as I heard the mild condescension behind Jasper's words, I conceded that I shouldn't have expected anything less as I had lectured him often enough about conspicuous behaviour in the past. Rolling my eyes at him, I decided to point out to him tonight that vampires who lived in glass houses should not be the ones throwing stones.
Alice's thoughts was deliberately crafty as she pulled against Jasper's hold, slowing down their departure; she was trying to delay in the hopes that she could talk to Bella, but her efforts were being hampered by Jasper's unrelenting grip on her wrist and his ever hastening exit from the room as he amplified my irritation with him.
Just let me say hello – that's all, she whined, fuming as she realised her efforts were being thwarted by forces beyond even her control. Shaking my head, I smiled falsely at her. Fine, she spat silently at me as she passed. Be stubborn. It's only a matter of time before I get my way – whether it's through you or around you, Edward Cullen.
Curling my lip up at her in a disdainful farewell that left her sputtering, I turned my attention to Bella as she reached my slide, slinging her bag over her shoulder. I wanted to offer to carry the heavy weight, but I was sure that my efforts would be met with swift rejection. Watching as the small pucker formed between her eyes again, Bella ignored my seeking gaze, instead concentrating on the departing backs of my family; I knew that look and it was never a good sign as it usually involved her asking questions that I would have preferred unasked.
Bracing myself for it as I motioned with my hand towards the door, we left the cafeteria with the last remaining students lagging behind, walking through the almost empty hallways to our next class; I was not disappointed when the question came, though it was defiantly one that I would have preferred to not have to answer.
"Where's Rosalie today?"
Glancing down at my side, Bella's presence – though two feet away – was a solid envelopment of warmth that seemed to encapsulate every nerve in my body as it sent desire hurtling through the sensitive neuron-conductors of every receptor point in my body. Forcing myself to concentrate on her question, I looked away from Bella and the inescapable enticement she created, answering in a monotone; hoping that it would put an end a conversation that I did not want to have. "At home, I would assume. She was out when I left this morning to pick you up."
Despite my gratitude towards Rosalie for stumbling across Emmett, my thoughts of her had never been overly generous; not in in general as her lack of humility and self-absorption had always irked me and certainly not after her behaviour yesterday, but I would not reveal that to Bella. I did not want her unnecessarily concerned by the wishes and opinions of my family – they would never fully appreciate what I saw in her and my concerns now no longer revolved around wanting their understanding; I merely wanted their acceptance and their respect in that acceptance of my choice – it was nothing that I had not done for them before.
"Did you two have a fight?" Bella pressed inquisitively.
"Why do you ask?" I deflected instinctively, still slightly mystified by her perception. There had been no inflection in my answer to reveal the strife between Rosalie and I, so how could she known that?
"I've watched you around Rosalie and you're not the same with her as you are with the others. When you're around Alice, Emmett or Jasper, you're more relaxed and approachable. With Rosalie it's almost as though you're putting up with her more than wanting to spend time with her. It's obviously only an observation or course; I know nothing about your family life."
Ducking her head almost instantly, Bella's cheeks once again burnt as she let slip just how closely she had been observing my interactions with the other members of my family. It seemed as though, whilst I had been watching her exchanges with those in her social circle with feverish intensity, so to, had Bella been observing my own. How much more had she noticed regarding the dynamic of my family and was it really so noticeable – especially over the past weeks – that the patchy, tenuous harmony between Rosalie and I was no longer functioning?
A tense silence settled over us as we continued to slowly walk towards our class – mine contemplative, hers self-conscious – until eventually it became too much for Bella and she hastily backtracked, worried that she had somehow offended me. "Sorry, Edward," she uttered, clearly uncomfortable as she fidgeted with the sleeve of her jersey. "It was only speculation. I honestly didn't mean to pry about something that I don't understand."
And yet, with this simple explanation, it appeared as though she did. Her observational skill set was so uniquely formed already that it seemed implausible that there was anything that did escape her attention. Laughing gently at her; trying to ease her discomfort, I shook my head, though Bella did not see it as her gaze was still fixed to the fidgeting fingers at her wrist.
