Dearest Readers: The summer months have hit us-what a perfect time to sit & read! I have been playing with the chapter for a while. At one point I moved it back-like WAY back-in the story, but somehow it always ended up here. For those struggling with the pacing of this story let me say this: How long was Edward able to stay away from Bella? She arrived sometime in January, E left for a week & the next week the accident happened. So in less than 2 weeks Edward already attracted to her-enough so that he would risk exposing his family to save her life. Yes, he did spend the next month completely ignoring her, but that doesn't really apply here. Edward can not ignore someone who lives in the same house as him. Being around Bella 24 is compounding the situation. Now, that said, they are NOT going to make-out in the next chapter. Sorry to those who want that, but I am going to try and give reasonable foundation to their love. I will stop rambling now & let you read. Enjoy!
Chapter 4: Midnight Confessions of a Monster
I silently paced my ten foot by twelve and a half foot room like a stalking beast. Above my head, Bella was in her bed tossing restlessly. Her inability to sleep soundly tonight was slowly wearing away my sanity. I was hungry. But I couldn't leave the house until I was sure everyone was fast asleep. What if I left and someone came to check on me? I didn't truly believe either Bella or the Chief were particularly concerned with how I was 'sleeping' at night, but still, I felt I needed to stay.
There was a frustrated sigh from above. Bed springs creaked and then two feet gently touched down on the hardwood floors. Three steps later I knew exactly who was up—Bella. Her footsteps were muffled and timid and sounded nothing like the heavy lumbering of the Chief. Does she have to use the restroom again? I glanced over at the clock, it was 2:19 in the morning, and she had just used the bathroom two hours ago. Human bladders aren't that small.
I froze in mid-step as the top stair creaked. Bella was coming down stairs. I panicked slightly and dove into bed, throwing the covers over myself and squeezing my eyes shut. It was a bit overdramatic and I shook my head at my own foolishness. Bella's only on the third step you twit. I lectured myself. And what makes you think she's coming down to see you anyway? The question had no logical answer, but part of me had hopes. Hoping a human girl is coming to visit in the middle of the night? I quickly extinguished all such hopes—they were completely inappropriate and irrational.
Bella had made it down the stairs. Her hand gently brushed along the wall as she walked. Probably headed to the kitchen for a glass of water or 'midnight snack'. But Bella passed the kitchen. The floorboards directly in front of my bedroom door moaned slightly as her feet settled. I stopped breathing. What is Bella doing outside my door? There was a soft sound on my door as if Bella had placed her hands on it. My muscles tensed in preparation and my senses opened up further. Other than the soft snoring of the Chief, the house was eerily silent.
Suddenly, I couldn't take it; my already worn nerves could not handle any suspense. I rose from bed and was at the door, pulling it open. Bella gasped and jumped back slightly. Stupid, Edward! She couldn't have heard you—now you've scared her half to death!
"Oh, Edward." Bella's eyes were wide and her heart pounded furiously in her chest. "I was… I was just headed to the kitchen. I guess I…"
Bella stopped mid sentence as she finally looked me over. I wasn't too sure what she could see in the dim light of the hallway nightlight. I could perfectly see each hair of her rumpled bed head. It honestly wasn't a bad look for her.
"You sleep in jeans?" She finally asked.
I was still wearing the clothes from the previous day. Fantastic, Edward, how are you going to get out of this one?
"I guess I fell asleep before I could change out of them." I quickly lied.
Bella chewed on her lip and an uneasy silence feel between us. You could feel the lies hang between us, but the discomfort of the lies was easier than demanding the truth. Least, that is what I told myself.
"I'm going to, ah, use the restroom." I was fearful that the longer I stood there the greater the chance that Bella would call me out. I didn't want to lie to her, but what was I to say? 'I didn't change my clothes because I was waiting till you feel asleep so that I could sneak out of the house and kill something?' Or how about: I don't need to change into pajamas—I don't sleep. No. I made a hasty retreat up to the bathroom where I sat for 2 minutes and three seconds—I know, I counted—before flushing the toilet and washing my hands.
With that excuse used, I slowly walked back down the stairs. A light was on in the kitchen, the door propped open a bit. I ignored the pull that the kitchen held and returned to my bed. My phone buzzed in my back pocket.
