Disclaimer: Don't own the X-men, but Ella is mine.

Warning: This chapter contains some of her darker back story – ie a death – and romance..or lust, whichever fits the bill, lol.

Black and Blue Chapter 4: His Internal War, Her Undivided Heart

Approx. 2 months later

March

Kurt's POV

What does love feel like? Passion?

You can't live without the person you love; It fills your life, consuming you, but what is it like to be torn between two loves? The love of God is eternal, and never failing, an he saved me, and he has called me to serve him, and then there is Ellanor. When she smiles my heart is joyful, and when she cries it breaks for to see her suffer breaks my heart and I want to hold and comfort her, and bring back the happiness that flees from her so easily it seems.

I want to kiss her, to do so much more then to hold her. I could be happy with her, complete an whole without any question, but my passion, my calling does not allow the love I wish to be. It calls for celibacy and devotion to him and his mission.

I fear I am running out of time to make my decision. Father Thomas sees my divided heart and calls me on it. I cannot hide that I am in love with her, and with my dream of entering the Priesthood. How can two things be so divided yet both feel so right ? What transformed from a friendship, to this is beyond me. It is as if it came to life suddenly, and filled my heart with this division.

I love her and I love my Lord, so much that I would sacrifice one for the other, but I fear I could not make that decision without breaking my heart in the process. Either decision is a difficult choice for me-how do I know what one is right when both feel so perfect?

On his knee's fervently praying for comfort and wisdom to make the right decision. He feels peace fill his soul for a brief moment, before the nagging thoughts return of her, of his love. Ella consumes his mind and heart as does his love and passion for God. It does not seem possible that the two could co-exist peacefully for him though, knowing the strength of his desire for her. His fists hit the floor in frustration. 'Is this a test Lord? Help me, for I am lost.'

Ella's POV

She smiled to herself, lost in dreams of what could be. She had never before felt so strongly about a person, and she realized with no doubt or fear of rejection that she loved Kurt. It was as if he had been made for her. When she was with him her whole being felt complete and whole, and when she wasn't she couldn't stop thinking about how happy she was to know she would see him again soon.

In the last two months she couldn't remember a time when she had a panic attack or nightmare that was as bad as it had been when she first came to the school as a permanent resident. She felt the change within her, the light chasing away the darkness that had seemingly engulfed her life for so very long.

This of course didn't mean she didn't feel sadness or anger over the recent loss of her father, but she could finally see the light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

' I wonder if mom would be happy' she pondered while playing with the necklace around her neck absentmindedly. On a silver chain were her parents wedding rings. One was a simple gold band with engraving on it that read, "My love, you are my dream", an the other was a blue diamond on a silver band that was once her mothers. She felt sadness for a moment feeling the cold rings as she looked at them. She was reminded of her father with the cold touch- his heart had been too broken to repair and his mind shattered after her mother had died 4 years before in a car accident. She remembered finding him that late august day

8 months ago

She left the school and headed home for the first time in two days. While she doubted her father cared what she did, she still cared enough to come home and make sure he was ok. She missed her dad the way he used to be, wondering if he would ever be 'normal' again. Ever since losing his wife and her mother 4 years ago, he had been a damaged man. It was as if he had lost his soul. She missed her mom, and wished she was still there too, but she had tried to live for her an make her proud. It had only been a year later when her powers manifested, and Professor Xavier who had been a friend and college buddy to her father, turned around an helped her by teaching her what her father could not—how to control her abilities.

She opened the door of the home she shared with her father and called out to him. "Dad? I'm home."

Ella closed the door behind her and hung her coat up on and continued to walk to the kitchen to get something to drink before talking to him. After getting a glass of water she went to his office. The door was closed though light shown from under the doorway. "Dad? I'm coming in." she opened the door and walked in, the scene before her sending her into shock. Her father was slumped over on the desk face down. She stepped closer. The smell of death permeated the room, and a vodka bottle sat undisturbed for the most part except for the blood and brain matter that had splattered onto it.

She couldn't speak, let alone utter a word as she stepped closer to feel for a pulse. She knew he was dead, but her mind wouldn't let her comprehend. She noticed the gun on the floor as she touched his cold lifeless hand. Blood dripped onto her shoe, her sweater was stained as she knelt now beside him.

