Difficult

"People die, but real love is forever."

-Evanescence, Even in Death

Chapter 4: Stars

Tracey sat heavily on a stone bench in the gardens, sighing. She didn't know what was wrong with her. This was a very odd year, Harry Potter and Triwizarding tournament aside. Between the nightmares she was having and Mad-Eye looking at her like she was a ticking time-bomb, she felt exhausted.

She looked down and played with the voluminous skirts of the black dress-robes she wore. Though they were plain, she had liked them. They were off the shoulder; from two inches below her collar bone, down to her hips, they were tight like a corset. What she liked most of them, was the fact that her mother hated them.

However, that was far from her mind at the moment. Instead, she found herself thinking about what had happened fifteen minutes ago. She had been talking and laughing, shocking as that was to her, with Blaize Zabini of all people when they stopped suddenly in the Entrance Hall. She couldn't even recall why they stopped, but suddenly she was looking at something above them and was shocked to see mistletoe.

She had barely turned to look at Blaise when suddenly she felt his lips on her. It was just a brush, but she felt a small spark course through her as his lip met with hers. He pulled away as she felt a blush crawling up her neck and cheeks. He smiled at her shocked expression, before he leant in again and planted a kiss that was less chaste than the first. This was so disconcerting to her that she hadn't known what to think or do, and not a thought of stopping him crossed her mind.

She wasn't sure why, but the nervous knots that had come from the first kiss, got worse. She felt all her skin prickle pleasantly. As his soft lips moved against her own slowly, she felt like her entire body was wakening. It was unlike anything she had ever felt before, and it made her heart thunder in her chest. It was painful and exquisite and she wanted more.

The fog that had come over her mind made her forget who she was. She was all nerve endings which lit on fire at his touch. There were his hands, lightly grazing on her hips, his fingertips slowly traveling to meet each other at the small of her back. Those were her skirts, pressing against her legs and pelvis as his body stepped closer to her. That was the feel of his arms under her fingertips. That was his tongue grazing the seam of her lip.

Tracey came too, slowly. She shook her head a bit, trying to clear the fog. She felt as though she was under a spell that seemed to have more power over her than the Imperius Curse ever did. She felt powerless to pull away and a part of her, she hated to admit, didn't want to.

However, she did. Her mind caught up with her as Blaise pressed his tongue into her mouth. For a moment, she found herself flicking the tip of her tongue against his, before shoving it back into his mouth and playing with it there. She smiled into the kiss, happy to having pushed him into submission and when she heard him moan, she stopped and pushed him away.

For a moment, she saw his look go from dazed to confused. She stared at him, trying to catch her breath and screaming in her head what the hell she was doing. She was behaving like any other stupid girl or hormonal teenager.

After that, she had merely wished Blaise a goodnight before walking, nearly running away. She'd exited the castle, and started roaming around the gardens, fuming at herself as she heard the students making out in the rose bushes. She felt ashamed that she could be in any way like them.

To say the least, it was a very odd year and tonight seemed to top it off. She had spent most the night, talking to Blaise Zabini who like herself had decided to attend the Yule Ball stag. Shockingly, she found him pleasant company. He wasn't one for talking much, and she rather liked that. And when he did open his mouth, it wasn't to say the same stupid things that seemed to come out of every other Slytherin's mouth.

Tracey had been an idiot. She wasn't sure how all that even happened. She decided to chalk it all up to how tired she was. She hadn't slept properly for weeks. She was having nightmares almost every other night. Bizarre ones that seemed to revolve around the Dark Lord, Death Eaters and a monster pursuing her.

Well not a monster. She wasn't quite sure what it was because all she could see was its shadow, which was nothing more than a big, vague figure that never seemed far behind her.

When she awoke most nights still panicking. She was afraid still, panting and soaked in her own sweat in bed. She'd even looked around, because she'd feel deep down that her life was in danger, only to find it was all in her mind. Like some fevered delusion and she'd have to calm her wildly beating heart.

