Cherished

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Tales of Legendia, Yggdra Union, Shirley, or Gulcasa. I seem to own considerable insanity, though, or how else could I get infected with the idea for this crossover?

("Yellow" theme #4 – if I never met you; you'll be the pain, you'll be the scar)

The next night, while Shirley was busy turning down the sheets of the bed and undoing the little braids that framed her face, Gulcasa just stood beside the bedding strewn over the floor and watched her. When she sat down and plumped her pillow, he crossed his arms behind his back and spoke.

"You haven't asked," he said simply.

Shirley looked up and found herself holding his gaze. His expression was even, just as his voice had been; she glanced away and shook her head.

"I've done enough prying," she told him. "I thought… if you wanted to talk about it, you would when you were ready."

"You should know," he said at length with a heavy sigh. "Yeah… you should… you should probably know. Better than having you wonder, and… I think I've needed to lay it all out anyway."

Shirley didn't speak; instead she cocked her head a little and gently patted the mattress next to her. Just as silently, Gulcasa walked around the side of the bed and sat, leaning forward in a half-slouch and crossing his arms across his thighs.

"So… by now I'm sure you've guessed that there was someone," he said simply and without preface, looking at her without really turning his head. "We first met… oh, about two years ago. Give or take a month or a few weeks. He was an artificer—a kind of mage that makes tools and jewelry with magical properties. And he was really good at it."

Shirley wasn't as surprised as she might have been. Even though it was rare within the Ferines, there were people who found themselves more attracted to their own sex than the opposite gender. Generally, it was accepted when it happened—there really wasn't anything one could do to change the way one was born to be, after all. And Shirley had wondered about the possibility when puzzling over Gulcasa's disinterest in her.

So instead of reacting with shock, Shirley just watched Gulcasa carefully. "What kind of person was he?" she asked.

Gulcasa gave one short, harsh laugh and closed his eyes. "Stubborn. Incredibly stubborn, eccentric, snarky, manipulative, difficult in the company of others, prone to saying the worst thing for the moment. Brilliant, world-weary, perceptive, irreverent. He had a dry sense of humor, and a kind of arrogance like he was above it all. Fussy. Shy. Insufferable. And so terribly broken." He shook his head, his smile bitter. "I loved him with everything I had."

Shirley said nothing; she just watched and waited.

"We didn't get along very well at first, but all the same… there was just something that kept drawing us together, like we were on opposite ends of a string someone was gathering to its middle. He was always there when I needed someone—as a shoulder, or just to give me a good kick in the rear, you know? And I always wanted to protect him, even before we got together. He was just a little thing… an inch or so taller than you are, built very delicate. He acted strong, but…" Gulcasa shook his head again. "He was blind, had been for a long time. Used magic to get around it, but—it was just the most visible of a lot of problems. Once it all started to unravel, we just…

"…Well. Eventually we pledged to each other, and my people knew he would be my consort officially. My younger sister Emilia was next in line for the throne, so it was fine; her children would've picked up the line after me. Everyone in Flarewerk, our capital, was so supportive, and it just… after everything we'd gone through individually, how hard our lives had been, it finally seemed like something was going to go right for a change…

"We didn't actually become lovers until just last fall," Gulcasa confessed with a sigh. When Shirley frowned, confused, he bowed his head. "We would've sooner, but… he'd been hurt, someone had hurt him, when he was young. Things like that… hurts like that can linger for decades. He was afraid, and I couldn't press him—it hurt enough watching just how hard he tried. When we finally managed… it just… I felt it, I knew, that this was it. He was The One. Beyond any vestige of doubt, or… he was my first, and it was so beautiful. That's the kind of thing that stays with you." Seeming to catch himself, he made a face. "Sorry. You don't need every detail, do you?"

Shirley shook her head vigorously. "I don't mind. You need to talk about it."

"Suffice it to say he was everything to me," Gulcasa said with a sigh. "Everything inside me that was dead or sleeping, he woke up. We had the most outrageous arguments sometimes, and then right after I'd be holding him if he was lonely or sad or frightened. The world that had always been so dark and hollow… when I was with him, everything was filled with light and color and hope.

"And then… last winter…"

Gulcasa's voice trailed off, and Shirley noticed that his hands were shaking. He seemed to realize it, too; he clasped them tightly and dropped his eyes to them. He still couldn't seem to manage words, though.

