A/N - Thanks so much for the reviews and asking for the story to be longer. I'll make a deal with you guys. I'll keep posting long chapters and will also write a few interlude pieces for the story. Expand on what their lives were like. Just promise to keep the reviews coming.
Get It Right
Can I start again, with my fate shaken?
"Are you ok?" It's the fourth time Jackson's asked her the question and like before, he does not expect an answer as she continues to stare out the window of the car. He was the one who suggested driving instead of flying so that she would have time to compose herself and decide on what she needed to do.
The Reunion itself was five days away and with two days of driving, it would give her about three whole days to see her parents if she wanted to, although he knows she won't. More importantly it would give her the opportunity to work up the courage and plan what she wanted to say to one Rachel Berry. She finally told him about her overwhelming feelings of guilt for leaving, for taking the chance Rachel had created inadvertently and for leaving her behind to settle with Finn.
Quinn didn't expect him to come with but in the end realized that she still needed him because she couldn't think straight, at least not when it came to Rachel. There was so much history between them and all she could do was second guess herself and she needed Jackson to set her on the correct path.
"What if she doesn't want to talk to me or worse?" Only Quinn cannot think of anything worse than Rachel not talking. She had such a clear picture of the brunette, an amalgamation of all the times Rachel had extended friendship and tried to help her only to be rebuffed or pushed aside because Quinn had been too scared to lean on anyone else or to show how much she had been affected by the petite brunette.
So she just repressed all her feelings, pushing them deep inside and ignoring them only to have them manifest in other ways. Ways that made her ashamed as she remembered all the names and mean things she had said each time she felt Rachel getting a bit too close to her.
In the end, she could see how her words and actions had pushed Rachel into believing that her choices were the correct ones and that she had been right in pursuing Finn and getting the happy ending that Rachel hadn't coveted until Quinn had mentioned it. She had really tried to get Rachel out of Lima, had taken it upon herself to be with Finn but it hadn't worked out the way it was suppose to and all she wants is a second chance.
"What if she's happy?" It was another possibility that perhaps within the last call from Kurt four months back to the time right now, Rachel had found some semblance of happiness. It was something that she truly wanted for Rachel but Quinn was still selfish in that she wanted to be the one to bring happiness to her. Not because she was the only one that could but mainly because it would go a long way in absolving the guilt she feels for Rachel's wrong choices.
"What if she's not?" He counters, knowing that she's slowly coming to terms with dealing with everything and finally facing her future and not hiding from her past. "Listen, you've made the deal with Steven freaking Spielberg and you can't renege on it now. So just think of what you're going to say and practice and we'll be there before you know it.
She finally looks at him smiling and he realizes that he's slowly letting her go. Loving her was inevitable but maybe when all this was done, he'll stop being in love with her because she'll finally be happy and stop looking and he could stop waiting as well.
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
Rachel sees him weaving his way through the people and waves excitedly when she sees his head swivel left and right as if looking for her. "Kurt." She calls out, jumping up and waving as he drops his Gucci bag and pulls her into a fierce hug that signifies so much to her.
"I missed you too." She murmurs into his ear. His eyes are wet as he pulls back and acknowledges her words although he does feel like shouting at her for not calling him and just leaving it to Carol to tell him of her breakup with Finn. He had been part frantic, part relieved when Carol had called and said that Rachel had left Finn, walking out of their home after telling him that she didn't love him anymore.
He truly loved his dad and Carol but he always wondered why they ignored the obvious. But then he realized that it hadn't been obvious to them because Rachel was actually a damn good actress and she had tried her best to play the part of a good wife. Only Kurt knew what it felt like to want something he could not have and to settle for what was easy. So he recognized the look on Rachel's face each time he saw her. Knowing she wasn't happy but accepting that she wanted to try her best regardless.
He knew that it was only a matter of time before she finally realized that she had been lying to herself and worse of all, although she loved Finn and was in love with the idea of happily ever after, she wasn't in love with him. So he calmed Carol down, explaining that perhaps it was for the best because as much as they wanted to think that Finn and Rachel were happy, when was the last time she had seen them truly smile or share a spontaneous kiss or even sing to each other.