Don't be rude. Change into the PAJAMAS that I bought for you (don't you remember me telling you to use them) and go talk to her. Obviously something is bothering Bella.
I dismissed Alice's text. She doesn't understand the situation. I no sooner thought that thought than my phone buzzed again.
She won't fall asleep if you don't talk to her. Meaning, you won't get to hunt tonight UNLESS you go.
I growled in frustration and hit reply: I thought this was an emergency phone. I hit send only to find a new text already waiting.
Who says it won't be an emergency if you don't eat? Just get your butt in there.
Stupid, meddling physic, I grumbled as I changed into appropriate sleeping attire. I walked in the kitchen to see Bella sitting on the counter with a spoon in her mouth. An open carton of ice cream sat in her lap. She reached over and pulled another spoon from the drying rack.
"Chocolate Malted Crunch?" She asked, holding the spoon out to me. If I hadn't seen that name on the ice cream container, I wouldn't have understood her offer.
"No thanks." Silence set for a moment before I forced my feet to walk. Do something a human would do—you did come in here, don't stand there like a moron! I walked over to the refrigerator and pulled the door open. After staring at the contents for exactly forty-seven seconds I closed the door and turned to Bella.
"I hope I didn't wake you." She spoke so softly I was sure no human would have heard her.
"It's alright—I don't usually sleep well." I ran my hand through my hair and scratched at the back of my head. Alice had made it clear that I needed to talk to Bella, yet I had no idea what to talk to her about. I finally decided to start with the obvious, "Why are you up?"
Bella shrugged and dug further into the carton. "Just couldn't get comfortable."
Her reluctance told me one thing: getting to the bottom of this would take a while. So I settled in one of the kitchen chairs and propped my feet up.
"Is there something on your mind?" I probed.
Bella looked up at me with her big brown eyes and could almost feel the sadness radiating from them. I was momentarily distracted as she took another bite. The way her lips closed around the spoon almost made the ice cream appetizing—almost. Eventually her eyes wandered from mine, her forehead scrunched in thought.
Will you just spit it out? I shouted in my head. Trying to relax myself again, I took a deep breath. It didn't help—Bella's still damp hair amplified her appealing scent and made my throat roar out in pain. I needed to hunt. Which meant I needed to get this conversation over with.
"Why was the state so desperate to separate you from your family?" I cringed at her question and Bella quickly back peddled. "Sorry that didn't come out right. Ah, did… is there…"
I saved her the grief of trying to find a nice way to ask what was obviously on her mind. "My father was successful in his investments, too successful in the government's mind, so the IRS started an investigation. When they couldn't find anything wrong with Carlisle's business they dove into the family documents and found that my adoption papers were missing. Carlisle and Esme had filed them years ago, but somewhere in the process the State seems to have misplaced them."
"What does your adoption have to do with the IRS?"
"Nothing." I tried to soften my tone, but my anger was flaring again. "But my missing papers was the only kink in Carlisle's life that they could find. They claimed Carlisle and the current state of the household, thanks to the stupid investigation, to be 'an unhealthy environment to raise a child' and so they graciously removed me from the situation."
"That's ridiculous!" Bella put her ice cream down with a loud thud. The fire lit her eyes once again. "That's the stupidest thing I've heard. Do they really believe your Dad is dangerous?"
He is designed to kill. I instantly regretted that thought. Carlisle had never killed; all he did was strengthen and heal the living. "No, Carlisle would never hurt a soul."
"Exactly! You're not dangerous, so why separate you from your family?"
My ears picked up Bella's misspoken words. "You don't think I'm dangerous?" I stared openly into Bella's eyes, allowing a sinister smile to creep across my face. She shivered under my stare and her heart picked up speed. Yes child, you should be frightened.
"No." That single word was spoken with such assurance; it boggled my mind. "Misunderstood—maybe, but not dangerous."
Unacceptable! Bella—you must understand the danger you are in! I jumped to my feet and appeared inches from Bella's face. Because she sat on the countertop, I could not loom over her, so I threw my arms on either side of her small body giving her no way of escape. Her spoon clattered to the sink.
"You know nothing about me." I practically growled at her.