"That was just after negotiations had opened up, wasn't it?" Shirley probed gently.

Gulcasa closed his eyes and nodded. "It was—maybe a month into winter when it…" He broke off again, drew in a sharp breath, and forced himself on hoarsely. "It was so sudden, it happened so quickly… He was perfectly fine, we were happier than we'd ever been, and then—one day he was feeling a little fatigued and achy and had the slightest hint of a temperature. Then the next, he was delirious."

Shirley's chest squeezed.

"I didn't… I don't even understand now. Scarlet fever, they said. All the best doctors, all the best healers—they did everything they could, but…" He opened his eyes, blinked once, and a silvery tear raced down his face. "He was always… so frail…" He just shook his head. "It couldn't have been more than a few days when… nothing more they could do, they said. Just make him comfortable, they told me. It just came—out of nowhere; one minute we had everything to look forward to and then the next…" He let the sentence hang. He didn't need to finish it. "He was… mostly lucid the last few days. At least there was that. But he was so weak…" A second tear followed the first, then a third. "I was with him every minute. Every minute and it could never be enough… it was breaking my heart, and breaking his, and it wasn't—fucking—fair—" Gulcasa gritted his teeth, closed his eyes and shuddered. "And all I could do… all I could do was be there. All I could do was be there, and hold him in the end, so he wouldn't be alone. All I could do… for the one who was my entire world…"

Shirley didn't know what she could say. This—this was too much. It was too awful, too sad. She was having a hard enough time coping, but at least Senel was still alive. Even knowing he would never realize the depth of what she'd felt for him, even knowing they were out of each other's reach forever, she could still wake up every day knowing that he was well and happy. To have to face the simple task of going through the motions in a world without Senel… even the thought was too painful to bear. How hard must it be for Gulcasa to just get up every morning?

And yet even now he was squaring his shoulders, bracing himself against the mattress and scrubbing his face dry. "To be honest, I think I threw my country into a panic," he went on, his voice thick but not cracking. "I just gave up for a while, left everything to my sisters and my court. Do you know, I think half the reason they agreed to your Elder's idea of this marriage is because they were hoping to snap me out of it. It worked, to a point. It was something to do, something to get me up and putting at least a half-assed effort into living again. But… it's surprised me a little."

"What has?" Shirley asked, clearing her throat softly and wiping at her eyes. They stung and felt too damp, even after she did.

Before he replied, Gulcasa reached out and softly brushed his fingertips over her cheek.

"The way that sometimes, I see him in you," he said simply.

Shirley didn't know what to say, but she knew that the pain she felt on his behalf was nothing to what he actually had to be feeling. So she reached out and rested a hand on his shoulder, and the next thing she knew he was holding her tightly, crushed against his chest.

He needed this—even if he wasn't really holding her but the memory of the one he'd loved and lost, he needed to be able to hold on to something. He'd lived every lover's worst nightmare, even more unspeakable than being rejected or repulsed. A lover estranged was still a lover living. Shirley's heart broke for him, and she was rendered speechless by the strength and courage he had, the bravery he'd needed to start over like this.

"Don't you leave me," he said softly. "Don't you ever leave me the way Nessiah did. I couldn't bear going through that again. I couldn't keep living if I lost anyone else."

"I would never," Shirley replied, and meant it. She laced her fingers together over the ridge of his backbone and closed her eyes.

They'd probably been sitting that way for at least ten minutes when Gulcasa released her and eased her back. Closing his eyes and drawing slow, even breaths, he made as if to stand; Shirley stopped him by taking a fistful of the fabric of his shirt. Gulcasa looked down at her questioningly.

"I…" Shirley shook her head, and smiled crookedly, sadly. "It must be awfully uncomfortable, sleeping on a wood floor like this. Please. You need a good night's rest. Sleep here tonight."

Gulcasa didn't argue. He just retrieved the pillow from the tangle of sheet and comforter on the floor, and set it on the side of the bed that should've been his. He sat there and swung up onto the mattress in silence, only reaching out to touch Shirley's shoulder and kiss her cheek with a tenderness that made her heart stir painfully before he lay down.

When Shirley drifted off to sleep that night, it was with his arm protectively around her and his warmth at her back.