Tracey sighed loudly and felt her shoulders sag. She felt so damn tired that she lifted her legs onto the stone bench she sat on and adjusted her skirts before carefully leaning on her side and laying down. The the bench pressed hard against her bones and her dress robes were a bit constricting on her chest, but she didn't care. She wanted to close her eyes and for at least just a moment forget everything. Forget where she was, forget who she was, forget Blaise and this stupid castle and her whole life with it.

Shutting her eyes, she tried desperately to silence every voice in her head. However, as her eyes shut, all she could see was Blaise. Although Draco and Pansy did everything in their power to be the center of attention, Tracey had noted Blaise before. Perhaps she hadn't ever paid him great mind, just as she didn't anyone else, but... there was something about Blaise.

She was certain, that she had never seen him smile, at anything. Nothing ever seemed to impress him. He wasn't exactly a quiet boy, but he didn't run his mouth off. He had a smug superiority about him that frankly, wasn't refreshing as that seemed to be a common aspect of Slytherins. Even Tracey knew herself to be a bit haughty on the occasion.

However, Blaise was different from the others. Tracey was never able to quite put a finger on it, but she had a sense that something about him, deeply resonated with something inside herself. Like there was something that made them the same, something that set them apart from the other Slytherins in their year.

It wasn't just that he was... well beautiful as there was no better word for it. Draco, as much of an insufferable, spoiled, prat that he was, was very handsome himself. But Blaise seemed to carry it with more dignity. He knew he was good-looking with his high cheekbones and fine features and slanty eyes, but he didn't make an unbearable case of it. He gave himself his privileged airs for it, but not in any outspoken or attention-seeking manner. For instance it was like he strutted around, grinning like an idiot about it.

Her minds eye, as hers remained peacefully shut, studied Blaise's image there. He was certainly quite the specimen to behold. He was the epitome of tall, dark and handsome. His skin, was impeccable, completely unblemished and soft. It seemed to carry warmth in it that she felt spread through her as his lips grazed hers.

Unknowingly Tracey captured her bottom lip between her teeth and whimpered in want. The sound seemed to rouse her and she shut her eyes tight and groaned. She didn't want to think about that. For the trillionth time that night, she wondered what the hell was wrong with her.

Closing her eyes, she turned so that her whole weight was not leaning on her shoulder, which was starting to pretest loudly at the harsh treatment of the rough stone that supported it. She settled to rest with her limbs twisted. While her legs to her hips were resting on her right side, she had turned her torso so that her shoulders were partially laying on the stone with her head turned up.

Opening her eyes slowly, she looked up and found that despite the fairy lights of the rose-bushes around her, that she could vaguely see the stars. For a moment her lips parted in a silent gasp; partly from surprise, partly from amazement.

She'd thought from taking Astronomy and not giving a shit about the subject for the last four years, that she'd be bored of stars. But simply looking at them, not trying to map their movement or identify a certain constellation, she found herself able to admire them as if with new eyes.

They were beautiful. Just tiny specs of light, seemingly suspended in air, staring down with a beauty they weren't sentient of; beauty that had outlived the human race a thousand times over. It made all her turbulent emotions catch in her throat.

They made her feel so tiny. From where she lay, the stars were mere little flecks of light that were spattered across the vast and immense sky. However, knowing that they were huge masses of gas, burning light years away... their light reaching across the universe to reach them on earth, made one really put things in perspective.

However, this knowledge only made a horrible ache inside her, one that always festered there beneath the surface, intensify. It felt hurtful to realize just how insignificant they all were. Tracey closed her eyes as her mind turned to Marie. In the grand scheme of things, thinking without involving her feelings, she knew that to the world it was probably no loss.

Marie wasn't a musical prodigy. Yes, she had a great talent for playing the violin and perhaps she had a great deal of promise. Perhaps one day she could've become a violinist of international renown, but... now that would never happen. Who knew what they were missing out on?