"You're not prying, Bella, and you have nothing to apologize for, really. It's just that I have to keep reminding myself that your powers of observation are incredibly defined already, that's all. My relationship with Rosalie has never been the easiest. We are complete opposites in almost every regard and therefore cannot function harmoniously together for any given period of time. Our areas of common interest have been narrowed down to two subjects: Emmett and the mechanics of motor vehicles. Aside from that, we tend to be fairly volatile around each other, so it's best – for everyone in the house – if we maintain a certain level of separation between us."
Lifting her gaze warily back to my own, Bella nibbled on her bottom lip as she digested the information I had just given her. It looked almost as though she was regretful for even asking the question, as though it was a sore subject. "Has it always been like that?"
No…only since your arrival has her jealousy threatened to unravel what is left of her moral fibre.
"Sometimes are worse than others, Bella," I hedged, feeling the wrath that I had been unable to fully purge from my system after yesterday's fiery argument filter through the dried marrow of my bones until it felt as though I was being burnt from the inside out. "But I've learnt to deal with her. Don't let it worry you."
Turning the last corner of the corridor to our right, the nosy hubbub of the students already seated in the biology lab reached my ears far before it reached Bella's, but her attention seemed divided as she shifted her bag from one shoulder to the next, cutting the angle of her approach as she avoided the wall to her right and moved fractionally closer to my body. The shudder of awareness saturated with yearning, desire, tenderness and agony shook my frame as the power of Bella's pull arced heatedly between us; unseen and inescapable. My body – already so utterly under Bella's spell – seemed incapable of maintaining the distance my mind had demanded as I veered off my straight course and allowed myself to curl in closer to her. It was an infraction I instantly regretted; not because I could not resist the lure that her blood sang out to me, but because of her reaction.
Bella's hand twitched fractionally away from her side as I drew closer; her fingers uncurling, then clenching again as my own flexed outward from the fist I had made. She wanted to touch my cold, inhuman flesh as much as I wanted to surround my own in her heat. They were only a very small distance apart – a matter of centimeters, but that made no difference to the urgency in my fingers as they burnt like Napalm sizzling through my dehydrated veins. The urge was stronger this time and I was deathly afraid that it would continue to grow until I no longer had the power to resist it.
Clenching my teeth against the screaming ache in my hands, I shoved them into the pockets; my seeking fingers searching desperately for the scrap of plastic that I stored so much of my dependency in and away from the almost irresistible urge to touch Bella. No mistakes, Edward. It doesn't matter what you want. What matters is what's best for Bella. Distracting myself from the dangerously tempting impulse to grab her hand and cradle her fingers in my icy grasp, I decided on my next question as a diversion; one that she would undoubtedly see straight through as we entered the biology lab.
Ushering her to precede me over the threshold, the racket of the adolescents already gathered there lulled for a brief moment as they noted our proximity to each other. For the most part, the student body at large had grown accustomed to our association; it was only a handful that continued to view us a point of interest. One was Newton, but after our encounter in the cafeteria, he had given me a wide berth when leaving and was currently trying to crawl onto his lab partners lap as we approached our desk; his thoughts almost blank with fear…another, was Jessica Stanley.
Still driven by the demons of her jealousy, Jessica's thoughts were no less flattering towards Bella now than they had been in the beginning, despite her awareness that Bella would not allow Mike's pursuit of her. Her pride wounded by the duel snub she had received from both Newton and myself, the Stanley girl's snide comments were becoming more barbed than veiled, but there was no real malice to them I ignored them as easily as I ignored her.
"What field do you want to enter into after you graduate, Bella?"
I fought against the urge to ask where she was planning on studying once she had accomplished the landmark moment that so many humans took for granted; her mother was in Florida and she might want to return to her and the Sunshine State – a place that I could follow, but with severe restrictions that would limit our time together.
The sideways look Bella sent my way diverted my thoughts as she sighed in what sounded distinctly like exasperation. "You sound like Charlie."
Frowning as she waited for me to take my seat, Bella followed me in, not looking at me as I started to stretch my hands out to pull her chair out for her, instead rearranging herself without my assistance. Shaking my head slightly at her, I sat in my own and waited for her to explain her answer. Her words made no sense. I couldn't imagine that her father would pester her about her future decisions to leave so soon after she had arrived; he seemed so absurdly happy that she was even here at all.
