Like Juggling Snowballs through Hell

Everyone was up early the next morning. Harry grinned as he came into the kitchen, seeing three new arrivals.

"Not a word, you specky git," George said, pointing a spatula at him. He was currently stationed at the stove, sporting a fluffy pink apron that Fred swore belonged to Remus.

"I'm not wearing glasses anymore, if you haven't noticed!" Harry said, taking a plate.

"Yeah, yeah…. Just go eat your breakfast."

Harry turned towards the table and noticed that all of the girls (now including Ginny) were staring at him. "What's up with you lot?"

"You…er…you look good," Hermione said.

"Well done," Ginny told Tonks.

"How am I supposed to fight Voldipants with you all ogling me?" Harry whinged as he sat down to eat.

"Everyone calm down," Remus said, refilling their glasses. "We have a long day ahead of us."

"George, Ginny and I are going to stay here and make sure no one comes snooping," Fred explained to Harry. "Ron's at home trying to keep Mum off our trail. She's still convinced that Dumbledore is god's gift to the Wizarding community."

"Wait, you sent Ron to do that?" Hermione asked.

"Better than dealing with him here," Fred said.

"What about your Dad?" Harry asked.

"Dad's starting to have questions about Dumbledore's methods," George said. "Shouldn't be long before he's on your side, Harry."

"Remus," Tonks said. "Did you find out any more about those tracking rituals?"

"We did!" Fred and George said with identical evil grins.

"No," Remus said. "You found an entirely different type of ritual. One that, if I recall correctly, needed a virgin sacrifice."

"Couldn't do it anyway then, mate," Fred said. "I'm not up for killing family members, and Percy and Ginny are the only virgins left in the group."

Ginny snorted into her glass of pumpkin juice, and Tonks started eating at lightning speed.

"Something you need to tell us, Nymphadora?" George asked.

"She can tell you later," Harry said, checking his watch. He made a mental note to ask Tonks for that memory. "We need to get going."

Harry had been polyjuiced to look like Tonks—which is to say, he'd been polyjuiced to change his appearance at random.

"I didn't know it could do this!" he said happily.

Hermione hit him with a thin book. "Stop it, before you get stuck like that."

They made their way to Gringotts and were greeted by Tonks's mother. Griphook let them down to the underground meeting room, which was brilliantly lit by a massive chandelier. In the middle of the oblong table there was a fountain spouting sparkling wine. Harry reached for a glass….

"HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SENSES, BOY?"

"Merciful Morgan le Fey!" Harry yelped, jumping back into Tonks. She caught him, and the result was that she was now cradling him like a large baby. He climbed down and turned to glare at the man who'd shocked him. "Do you have to lurk in corners, Moody?"

"Death Eaters going to come at you in broad daylight, Potter?" Moody growled. "Consider that the start of your training. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" he yelled, making everyone jump again. "What are you thinking—taking an unknown drink before legal documents are read? And when you know that someone's trying to keep you from hearing them as well? You're thicker than the new Ministry approved cauldron bottoms, lad."

"So you're in this as well?"

"Aye. Won't be joining your slumber parties at the safe house, though. I have better things to do…like scratch my balls."

Hermione looked ready to throw up at this particular image.

"Why's Granger here?" Moody asked with a lopsided smile.

"Like I'm going to do anything without the witch who knows everything…." Harry muttered.

"Now that everyone is present," Griphook said.

"STOP!" a voice bellowed.

"Oh, for…." Tonks huffed, standing and raising her wand.

Dumbledore strode into the room and cast a dark look around. "Harry, I must insist that you come with me."

"No," Harry said, calmly putting his feet up on the table.

"Harry," Dumbledore said sternly. "You're not ready for this. I really think—"

"I don't give three Quidditch playing fucks what you think I'm ready for." He stood up and faced the headmaster. "You bound my magic. You've kept me in the dark while putting me in life threatening danger year after year. And now you're trying to keep me from what's mine? You can go…."

The rest of the party, including Griphook, blushed at the colorful description of various body parts of hippogriffs, Minotaurs, and the Giant Squid.

"Leave," Harry told Dumbledore.

"No, Harry. I'm simply looking out for your—" He was unable to finish the sentence, as Harry blasted him out of the room and locked the door using his new-found mind powers.

"My apologies for the interruption, Griphook," he said, dusting off his shirt. "Please, continue."

"Indeed," the goblin said, pulling out a few sheets of parchment. "The last will and testament of one Sirius Orion Black the third. To my dearest cousin, Andromeda Tonks, I leave my Gryffindor banner and childhood diary, in hopes that it will remind her of the time we spent as children rebelling against our family. To my cousin, Nymphadora Tonks, I leave my books on stealth and tracking, knowing that she has learned from experience and will help Harry. To my partner in crime, Remus Lupin, I leave my collection of Muggle porn. I hope he will find it both entertaining and instructive. I also leave my Pensieve and memories to him, and beg him to filter out the naughty bits before Harry finds them." The various items went floating to their owners, all of whom were snickering at Remus's gift. Griphook took a sip of water and cleared his throat. "To my godson, Harry James Potter, I leave the rest of my worldly possessions, including my house, my fortune, and my motorbike if Hagrid hasn't destroyed it."

Harry smiled over at Hermione. Knowing Hagrid, all that was left of the motorbike were probably the handle bars.

"And now, onto the joint will and testament of James and Li—"

There was a loud Bang! as the door burst off its hinges. Dumbledore walked back in, looking angry. He silently took a seat at the end of the table. Every so often, he'd throw a curious look at Harry, who ignored him completely.

"James and Lily Potter," Griphook said through clenched teeth. "To our son, Harry, we leave all of our worldly possessions, including our fortune and our home, Gryffindor Sound."

A set of keys floated over to Harry, and turned into a light that enveloped his wand. It went out after a moment, and he looked over at Dumbledore. "I'm going to ask you one question, and you should know that I value honesty highly."

"Ask your question, Harry," Dumbledore said, calmly.

"You told me my parents' house was destroyed. I believe that was the truth, but it wasn't the whole truth. Was it?"

"I told you what you needed to—"

"Here's my theory," Harry said, standing and pacing. "These keys aren't to some abandoned ruins in Godric's Hollow. I think they're to an actual house that you neglected to tell me about. I think the house at Godric's Hollow was just a safe house while my parents were under…er…protection. Sounding right, Headmaster?" He said the last word in much the same way people say "cockroach" or "crotch lice".

Dumbledore only nodded.

"Thought so," Harry growled. He heard Moody chuckle from the corner. "Anything else, Griphook?"

"One last bit. Your parents also left you a creature. The details aren't here, but its name and caretaker are given. The creature's name is Eire. Its caretaker is one Gumptious R. Finney. You'll find his address here. You're all dismissed."

There was a lot of wand waving as the various recipients sent their things home. During that time, Harry kept his eyes trained on Dumbledore. Finally, once everyone was finished, the old man left and Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

Hermione squeezed his shoulder. "We should probably find this Finney person before Dumbledore tries to take whatever creature Harry just inherited."

"Just what I was thinking, Granger," Moody said with an approving nod.

"Actually, that might not be necessary," Tonks said, throwing an arm around Harry's shoulders. She seemed to have grown a bit, because Harry was now in very close contact with side-boob.

"You…er…know this bloke," he stammered.

"I've only met him once, at our graduation ceremony. He was there to see Charlie Weasley."

"Charlie?"

"Yep. He retired a few years ago, and Charlie took over his business in Romania."

"Wait…that means…."

"Pretty sure your parents left you a dragon."