AUTHOR'S NOTE: J.K Rowling owns all of Harry Potter, much as I wish I was her.

*Trigger Warning: mentions of self-harm, although not quite in the traditional sense.*

*EDITED & RE-POSTED on 10-28-18*

Their fifth year was much the same as the ones that came before it. Hermione and Severus spent all their free time together and tried not to be awkward around each other after the kiss that had happened during their time in Cancun with her parents.

It was inevitable, of course, but most of time things were just the same as they had always been.

The word on her arm was still there but it was smudged and much harder to read.

Hermione was studying in the library when Severus suddenly appeared from nowhere and plunked his heavy bag onto the table.

"Scoot," he growled. Hermione grinned and rolled her eyes as she moved her things; clearly, someone had a bad day.

She said as much.

"You could say that," he almost ripped the textbook that he flung open in front of him and he did tear through his parchment with the first scratch of his quill.

Hermione knew that there was little reasoning with him when he was in one of his moods, so she simply handed him a new piece of parchment which he snatched from her hand with much more force than necessary.

There was only angry, tension-filled silence for upwards of an hour before he slammed his textbook shut and rounded on her, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Panic threatened to choke her. Did he… did he know?

How could he? She was always very careful with her glamour charms and she had even taken to altering her own handwriting so he wouldn't make the connection with his own words. Lily had sworn not to tell and there had been no falling out between them for her to expose her secret…

"I'll take your silence as confirmation," he spat, his eyes hard and burning with fury.

"Severus, what on earth are you talking about?" She feigned ignorance even though her pulse was drumming like hummingbird wings.

"It's James," he snapped. "Your words are fucking Potter's. That arrogant, undeserving prat…"

His quill snapped in his fist and she forced his hand open before he cut himself on the sharp edges on the broken feather, "Severus, I assure you- the words are not James Potter's."

"Then why has he been asking around for you so insistently all day?"

Hermione furrowed her brow, "I haven't the slightest idea. Did he say what he wanted?"

Severus grabbed his bag and thrust his things into it, "Oh, now I'm your owl too? Sod off."

She grabbed the back of his robes just as he began to stalk off towards the exit. He didn't turn around but he did stop. His entire frame was trembling. "Severus," she said softly. "It's not him. I swear."

Something in him seemed to snap and he whirled around, dropping his bag as he dragged her into his arms.

Her arm tingled again.

"Severus…"

He cut her off by kissing her, perhaps a little too hard, but she didn't push him away. She likely never would.

"Not James," he breathed against her mouth. "Not James."

"No," she confirmed. "Not James."

He rested his forehead against hers and sighed, "Not James."

x-x-x

James Potter had, indeed, found her later that evening still studying in the library. He pulled out the chair beside her and plopped into without an ounce of grace.

"What's up, 'Mione?"

She grimaced; the nickname was atrocious and she despised it. The only time she had ever found it tolerable was coming from Severus' drunken lips…

"Just reviewing my notes," she lifted the stack of parchment to show him. "Defense exam tomorrow, remember?"

He rubbed the back of his head and chuckled, "Whoops, guess I forgot."

She rolled her eyes but couldn't help the grin that spread across her face. He was so scatterbrained sometimes, it was endearing.

James shifted on the chair uncomfortably, "I actually came because I need your help."

Of course he did. Hermione set her things aside, "Alright, with what?"

He blushed rather spectacularly before he cleared his throat, "Lily."

She was taken aback, for this certainly was not what she had anticipated, but she smiled anyway, "Does this have anything to do with your words?"

He nodded sheepishly, "Does she… are hers…?"

"Yes."

"What do they say?" He whispered, leaning towards her.

"For a long time, it said Quidditch."

James let out an involuntary laugh before composing himself again, "And now?"

Hermione's eyes were soft, "It says her name."

His perfect smile was so wide, it was a wonder his lip didn't split with the effort, "That's… Hermione, thank you. I can't tell you how much I…"

She waved dismissively, "I know, I know. I'm the best; you wish you could shower me with gifts and praise to show your appreciation."

He laughed so loud and hard at that, Madam Pince came around the stacks and threatened them with detention.