"Is Charlie pressuring you to choose a college?"
Folding her hands in her lap, Bella sat back in her high-backed chair and looked over at me as Banner fiddled and cursed beneath his breath at the idiocy of the school owning such finicky, outdated equipment that required endless coaxing to make it work properly; he hadn't even bothered to take notice of our late arrival. "No, not really. Charlie doesn't do pressure, he just drops hints that he thinks are subtle but are so obvious a toddler would understand the implications. He thinks that I want to go to Florida and attend college there because it's where Renée is, but that's not the case. I would prefer to go back to Arizona or stay on the West Coast, but he's just not brave enough to ask me outright." Looking away from me, Bella stared off into the distance through the windows to the side, momentarily lost in her own thoughts as I watched her. "It doesn't really matter at the moment anyway. Even after I graduate I'm not going to be able to attend anywhere until I've found a job and saved towards tuition. Neither of my parents have ever had enough money to set up any kind of college fund, so I won't find any help from them."
Turning away from the windows almost immediately, Bella smiled slightly uncomfortably at my intense gaze as a way of dismissing the clear melancholy I could hear, but she could not hide her wistfulness. She would never admit it, her pride and independence was very much a part of her, but the opportunity that she felt she would never have, very obviously troubled her, but not nearly as much as it troubled me.
I had treated each Doctorate, Master's Degree and inconsequential piece of paper attributing to my educational qualifications earned over the years as nothing more than a way to pass the time; a frivolous need born of boredom and an endless ennui that I had hoped to stamp out through any means necessary. None of them had worked, not until Bella's arrival, yet here she sat, unable to achieve what she so ardently craved due to poor financial circumstances and parents that had not given their daughters educational future a second-thought. The thought filled me with shame.
"There are always other options, Bella." I pointed out softly, knowing full well that I would never allow her to make herself vulnerable to the often unscrupulous practices of loans and the many strings attached to them. "There is more than enough financial aid offered to students looking to study further." I would gladly pay for any tertiary education she desired, in any part of the country she wanted, only, I had no way of offering this to her without creating what I was sure would be a vehement protest and an argument. I could create a Trust Fund in her name, but there was no way of guaranteeing that she would not simply refuse to use the money.
Shaking her head, Bella eyed Banner as he stood before the class, having finally managed to create a spark of life in the ancient television set. "I know there are, and maybe for a lot of people, that would be an option that they would take, but I wouldn't. The thought of owing money to some organization at the age of nineteen that would take me years to pay off just for an education that in no way guarantees me employment makes me sick to my stomach. I was thinking more along the lines of working during the day and studying at night or maybe through correspondence, but I have to survive this year and Mr. Varner's Trigonometry classes first before I think about that." Grimacing more at herself than the Trigonometry class, Bella focused on Banner as he walked away from the audio/visual setup towards the light switch.
Knowing I would only get in one more question before we were plunged into an electric cocoon of awareness again and my every thought, action, movement and reaction were focused on Bella as I resisted the urge to touch her, I persisted fervently with my previous line of questioning. "But if you did have the opportunity to study, what would it be?"
Her answer was immediate, and not one that was unexpected.
"English Literature, probably."
The bright luminescence of the tungsten lights overhead was abruptly extinguished as the switch was flipped with a decisive snap, once again plunging us into darkness…a darkness that felt no different from any other, yet it seemed to crackle and hiss with the same desire that I felt in my own body as it caressed my stone flesh. Feeling the inescapable lure once again pull at me until it felt as though I was fighting against it with every ounce of my immeasurable strength, I moved my chair away from Bella, careful to make the movement seem casual and not personal, but Bella slide a swift glance over me anyway as she noticed the movement. Reaching once again for my keepsake, I clasped it gently between my hands as I kept them away from temptation in the dark.
There was light of course; provided by the glowing television tube depicting the plight of a child without hope, but how could I be expected to focus on it when my own plight sat so closely beside me? Bella was as rigidly restrained today as she had been the day before; the hands that had been so loosely gathered on her lap only minutes before were now hidden beneath her as she folded her arms over the top of the table and rested her chin on the fleshly wall they created, intently focused on the screen as she ruthlessly controlled herself; I wished I had a tenth of her discipline.
