I'm in Hell. It's cool.

"Hahahahaha, oh Steven!", laughed Amethyst as she came out of the temple door.

"What's up, Amethyst?", asked curiously the youngest, who was laying on the couch watching something on his phone.

"Remember that thing Holopearl does? That "parry, parry, THRUST" thing?", tried to speak between giggles the chubby purple female.

"I think I do, what's with that?".

"Oh hohoho boy, Pearl uses it to masturbate!", she said.

After a moment of silence, the chubby prepubescent boy looked confused. "Mas... turbate? What's that?", inquired doubtful.

Amethyst's expression changed suddenly to a shocked one, "You don't know what masturbation is? Don't you know anything about sex or what?".

The kid shrugged and shook his head.

"Okay buddy, I'mma teach you what I've learned", said happily Amethyst, seeing herself as a really helpful Gem, "If you don't understand something, don't ask, use your phone", finished sitting next to Steven.

After two hours and a half of explanations and searching in the Internet, Steven learned all the available sex theory he could. That doesn't mean that he wasn't confused as heck.

"... and that's what we call pansexuality", culminated Amethyst.

Steven was really confused, and a little traumatized by the graphic content. "So... I am a trangender poliapansexual furry bottom...", muttered.

"Yeah, whatever. Do you understand now what Pearl was doing?", asked tiredly the purple being.

The boy stared at his phone before nodding absently.

"Finally!", she sighed heavily before standing up and leaving the house after saying "I need donuts".

Steven kept there, assimilating information. After a few minutes, he decided to phone his dad. He had something to ask.

"Hi kiddo, what's up?", said Greg answering the call.

"Dad... I wanted to know...", started slowly the curly-haired child.

"Are you oka-", before he could finish his sentence, Steven spoke up.

"DO YOU WANNA FELCH?", inquired loudly, surprising his father.

After a brief silence, Greg replied enthusiastically "Yeah! Sure, come over, I'm at my van. Bring a funnel".

It was a gorgeous afternoon.

SNAP

Greg and Steven were sitting in the back of their van, gazing at the moon, before the youngest said "Dad, you smell weird".

The aforementioned looked at him and blinked slowly before giggling and touching his hair with both of his hands. "And you're veeery soooft", whispered dully, "Like your mooom".

"Dad, what the-", Steven couldn't continue as one of Greg's indexes fingers shut his mouth.

"Shhh, don't say aaaanything. Just let me be your daddy tonight. Lay here with me", said the long-haired one leaning back on his mattress.

The boy doubted, but he did it anyway. He was his father after all, he wouldn't hurt him... would he? He was now lying next to Greg, who started to touch his weenie.

"Dad? What are you doing?", inquired nervous Steven, starting to freak out, but doing nothing to avoid the calloused, manly hands that were rubbing his pelvic area and massaging his scrotum. His dong started to grow.

"Yes, I'm your daddy. Let's bond a little", answered an erected Greg as he started to undress his son.

Suddenly, Garnet was there, holding a now naked Steven after ripping up the van's doors.

"AAAAGHHHH, NOT YOU, LEGO WOMAN!", screamed the lovely father while his erect penis pouted.

And that's how a rape was averted. DAMN YOU, FORESIGHT.

BIGGER SNAP

Pearl was finishing her housewife duties when Garnet appeared silently behind her and grabbed her by her hips, rubbing her... genitals? against her... ass?

"Gimme some sugar, baby!", exclaimed in her usual upbeat tone.

Pearl didn't even turn around, as she bit her lip and whispered seductively, "You don't know how long I've been wanting this". Then, she took out a sugar bowl from a cupboard and poured some of its content into her mouth.

"Hmmm, that's how I like it", said very sexually the fusion as she removed her sunglasses.

Finally, the pale bird mom faced her, and spat the mix of saliva and white powder on her comrade's face.

Both of them were smiling.

Yeah, living is free in Beach City.

AVERAGE SNAP

Peridot, fresh outta her crib, was walking around her hood, waving at her homeys all around Deshaun's 7/11, when she found a group of boys having a rap battle. She gave one of them a try against her. He was called "Lil' B Pussy Killa", but she knew he was Shaniqua's kid. It was pretty obvious, he inherited her weave. He wasn't older than 208, but his sharp eyes made him look like he was Vietnamese.

He went first, and his rhymes were good. Actually, his reference to the unstable situation lived by Greece impressed her.

But then again, she had her own label, and she won the Rap Olympics twice. "Okay dawg, that was cool n' stuff, but ya ain't got tha level. Yo, yo, check me out...

I came from outer space/

To destroy your race/

Fuck up your life/

Bitch, this shit cray/".

...

After the extraordinary events happened that week, Peridot was in the finals, and this round was random pairings' round.

She was with Amethyst, and that Steven thing with Lapis. She unfused with Jasper for their own battle. It was really awesome.

But now, she had to do her best.

The astrological coin flipped, bestowing the start to the chubby kid.

"YEAH, PUT YOUR MOTHAFUCKING HANDS UP IN THE AIR! BEACH CITY IS IN THE MOTHAFUCKING HOOOOOOOOOOOOUSE!

OH.

Okay bitch, I cannot keep my cool/

In this shit, I'm all about the blue/

I love Amethyst, and that's just fucking true/

But how Big Sean said, I DON'T FUCK WITH YOU!/".

The crowd went crazy.

"I DIDN'T REALLY WANT YOU TO HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND/

I TOOK YOUR FUCKING FOOT, 'CAUSE YOU WERE FUCKING CHEATING/

SHE'S A HUGE PUSSY, AND I THINK IT'S FUCKING LEAKING/

LET'S SEE WHO YOU CALL "CLOD" WHEN YOU'RE JUST SQUEAKING/".

The crowd went H.A.M. (sandwich).

But there's something they didn't consider: Drake was about to cry. Just like Rose's tears could bring life to this world, Drake's tears made everything go from zero to a hundred real quick. No matter if they were at the bottom, they'll just end up here *lifts his right hand over his head*.

"THERE'S NO TIME! FUSE WITH ME, STEVEN!".

"WHO ARE YOU?".

"THE WRITER! HURRY, BRING YOUR ASS OVER HERE!".

"WHY ARE WE NAKED!?".

"HURRY THE FUCK UP!".

"LOVE ME, YOU SEXY BEAST!".

"HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!".

I saw Robert de Niro's dick once.

2017