In the end, his dad had come on the line and told him that Finn was doing better than expected and maybe it would be good for Kurt to check up on Rachel. He had already planned to go for the reunion and it made sense to just fly down early, which led him to taking the first flight he could get out of Miami and three connections later, landing in Columbus and hugging Rachel in the middle of the midsized airport surrounded by other harried travelers.
"Are you ok?" The words tumble out as he looks at the shadows under her eyes and takes in her small frame under the sweater and jeans she's wearing. He hates that she looks hesitant and so unlike the Rachel Berry that used to fight him for solos and push him to be a better singer, a better friend.
But he does see a slight difference. Not anything physical but more the way she carried herself. She still looks unsure but there's a spark there that he hasn't seen in forever as she takes his hand and answers him.
"I'm.."She wants to say fine, the word almost like a reflex even though she's not there as yet but at least she was better than yesterday which had been an improvement from the day before when she had turned up crying on her dads' doorstep."I'm getting there."
It's a start and Kurt knows exactly what else he needs to do to get her back. "So what are we wearing to the reunion?" He has it all planned in his head, Rachel needed to start over and what better way than to attend the reunion and re-establish herself, not as Mrs. Finn Hudson but as Ms. Rachel Berry.
Kurt slings his bag on his shoulder as he bumps her, waiting for her response, knowing that the dress he had brought was perfect for her and all he had to do was convince her to wear it.
Initially, Rachel had wanted to go, knowing that she would be able to see all her old friends. To meet those that made it out of Lima and perhaps also to finally meet Quinn again. She didn't owe Quinn anything but it felt right to at least acknowledge that the blond had been right in highlighting that she had been naïve and that she didn't belong with Finn.
"Nothing." She sees his eyebrows rise and quickly backtracks. "I'm not wearing nothing. I mean I'm not going." It wasn't a difficult decision to make considering she had just left her husband, was almost broke and had nothing to show for the past ten years. She wasn't feeling embarrassed but more sorry for herself and she didn't need to bring the rest of the people down.
Besides, she knew that Finn was going to be there and perhaps some form of physical separation was also called for considering she had hurt him with her actions and didn't want to hurt him further by turning up.
She hears Kurt's indignant tone cutting through her morose thoughts, "Why? Because of Finn?" Kurt actually loved his step brother. Finn had been a jackass in the beginning, more afraid for his reputation than standing up for what he believed in.
However, he had learnt to accept Kurt and when it came down to it, he had watched Kurt's back and made sure that no one messed with him senior year. He and Burt actually took turns meeting all of Kurt's boyfriends throughout the years, somehow always managing to threaten them against hurting him. So he wasn't about to take sides even if he wanted to.
He loved the both of them and wanted them in his life. However, he learnt early on that life wasn't always fair and both Rachel and Finn deserved to be happy and that entailed them being apart and the sooner they accepted it, the sooner they could finally move on with their lives instead of just living a facsimile of one. It was really up to him to ensure that they moved on and for that to happen, he needed them both to acknowledge it.
"Yes. He should go." It's a self imposed exile that she can accept and a punishment of sorts that seem to fit. "He won state and was prom king." Things that seemed so damn important then but losing their luster so quickly in the scheme of things, she can hardly remembers why prom queen had been part of her dream.
"Rach, you were Prom Queen." He sees her smile wistfully, "Everyone deserves to be there, all of us. You think I'm not dreading seeing Karofsky or god forbid Sue Sylvester." He pulls her closer to him and her head rests on his shoulder as they walk towards the exit. "We'll face them together and besides, with the dress I made for you, I'd be surprise if anyone recognizes you."
She's still noncommittal but knew that he was right. If she really was serious about starting over, she had to face everyone again, not run and hide but to start to make choices again and find her way forward.