Tracey closed her eyes and searched inside of herself. She was even more insignificant than Marie. There was nothing that she loved with the passion that Marie had for playing the violin. At least, perhaps there were a few people that would remember Marie as a supremely talented musician, a star that had collapsed in and on itself, leaving a black hole in its stead, before she'd even got a chance to really shine.

Marie, for her weaknesses, was still so much better than she was and Tracey felt a sharp pang in her chest to acknowledge it, and gnashed her teeth for a moment. Unconsciously her hands drifted to rest over where her heart would be, as if it would soothe it. For a ghastly moment, she hated Marie with all her being because, even in death, Marie was someone she envied.

Tracey lived on the periphery. She went to classes, did her work... but she was all but invisible to everyone. Yes, she had a certain talent with magic, but there was nothing she loved with passion. She was nothing and no one. If she were to perish, simply vanish in this moment, no one would notice. No one would care. The one person that might have, was already gone.

A tear leaked from her eye and trekked from the corner of he eye to her hairline and ear, a bit to her discomfort. But her mind was too caught up in her thoughts to care. She wondered if this was the sense of hopelessness and uselessness that Marie had felt.

The ache she felt in her stomach was terrible. Was this what she fought against so much? Was this that dreadful loneliness that had driven her to rely so heavily on some insignificant being not worth the dirt on her shoes?

This thing inside her... she felt it creep up to her chest. It constricted her lungs and seemed to bind her heart and choke it. Soon, she felt it crawling into her throat and expanding. She felt it like bile in her mouth and clenched her teeth, fearful that it would come out in the form of anguished sobs. Her pride couldn't allow it and clamped down on it.

Tracey wished that Marie was there with her; Marie shared in that same darkness... she felt she should be here with her, to comfort her as she had done so many times in the past. However, when she opened her eyes and turned her head slightly, she caught the blurred lights that clung to the rose-bushes in her sight.

Tracey closed her eyes to not remember. She was a witch. Marie was a muggle. Even if Marie was still on the earth, she wouldn't be there with her. Not while she was at Hogwarts.

Her heart twinged painfully with a grief she was never sure she would be able to escape, as her mind protested. Even if Marie could not be at Hogwarts with her, she didn't care. She still would have preferred the world with Marie in it, than with her out of it.

This made at her gasp in pain, unable to contain the sobs and be able to breath at the same time. Closing her eyes, a river or tears flowed from her eyes, but she was able to steady her breathing and keep her crying silent.

Death couldn't change the way Tracey loved her sister. When Marie was alive, Tracey resented her for being the perfect child. It was resentment that couldn't be wiped away with her death, but Tracey could now, even if it pained her, admit that this was not Marie's fault. However, Marie was fully to blame for her death, and that anger she felt at her for killing herself was strong.

But deep down, Tracey loved Marie. Marie would always be her sister. And Tracey missed her with all her heart, even those parts polluted with anger and sentiments of hate. Marie had been the only person, who had made her feel happy, even if it was only for little chunks of time. It made Tracey wonder how she would ever feel happy at all again.

"Miss Davis, are you all right?" an alarmed voice suddenly called. Tracey felt her eyes snap open and she sat bolt-upright in shock, her heart thundering as it did when she suddenly woke from a nightmare. Looking up, through her teary gaze she noticed the unmistakeable figure of Professor Snape. Gasping, she turned away from him and dabbed quickly at her face, removing traces of her recent crying.

When she turned again to look at him, her sight now cleared, she nearly jumped at his proximity. She briefly wondered why he was standing so close when she suddenly looked up at his face to see that it still looked a bit concerned. "Yes, why?" she asked defensively as she stared up at him, her voice betraying her as it came out in a croak.

