Chapter Three
A Broken Hearts Decisions
~Bella POV~
When I arrived home I knew I had to think quick. Especially if I didn't want Alice to catch me. I grabbed my car keys and left. Hopping on the Interstate, I had no clue where I was headed. I just had to run from this pain. It wasn't an ache, it was like a burn. Starting in my heart and spreading throughout my body. I hadn't expected him to be so repulsed by my implication of eternity with him that he would imitate a fish. But that was to be expected. I knew deep down that he didn't want me. He had Tanya. The song he sung was nothing but an apology, a feeble attempt to say "Can we be friends?" Foolish Bella! For you to think anything otherwise is laughable!
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.
I felt like there was a cold and immense force tugging at my insides. Edward, ripping my heart out. This was the last time he would hurt me. This rejection hurt like a motherfucker. I would rather feel physical pain. Oh I don't know say the pain of a vampire bite? Now I knew it would never come. I looked up. I was parked in front of Charlie's. How did I zone out for that long? Why was I even here? He was on a fishing trip with Billy for the next few days. I opened the fridge. Nothing as usual. I went into the cabinet and grabbed his forty year old bottle of scotch. Taking a glass and putting ice in it I gulped down two full cups. I walked up the stairs. In my room at my desk was where I found my self next.
Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.
Who was I writing to? I noted the several pieces of paper I had. I kept going. Stopping didn't seem like an option. How I was blacking out like this was beyond me. Still, I kept on. My next stop on my trip was the bathroom. I grabbed all of Charlie's medicines. His anti-depressants and sleeping medication: Lithium, Valium. Ever since Erica, his fiancé died in a car accident he had been taking them. I shoved them in my pockets. I grabbed the scotch and drove off. I had an inkling of an idea as to what I was going to do. I wasn't even scared. For once that night I felt like I was at piece. All I knew was if I wasn't with him. If I didn't have him, there was no reason for life. There was no one else who could make me feel alive. So what was the point in even trying? I was dead without him. Might as well finish it.
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.
Not a moment later was my phone ringing. Alice. When I came to grips with my situation, and made a choice, she knew. I answered. I was on a war path and anyone who got in my way was going to feel my rage my hurt, my sorrows.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
"Please don't do it!" Alice begged.
"It's set in stone, I was going to die one day might as well be now. You don't know the pain I feel." Was my reasoning. Couldn't she understand that this was unbearable? I didn't want to spend another day existing. Seeing him with another woman. Someone who was his match? I couldn't hold a candle to Tanya. When I fought, I lost so I was going to bow out gracefully. It was graceful in my eyes.
Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go
"He loves you! Damnit don't do it! He was on his way to…" I interrupted her.
"Just shut the fuck up Alice. Damn your incessant talking really gets on my nerves!" I hadn't meant to explode and hurt her but I really wanted her to be quiet. By the way she gasped I knew her mouth was going to be quiet, at least for now. I continued. "The only reason I picked up was to tell you goodbye. I love you more than you know, all of you. I'll miss you, and us playing Bella Barbie. Did you know that I actually did like it? When you made me over I felt so good, like maybe I had a chance with him. That he would realize he belonged with me. That she was a plastic little spastic" I giggled at my analogy.
Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.
She was sobbing. I could hear Jasper trying to calm her but to no avail. Rose was yelling don't do it and Emmett was saying he was sorry for teasing me, that he would never do it again if I would just come home.
"He loves you! I know it. Let him come to you and tell you!" Alice should have been an actress. She deserved an Oscar for this one. If only she could cry real tears.
"My alley cat I love you so take care of Jasper and tell Emmett to take care alright?"
"Isabella Marie Swan don't do it. I will turn you myself. Now, where are you?" was Rose's voice.
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.
Well that caught me off guard. If it was anyone that wanted to protect my mortality and "virtue" it would have been her. It was a ploy, to get me to wait. "There's no point, if I don't have my love I don't want it at all. Eternity without him is too much. I'd end up going to the Volturi to end my pitiful existence. Enough of this, don't make this any harder than this has to be." I was sobbing, I clutched my sides. The burn was taking over everything. I couldn't see or do anything any more. My tears burned my cheeks. I screamed, hoping that it would stop. It raged even more.