Bella's blood raced out of control, her breath was coming in increasingly faster and shallower gasps. The monster within me was thrashing to be released completely; it reveled in the fact that I had scared Bella. Her fear filled my silent heart with shame.
I couldn't look at Bella for a second more. Staring at her fear-filled eyes made me feel like a monster. At least now she sees the reality of the situation. Now that she's seen the monster within me, she should stay away. I pushed away from the counter and fled the scene, slamming the door to my room and then throwing open the window.
Let them send out the search team—they'll never find me!
And without a second thought I ran deep into the forest.
Running freed the beast. Instincts easily overtook my mind and I submitted to my most primitive desire—thirst. I tracked and killed four deer before a human thought entered my mind. Once my thirst was thoroughly sated I was no longer distracted and the guilt welled up like never before.
My head replayed the scene of Bella's fear again and again. The frantic beating of her heart and the tiny gasps of her breath accompanied the mental pictures.
I truly am a monster.
Buzz! Buzz! I growled at the phone that rested in my pocket. Pulling it from my pocket, I contemplated throwing it as hard and as far as I could. Buzz! Buzz! It seemed to understand the peril it was in as it vibrated in fear.
After the thirty-fifth buzz I answered the phone, "Leave me alone." I told whoever was on the line.
"Fine, if you don't want my insight then have fun wallowing in self-hate." Alice paused for a minute. "At least Bella knows you really are a jerk now."
"Alice." I growled at her but the line went dead. My anger peeked again and I cocked back my arm to throw the phone. But it vibrated again and I could resist the opportunity to vent some of my anger on Alice. She's the reason I'm here in the first place—I would have never gone to talk to Bella. None of this would have happened if Alice hadn't insisted.
"You do realize that this is completely your fault!" I started talking into the phone, allowing my voice to seep with all my rage.
"Yes, I do. I fully comprehend how my actions have torn apart this family. But I don't believe you know how sorry I am for the situation I have unintentionally placed you in." Carlisle took a breath. "Edward, we all feel wretched about this, but it is truly all my fault. I am sorry son."
Carlisle's voice wavered slightly with his last words. All the anger escaped with my breath and was replaced with a new guilt. "Carlisle, I didn't… that was deplorable thing for me to say. I apologize. I actually thought it was Alice calling me."
"And why do you feel the need to blame your sister?" Carlisle's voice was quickly taking on a lecturing tone, "You know Alice didn't see these events coming. Her vision is far from perfect and we cannot expect her to predict everything that is to happen to us."
I sighed, completely frustrated with myself. Thankfully, Carlisle saved me from having to explain the situation. "Perhaps you were referring to the present situation, a fall out with your Foster sister?"
Of course Alice has blabbed to the entire family. I could picture the meeting of Alice telling of my latest failure. Esme and Carlisle would hang their heads in shame, Jasper would be thankful that I had taken his place as 'weakest around humans', Rosalie would wonder why anyone actually bothered—I was a lost cause in her mind—and Emmett would probably find the situation funny.
"Alice is very concerned about you, Edward. She tracked me down almost 100 miles after she saw the last vision. I haven't seen her troubled like this." Carlisle chuckled briefly, "She also made me miss out on a delicious meal of caribou, but once this issue is resolved I'm sure I could find them again."
I realized that there hadn't been a 'meeting of Edward's failings'. Once again, I had jumped to a hasty conclusion. Just add it to the list—Damn Edward, can you do anything right today? Alice was probably just as ashamed of my actions as I was. I tried to apologize again, but Carlisle wouldn't hear of it. He wanted to hear the entire story. I told him every detail of the last 24 hours, going over Bella's appealing scent and revealing that I could not hear her thoughts.
"You can't hear anything she thinks?" Carlisle asked with disbelief.
"Not one word." I spat out in frustration, "I've tried."
"Fascinating."
I didn't find the situation fascinating in the least—it was completely irritating. Carlisle pondered on Bella's silent mind for a few minutes before he dove into the mess I was currently in. He was successful in calming some of nerves, but the pictures of Bella's frightened face still flashed in my mind. I really am a monster—only a monster would cause such an innocent girl to cower in fear.
