A Haven From Darkness
Chapter Four: Wouldn't It Be Nice
"I just can't do it, Prongs," cried Peter, flinging his wand across the room. This was not a wise move, as it caused the closed curtains of James' bed to catch fire.
Dousing the curtains with a spray of water from his wand, James let out a slightly frustrated sigh. Peter had been having trouble with the Blasting Curse in Defense Against the Dark Arts and James had volunteered to tutor him. Remus was still feeling off-color from the previous night's full moon and Sirius had all the patience of a blunt axe. Still, it wasn't easy to tutor Peter when the Blasting Cruse came so naturally to James.
"Yes, you can. You cannot just give up, Pete."
"I can't do this bloody curse though," Peter whined, making James even more frustrated. "Let's face it. I never should have taken this class."
"Don't be stupid, Peter. Of course, you should have taken it," James snapped. At Peter's shocked and hurt expression, James felt instantly ashamed. He knew he shouldn't take his frustration out on Peter, but it was sometimes too difficult to handle Peter when he did not understand something. James had never understood Peter's tendency to give up.
"Look, Pete," he said, straining to maintain his composure. "You couldn't have given up Defense Against the Dark Arts. What would you do when you left Hogwarts? How would you defend yourself, defend others?"
Peter threw himself on the bed. "I'd hide," he mumbled, rubbing his face tiredly.
James smiled. "Of course you wouldn't. You're a Gryffindor."
Sitting up, Peter hesitantly returned James' smile. "Yeah, I know."
Silently, James waited before cautiously handing over Peter's wand to him. "You've just got to be more certain about doing the curse. Have confidence, Wormy. If you think for even a half a second that it won't work, then it's not going to work."
Peter nodded his headed with a slightly less glum expression. Screwing up his face, it was as though James could hear Peter's thought process: build up the assurance, while desperately attempt to ignore the feeling of desperation and hopelessness. This was going to be it—the time that Peter would finally get it…
"Confringio!" shouted Peter. There was a blast and Peter was blown by some invisible force backwards into the bed. Groaning, he picked himself up.
"You almost had it," James said pleadingly in response to Peter's accusing look. "You just said the wrong thing. You should—"
"What in the name of Merlin's most saggy left nut happened here?" cried Sirius upon opening the door. Papers and discarded clothes were strewn all over the floor and there was a disgusting mold that seemed to have been dislodged from its spot underneath one of the beds.
"My pitiful attempts at the Defense Against the Dark Arts homework," said Peter pessimistically.
"The Blasting Curse?" asked Sirius, eyebrows furrowed in thought. "Didn't we cover that two or three weeks ago?"
"Yeah, but the test is coming up this week, so now I need to know it," replied Peter miserably. Then anxiously he asked, "She will ask it, won't she? Didn't she say in class that…"
Sirius laughed so loudly that Peter's words dropped off as he stared at Sirius perplexedly. James threw a look at him. The last thing that Peter needed was to be reminded of how little effort it took James, Sirius, and Remus to do magic. It was, however, too late.
"You don't honestly think I pay attention in that class?" Peter's face flushed red. "Anyway," coughed Sirius, awkwardly for Peter now had a look in his eyes of pure despair and jealousy, "Dumbledore said to give you this, Prongs." Sirius handed James a letter, which James took from him gratefully—anything to avoid looking Peter in the eye at the moment.
"It says he wants Lily and I to meet him for the first Head meeting," James said happily.
"Just make sure you're the first Head to get head," Sirius snickered. James scowled while Peter laughed. "What? You walked right into that one, Prongs."
"Et tu, Wormtail?" said James as Peter continued laughing quite noisily. James shook his head at his expense. "Well, you can continue helping Peter out, Padfoot, since you're the interruptee."
James was pleased to see that Peter stopped laughing at his expense, even if he was sorry to end Peter's lightened spirits. Sirius, on the other hand, made as though to object to helping Peter.
"He's almost got it," said James forcefully heading off Sirius' potential complaints. Sirius seemed to take an internal deep breath as he turned to Wormtail. James breathed a sigh of relief—the last thing that he needed was for Sirius declare Peter unteachable as he had been wont to do in the past. He usually tried to pawn tutoring Peter off on Remus, but Remus wouldn't be able to do it today as he was feeling under the weather.
