These padded walls and TV screens
Sometimes they make me want to scream
He realizes that she's kind of crazy, a little.
Or at least, she was.
"We used to have a transfer student in our school, you know," she tells him nonchalantly while she's pushing his wheelchair out of the hospital doors towards the garden. "Her name was Sunshine and she's from the Philippines."
"Oh," he answers noncommittally, wondering what she would say if he asks her to play that 'game' he and Puck used to play when he still came over. She'd probably look at him like he's crazy and wheel him right back to his room.
He hates to admit it, but he kind of misses Puckerman sometimes.
That doesn't mean he's gonna do anything about it though.
"She sang very well," she continues, sitting down on bench next to his chair.
"Hmm."
"I was afraid that people were going to think she was better than me."
She's looking down at her hands now, and he can't see her face because as usual, her hair hides it from him. The quiet way she said those words made him pay attention.
"I sent her to a crackhouse."
"You- you what?" he questions in disbelief. She said the words so quickly, he barely heard her, but he's pretty sure she just said what he thought she just said.
She looks up at him, her eyes huge and defensive.
"It wasn't an active crackhouse. I mean, it was two weeks into glee club and I was making my way towards being its star attraction. I couldn't let anyone get in the way of that. I'm not crazy, I swear," she finishes quickly at the alarmed look on his face. They stare at each other for a few seconds longer, because holy shit, she sent someone to a freaking crackhouse? She's blushing to the roots of her hair though, and he thinks she's really struggling not to look away.
"Nothing happened. I even surveyed the area before I sent her there, which was why I knew that Lima's seediest residents have moved to a- you know what? Forget I ever told you that," she murmurs, finally breaking their gaze. "Besides, I think this is sort of like karma anyway. Now she's the lead singer in Vocal Adrenaline and I'm nothing."
She sounds so upset, it kinda kills him a little. Besides, he knows what her voice sounds like. And he knows what being nothing is like too, and she's not nothing.
"C'mon. You're not nothing," he says soothingly, placing his braced hand over hers. She looks up at him doubtfully. "You're Rachel. And once you get over the whole pneumonia thing, you're gonna get your killer vocals back," he continues confidently, smiling at her.
"You're very nice to me," she tells him shyly, beaming. He grins.
"But you kinda are though. Crazy, I mean."
He laughs when she playfully socks his arm.
So fine, she's a little weird, and that was kinda really mean. But hey, Puck throws kids in dumpsters all the time and he saw Quinn made a girl cry so hard at Cheerios tryouts once, she literally fainted, so it's not like he hasn't seen worse. At least she seemed to be torn up about it, which is more than he could say about Puck and Quinn. Besides, he can't really say he doesn't wish that Sam would go find a hole to fall into sometimes either.
Okay, so she's a little crazy. But she feels like the kind of crazy he likes.
Xxx
Things with his mom are getting worse. He knows he's not helping, like at all. But he can't help it okay? Talking to her is hard. Like, he can't do it, he can't look her in the face and tell her how fucking terrified he is right now. And he knows she's disappointed okay?
It's not like he was the only one relying on good ole' football to get him out of this place.
There is a giant ball of guilt in him somewhere, and it keeps getting bigger the longer he thinks about her.
But when she comes in and tries to pretend like nothing's wrong, like this isn't the end of the world, it just fucking pisses him off and he can't look her in the eye because all he wants to do is scream until he loses his voice.
Because that's a fucking lie.
Xxx
It hits him why that Kurt kid looked so familiar.
He thinks back to sophomore year and the first kid he ever helped throw in a dumpster. He'd held Kurt's jacket for him while Puck tipped him over, because the dude seemed so torn up about that stupid piece of clothing in particular. Seriously, the dude was more worried about his stupid jacket than he was about getting tossed into trash, so it really was the least that he could do for him, considering. Finn knows that he's not in McKinley anymore 'cause he'd mentioned Dalton Academy once when Sandy had asked him about school.
Kurt doesn't look at him like he remembers though.
Finn figures that even if he did, Kurt would probably think that this is karma too, for all the shitty things he used to pull.
It's a new word she taught him, and boy, that karma sure is a revengeful bitch.
Xxx
"Nana called the other day. She sent you her famous chocolate chip cookies," his mom says brightly as she places the red tin box on his tray like it's a peace offering. She's standing next to him cautiously, and he feels that familiar twinge of guilt at the way she's looking at him.
"One you're all better, we'll take a little trip to see her. She misses you, you know."
He clenches the sheets with his good hand, trying not to be a jerk. But just because he knows better, doesn't make it hurt any less.
"I'm not getting better mom. They can't fix me, remember?" he tells her bluntly.