"Well Edward, Alice says that Bella hasn't called the police or even awoken her father. At one point she contemplated trying to follow you, but thankfully she didn't try that."
"Why would she try to follow me?" It was, once again, an action I would have never predicted.
"Alice believes she feels guilty."
"That's ridiculous."
I could hear the smile in Carlisle's voice as he spoke again. "Bella appears to be quite the conundrum. But let's focus on getting you home with the fewest problems."
"I think he should just walk home." I heard Alice suggest in the background. A moment (and vision) later she spoke with confidence. "Yes, Bella has fallen asleep—Edward can reenter the house however he likes and she won't wake."
"And what about tomorrow?" I asked, "Just pretend like it never happened?"
"Perhaps Bella won't want to talk about it either. Humans are good are repressing negative memories. But Edward," Carlisle's voice took on an authoritative edge, "you need to take extra precautions around Bella. You don't know what she is thinking; you must listen to the minds around her and make sure she doesn't tell anyone of your slip. My investigation with the IRS has already placed our family in the spotlight, we can't afford to stand out any more… the Volturi…"
"I know." I cleared my throat, "I will do nothing to draw attention to our coven."
"I am confident in you, son. Now, run back home and stay out off trouble."
Alice giggled in the background. "It's hard when trouble is spelled B-E-L-L-A."
Carlisle ignored the comment and bid me a good night. I gently closed the phone and pondered Alice's last comment. I didn't know what my sister meant, but I came to one conclusion quickly: Bella was trouble. The draw of her blood and my curiosity of her silent mind were a dangerous combination. I needed to just stay away. Somehow I knew that would be more difficult than I ever imagined.
I arrived at the Swan residence and was greeted by the snoring of the Chief and the soft, steady rhythm of Bella's breathing. The window to my room was still open. I dove through the opening, somersaulting once before landing silently on my feet. Instantly I was assaulted by Bella's scent. What in the world! There, curled up on the floor beneath the window was Bella. I retreated to the back corner, outraged and frightened that she had invaded my personal space.
"Edward, come back." She spoke softly. Her voice sounded off—something wasn't right.
Great! Now I have to explain running away and jumping through a window doing wild acrobatics. Damn it, could this night get any worse?
"Please, come back." Bella let out a shaky breath as her body shivered. "Onyx hates me. Bring back topaz. Lovely…rich, honey topaz."
"Bella?" I asked taking a step forward. She mumbled and shifted slightly. Her lids fluttered and her breathing took on a heavier rhythm. She's asleep! I couldn't help but laugh. I knew of sleep talking, but had never encountered it before. Onyx and topaz? My mind worked over the possibilities and came up with nothing. What odd dream is Bella having?
I approached her cautiously, as I didn't want to wake her, and squatted down to be at her level. I waited in anticipation of her next words—it was odd, but I was so curious. A smile rose across my face as Bella spoke again.
"It's too green." She muttered softly and I chuckled lightly.
Bella stirred again and pulled her arm to support her head. Surely she isn't comfortable lying on the floor like that. She shivered again and I realized the room's temperature was probably too cool to be comfortable. And there is still the issue of Bella sleeping in my bedroom. I didn't want to know how Chief Swan would react to such a thing—no need for him to test if I was bullet proof or not.
My mind debated and argued for several moments before I finally took action. Careful to hold her far from my cold, hard body, I lift Bella in my arms.
"Bad… no growling." Bella mumbled in her sleep, speaking as if she were scolding a disobedient dog. I bit the side of my mouth to hold in the laugh that was threatening to escape. Let's get this over with. In a flash of movement I was upstairs and standing next to Bella's bed. Gently, as if I were holding glass, I laid Bella in her bed and slid my arms out from under her. In an amazingly fast movement, Bella rolled towards me and grasped my shirt in her fists.
"NEVER again. PROMISE!" Bella's words were full of hurt and anger. She clung to my shirt like a lifeline.
"I… I promise." I whispered softly. I will never do anything to scare or hurt you again. With a soft sigh, she released my shirt, sank into her pillow and drifted into a deeper sleep. Still contemplating the gravity of my promise, I crept down the stairs to my room.
I really do love this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it too. Tell me what you think, just click the little button and type away. I LOVE reviews, please leave me one!