When they were done being thoroughly scolded, James turned back to her, "You'll… you'll talk to her for me, right?"

Merlin have mercy, it was like they were schoolchildren again.

Do you like me? Check yes or no.

It both annoyed and heartened her at the same time.

But he was so earnest as he pleaded with her and his love for her friend was so sincere she couldn't help but nod, even if it was a little reluctantly.

He pulled her into a tight embrace, his voice a little wobbly as he whispered, "Thank you so much, Hermione. She is… she's so… just thank you."

Hermione patted his back, even though she was a little uncomfortable with him displaying affection so blatantly after Severus' misunderstanding only a few hours before, "She's my friend too, and I just want you guys to be happy. Of course I'll talk to her."

Neither of them noticed the pair of flashing emerald eyes that watched them from the back of the library.

x-x-x

Hermione expected perhaps another bottle of Firewhiskey and a night of getting pissed to mark her upcoming seventeenth birthday, but Severus took her by surprise once again. They sat in their field together, Severus in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts and Hermione trying not to get heatstroke in her jean shorts and vest, when he tossed her a square velvet box.

She was frozen in shock, "Severus…?"

He wouldn't look at her but she could see he was blushing furiously. For once, his pale skin almost rivaled the bright color of a tomato, "Just open it. Don't be so dramatic."

She licked the remaining ice cream from her fingers, noticing that he was watching her quite studiously from the corner of his eye as she did so, before grabbing the box and slowly lifting the lid. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw what was inside.

A necklace.

An opal and two moonstone necklace.

An opal and two moonstone necklace with a mithril chain that glittered like diamonds in the sunlight.

When she managed to bring herself back to reality and she looked up at him, she saw that Severus was watching her warily.

His voice was quiet, "If you don't like it, I can…"

Hermione launched herself at him, peppering his face with kisses which were punctuated with her breathless words, "I…fucking…love…it…you…moron…"

She was so distracted that she didn't notice her arm burning more insistently.

When she was done assaulting his face, he gave her a sheepish smile and took the necklace from her, motioning for her to turn so he could put it around her neck, "It was my mum's," he admitted softly. "She told me I would know who to give it to."

Hermione gripped the large opal and two moonstone pendant tightly, "Thank you, Severus. I… I…"

He kissed her gently, his lips quirked up slightly in a goofy smile, "Happy birthday, Hermione."

x-x-x

"No. No fucking way. No. Not gonna happen, Hermione. No."

Hermione dangled the keys to her father's blue Corvette on her fingers, "Severus Snape, scared?" She feigned a dramatic gasp, clutching her chest. "I never thought I'd see the day!"

He scowled at her, crossing his arms across his slender chest, "I am not scared. I just don't trust you with my life in that muggle death contraption!"

"Oh come on," she rolled her eyes. "Where's your sense of fun and adventure?"

His eyes flicked from the keys on the ring to the shiny blue car a few times before he sighed in resignation, "If you kill me, I'm going come back as a ghost and haunt the fuck out of you. You know that, right?"

"Yes!" Hermione pumped her fist into the air in victory and darted to the driver's side of the car, "Come on!"

He climbed into the passenger seat like the car was going to devour him whole. Hermione smirked as he surveyed the inside of the pristine 1973 Corvette with reticence and, yes, fear. She reached across him to grab his seatbelt, brushing his arm with her breasts, and he shivered minutely as she clicked it into place.

She pressed a quick kiss to his sharp cheekbone before starting the car. He visibly jumped as the car roared to life.

Hermione suppressed a very large, very amused grin, "Where to, my good sir?"

He scowled, "How the bloody fuck am I supposed to know?"

"To the coast then?"

His eyes widened like saucers with terror, "Hermione, that's at least… what, a few hours? More?"

She chuckled lightly, "Never fear, Severus. I'm just kidding. Dad only gave me permission for a few hours; we don't have enough time for that today."

"Today…? You mean you intend to abscond with me to the coast in this godawful thing at some point? Merlin, save me."

Hermione smiled as she hit the gas with her foot and the car took off. She probably should have started slow, to prepare him for the unfamiliar feel of travelling by car, but it really was just too adorable the way his long, slender hands gripped the seat as if it could ground him.