Following her exemplary example, I relinquished my hold on her physical representation and folded my own arms over the desk, copying Bella's pose exactly as I struggled to stay still within a body designed for just that. Sighing with what I hopelessly imagined was a longing as strong as my own, Bella smiled slightly as she felt my eyes on her, but she did not turn her head to look at me, instead keeping it locked to the screen. The points of our extended elbows were no more than three centimeters apart…it would be a simple move; a flex of a muscle really, to brush against her own for the briefest of moments. Simple, but dangerous. Touching her briefly yesterday had been a lapse in my judgment, but one that I knew I could easily overcome. It would be simple, it would be thoughtless…it would be torture. Not touching Bella emitted the same pain as touching her; there was no dividing line between the pain of pleasure and the pain of torment.
Having to content myself for the moment to only looking, my eyes slowly roved over every inch of her as she was illuminated by the white light of the television. The harshness of the light thrown out should have cast into sharp relief every flaw and imperfection; but it only seemed to enhance Bella's unspoilt beauty that much more as it traced over the bridge of her delicate nose, the slight pucker of her lips, the narrow crease between her eyes and the slight prominence of her slanted cheekbones.
I did not look at her lips; I ordered my eyes to stay away from them, to look anywhere else but at them: her hair, her nose, her shoulders, her eyebrows, but even as my brain commanded me, my eyes mutinied. What was it about these lips; Bella's lips that I found so endlessly fascinating? Was it the curve, the dip, the shape or the colour that I was intrigued by, or was it simply because they belonged to her? I had read about the fixations for them in plays, books, sonnets and poems. I had seen for myself the interpretation of an artist's fascination in murals and sculptures, and I had fantasized about them in my own right, but nothing had prepared me for the level of my captivation.
My inner hungering continued on from one minute to another, the next merging with the one before so completely that time seemed to have no clear beginning or end. Bella's inflexible approach to dealing with what was so clearly something that neither one of us could escape was almost as maddening as her mental silence; it was only the sneaked glances thrown into my direction as she subtly repositioned her body towards my own before remembering her efforts and righting herself with a soft sigh that kept me sane.
I might have encouraged her, but the obvious tightening of the muscles along her back made me frown. Surely by this stage, they would be tight, aching and painful? Human's were not accustomed to absolute motionlessness for any length of time and she had been sitting in the same position for almost three-quarters of an hour. Again the urge to touch her almost robbed me of my control; to be able to rub and knead her muscles lightly as I ran my hands over the tension that held her delicate form in such a rigid position. To finally be able to feel the play of muscles as they slowly unwound and loosened. To feel the way the bones of her shoulder and spinal column knit together as they loosened and contorted. To feel the way she would arch and shiver at my touch…
My mind recoiled instantly from the fantasy as I imagined her shiver of pleasure at my touch was suddenly transformed into a shiver of cold revulsion as the frigid iciness of my touch invaded her muscles, sunk into her bone and froze the very marrow within them. There were so many obstacles to consider; ones that had seemed inconsequential in the beginning, but now they just seemed to make up the whole of another entirely different problem.
The sudden flooding of bright light to my constricting pupils momentarily disconcerted me as I blinked rapidly, refocusing in the space of a heartbeat. Bella's awareness had come far quicker than my own as she smiled at me and interlocking her fingers together, stretched out her arms over the desk in front of as she twisted her upper torso with a quiet groan; flexing her shoulders as they ground nosily in the sockets. I watched the play of muscles in her back with enthrallment as they quivered and arched from her movement; again, the intense longing to rub my hands over them and work out the knots became almost overwhelming. As much as I craved the intimacy of the dark and our time together, I had serious misgivings about returning to this class for tomorrow's lesson. The balance of the film would be concluded then and Bella would be forced to once again resume her rigid posture and risk injuring herself. Perhaps tomorrow afternoon would be better spent on slacking my thirst and gaining control for the ordeal that would be Saturday.
