I decided I could be happy on my own
Find a way to get it done when I needed to be strong
Always choosing safely, I was going it alone
Never taking chances just in case I might be wrong*

She lay on Santana's couch trying her hardest to shut up her thoughts and get at least some sleep. Staring at the ceiling she wondered how things turned out this way. How is it that Quinn Fabray never chooses the right thing? How is it that, whenever she thinks she's protecting herself and going the safe way, she always ends up hurting herself along the way and feeling as if the safe choice hurt even more than a bad turn out of the risky choice?

She heard wise people telling her that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Who came up with this shit anyway? Seriously, how can hurt be better than the feeling of something missing all together? Maybe, if you're lucky enough, you might not even realize that there is something missing, right? Right?

Realizing that she wouldn't get any sleep anytime soon, Quinn got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator and looking at the ingredients for a while before simply taking a bottle of water and settling down at the kitchen counter.

A few minutes later, the blonde heard footsteps come closer, followed by an angry grumble of "seems like I'm not the only one experiencing a sleepless night, then" as the Latina moved past her and took a container of milk out of the refrigerator, putting it into a glass before bringing it to her mouth and sipping it slowly, her back to the former cheerleader.

Nothing was said for a few minutes before Santana couldn't take the silence any longer. She turned around to look at the blonde who was obviously lost in her own world of thoughts. Still, the brunette couldn't stop herself. There was one question that she asked herself over and over again and she was itching for an answer.

"Why did you do it?" The words were simple but still head on.

The blonde was caught off guard. Confused she looked at her friend, her forehead creased, eyebrows pulled together. "What?" She thought she might have missed something, realizing that she had zoned out for a while.

"Why did you do it?" The Latina repeated without taking dark brown eyes away from the blonde sitting in front of her.

"I don't think I can follow you, S. Why did I do what?"

"Why did you reject her when you knew that you were in love with her?"

"I-" Quinn felt lost, her expression one of a deer caught in the headlights, fear written in bold letters across her face. "I had to," she whispered finally.

The brunette didn't miss the distraught expression of the girl sitting in front of her. She looked so scared, so little and it broke Santana's heart to see the obvious struggle in her childhood friend. "Why?" It wasn't demanding and, seeing the blonde staring at the ground with the same expression still lingering on her face, she wasn't even sure if she had heard her.

As soon as the bathroom door behind her closed and she stood in the middle of an empty hallway, Quinn ran towards the exit, taking the steps to the ground floor two at a time. She needed out. She needed out right now. Why did she have to do this? Why did she have to tell her that?

Before she knew it, tears were running down her face, while she ran through the double doors of the school entrance, stepping on the parking lot and making a mad dash for her car. Upon reaching it, she opened the car door and slammed it shut after sitting in the driver's seat. She put her forehead to the steering wheel, letting the tears flow freely.

The scene felt like déjà vu, the only things missing were the deafening sound of rain pattering down on her car and the creepy woman sitting next to her. Still, the feeling itself was the same: alone, lost and for lack of a better word shattered. She felt as if she just hit rock bottom all over again.

"Q?" The blonde had zoned out again, a lone tear running down her left cheek and Santana stood right in front of her, looking at her friend with concern. She touched her hand to the blonde's shoulder carefully, not wanting to startle her, and that seemed to do the trick. Quinn looked up at her, regret shining in those hazel eyes.

"I needed to be safe," the blonde said more to herself than to her friend.

"Safe from what," the brunette said softly, sitting down on the stool next to the blonde.

"The pain," she answered matter-of-factly as if it was plain obvious.

And suddenly the Latina could see it. She felt all of it wash over herself. Images of Quinn throughout high school flashed in front of her eyes. The urge to be perfect to fit in at home, the perfect boyfriend, the lack of emotions, infidelity, pregnancy, homelessness, forced maturity, rejection, loneliness, obsession and the accident, good lord, the accident… She could see it all and she was shocked that she hadn't seen it before, shocked that she hadn't done anything, shocked that she hadn't stopped it. The enormous changes that the blonde went through in senior year, her newfound drive in the end. "You were protecting what you had just rebuilt yourself," she stated more than asked.

"Yes," the blonde whispered ashamed.

"What changed?"

"Everything," the blonde stated. "I missed her constantly, I felt more alone than ever, more alone than I had felt during Nationals in New York. Even kissing Puck didn't change that."

"You kissed Puck?" Now that was new information. When did that happen? And how could she miss it?

"Yes, right before the exam that he neededto pass to graduate. I tutored him the night before and he needed some motivation. I don't know how to motivate people, so I just kissed him. It worked, I guess." The blonde's voice was void of any emotion.

"Wow, I didn't expect that."

"Me neither," the blonde sighed out.

They fell silent again both gazing intently at the drinks in their hands lost in their own thoughts until the blonde once more spoke up quietly.

"Do you believe in true love, S?"

But I'm feeling a longing inside me
And I'm taking a road I've never seen

Closer to you
Closer to you
Further from me

Closer to you*

So much for now. What do you think? Leave your thoughts ;)

The song used is "Closer to you" by Jaylene Johnson.