I just have to stay and face my mistakes,
It hadn't been her intention to meet her parents at all. She called at Christmas and Thanksgiving, sent clippings of some of her reviews and even tried to keep her private life as quiet as possible because she knew that they would disapprove. Not only of Jackson but definitely of Selena and she didn't want her father to have to explain to the Church Elders or her mother to give excuses to her reading circle.
Quinn had prayed so hard that they would have taken the opportunity to visit Frannie but luck had not been on her side as she looked up to see her father staring at her from across the dining room.
The restaurant wasn't particularly crowded and she should have looked around when they had first arrived. But she had been so caught up in her head, excited that she was finally going to get the chance to make it up to Rachel and worried that the words she had chosen were still not the right ones.
So she let Jackson order the wine and the appetizers and had been looking blindly at the menu when she felt him nudge her elbow and whisper conspiratorially in her ear. "Not that you're not the most attractive woman in this restaurant but if I didn't know any better, that man sitting four tables across either knows you or really hates the woman he's with because he hasn't stopped looking at you since he spotted you."
Quinn closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, sending up a quick prayer that it's not who she thinks it is and when she finally makes eye contact, she wishes that they had stopped in the bar before they took their seats. "It's my father."
Her words already bringing out Jackson's protective instincts as he places his hand on hers. He's never had the opportunity to meet Russell Fabray but he had heard Quinn's end of various phone calls over the years. Each one of them ending with her subdued and lost in her own head because inevitably her mother or most times, her father would comment on what a waste her life had turned out to be. And she never contradicted the statement instead choosing to remain quiet, feeding into the Fabrays' view that her silence meant consent to their view.
"I'm fine." Quinn smiles reassuringly at Jackson hoping that he'll accept her words because she's anything but. However, she wasn't going to give Russell the privilege of knowing that, as she stands and walks towards their table.
"Quinnie." Her mother's force cheeriness as she stands by her chair already grating. Her smile so false that Quinn wonders if she actually feels it anymore or if it's just reflex now, like staying with her father even though they haven't been happy since she was ten.
"Mom, Dad. I just got in. There's a reunion at the school and I'm leaving in a few days. Perhaps I could come by tomorrow?" She addresses the words to her father when she sees her mom take a swig from her glass.
"Don't put yourself out." The sneer in his voice is apparent. "Your priorities have always been skewered." Quinn wonders if he realizes that she doesn't care what he thinks any more, that he doesn't have a hold over her or her actions.
"That's because I learnt them from you. Family first but only if they don't disappoint, correct? Otherwise, ignorance is bliss." She spits out the words, knowing that she shouldn't let him get to her. When she left Lima, she managed to leave everything behind as well. All her feelings of inadequacy and her acceptance that her parents would never accept her regardless of whether she's finally accepted herself.
Quinn feels Jackson take her hand as stands next to her. "Mr Fabray? It's ..well, I guess it is good to finally meet you." His voice takes on a tone she recognizes from his father. Like he's talking to someone whom he doesn't care for but he's too polite to show it. Quinn tries to hide her smile even as she sees her father bristle at Jackson's tone.
"Who's this, dear?" Judy Fabray had learnt really early on to just skirt the edges of her life, not to be fully invested because things were bound to change and she could never hold onto anything for too long like the sanctity of her marriage or Quinn's love or even her sobriety. So she focused on the now and right now, there was a young man standing next to Quinn. Not the woman she had seen her with in some of the pictures from the magazines she read outside.
"Jackson Gellar, ma'am." He actually bows slightly, causing Quinn to smile at his antics. "I'm your very talented daughter's manager and best friend. And I care for her very much." He stands taller shifting slightly such that he stares down at Russell his hand protectively positioned around Quinn's waist.
He had seen her from across the room, her relaxed posture hardening as her father had talked to her and all he wanted to do was to wipe the sneer off Russell Fabray's face.
"Come over tomorrow. Your father and I would love to hear about your recent success." She shoots a hopeful look at her husband who clenches his jaw but nods curtly.