James needn't have worried though because as he closed the door to the dormitory, he heard Sirius say in an easily detectable, falsely cheerful voice, "Let's see what you've got, Pete….and don't give me that I-can't-do-it look. Merlin!"
Shaking his head in bemusement, James headed out the Gryffindor tower, nearly running into someone rushing in from the portrait. It was Lily and she was alight with excitement.
"Don't mind me," called the Fat Lady as Lily slammed the portrait closed.
"Sorry!" Lily called over her shoulder as she rushed toward James. "Have you heard? Did you get the note? We get to meet with Dumbledore!"
James laughed. "It's not that big of a deal, you know."
As she pulled his hand in effort to make him move faster, Lily all but screeched, "Not that big of a deal? It's huge! He's only the most powerful wizard in the world—not to mention our Headmaster! And he wants to meet with me—I mean, us!"
"He's just a wizard, not a celebrity."
"Just because you've got the inside scoop on meeting with Dumbledore from your Maraudering days doesn't mean that the rest of us have that close, personal relationship." She was mocking him, James knew, but he didn't mind as she continued, "If I didn't make Head Girl, I wouldn't even be sure that he knew my name!"
"If there is anything that you can be sure of, Miss Evans," said a voice from behind Lily, "It is that I know all of my students' names."
Dumbledore's piercing blue eyes twinkled madly. Lily's mouth dropped in utter shock. Dumbledore chuckled at Lily's gobsmacked expression and James' laughter rang in the corridor. Lily turned beet red.
As his laughter subsided, Dumbledore began walking again and said, "Ah, my dear, let us not continue to enjoy the evening at your expense. Peppermint humbugs!"
The gargoyle leapt aside, leaving Lily confused. James made a noise as if to start laughing again, but settled for a wide grin as she shot him a fierce look that would have made Peter quiver in fear. James was still grinning as he bowed to Lily as she walked in. Lily stepped inside Dumbledore's circular office with an air of cautious reverence.
"Please, make yourselves comfortable," said Dumbledore, smiling widely at Lily's awed, wide-eyed sweep over the room. James flopped in one of the squashy recliners in front of Dumbledore's desk.
"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked politely, proffering a bright yellow tray of candy. When both Lily and James shook their heads, Dumbledore gave a slightly disappointed little shrug. James barely held in a snort. Every time James came into his office, Dumbledore asked if he would like a lemon drop—and every time he refused. It was a little bit baffling as to why Dumbledore always offered him sweets.
"Now, then," he began, "We are going to have our first Hogsmeade visit on Halloween. I—"
"But why's it so far away?" James interrupted.
"I suspect it's because of all the trouble with the Death Eaters, right, Professor?" interjected Lily in what anyone but James would consider a sweet voice. He was rather distracted by her foot that was grinding his toe into the floor.
Dumbledore beamed. "Right in one!" he said cheerfully. "Now, the pair of you will need to plan a time to work on the signs for the House billboards and put them up."
"What time will we be leaving and coming back, sir" asked Lily. James could practically see the wheels in her head spinning.
"I will leave that up to you, my dear," said Dumbledore. "And might I say that you both are doing an excellent job this year. I can't remember the last time we had such proactive Heads!"
Lily blushed as James said in a smug voice, "Naturally." As they left to begin their Head Patrol, they could hear Dumbledore still chuckling. They walked in a companionable silence for a time. More to break the silence than anything else, James asked, "Do you ever get the feeling that Dumbledore's planning something?"
"Planning something? No," Lily said automatically. "What would Dumbledore be planning?"
"Dunno," James replied, slightly sheepish. "Like a surprise for us, I guess. He's such a sneaky guy..."
Lily laughed lightly. "I never thought about it, but I suppose he could be planning something. You have any ideas?"
James raised an eyebrow as if to ask 'are you kidding?'
"I take it you do, then," laughed Lily. "Have it, then. Tell me what kinds of things could a brilliant man like Albus Dumbledore plan."
