Kya ha ha henh henh henh! BB is back again with another chapter of Beyond Birthday's Chronicle of Crimes!

I've been a bit detained what with BLBC's (BeyondLawlietBeyondCompare) finals and shit.

BLBC: Sorry BB, but I gotta pass the quarter ya know?

Yeah yeah, anyways this is chapter is BB's Rules to Live By with a story about my second crime when I was 6.

1. Don't get mad. Get fuckin' pissed and THEN get even! Can't tell you how many times people have said "Beyond, you have to learn to control your anger." or "Backup, learn to resolve things peaceably." Well this crazy son of a gun says to hell with all of that, someone pisses you off you not only tell them so but do something about it! Turning the other cheek never got anyone anything other than a sore face.

2. Always keep a sharp knife handy. I personally prefer to have at least a 9" chef's knife with me every where I go. You never know when you might need to shank a bitch or when some poor unfortunate soul's lifespan is up! Kya ha ha ha!

3. Question everything. Never accept anything at face value. If I had just went with the flow of Whammy's I would've never been able to get out that repressive hellhole and lead my own life of murder and mayhem!

4. Experiment. Kinda goes hand in hand with the 3rd rule I mentioned. When I was kid all the crimes and murders (mostly animals, MOSTLY) were my experiments. I would do…really awful things to innocent creatures. I remember I killed a pigeon and sewed his wings to a rat's back. Heh heh heh good times….good times…

5. BB's last rule…DON'T SET YOURSELF ON FIRE! Seriously that shit hurts and now half my face looks like Joan Rivers WITHOUT plastic surgery. *shudders*

BLBC: *kisses gross half BB's face* It's not THAT bad...I don't think anything could look as bad as that, besides you're still just as sexy as ever.

*puts hand to just-kissed cheek, blushes* Aww...thanks babe.

Anyways this story took place when I was 6 about a month before my folks got bumped off. You see I used to have a little brother, name was...something (I never even bothered to learn his name)...but he was a total pain in the ass. He was born when I was two and when he was a baby he used to keep me up at night with his infernal crying. Plus mom and dad preferred him to me anyways (who can blame them? I was crazy as hell anyways) but I liked to be alone and have my privacy and his existence prevented that. He used to always rat on me to our parents. "Mama! Mama! Beyond is hurting something!", "Daddy, BB's being mean to me!", "Mama! Daddy! BB pushed a little boy down in the street!". I used to always get caught and in trouble because his tattle telling ass and I had gotten sick of it.

So at the beginning of the month, I found a stray dog and tied him to a tree in the nearby woods. He was hurt and starving which had already made him aggressive. Everyday I would come and hit the dog with a stick, at first he would whimper and cry but then he started to hate me and would try to lash out and bite me. After being starved and beaten for a month he was angry...nearly rabid. It was time. At home I went in my brothers room and asked him to come play with me. He was initially skeptical of my request but he agreed. I took him out to the woods where I kept the dog and then ran off from him yelling catch me if you can. I would only run so far so that way he could see but I was keeping my distance at the same time. I kept leading him like that until I reached the tree where the dog was. I climbed up the young fir across from the tree and got in position. The day before, I had rigged an old ax I found in an abandoned shed in such a way that if I were to pull a carefully placed string it would fall down on the rope that tied the dog to the tree, thus freeing him. I was perched in the tree and saw my brother coming towards us. He first saw me in the tree.

"Ha! I got you Beyond!." he yelled.

I smirked. "No, I got you." I pulled the string. The angry dog rushed on my brother. His agonizing screams pierced the silence of the woods. I watched with glee as the dog mauled my brother to death, devouring him until almost nothing was left. After he finished he started barking up the tree I was in. I pulled out a homemade bow and arrow and shot him right between the eyes. I slide down the tree and put my arm in the dog's mouth and pressed his teeth marks to look like he had bit me. I tore my shirt and cut myself to look like claw marks and rubbed my own blood all over my shirt. I placed the bow, arrow, and what remained of my trap and the rope in a bag with a couple of rocks and threw it in a lake. I ran home my eyes brimming with fake tears and pounded on the door to my house. Mom opened it.

"What happened?" she screamed.

"We were playing mama! And there was a dog, I-I tried to fight him off but he- he was too big and strong..." I lied.

"Where's your brother?" she screamed.

"He's dead mama! I tried so- I tried so hard!"

Needless to say I had gotten away with murder heh heh heh...they found his body and believed my story...just as planned...

Well that was a doozy henh henh henh...I hope you all enjoyed my story...I know I did...

As always read and review!

Gashes and Stab Wounds,

Beyond Birthday