Her heart swelled as the wind whipped their hair around their heads and pressed her necklace into her the dip of her throat.

She was in so deep for him.

There was no denying it anymore.

x-x-x

Immediately upon returning for their sixth year, Hermione knew something was wrong.

Though they were still sharing a dormitory, room assignments could not be changed after all, Lily was not speaking to her.

In fact, she would not even look at her.

How the ruddy hell was she supposed to talk to her about James if she wouldn't speak to her?

For the first few weeks, Hermione tried to ignore the feeling that was building in her chest. There was a constant thrum of anxiety and she didn't know why; she just couldn't put her finger on it. There was something… something gnawing at the back of her mind, screaming at her to look, really look, and she intended to. She intended to quietly observe Lily tonight to determine just what she was missing.

But then she caught sight of the skin of her left forearm, which she had cleared of the glamour in preparation for bed.

And collapsed to the floor at the front of her trunk, tears stinging her eyes.

After years of 'Lily' being scrawled across her arm in that spiky script, the word had finally, mercifully changed.

Eight beautiful letters stared back at her: Hermione.

Severus' heart, his deepest desire, had changed.

How long had that been there? She desperately tried to remember when it had changed. She cast the glamour almost as second nature now, so much so that she didn't even remember the last time she did it consciously. Hermione thought hard, digging at her memory for any type of sign…

Then it hit her.

Her birthday, when he had given her the necklace.

It had changed on her birthday.

Hermione cast a quick Tempus charm to find that it was only 9:00. Curfew wasn't for another hour. If she was quick, maybe she could still catch Severus in the library. She had left him only an hour ago, determined to relax in a hot bath before bed, but all thoughts of that comfort were gone. Only one thought dominated her mind now.

She had to tell him.

Hermione jumped into her shoes and ran down the stairs, through the Common Room and the portrait hole without stopping. She had to find him. She had to tell him. He needed to know.

He needed to know just how much she loved him.

He needed to know that it was okay for them to be together because they were meant to be, they were destined to be.

He needed to know that she wore his words. That she always had.

Hermione pushed past some bumbling Hufflepuffs before she burst into the library a little more dramatically than she'd intended. There was a sharp stitch in her side from running so vigorously and she couldn't help but rest her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath. Madam Pince looked like she wanted to scold her but Hermione took off down the stacks, searching through each and every one for the tables at the ends, where she knew he must still be.

Where he had to be.

Her arm tingled and burned a little but she ignored it. What did it matter now? His heart had chosen her and she was so elated, so deliriously happy that nothing could stop her. Nothing could keep her from him anymore.

Hermione turned down the very last row of shelves where she knew there was a final, hidden table that almost no one bothered to use. It was so far away from all relevant study material that even she and Severus did not usually sit there; it was simply too inconvenient. She rounded the corner but halted as she took in the scene before her.

Severus was indeed sitting at the secluded little table… but he wasn't alone.

Lily sat on his right side, indecently close, with her hand resting on his bony shoulder.

Hermione saw red.

She intended to break up this… this… whatever this was, for he was her soulmate and how dare her friend touch her soulmate, but Lily's green eyes flickered to hers.

It all happened very quickly then.

Lily whispered something to him and his ears, which were visible due to his hair being pushed behind them—and since when did he ever do that—went flaming pink. He turned his face towards her, as if to respond, and Lily captured his mouth, his perfect, decadent mouth, in a fierce kiss. Hermione felt as though she had been punched; she couldn't breathe.

Once the kiss had ended, Lily tossed her fiery hair over her shoulder and gave Hermione a smug look.

A smug look of victory.

The comb that Severus had given her for Christmas in their second year was tucked elegantly into the left side of her hair.

Though she didn't want to, Hermione forced herself to look down at her arm. Her name was still there, but it was harder to read now that Lily's name lay directly on top of it.

She had thought, over the years as his best friend, that she had known heartbreak. She thought she had known how it felt; after all, she had watched him moon over the other girl for years. She answered his questions about her and delivered his gifts to her and entertained his fantasies of her. She had been his friend while he had been in love with someone else, all the while with his soulmate words written on her skin—mocking her, taunting her with something she could never have.