Whether minutes or moments or even hours had passed she didn't know. The grief began to unfurl itself and she felt the tears as they fell down her cheeks, then the sobs as they poured out of her. Screams followed as she felt the anger and madness, the loss of her only relative become a reality.

Her clothes were bloody from holding him at one point. She stood and walked out of the office, and into the foyer. She walked out of the home, still crying, her throat sore from sobbing. She flew into the air and to the mansion. Landing on the front lawn, she walked slowly as if she couldn't move any faster.

She heard them before she saw them. Logan came out and grabbed her. She was taken down to the med lab, and as they began to examine her, she uttered the words. "He's gone." she wasn't crying anymore, and was eerily calm. "Who's.." "He..committed suicide." she said before Hank could finish his sentence. Robert Hollam had been a friend and fellow scientist, and his own mind couldn't comprehend what she had spoken for a moment.

"Jean?" he said looking hopelessly at her, "Is it true?". She scanned for his mind and he was gone, and the flashes of images coming from Ella's mind showed her the regretful truth. Hank discarded the bloodstained clothing into a bag and then grabbed a blanket and put it gently around Ella's still body. He hugged her close, and she leaned against him. She was crying again.

Ella shook off the memory of that, thinking instead of the man she loved. She smiled and pushed the dark memory away and decided to go look for Kurt.

Now

"Ellanor Renee Hollam", said a man in a quiet voice, "Daughter of recently deceased scientist Robert Eldrich Hollam. Age 15, level 4 mutant, genius..she could be useful. Says here she has trained in gymnastics, and multiple martial arts. Hmm.." "What's happening Roy?" a man asked as he came in the door of the office, "David, I have a pick up for you. I want this one to be untraceable. Leave nothing behind that could identify us." "And you want this one alive?" "Have fun if you want but I want her alive. She has definitive potential for the program." "She is special then. Can I see a picture?" he turned the computer screen around and it showed a young woman who was well developed and beautiful. She had long black hair and emerald green eyes, with a soft demeanor. That would be broken soon enough if she didn't die in the first stage of treatment. David smiled darkly to himself. He could have a lot of fun with this broad. "Abilities?" "level 4, flight and energy manipulation, trained in martial arts and general gymnastics. She is smart, so watch yourself." "Looks naive to me. That leaves them easy to capture." "I don't need to mention that you should bring her alive right?" "No problem boss."

"Good. Location is New York, upper state, she will be attending a concert this coming Thursday. Leave no witnesses." he handed him a page of the location of where she would be, and possible capture points. "Yes sir." David, also known as Rage walked out into the office, an took the elevator down to level 10 to get ready for his mission. He licked his lips in anticipation, and looked at the print out. In 5 days he would have a new toy.

Kurt's POV – later that day

Kurt pulled the hoodie off an hung it on a peg, and walked out of the locker. His thoughts were deep, and brooding. He couldn't help but think of her even now, the way she smiled at him, the hope she held in her eyes as she would gaze at him. He felt deep within his being the reality of the situation, thing and his choice was clear.

"Logan? Have you seen Kurt?" "He was heading down to the danger room last I saw, what's up?" "Oh, uh, nothing, just need to ask him something." Logan looked at her for a moment. She looked like a woman with a mission. Focused, driven, and scared. "You alright kid?" "I'm..fine. Just need to … err breathe..ha. See ya." "Kid?" "Um..yeah?" "Don't be afraid to fight for it. If its really what you want just. Do it." he wasn't so good at the whole encouraging speeches, but she got the idea. "Yeah, thanks." "No prob kid." she headed down to the danger room. If he felt the same way for her, as she felt for him then there was maybe a chance in hell it could work. She wanted to be happy, and he was the one person in the world who made her happy.

Neither seemed to notice the other, both caught up in thought. She walked right into him. "Ooof!" she fell back onto her butt comicly. "Oh Ella, are you alright? I didn't see you." "Don't worry I didn't see ya either. Can we talk?" "How about I help you up first?" They walked to the danger room, and both of them seemed to be at unease, as they walked in.

For the last few weeks they had been growing closer and began spending more and more time together, but there was always a wall. There was always something that stopped what felt right from happening between them. She leaned against the wall as if it would give her comfort, give her strength. "I vas about to train but please.." he had simulated a complicated but simple gymnasium with what looked like several obstacle courses within. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't interrupt you." she walked briskly away before he could grab her, so he teleported instead. "What troubles you mein frund?" 'I shouldn't have come. If he loved me he would tell me. Why do I have to be the brave one?' she thought to herself sullenly. "Nothing, just forget it.", She snapped and ran around him.