Severus raised a brow at her as she was blatantly lying to him. He'd seen her laying there, her brows deeply furrowed in clear anguish over shut eyes. He'd see the tears marring her face, making parts of it glisten in the fairy lights. However, his concern was evaporating. He'd thought for a moment that she had perhaps been sexually attacked, but he was now certain she wasn't. He sighed in relief at this. A sexual attack would enough trouble for the school as it was, without adding scrutiny of the entire wizarding world thanks to the tri-wizard tournament.

However, just to be sure he briefly peaked through her mind. Oddly enough, the memories at the forefront of her mind seemed to be about her sister. Getting a bit of clearer picture, he pulled out of her memories and merely stared at her.

He felt awkward, not sure what to do or say to her. Normally he would simply insult her and tell her to get lost as he would with most students, even those in his own House. However, knowing first hand what it is to lose someone you love, he knew what she was going through. And to her credit, Tracey Davis didn't go around moping, moaning or crying inconsolably. She hid her grief well for the most part. Hell, no one in the school but her Professors and the ghost even knew she had lost her sister in her first year.

Without being able to admit to himself, he sort of admired the girl for her fortitude of spirit. She was a loner and from his understanding she had lost the only tether she had to the world. Most others probably would have killed themselves. And yet here she was trudging on.

Tracey felt her face flush in embarrassment and turned away slightly. She felt ashamed, dreadfully so. She felt so stupid too. Of course he had seen her tears; saw her weak, like every other stupid fourteen year old girl. She was doubly mortified for it and now he was just standing there, staring down at her, probably laughing at her in his mind while basking in the glory of seeing her so downtrodden.

The silence dragged on between them, stretching and thickening around them, so that neither could move. Severus cursed in his mind, wondering why he kept just standing there, not saying anything and yet for all his berating of himself, he still could not find any words to say. He didn't remember the last time he felt this awkward and it was highly uncomfortable. It made him feel like a teenager and he felt the familiar crawling under his skin for it.

Twisting her skirts in her hands, Tracey felt on pins and needles, waiting for a blow he was taking his sweet time with. He was probably savoring the way she was squirming. It heightened to the point where she debated between herself to just tell him to get out with it or not. However, feeling so emotionally on edge as she did, she couldn't for fear that her current state wouldn't allow his insult to just roll off her like nothing.

Being at her wits end, she did the one thing that, odd as it was, came to her mind. She pretended to faint. She felt stupid for it, but more than that she felt the pain of the hard bench scrap her arm and her head slightly bang on the hard stone. However, she tried to focus on not reacting outward to this physical pain and keeping her breathing even while her eyes were shut in a relaxed way.

For a moment, she heard Professor Snape asking calling her name for a few minutes, but she didn't react. Next, she felt him prodding at her and shaking her awake, but once more, she made no reaction and merely continued to pretend to be asleep.

After a few minutes she heard him sigh and mumble to himself what the hell he was supposed to do with her. After another silence, where she focussed hard on her hearing, she suddenly felt something solid and warm digging under her neck while another similar sensation happened to her knees. She almost wanted to gasp and open her eyes to see what was happening, when she told herself firmly that if she did she would give away the fact she was pretending.

She momentarily clenched her teeth while she made sure the rest of her limbs were dead, as she felt her body lifted. It was jostled briefly, at which a gasp did escape her throat, but she was able to pass it off as a sigh before lolling her head to the side and murmuring nonsensical things in her sleep.

She had more than an inkling that he had picked her up and was carrying her. Being as no one had ever carried her like this, since she was a child at least, it felt odd, but it wasn't as uncomfortable as lying on that hard bench had been. Besides that, she could see a bit of his body heat, and unconsciously she snuggled in closer to him and hummed in satisfaction, momentarily forgetting this was Professor Snape.

However, his warmth was inviting, and as she snuggled her head close to what she assumed was his chest, she felt him pleasantly soft and firm at the same moment. She could smell the scent of something earthy and yet very clean, like fresh laundry. It was oddly comforting and before she knew it, she was actually asleep, rocked by his footsteps.

TBC...

A/n: Thoughts?