Frowning, I shook myself mentally…was I still even considering taking her to the meadow? Was I actually going to risk the life of the girl I loved to prove to myself and my family that I was strong enough to overcome my weaknesses?
My thoughts divided, I looked at Bella with conflicted eyes, rising with her as she again stretched, this time rising to the tip of her toes as she found new muscles, it seemed, that had not been alleviated of their tension. The almost languid stretching of Bella's torso had pulled up the edges of the snug turtle-neck that molded every curve and line of her body; revealing creamy, flawless skin half an inch above the waistband of her jeans. The warm, sweet scent of the previously covered flesh rose enticingly to my nose, but it did not inspire lust for her blood…oh no, this inspired lust of an entirely different nature.
I wondered how much longer I would be able to dictate to my own body the constraints of polite society…I was certain it wouldn't be long and it was something that I would have to eventually discuss with Carlisle. I shuddered at the thought of Emmett finding out and the ribbing I would be subjected to.
Turning to me as I continued to visually devour her, Bella frowned uncertainly at what I could only assume was my glazed expression only half hidden beneath the concealing shadow of my lids. Blinking rapidly to clear them, I smiled tightly as I gestured for Bella to proceed me to the door, grappling with myself for the vaunted control that was proving more elusive by the day as she collected her bag and I, my books.
Pull it together, Edward.
Walking together to gym, the hallways swarmed with noisy students eager for the last period of the day to be over; a few would remain behind for extracurricular activities, some were meeting with others in Port Angeles or traveling west to the coastline, but all were eager for official lessons to be over. I felt less enthusiastic that the school day was ending as the time I spent together with Bella would be over as soon as it was. As the doors to our parting loomed in the distance; inescapable and unavoidable, I deliberately shortened my strides, stretching out every second to the maximum, making everyone count before I was forced to part from Bella.
Tyler ran past us in a blur when we were no more than a few feet away, already late as he barreled towards the doors. He seemed pleased to see Bella with me and not Mike; he didn't consider me a worthy rival for her affections because he could not gloat over it, but with Mike, there was a small victory in every moment that he was not with her. I held Tyler in the same regard as Eric; I viewed neither as threats, merely annoyances. Pushing through the doors, Tyler encountered a person on the other side – not one that he was expecting. Mike had been waiting behind what he considered the safety of the doors for Bella, but he had not been prepared for the sudden appearance and forward momentum of Tyler.
Colliding together with muffled curses and a tangle of arms and legs, the pair crashed to the floor amidst the raucous laughter from their classmates. Smiling in satisfaction that in one way or another, Newton had yet again been stymied; I looked down at Bella as she chuckled heartily at the antics. It pleased me immeasurably more that she was unconcerned with the welfare of neither of them.
"Did Tyler smack into Mike on purpose?" Laughter still filled the undertones of Bella's question as she grinned at the mass of adolescence just inside the gymnasium.
Feeling as though the light-hearted moment was a desperate gulp of air to lungs left gasping through the constant darkness, I smiled down at Bella, answering her.
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Because I think Tyler still has some stupid idea in his head that taking me to prom is the correct way to apologize for almost flattening me with his van and that if he eliminates his rivals, it will make things easier for him. If that's the case, I would like to know so that I can make good on my threat to run him over."
The feeble aggression in Bella' voice was still covered with humour, but it made me laugh beneath my breath as the seriousness of her tone could not be mistaken. I had been unable to appreciate her earlier death threats directed at Tyler as my entire being had been focused on seeking revenge against the humans that were more monster than I, but now that I had a clearer perspective, I could find the humour in it.
"You realize of course, just how awful you would feel if you did do that, don't you, Bella?" I was only half serious as I said this, but another part of me hoped she would never have to find out; the toll for taking another's life was a heavy one to pay and not one that I ever wanted her to experience.
Shrugging as we reached the doors, Bella arched a brow, "yes, but he would feel worse, so I'd have a consolation prize."
Shaking my head at the absurdity of her logic, I viewed the faded doors with malevolent eyes, feeling as though they were yet another obstacle in my way. Perhaps I should ditch the trig class I had next and go and visit Ms. Cope…I was certain that she would be more than accommodating in switching a few of my classes. My moves would be obvious to her, but as she and the rest of the faculty already seemed to have noticed my preoccupation with Bella, it wouldn't be an issue.