She couldn't understand why she couldn't ask him the simple question. 'do you have feelings for me?'.

She took the elevator to the first floor and went out the front gate. It was spring out, nighttime to be exact. She flew into the air and flew towards the city. It didn't take her long to get to the tower he had taken her to. She sat against the cold building, pulling the hoodie closer to her. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back.

"God, I.." 'this is stupid' she thought as she wrestled against her pride. "Look God, whatever you are, I need your help. I love him but I am scared shitless-I can't even spend a single moment not thinking of him. He..I love him so much. If it's right let him find me." she continued to pray, so focused on the prayer that Kurt's bamf didn't alert her. She pulled the hoodie closer as spring rain began to fall. Her tears blended with the rain, and the only thing that made Kurt realize she was crying were slightly shaking shoulders, and gentle soft sobs.

"Ellanor.." she looked up alarmed. Her eyes were rimmed red. He went to sit beside her. "What is bothering you? I looked for you, and figured maybe you vould come here. Please talk to me." "Kurt, I.." he put his arms around her and held her. The rain was cold and she was shaking now from the cold. "I vould like to take you home, if that is alright. No need for both of us to get a spring cold, ya?" she nodded yes and pulled herself closer into his arms, and he teleported them back to the mansion to her room. He led her to the bed where a towel conveniently lay.

She shed the hoodie and her tank top was soaked. She walked to the dresser and took the top off, bra and all with her back to him. He watched for a moment before turning. How he loved her, and oh, how he wanted her. She slipped off her pants, checking that he wasn't looking, and half disappointed changed into shorts. She grabbed the towel off of the bed and dried her hair before gently touching his shoulder.

"I should go." he said, as she slipped into his arms. Her eyes implored him to stop, to acknowledge her. He let his hand slip around her waist and pulled her closer. "I should.." her hands stroked his back softly as she looked lovingly into his eyes. His own eyes looked at her with love and lust. 'god forgive me' he leaned in and kissed her. Her lips were soft and supple against his, and her body perfect, and so close he could feel himself beginning to lose control.

He pulled her even closer, as if it were possible, as he passionately kissed her. There was a moment when thoughts began to intrude, that he pushed away. His torn heart though would not let more happen between them as the thoughts of his other passion, and a recent conversation with Father Thomas filled his mind. He pulled away, and they were both gasping, and she let her head rest on his chest. His heart beat wildly, where hers was calm. She finally had the one thing that made her feel complete and she was at peace as she let her eyes rest. Her hands on his shoulders.

Kurt was so unbelievably torn, so utterly devastated yet happy that they had shared that moment. He felt guilt realizing the price he would pay for loving her. His mind was in chaos, as he gently pushed her away. "I'm sorry, I just can't...please forgive me." he stepped away, his shoulders slumped as she looked on in shock. He looked up for a moment before teleporting away. All he saw was her tears falling down her face, and he realized how much he had crushed her, and his guilt tripled. How could he explain that she wasn't to blame, or that he was confused. He had shared his dreams before with her, and hers as well with him. The dream of a normal life with him, was not possible. God was his everything, his all. There was no comparison, and he was called. You did not ignore the call of God, for he only calls once.

He broke down crying as he knelt in the familiar garden of the church. Where was god now, with his broken heart? Was there no happy ending for Ella?

Ella stood there, watching him disappear before her to god knows where. What happened? There was a kiss that was deep and passionate, and held promise and then there was an apology. He left so quickly that it caught her off guard, her happiness shattered like glass and was no more. She was an empty shell it seemed as she stood there, unaware of the tears as they flowed down her face.

' What did I do wrong?' she thought. She sat on the edge of the bed. She felt numb at first, but the shock slowly wore off with each passing minute. The floodgates of loss, anger, and betrayal opened and she began to sob. Feeling more alone then ever she curled up in bed and cried into her pillow. There was noone in the world who could comfort her, who could love her, or help her like him, and that whatever they had, was over.

The last words that echoed in her mind as she drifted into sleep were simple and terrifying; 'What now? My life can't get any worse.'

((Well, what do you think? Review and tell me! I have been steadily working on her for awhile, and she is finally taking form in the way I want her to. Hope you are all enjoying the ride!))