Learning to Love and Be Loved

May 3, 1973

Wow, today was such a pain in the ass. I mean it literally too. Since I didn't go to work yesterday I had to sit there in my stuffy office, in that piece of crap chair I have and sign papers for what, six hours! Geeze, make some insignificant lower officer sign those things, not me! Unfortunately, the paperwork is only the tip of the very large iceberg that's threatening the city.

Apparently there's some creep running around in our lovely suburban city killing kids and teenagers. Ludwig filled me in on it this morning, and let me tell you it's one of the worse serial cases we've seen and we've seen a few. So far, three bodies (two males and one female) were discovered on the bank of the Lotus River, a river located a few miles outside our city, but still in our jurisdiction, yesterday and a new one was discovered earlier this morning (female). All of the victims were under the age of twenty, the youngest so far being fifteen. What kind of sick bastard would do this?

Enough with the killer, I don't really want to think about it right before I go to bed. So, anyway, I had to sign and examine papers, look at evidence photos, etc. It was horrible, almost as bad as sitting though those meetings Ludwig holds ever end of the month to discuss what's going on in the police force. …Sigh…I really need a new chair…

I felt really bad that I was unable to see Matthew at the time I promised to see him. There was just too much to deal with this new case. We've got the victims' families to call, the press asking questions to which the answers we really don't want to release, the media hounding our backs, and oh God don't even get me started on the public's reaction to this whole ordeal. I'm just about ready to rip my hair out. Even though I did get to go see him, it was at like what eight pm? As cute as he was at the ungodly hour, trying to stay awake and all, I didn't get to talk to him as much as I had wanted to. I hope Matthew doesn't have any lingering hard feelings about me being late... At least I was able to tell him goodnight and was the last person he saw today.

I guess I should start talking about what happened when I went to the Social Security office and the day in general. So, remember all of that paper work from the beginning? Yeah, it almost made me late to the appointment. It takes me about twenty minutes to get from the station to the S.S. building downtown using the bus. Unfortunately, due to all of the paperwork, I totally lost track of time. When I first looked at the clock on my desk when I had arrived, it read eight AM in flashing green letters. When I looked back (only after doing what felt like a year's worth of paperwork) the clock signaled that it was twelve thirty pm. Well, shit…The bus I needed to catch left at twelve twenty five…

Now I had a couple of choices in how I wanted to get to the office, taking note that I don't really own a car (just a nice motorcycle that I ride once in a while). So my choices were as followed: One, walk to the office. Not going to happen and besides, it took way too long. Two, catch a cab. NO. N. O. No. I thought. I will not pay twenty freakin' dollars to get from the station to downtown in a dirty car that's been used by how many people? Seriously…They rip your off too. The last choice I had was to ask Ludwig for a ride…which is like impossible since all the guy does is eat, sleep, and do work. Getting him to stop his job is like trying to rip a super glued penny from off the sidewalk it's glued to…

Well to make it short, I somehow managed to get Ludwig to give me a ride. He took me to the S.S. office and just in time too for the appointment. When he pulled the car to the drop off curb, I jumped out of the car and ran as fast as I could up to the third floor. Once I got there, I flung open the door to the office and flopped inside. I swear, that Norwegian receptionist guy gave me one of the most disgusted/WTF faces I have ever seen. It kind of creeped me out a little. Just a bit, I mean, the awesome me is never truly frightened, especially when the one trying to scare me was a secretary. He let me inside the office and told me that the boss would be in shortly. I waited for what felt like forever and then the door opened up, revealing that tall Danish man (with one of the wildest hairdos I have ever seen I should add) from before.

He walked over and sat behind his desk, pulling his arms up onto the said wooden counter so that he could rest his chin on his hands. He smiled at me while I just kind of sat there on the soft plush chair across from him. And so began our long discussion on Matthew's fate…

About an hour and a half later, I walked out of that room, a medium sized box of Matthew's few belongings in my hands and a head weighted down by the knowledge of what Matthew would now have to face on a daily basis. In my opinion, it was horrendous, but by what the Danish man said, it would greatly aid Matthew into a full recovery.