"Well," said James slowly. "He could plan something like…world domination."
"What?" choked Lily. "Dumbledore planning world domination? You're more cracked than I thought, James."
"He could!" James insisted, inwardly delighted that she had called him by his name. "He'd probably do it in a really clever unsuspecting way…like spiking Sugar Quills—or those—those Lemon drops he's always!"
"But no one ever eats those!"
"Exactly! Thwarted by everyone's politeness!"
"That makes absolutely no sense, James," said Lily laughing.
James watched as Lily, turned beet red, breathless with laughter. There was never a more beautiful sight, he thought. And suddenly, without planning it, without thinking about it, he said it:
"Go out with me, Lily."
Lily stopped laughing abruptly. She gave him a brief deer-in-headlights look and took a couple of quick steps back. It was too sudden, James thought, as he briefly considered taking it back. But, still, he couldn't bring himself to take it back. His feelings for Lily were still there, strong as ever—surely she still knew that?
"No," she answered simply, but not unkindly. It was a marked improvement than the past. James always thought that if she were to ever answer him without anger or disgust in her voice that he would die happy. But now that the moment was finally here, he knew he was wrong. It was not enough to know that he was so close and yet so very far way.
"Why?" he demanded, a little sharper than he intended.
However, Lily seemed to take no notice. She was struggling to come up with an answer. James took a step closer, pressing his advantage. Closing the space between them, slowly, but surely, seemed to have the effect on her that he had always wanted. She licked her lips nervously and breathed a shaky breath. Several times she opened and closed her mouth, but nothing came out.
"Why?" asked James. His voice was softer this time, pleading. But still, Lily did not answer. She looked, if anything, more uncomfortable. As she glanced to the side, James knew that she was itching for a way out of the conversation. Seeing nothing, however, she seemed to visibly admit defeat.
"You don't—you can't—ugh," she began, "I can't say it without—without being blunt."
"You can't say it with out being blunt about it?" he repeated numbly. James thought he might explode. She nodded miserably. "Why can't you be blunt about it?"
Lily wrung her hands up in the air, nearly socking James in the chest. She didn't seem to notice, however, as she said, "Because you're you and I'm—that is to say—er—you and me…we've…I dunno, become sort of, I mean in a weird kind of way….friends."
If he weren't so sure it would have completely ruined the moment, James would have laughed jubilantly. He could virtually see the look on the faces of all of his friends—especially Sirius, who was a long time doubter of Lily ever liking James—when he told them that Lily liked him….as a friend. The word seemed to bring him down several notches and he inwardly winced. Lily seemed to have been heartened by this admission and James' lack of outward reaction.
"…and I just don't think that we should continue this cat-and-mouse game, when you clearly…."
"When I clearly what?" James asked her, wondering if he should dread the response."
Lily cleared her throat and when she spoke again, it was with more of the confidence that he usually associated with her. James noticed, however, that she looked away as she said, "When you can't possibly have ever really liked me."
"I never really liked you?!" James exploded. He had reached the breaking point. "I asked you out nearly every week for a year, got rejected creatively, yet brutally every time, flirted with you at every opportunity…and I never liked you? I'm sorry, Lily, but you're logic is warped."
"Well, I guess that's what did it, then," she replied hotly as she blushed slightly.
"What? Flirting with you? Asking you out?"
"No," she said miserably. When James merely glared at her, she continued, "My cracked logic."
James' mouth twitched as if to smile, but he did not say anything as Lily continued.
"Well, when first you started flirting with me, and I didn't know what to make of it, so I ignored you and sort of hoped you'd go away. And it was also really embarrassing because I didn't know what to say back. But you only got louder, and other boys starting becoming interested in me—my own best friend even!—and I just thought that it was entirely your fault. If you hadn't stepped in and been so loud, nobody would have ever noticed me..."
"Lily, dearest," interrupted James, unable to help himself. "With those boobs like yours, you could never remain unnoticed long."
"See!" said Lily in an I-told-you-so voice. "Things like that! What do I say to that? 'Gee thanks, I'm glad you like what nature gave me?'"