"Finn," she answers tiredly with a sigh as she brings a hand up to her temple. "You know what I mean."
He says nothing to that, fixing his gaze on the tin of cookies in front of him instead.
"I'm tired," he says shortly.
"Finn-"
"I'm going to take a nap." He moves to pull his blanket up higher, but her hand stops him.
"No."
He looks up to find her looking firmly down at him, but the hand she has on his trembles a little when he meets her gaze.
"No?"
"No. You're going to talk to me, because I am your mother, and I will not allow you to treat me this way any longer."
"I don't have anything to say," he answers, shrugging nonchalantly even though he feels his entire body start to heat up. He hears her sighing as she moves closer to his bed, the hand on his moving to touch his face.
"Finn," she whispers, her voice shaking enough to make him look up again and catch the way her eyes shimmer. "Please."
"Finn! I- oh, I'm sorry."
They both look towards the open door to find Rachel standing awkwardly at the doorway. He smiles at her, feeling oddly relieved at her presence.
"Hey," he says, ignoring his mom and the way she's still looking at him. She sighs again before she finally turns, pasting a smile on her face. He sees Rachel smile as she moves forward to extend her hand.
"Hi! You must be Finn's mom. I'm Rachel Berry."
He watches as they shake their hands and his mom introduces herself.
"Call me Carole, sweetie. Are you the one who's been getting Finn out of his room?"
"Yeah, he's too lazy to do it by himself. But you don't mind, do you?" she finishes in alarm as Finn rolls his eyes and smiles at her joke, feeling himself relaxing.
"No, no I'm glad he's made a friend here. It can get lonely being here alone."
"Oh you have no idea. I'm sorry for bothering you. I just came by to give you this," she continues, beaming at him as she drops a CD on his lap. He turns it over in confusion.
"I told my parents about you, and how you liked listening to classic rock. My daddy likes you so much, he made you his very own personalized mix. That's how you know if he likes you or not," she says conspiratorially.
"Awesome," he tells her brightly, looking at the neat cursive of her daddy's handwriting. There's Journey in there, and Poison. He thinks he sees Guns n Roses too.
"Well, I'll be going now. I'll see you tomorrow Finn."
"You don't have to leave," he pipes up suddenly as she makes her way towards the door. She turns in surprise and looks at Carole.
"But your mom-"
"It was nothing," he says quickly, avoiding all contact with his mom. She's still looking at him doubtfully, like she knows he's lying.
"Yes," Carole says suddenly. "I was just leaving. You should stay and keep him company."
Rachel beams at them both and says "Okay" as she makes her way back, and he avoids looking at his mom until she walks out the door.
"Wanna take a listen?" she asks and he turns to find her already rummaging through his drawer for his laptop.
"Yeah," he answers enthusiastically, trying to ignore that crappy feeling in his stomach.
Xxx
"You don't like to talk about yourself, do you?"
"Hmm?"
She shrugs her shoulders as they walk side by side to the hospital cafeteria. Okay fine, so technically, he's wheeling himself next to her. She stopped pushing his chair for him once she overheard Dr. Chang saying, for like the hundredth time, that he needed to do some exercises for it. He doesn't think that pushing his own wheelchair was exactly what the dude had in mind, but whatever.
"It's just that I don't know anything about you."
"Sure you do. You know what music I like, and that I hate yellow jello."
"Yeah, but that's not what really knowing someone is," she argues. "I mean, I agree that knowing one another's musical preferences is crucial, but what about family background. Or what your friends are like? I have a theory on that one, but it's not very flattering, and I'm sure you'll clarify that I'm not wholly correct in my assumptions. Anyway, what's your life like Finn? What do you like? What don't you like?"
She takes a seat on the table closest to the door and he parks himself at the edge of the table.
"Right now? I like the red jello they're serving. I don't like the broccoli though. Ugh."
"Finn," she groans, rolling her eyes.
"What's with the third degree?" he asks lightly. She looks back at him seriously.
"I just realized I didn't even know your mom's name until she introduced herself."
"So?"
"So you know the names of half of my family members by now. And you know that daddy likes to make customized mixes for people he likes."
"I just don't talk as much as you do?"
"Are you saying I talk too much?" she demands. Shit.
"Erm-"
"It's okay," she cuts in, waving him off. "Daddy says it's an affliction of the Berry gene."
"Oh," he answers, his head spinning. He's confused by now. What does she want exactly?
"What's your mom like?" she asks suddenly. He looks at the brace on his arm, at the initials of her name she had scrawled earlier.
"She- she's like my mom," he answers, shrugging.
"That's not an answer."
"Sure it is. She's all mom-like and stuff, you know?"