But she had thought that was all over.

Her hand came up to his mum's necklace that was almost bouncing against her skin as her breathing rapidly increased. Her vision blurred with tears as she backed away from the secluded corner.

Severus hadn't noticed her there.

Lily was still smirking at her, her hand firmly on his shoulder. As if it belonged there.

Hermione dropped her bag, turned on her heel, and ran.

She had a vague recollection of knocking someone's stack of books over and Madam Pince yelling threats of detentions after her. But it didn't matter. She just knew she had to get away. She had to run. She couldn't stop.

Never, never, never stop.

She had to get away.

Far, far, away.

Hermione burst through the large front doors of Hogwarts and kept sprinting, as fast as she possibly could, desperate to get as far from the castle as she could before someone inevitably stopped her. She didn't stop, she didn't look back. She didn't want to see the golden glow coming from the windows of the library directly above the front doors. She didn't want to think of them together.

It hurt too much. She wasn't meant for this, wasn't strong enough for this.

She couldn't. She couldn't go back to the way things had been: being his sidekick, his buddy, his friend as she was forced to watch him pine after someone else. Someone who far outshined her.

She could not fucking do it. Not after she had finally thought...

Hermione stumbled a little as her feet tried to find purchase on the cobblestones of the main road through Hogsmeade but she didn't stop. As soon as she felt herself break through the wards of Hogwarts, she Apparated with no care if she Splinched herself or not. It didn't fucking matter. Maybe she would get lucky and it would Splinch her left arm.

She appeared before the maroon door of Slug & Jiggers Apothecary and stumbled through the door. The shop owner looked surprised at her violent entry but was clearly trying to maintain his manners and decorum.

"Welcome to Slug & Jiggers Apothecary. How can I help you, my dear?"

Hermione was trembling, tear tracks drying on her cheeks. She didn't want to know if he had chosen Lily anymore. She didn't want those fucking words mocking her anymore. She didn't want to know any of it anymore.

"Do you have anything to dissolve a magical tattoo?"

His eyes narrowed in suspicion, "What kind of magical tattoo?"

She thrust her arm at him and he recoiled.

"Young lady," his voice was harsh. "You cannot dissolve a soulmate tattoo. I am certain you know that already. Why on earth would you ask for such blasphemy?"

She began to cry again, "Please, there must be something you can do. There must be something to get rid of it!"

The old man's face softened at her distress, "I know that love can be painful, my girl. But Fate is often a mysterious one. It's wise not to question her too much. She always comes through in the end, even if there are trials to get there."

Hermione could not stop the sobs wracking from her chest as she left the apothecary. She could see in his eyes that he knew she was a student. She was still in her uniform for Merlin's sake. There was no doubt that he would alert the Headmaster and professors would be swarming the area to retrieve her soon enough.

She had suffered enough humiliations this night to endure that particular one.

With a sharp CRACK! Hermione Apparated back to Hogsmeade and took off for the castle again. She just reached the stone steps leading to the monstrous front doors when she stopped and looked up.

The library.

She didn't want this anymore. The burden of knowledge was finally too much. She loved him, she had since they were just kids, but he kept choosing someone else. They were supposedly destined for each other, they wore each other's fucking soulmate words, and it still wasn't enough.

Hermione couldn't imagine spending the rest of her life knowing that he would always, always choose her friend. That she would never be good enough for the one Fate deemed her destined for.

She couldn't look at those fucking words anymore; they would just keep tearing her apart.

If an apothecary wouldn't provide her a suitable method, then she would simply do it herself.

Hermione took out her wand and slashed in angry arcs across her arm, over and over, until the skin was so bloody and mutilated that she couldn't read what had been there. Even then, she kept going- deeper and deeper into the wound. Those words felt like a parasite. A disease. An abomination. And it needed to be removed before it infected her further.

They were not the blessing she initially thought, but a curse.

She was cursed with his words on her skin.

She cried harder, not with the pain of her wand slashing across the sensitive flesh, but the pain of essentially cutting him out. But she had to. It had to be done.