Quinn feels Jackson steer her away to their table. She blindly reaches for the glass of wine and drains it even before she fully takes her seat. "So I guess that finally explains a lot, doesn't it." The bitter smile and tone surprises him but he actually does understand a lot more about Quinn now.
"Only proves how completely amazing you are in accomplishing everything so far." He sees her smile falter and understands that she will always feel guilty even if she wasn't completely responsible for her parents failed marriage or Rachel Berry's choices. Quinn was the type of person to take it upon herself to correct something that she knows is not right.
He hates that she sees her accomplishments paling in the shadow of the guilt she carries and the weight of her parents' obvious disappointment in her life.
But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this
Rachel turns as she looks in the mirror, astonished at her reflection. Kurt was right and the dress was amazing. It was made of pink shantung silk that snugly wrapped around her. It was something that people wore to award shows or state dinners, not to a high school reunion in Lima Ohio but Kurt would not hear of her refusing.
"I made it for you." He's adamant as he models his tux for her benefit. "I think we're going to be the best dressed by a mile." He sees her smiling at him and drops the news he just received an hour ago via text. "Well us and Quinn."
It's not that he suspects anything or had actually seen proof of real attachment between Quinn and Rachel. There were a handful of times in high school where either one of them would actually go out of their way to help the other. Not because they were forced into it but like it needed to be done. He always wondered why though. Why Rachel would try and extend friendship and why Quinn would stare at Rachel during glee practice, her hooded eyes following the brunette so closely each time she sang.
Even now, each time he talks to either of them, parts of the conversation would inevitably end up with them asking of each other; surprisingly subtle segues on Rachel's part and more obvious cues from Quinn. He does not expect them to be best of friends; he wasn't that much of an optimist. But he knows Rachel needed another friend right now and maybe Quinn could help her fill that void.
So he watches Rachel's face, and sees the flit of emotions play across it from fear to regret and finally settling on hope. "Quinn's coming?"
"Honey, Quinn's here." He almost squeals when he sees Rachel's eyes widen and dart about as if trying to see if she was really in the room with them. "She just got in and is staying at the Fairmont."
It was the only upmarket hotel in Lima and Finn had managed to take her there for drinks at the restaurant bar for their anniversary two years ago. The restaurant one of only a handful to actually serve vegan meals but Finn had made reservations at Breadstix that night.
It had been a nice night, only marred slightly at the end when she had sighed as they passed the restaurant and he had taken offence, forcing her to apologize throughout their subsequent meal at Breadstix. She had felt so guilty for not being happy that instead of ordering the meatless meatballs as usual, she just went with the meat. She had thrown up later that night and Finn had held her hair back, finally apologizing himself.
It always ended up with them apologizing to one another and she should have been brave enough to stop the vicious cycle of hurting each other only to say sorry later. "Have you talked to her?" His question surprising her because he knows that they haven't been in contact since graduation.
So Rachel shakes her head. "Do you want to?" Yes her answer immediate but only in her mind because she knows that she has nothing to say to Quinn except maybe to admit that she had been right all along and that Rachel shouldn't have gone after her school girl fantasy and heeded her advice instead.
And maybe Quinn did deserve to know that, to realize that she had been right and by staying in Lima, she would have settled for something that she didn't truly want. "Yes." Her answer comes out as a whisper, a wish really.
"Well, you'll get your chance at the reunion." He sees her nod before she takes off the dress.
"Maybe." She hangs it up, "I'm meeting Mr. Schue at the school. He wants to go over my lesson plan and I guess I'll tell him I'm going for the reunion." His enthusiastic nod making her think that perhaps it'll be the first right decision she's made in a long time.
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
To say the visit to her parents had gone acceptably was stretching it. To call it an unmitigated disaster was a more accurate description considering it had ended with tears from her mother, her father's near apoplectic rage and her triumphant admission that her lifestyle that he had referred to in such a derogatory manner was her choice and regardless of the labels he had tried to put on her, she knew exactly who she was and who she never wanted to be.