James gave in to the urge to laugh as he said, "No, just 'thanks' would've been all right." He quickly ducked as Lily made to swat him playfully. "I guess if I try very hard, I could maybe see your point," he admitted.
"Thank you," Lily said primly. "So anyway, after awhile I just became very cynical, I suppose you could call it. I was getting all this attention from guys everywhere, even when I went home over the holidays, and it's all because I've got—well, you know." She gestured towards her ample chest. "I just wanted to be small and petit in a normal sort of way, not a sexy stripper sort of way. I guess I just made you my scapegoat….and it didn't really help that you really were an arrogant toerag."
If she hadn't sounded so forlorn, James might've thought that she was joking. Millions of witches everywhere would be thrilled to have her boobs, her body, her anything, and she hated it. It made no sense…and yet it did.
"Right, well…" he said awkwardly, looking around for something—anything— to get them off of the topic.
"We should get back to patrolling," Lily finished for him.
As the weeks until the first Hogsmeade visit slipped by, the conversation with Lily slowly slid from the forefront of his mind, though not entirely forgotten. At first he had tried to speak with her more about it, but Lily seemed determined to never show her vulnerable side to James again. Eventually, he simply had to accept her unwillingness to speak further about it as one of Lily's many quirks.
Besides, James reasoned, there were other things, stranger occurrences, to think about. Like why Artemisia was suddenly full of her old passion for Quidditch. James overheard Stephen Wood, the Gryffindor Beater, mention to Renita Quinton, the new Chaser, that the change was almost overnight.
Mary, on the other hand, said that it really was overnight: Artemisia had received an owl that made her face "light up like the sun." Considering that Artemisia and Mary were as different as night and day, James thought that this was high praise. It was rare for Mary to compliment Artemisia because Mary was often annoyed with the ever-pragmatic Artemisia for pointing out that her Divination skills (and those of the Divination professor) were paltry at best.
Still, whatever the reasoning behind Artemisia's revived zest for Quidditch, he was grateful. Her depression was beginning to impact the team so much so that James thought that he might have to seriously consider letting her go. Happy to begin training, James stepped out to the Quidditch Pitch.
As the team gathered their brooms to warm up, James wandered over to where Sirius and Remus were sitting. Together, James' three friends made up the management that kept Gryffindor happy and winning—and James' Captaincy. James would never consider teaching the team a new move (such as the Porskoff Ploy that the team would be working on today) without approval from the other three. Their advice on from practice times to training style was vital to the success of Gryffindor.
"Hey, where's Peter?"
"Dunno," said Sirius, staring at the sky. "But you'll want to watch Mary; she's still having a bit of trouble making those left turns."
"I thought she said that the effects from that Transfiguration letter. You know that her left arm was the one she was Transfiguring…."
"Don't be absurd, Remus," James interjected, snickering slightly. "It's clearly the effect of the Moon coming in perfect alignment with Jupiter's sixteen moons."
Together, they laughed. Mary's well publicized belief in what she called the "sacred art of Divination" was a bit of a joke with most of the Gryffindors. Occasionally, James had even had to make up the alignments of the planets just to get her to come to practice. But before they could continue poking a bit of fun at Mary, Peter popped up, seemingly out of nowhere.
"Hey, guys! Guess what?"
"You've been using my Invisibility Cloak again, haven't you?" asked James. His face was stern and Peter looked slightly ashamed. James laughed and clapped Peter on the back, saying, "Not a big deal, Wormy! What's the news?"
"You remember you argued with Lily a couple of weeks back about her and Mary not talking?" asked Peter. When the others nodded, he continued, "Well, I think I've figured out why AND I think that we can find a way to get them to start being friends again."
The day that I finished this chapter is actually the birthday of one of the most awesome characters in the entire series. Seriously, she's a great homemaker, an awesome mum, killed Bellatrix Lestrange, and said what probably is the most quoted line in Deathly Hallows: "NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!"….Happy birthday, Molly Weasley!
Please, please, please review!! Let me know how I'm doing! Wishing you lots of laughter, love, and Harry Potter until then,
The Hogwartian