As the hallways completely emptied, Bella and I were left alone; neither one of us moving, neither of us willing to part company. I could hear Clapp on the inside mentally tallying for roll call. He of course noticed straight away that Bella was not present, but not out of concern, more of relief that she would not be inadvertently injuring not only herself, but those around her.
Knowing that I could not delay further, I sighed quietly, wanting desperately to follow, but knowing that I could not. The thought created an ache of desperation deep within the empty, guttered hollow that had once housed the soul that had long since been extinguished by a fate unchosen and unwanted.
I had every intention of turning away, I really did, but as I looked down at the fluid brown eyes that compelled me to stay, to touch, to hold, I suddenly found my feet anchored to the floor by the sheer power of her hold over me. The promise that I had made to myself yesterday in this same spot, the demand that I had made of myself after leaving her last night seemed suddenly unimportant in the face of what I wanted the most; of what Bella and I both wanted.
Surely I could do it? Surely I could control myself as I had yesterday? It had been simple to walk away…it had been laughably easy to drive away, but the moment of truth had not come in those moments, they had come afterwards, when walking or driving away from her had proved more painfully arduous than the moment in which I had given into my weakness. I had been arrogant in my belief that I could easily handle the temptation that it would be simple and easy to manage, but I knew I was wrong…and I knew that I would do it again.
Bella's eyes widened as she processed my expression, easily reading the conflict in what I now knew was an unguarded gaze that she could ready more accurately than any other. What else would she read in them? Would she see the unconditional love…would she understand the intensity of my yearning? Weakening by the moment, I surrendered to the lost cause that I was and leant down and towards Bella, cautioning her with my hypnotic gaze as I slowly raised my hand, unsurprised to see that it trembled slightly. Curling my fingers inward to create a loosely clenched fist, I decided on a touch from the back of my hand instead of my inner palm, afraid that if I had the easiest of excuses to cup her face, I would take it and never let her go. Gently, so gently that the flutter of a butterflies' wings would have seemed abrasive, I fleetingly brushed against her skin just once, from temple to chin, slowly smoothing my pale fingers against a cheek filled with the blood of her reaction.
My own reaction – instantaneous and violent – had me dropping my arm so quickly it felt as though the limb would be wrenched from the socket. I did not drop it so ferociously because I was afraid to continue touching her, I dropped it because unlike yesterday, my hand did not throb and ache; it sizzled and scorched with such a shocking force that I barely prevented myself from gasping aloud. The searing heat that tore through my desiccated veins seemed to bleed them with renewed life and vitality, the sensation almost painful as every crystallized cell flushed with heat and tingled in spasms that clenched my fingers into claws of need.
Feeling off balance and almost lightheaded, I took a hasty step backwards, loathing the distance between us, but realizing that it was vital. Why was it so different from yesterday? The touch had been but a millisecond longer, yet it had felt as though my hand had been thrust in a forge. I could barely gather enough common sense to note that Bella's reaction was every bit as strong as my own…and infinitely more hazardous. Her breath jerked and rattled around her lungs as she wheezed and fought for more air, her heart thundered against her ribs so brutally it sounded as though it would tear them apart.
Cursing myself for being a rash, impulsive fool, my composure hopelessly shattered; I turned on my heel without another word, walking away on legs that were less than steady as Bella's heartbeat followed my every footstep echoing through the corridor. Desperately, I hastened my stride to clear the distance between us so that Bella's heart would lapse into a pattern that did not signal imminent cardiac arrest.
Stalking grimly through the vacant passageway, I changed direction from the pathway that would take me to the front office, instead heading around the outer edges of the buildings. Hunching my shoulders as I dug my hands deeper into the pockets and clenching my right hand around the bottle top, I shook my head as I crossed the campus, my mood suddenly as dusky and thunderous as the clouds that had begun to blanketed the skies; my body as chilled as the air that flooded the peninsula.
It had been a mistake to think that Bella was my burden, when so clearly it was now obvious, that I was hers…