"He is on his way little sister just wait for him!" Jasper cooed. For a split second I thought about it.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, ...stay in love with you.
I'm gonna let it go.
"I love you all tell Esme and Carlisle I love them." I hung up. I started my car and drove. When I turned her off I wondered through the woods. I found myself at the same place he told me that he loved me. I sat against a tree and took out the pills. With out thinking I gulped down half the bottle of Valiums next the Lithium. I choked a little this time. The scotch spilled over and onto my shirt. I swallowed it down. I preferred that burn compared to the heartache. I wiped my face in my shirt and tied my hair up. I settled into the tree trunk. I suddenly felt sleepy. I grabbed my I-pod and turned it on shuffle. 'My Immortal' by Evanescence came on. Ironic much? I closed my heavy lids. I imagined him. His panty dropping crooked grin, velvet voice, his icy touch and marble body. How I wished I could feel his touch once more, see his eyes sparkle or watch him play the piano with such grace. Hearing him sing my lullaby would have been the best though.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
"Ah my Bella your late! Whatever took you so long?" he was swinging me. I giggled I remembered that time. He sent me on a goose chase, all over Forks. "Your last directions through me for a loop..but.." I was going to finish but I tripped. In a flash he caught me. I felt electricity crackle between us. I looked into his amber depths. He smiled and caressed my face. "Be careful Love, I don't want to lose you…" his lips touched mine. "Breathe Bella." He chuckled against my lips.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
"Edward I have something that I must tell you" I said standing up straight. I shook off my Edward induced haze and bit my lip. "Yes? Don't ever be afraid to speak your mind. It drives me crazy when you don't." He answered. We sat down against a tree. For a moment I was quiet silently gathering the courage to tell him. "I love you. I mean it with every fiber of my being I can't do a thing without you crossing my mind." I blurted out. He didn't look at me right away I got scared and felt my tears build up.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I went to bolt but he caught me with ease. "Where were you going Isabella?" He asked touching my cheek. I didn't answer I just looked away. He pulled my chin up as my tears fell. His honey colored eyes went wide. "Oh my Bella, my beautiful, beautiful Bella don't you know that you're my life I would give anything I had to see your smile?" He said with a grin. Without another word he kissed me.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I felt light like I was floating through air. My hair was flowing all around me. This must be it. "Don't you dare die on me. You hear me? Isabella Marie Swan! I need you! Don't go." I knew that the Lithium I had taken was in effect. One of the side effects was hallucinations. So for Edward to truly be there begging me not to go was my subconscious thoughts. My self deluded thoughts. The burning was gone. The sensations that enveloped me now was that familiar tingle; that electric tingle. The only way to describe that was Edward. That was the same sensation I felt when he slept next to me in my room. When he snuck up to my room, my dark Romeo.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
"Why Bella? Why would you take your self from me? Don't you know that you're my life now and without you I will end my own? This is all my fault! I'm terribly sorry love please open your eyes and say that you will forgive me!" I tried to open my eyes. They were too heavy. Like I had weights on them, on my whole body. I tried to fight it. Why would I choose to fight the one thing that I begged for? Because I loved to put myself through that torment; a sucker for pain.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I hoped that it was him. I felt like I was running. Was he running? He couldn't have been, I wasn't feeling the familiar feeling of the wind being blown through my hair. All the noise I heard seemed to be so far away and almost like I was under water.
The screeching of tires and clanging of metal. My eyes flew opened, as I was flung out of the car. I skidded across the pavement, but I couldn't feel it now, all I saw was Edwards Volvo. What was left of it wrapped around a Chevron gasoline truck.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
I saw him run for me. "Bella! Love just hold on." He sobbed. The sharp pain rang through my body. I saw that I had a part of the windshield through my abdomen. He hovered above me. Not completely sure of how to help. "Ahhhhhhh! Edward!!!" My cries snapped him into reality. "This will hurt but I promise I will make it all better. Just be strong my love. Strong for me." Edward said kissing me. My breath caught as I inhaled his scent. The chill of his lips subdued some of the pain I felt as he pulled the glass out of me. He winced and continued to kiss me as I screamed in agony. I writhed and pulled on his shirt. "Make it stop. Please Edward, make…it." The last thing I felt was Edward kissing my neck.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me