It ended soon enough when Russell had tried to slap her only to have Jackson step between them and push him away. She knew it would end badly but decided to go through with the visit anyway, like a primer for her eventual meet with Rachel. It's not that she's equating her parents with Rachel Berry but just that she needed to put things into context, to show that despite knowing the low odds and expecting the obvious, she was still going to go through with it.
That she was going to be defiant in the face of utter rejection because taking the chance was worth it, because Rachel was worth it.
"Thanks." She still can't believe that he had almost hit her father and it was only because she had held onto his arm did he relent.
"I still want to hit him." She smiles at his words.
"So do I, all the time." She sees the sign for McKinley High and suddenly feels a pull so strong that she shouts for him to turn. "Left, turn left." He's always trusted her so he does not bat an eyelid and ignores the loud honking behind them as he follows her instructions.
He glances at her, her hands in her lap as she gazes out the window at the building before them and he sees her literally transform before his eyes when he finally parks the car.
"What?" Her voice is tentative for the first time.
"You look…" How does he describe that she seems to have gotten younger, softer, somewhat., like all her worries and fears have disappeared, giving her some respite. Different from the stories she told him of being the HBIC of McKinley. "You look like how I pictured you should have looked in high school." The soft waves of her hair cascading down her shoulders and her eyes, still bright as if she had so many things to look forward to and nothing to regret.
"So pray tell, what are we doing here? The reunion isn't until tomorrow night."
She can't explain it either, from never wanting to see this place again to almost needing to be here right now. "I don't know, I guess I wanted to see it in daylight" He can see her biting her bottom lip as if working up the courage to make it onto school grounds tomorrow, like she needed to do a test run today.
"So what are you waiting for?" He extends his hand for her to take it before he walks her to the front steps. The doors to the school closed and he sees her take a breath and at once transforms yet again, like she's donning invisible armor, something to protect herself from ghosts from her past.
Classes are over and the afternoon janitor actually recognizes her, such that he smiles and winks when she asks him for permission to look around. The school not much different from his but it's her enthusiasm that's contagious as she pulls him this way and that, finally showing him the trophy cases.
Actually breezing by the Cheerios multiple ones to stop in front of the Glee case. Pictures are tacked on the back board. Various Glee clubs throughout the years until she finally spots the few she had been searching for.
"There." She points at the one of Rachel belting out "Don't Rain on My Parade" as well as the group one of Rachel and Finn carrying their Nationals trophy.
"That" He exhales as he turns to stare at her, "explains so much." He always wondered what she saw in him or Selena for that matter. It wasn't that they weren't attractive but more that they were so different from Quinn, yet she chose to be with them. Except she wasn't choosing them but substituting them for someone whom she wanted but couldn't have.
She sees understanding in his eyes though and a bit of forgiveness too.
The door down the hall opens as Mr. Shue steps out, "Thanks for locking up Rachel. I'll see you at the Reunion." He does not see them and walks the other way, whistling a Journey tune. Quinn is too stunned to call out because all she can comprehend is that Rachel might actually be in the choir room.
There was absolutely no reason for Rachel to be but likewise, there had been no feasible rational as to why she felt compelled to stop by the school today either. She's frozen though, unable to move and not really wanting to either because this was as close as she's ever gotten and dreaming about it was very different from actually living it .
"Rachel?" Jackson's voice questioning as she looks at him, her eyes wide. She had practiced what she wanted to say. Had told him the context of the conversation that had started it all, and how it would be the one conversation that she would give anything to do over. She would never have goaded Rachel into thinking she needed Finn. Jackson can see the indecision on her face but he knows that she's ready and all she needed was a push.
So he pulls her forward even as he feels her try and turn away. "You already know what you want to say and if you can stand up to that son of a bitch Russell, you can face Rachel Berry." He yanks open the door and pushes her into the room, shutting it loudly behind him.
When all that you touch tumbles down?
"Did you forget your keys ag.."Rachel looks up from the piano expecting to see Mr. Schue only to be confronted with Quinn Fabray, standing there, her hands by her side and staring at her, as if ten years had not passed by.