As I walked to where Ludwig said he would pick me up, I began to go over the information given to me during the meeting. I guess here, in this journal, I'll write all of the points out in a list. It's much easier to see if I forgot anything.

Every day (excluding Saturday and Sunday), Matthew would be dropped off at this special and specified daycare for all of the children who needed psychological help that were in the foster care system. There, he would get the therapy he needed as well as go to a class for the schooling he needs so that he won't fall behind others his age.

Every second Saturday of the month two workers from S.S. will come and check up on Matthew just to see how he's progressing and whether or not he could be put up for adoption. They will also see how I'm doing and whether or not I'm providing the right atmosphere and attention for Matthew.

Lastly, if I were to ever move from the city to a new one, I would have to notify the S.S. office and tell them where we're headed so that they can get in touch with the S.S. b ranch wherever we're moving. In other words, they'll always be watching us as long as Matthew is property of the state.

If anything the S.S. finds to be unsatisfactory, they could come in and take Matthew away from me. This is what killed me the most. There is no way I'm losing him.

After Ludwig picked me up and I had stashed the box into his trunk, we headed over to my apartment so that I could drop said box off. Once we were there at my apartment, I unloaded Matthew's belongings into my room and rejoined Ludwig back at the car. From there we headed back to the station to continue our work and investigation on what we dubbed the Lotus River Killer, so named after the river he seems to favor dumping his victims' bodies in.

Around four in the afternoon, the station received a call about a newly discovered body in the river. This one was a girl. She had blonde hair and was around fourteen, making her our youngest victim so far. Her throat was slashed and her clothes were missing, much like the other four victims. Unfortunately, her body was highly decomposed, making it hard to properly identify her.

Both Ludwig and myself arrived at the crime scene ready to investigate the area for clues or anything in that matter. We didn't find much, although we were able to take pictures to add to our ever growing case folder. Right when I thought that it couldn't get any worse, the media had to show up, thus broadcasting everything to the public.

By the time the scene was properly analyzed, no thanks to the ever present news reporters, it was seven forty. I felt bad because I had promised Matthew that I was going to see him earlier in the day and I had fallen drastically short on that promise. Somehow or another, I managed to persuade Ludwig to give me a ride to the hospital to visit Matthew even though visiting hours had officially passed.

I stormed through the hallways of the hospital wing that Matthew was in, ignoring all of the nurses shouts of "Sir! You aren't allowed to be here right now!" When I finally reached Matthew's room, I slowly opened the door and stuck my head inside.

There he was, violet eyes covering his face as he let out a small gasping sound when he saw me, sitting in his bed, Kumajirou in his arms. He must have been starting to fall asleep. I ran over to his bed and ruffled his hair a little as he gave me one of his million dollar smiles and a small tired hug. I'm sure Matthew wanted an explanation of my tardiness but at the time I could tell he didn't really care where I was. He only cared that I was there with him. I watched as he slowly fell asleep, his eyes drooping with every minute gone by. Once he was out, I whispered a "good night" into his ear and looked around. Seeing that no one was there to witness, I kissed his forehead gently and silently left the room, closing the door softly behind me.

Honestly, as I write this entry, I grow steadily excited as the anticipation for tomorrow builds. I'll finally be able to bring Matthew home and we'll be able to spend the day bonding. As much as I look forward towards my time with the boy, I can't help but wonder how the public will react when they find out that the head detective on the Lotus River case isn't trying to find the killer who's running lose in the city but is spending time with a little boy. On one hand, I need to do the best for Matthew, which is to give him the love and attention he needs, but on the other I also have a duty to the city, protecting its citizens and making sure that this sick bastard is put where he belongs.

I can plainly state that I'm afraid, afraid that if I don't do the right things Matthew could be taken away or I could lose my job. I can only hope that a safe balance between the two will be achieved, hopefully, sooner than later before anything can happen.

Yes, new chapter! So, Anime Expo this year was really fun! I ended up wearing my Canada cosplay for all four days since I managed to break my Kakuzu one by accidentally stepping on it with my boot...If any of you guys went, maybe I saw you, who knows? By the way, I'm having my wisdom teeth removed on Wednesday so I'm going to try and update sometime later today.