The doors burst open and Professor McGonagall came rushing down the front steps, halting only when she caught sight of Hermione.

"Sweet Merlin, have mercy," the old witch gasped, coming to snatch her wand from her trembling hands. "Miss Granger, what have you done to yourself?!"

The tears never ceased, not even as her body, her magic, her soul protested the sinful, blasphemous crime she had committed. Her vision swam and she stumbled forward, crying out in pain when her disfigured arm came in contact with her professor's robes.

Professor McGonagall was already lifting her into her arms and carrying her back into the castle but Hermione's vision was growing dim. Her professor's voice was gentle and sad above her, "You cannot remove a soulmate tattoo, Miss Granger. You know that. Why would you do this to yourself when you knew it wouldn't matter?"

"It hurts so much," Hermione whimpered, tears sliding back from her temples into her hair. "I hate them. I never wanted to see them again."

McGonagall's gentle voice broke, "Then glamour them, you silly girl! For Heaven's sake, cover them in any way you see fit other than that."

Hermione was surprised that she could not hear any of her peers muttering around her. Had they all gone to bed? How late was it? How long had she been gone?

It didn't matter.

A sense of peace washed over her. She had cut the words out, hadn't she? Yes, she thought. Yes, she must have.

x-x-x

The next time consciousness deemed it appropriate to show up, she was just too tired to open her eyes. Her mouth tasted like dung; they must have dosed her with quite a few different potions for it to taste like that.

She could hear Madam Pomfrey bustling about and muttering in a low, hushed voice with someone else- which upon reply, she identified as Professor McGonagall.

Then, the voice she had been dreading.

"What happened?" He gasped, his breathing harsh as he came bursting into the Hospital Wing. "What the hell…" There was nothing but the sound of footsteps on stone for a moment. "What happened to her arm?"

There was no answer.

Severus voice was filled with fury, "What happened to her fucking arm?!"

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat lightly, "She… she attempted to cut out her soulmate tattoo."

His response was like ice, "Why?"

Her professor hesitated, "Mr. Snape, I assure you she will be just fine. If you will allow Madam Pomfrey to finish up, you could speak to—"

"Why did she try to cut it out?" He snapped, his words like a whip against her skin. They just made the pain worse. "Did he… did he hurt her?"

There was another uncomfortable silence.

"We are not entirely sure."

She could feel Madam Pomfrey smoothing a potion into her mutilated skin, could feel the wave of her wand as she healed the ragged, torn edges with magic. The mediwitch paused, "I think… I think I can heal it so that it will not even scar. She didn't get too far deep for it to be irreparable."

Hermione wanted to fight. She didn't want her to heal her arm.

She wanted it to scar so that she would never see the words again.

But she was drugged too heavily to even twitch, so on the mediwitch continued.

"Yes," she said slowly as she rubbed something warm and tingly into her arm. "I think… I think I can see the words coming back. Professor, please hand me that cloth in the basin so I can wash the blood away. Don't want to disturb the healing with too much magic, after all."

No. No. He would see and then he would know.

He would know her secret. He would know.

A few moments later she felt a warm cloth against her skin, followed by another long, uncomfortable silence.

"It would seem…" Professor McGonagall began. "That he is quite indecisive."

She heard Severus shuffle forward before he gasped. His hands clenched her bedsheets, "Oh… sweet Merlin…"

"What is it, Mr. Snape? Do you recognize the handwriting?"

He swallowed so loud she actually heard it. When he spoke again, his voice was… unlike anything she had ever heard from him. The last time she heard anything even close was three summers ago, when he had come running to her house after a particularly nasty beating from his drunken muggle father.

"That's… that's my handwriting," he whispered in horror, his words sounding choked in his throat.

Professor McGonagall sighed, "Try not to be too hard on yourself, Mr. Snape. I assure you, this is not the first time someone has attempted to remove their tattoo. You were not the first to experience… indecision."

A sound, something between a whimper and sob, escaped from his throat, "I didn't know… I never knew she…"

Mercifully, the potions claimed her back into unconsciousness before she could hear any more.