"I don't know," she answers quietly.
"Oh, right. You have two gay dads."
"She seems really nice."
"Yeah. I- she's- she's awesome."
"What were you talking about the other day?"
"Boy, you're really nosy you know that?"
"Finn."
"What?"
"You don't go around telling a girl she's nosy," she huffs, insulted. He knows this. But he also knows that he kinda wants her to shut up about his mom and stuff.
"Sorry," he answers, 'cause he doesn't really want her to be pissed at him. She sighs and rolls her eyes.
"Fine. Guard the table while I go get us our food."
"Totally," he answers brightly, saluting her as she stands. She smiles a little at that, and he watches as she walks towards the line, feeling like he just dodged a bullet.
Or like, two three hundred pound linebackers.
Ha. ha.
Xxx
"They wouldn't leaves us alone."
He stares at Kurt Hummel's face as he starts to speak. He's not particularly sure what he's seeing. He thinks that it's not really fear, but it's not really courage either. He's not really all that comfortable listening to this.
"My friend, Blaine and I, we were out late that night to get some supplies for our upcoming theatre production, and we stopped for some gas. These- these animals wouldn't stop taunting us, and they followed us out into the parking lot. That was when Blaine decided to say something. They didn't like that," Kurt continues sarcastically. He's kind of looking pointedly at Finn. What the hell is that all about?
"A bunch of queers talking back at the kings of public high school, how dare we? Next thing I knew, someone had punched me in the face. I blacked out after a while, and when I came to, here I was."
"That's horrible," Rachel whispers.
He feels kind of sick, but it's mixed with something else, defensive and bitter. Kurt nods his head once and sits back down without a word.
He can't stand being here. He hates this.
He ignores her when she calls out to him as he wheels himself out.
Xxx
"What happened?" she asks quietly later, when she finds him out in the garden, staring sullenly at the wall.
"It's stupid," he mutters.
"What is?"
"This. Everything. This whole fucking thing is stupid!"
"Finn."
"What? You don't think so? You don't think it's stupid that I have to listen to all this- all this shit that happened to them like I'm supposed to care?"
"You do care."
"I don't. Okay? I don't care. I don't give a flying fuck about anybody. You know why? 'Cause I'm screwed Rachel! Life fucked me over, and the only chance I ever had of getting out of this place is gone! I don't want to care about them!"
His voice is shaking as he tries not to scream out his words. He doesn't even know what he's actually saying right now. He just knows that this is unfair, and it's pissing him off, and he can't do a fucking thing about any of it.
"I don't want to care that Kurt's life sucks 'cause he's gay and the people in this town are assholes. I don't want to care that the new girl has cancer. I hate this stupid therapy! I hate listening to them talk about how bad their situation is. What, is it supposed to make me feel better, huh? Am I supposed to be grateful that all I have is a busted knee and a dead end future? 'Cause hey, at least people don't beat me up for no reason and I'm not dying right?"
"Stop it," she says quietly, and he knows she's starting to cry by the way her voice breaks, but the rage that takes him over won't let him feel anything else.
"I lost everything. Don't you get it?"
"Don't say that. It's not true."
"What the fuck would you know about it?" he asks angrily, looking her dead in the eyes. "Yeah, 'cause you know me so well right? 'Cause you're the girl who lost her voice and is too afraid to sing again, right? You think that's the same thing? It's not. You still have something. You're just too afraid to admit it."
He can't take his words back, not even as her eyes widen and the hurt pours out of every pore on her face. It's like he's a train crash waiting to happen. He's heaving slightly as he finishes because it's been a while since he's said so much and it's been a while since he lets himself feel. She's quiet.
"Stop being mean. It's not like you," she finally says.
"How do you know?" he challenges. "Maybe I'm just a bully like Kurt obviously thinks I am. Maybe I'm just nice to you 'cause I'm nothing but a loser now. Maybe-"
"Maybe you're right."
That shut him up. She looks at him defiantly as she stands, tears pooling in her eyes as she wipes them away angrily.
"Maybe you are just the boy who threw that Slushie at me last year. Maybe that's all you are, because you sure are trying your best to be him right now. I'm sorry you had to hang out with me all this time because all your real friends are too busy being cool to care. I won't bother you anymore."
He watches as she stalks away with a loud sob, clenching his fist.
He knows he fucked up.
He knows he's fucked up.
But there isn't exactly a damn thing he can do about it, is there?
A/N: The lyrics at the beginning of the first three chapters are from Nerve Damage by Lifehouse. The lyrics on this chapter are from Space by Something Corporate. I highly suggest listening to them because they helped me in setting the tone for this story. But hey, only if you want to =)