She's been sitting by the piano, her fingers idly playing a melody, missing the sound of music in her life and finally admitting that the ache in her heart wasn't about loving Finn too much but realizing he was never going to be enough. That nothing could replace her initial dream.
There's such a strong sense of déjà vu for her because they've been in this position before except in reverse. Rachel sees Quinn steps forward and she feels like something's about to change.
"We're friends, right?" Her words are so soft that Rachel's not sure if she was meant to hear them so she stays silent, wanting to look away but not able to because she really wants to know why Quinn is here, talking to her.
Bolder this time, Quinn takes another step forward as she places her hands on the piano, her gaze never wavering from Rachel's face. "I mean.." This time her voice is louder, "we bonded over your mom adopting Beth." And they had. Rachel had been the one to broach the subject when she found Quinn crying behind the bleaches one afternoon.
She had seen Quinn go pale when Mrs. Anderson had brought her baby girl into school that day and knew that despite her external demeanor, she would never get over giving Beth up, much like Rachel would never get over Shelby's snub.
Over that summer between Sophomore and Junior year, Rachel would call or text every now and then, giving her snippets of how Beth was doing and when she felt a bit braver, she would ask in between as to how Rachel was feeling knowing that her mom was never going to be anything more than an egg donor to her. In the end, as always, she had pushed Rachel out of her mind ignoring her overtures when school had started up again.
Rachel nods at Quinn's words, her jaw clenching tight because she's remembering the summer but also the last conversation they had before her dream changed, before she made the wrong choice. "Go Ahead…ask me…" She can't remember the combination to the locker or the name of her junior year history teacher but she remembers every word that Quinn had said to her ten years ago. The conversation scorched in her memory.
"Are you and Finn together?" Quinn knows how this will play out, what Rachel will say next and she steel herself for the answer in the affirmative only she almost staggers back when Rachel says something else. It hurts but in a good way and Quinn feels the tears prick her eyes because she may actually have a chance here to do the right thing.
"No. I left him a week ago." She looks down as if ashamed before facing Quinn again, not really knowing what to expect or how Quinn would take the news. But she needs to face things now as she looks up only to see Quinn's crying, tears rolling down her cheeks, which she does not even brush aside.
"Quinn?" It's the way that Rachel says her name that actually makes her cry harder. Like Rachel was worried for her, like she wanted to offer comfort even though that was not the reason she was here.
"I'm..sor…I'm sorry." She stutters out, almost stumbling back when Rachel stands, her hand extended as if offering comfort. "You..you deserve your Happy Ending." She sees Rachel's startled look at her words, her hands once again by her side even as she walks around to stand in front of Quinn.
She does this sometimes, play over the conversation in her head, wondering what would have happened if she had accepted Quinn's words, had understood that through it all, Quinn was telling her that she could get out of Lima. But she hadn't and to hear Quinn repeat it now was like a second chance. Only, she knows that she can't get back ten years even if Quinn has given her back this one memory.
"But.." Rachel doesn't really understand what's happening although she can feel that it's important she sees this through even if she ends up getting hurt again. "But I never seem to get it right." She tries to smile but it comes out as a grimace as she bows her head.
They're both crying now as Quinn finally steps forward her arms encircling Rachel. They fit together, Rachel's head pressed into Quinn shoulder as her chin rest upon it. Quinn feels the smaller woman shudder and all she wants to do is to hold on and not let go.
It feels so right to have Quinn's arms around her but she can't afford to make the same mistakes like before. Finn hadn't been the person she expected and likewise, Quinn could never be as well. However, the moment feels true and she feels the ache in her chest abate somewhat. Rachel knows that it's just temporary but at this moment, Quinn arms around her makes her feel good and she just wants to not think of anything else except the fact that this was the first time she had felt good in such a long time.
End Part 4
I really needed to rewrite the piano scene as you can tell :) Next chapter should definitely be the reunion. Have a good weekend