Chapter Four - Bizzaro World

Dean - Anywhere But Here

Dean was all but avoiding Sam and Eileen. It wasn't that he wasn't stoked to have her back; it was just that it was too damn much. The pair was attached at the hip since she'd turned up not-dead and It was disgusting, to be honest. Always sitting in some corner of the bunker signing sweet nothings to each other. He couldn't handle it, so, Dean hid away in his room when the three of them weren't on hunts, listening to the mix tape he'd given Cas. It was all he had left of his angel.

The first time he put the tape in, he cried. Much as he didn't want to admit it, he simply couldn't help it. The tears came without his consent because every song reminded him of Cas. But what did he expect out of a mix he made for Cas? Maybe, he was just trying to torture himself, feel something so he wouldn't fall into the numbness he desperately craved. Or maybe, he wanted to feel it, wanted to feel the loss of the life he could have had if he hadn't been so stupid. Circumstances robbed him of having anything more with the angel. First the apocalypse, then Godstiel and the Leviathan, and then Purgatory, and the angels falling, and then Gadreel, and Demon Dean, and the Mark of Cain, and Cas being possessed by Lucifer. But there was so much lull time during the search for the Nephllim and the British Men of Letters. So many opportunities where they could've... But he was dealing with Mom, he told himself, and didn't have room in his heart for another life altering change. Even after the love confession, he couldn't bring himself to take those next steps. A very small piece of him always knew how Cas felt, he just didn't know why. Why had the angel clung so tightly to him? He believed he was the Righteous Man, someone worth saving, but Dean never allowed himself to be saved. He didn't think he deserved it. He certainly didn't deserve Cas. Part of regretted never letting the angel in. He regretted never giving him a chance.

From a very young age, he knew he liked boys the same way he liked girls. But when, as a young boy, he made a comment about having a crush on a boy in class, John got angrier than Dean had ever seen him. He still sported the scar on his chin to prove it. Even since then, he tried his damnedest to repress anything and everything that made his father accuse him of being a 'faggot.' That is, until the day he met Castiel in the barn. Since that moment, he found he had a hard time keeping his composure in front of the angel. A lot of staring and flirting occurred during the apocalypse and Dean found he couldn't help himself, he was crushing harder than he had since high school and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. But that's all it was. A crush.

That is, until Purgatory. In the grime and sweat and blood he fell for the angel. Hard. Even in all the shit that followed, the feelings never subsided. With each passing year, his heart ached more and more for a being he believed could never love him back. And now that he knew the truth, he hesitated and missed his chance.

So there he was, sitting on his bed, boots still on, tearing up to Stairway to Heaven, of course, and basically losing his shit during Ramble On. For whatever reason the lyrics just got him. Not only did the song remind him of Cas, but his mom as well. The part about the Dark One and Mordor was just too real. As soon as the song ended he wiped his eyes and rewound the tape, listening to it again.

Leaves are falling all around

It's time I was on my way

Thanks to you I'm much obliged

For such a pleasant stay

It was a pleasant stay, his time with Cas. As the angel had said when he'd gotten stabbed with the Lance of Michael, knowing Cas had been the best part of his life. He too was changed by the things they'd shared together. From Hell, to Earth, to Purgatory, their bond survived. It truly was profound. A bond that could break curses and maybe even pierce through the veil of death. No matter what happened, they always seemed to find each other.

But now it's time for me to go

The autumn moon lights my way

For now I smell the rain

And with it pain

And it's headed my way

Watching Cas die, and knowing that this time he wouldn't come back, was the single most painful experience of Dean's life. Hell was a pleasure cruise compared to the sting he still got thinking of the way his grace leaked from the wound as Lucifer stabbed him, the way he crumpled to the ground, the indent of his wings against the sand. His angel always found his way back to him, but maybe it was Dean's turn to save him. Pull him out from angel-Hell or wherever celestial beings went when they died.

Ah, sometimes I grow so tired

But I know I've got one thing I got to do

'Cause there had to be a way, right? There had to be some way to get Cas and his mother back. The two people, besides Sam of course, that he cared most about in this world. He had to try at least. If their situations were switched, he just knew Cas would sacrifice anything to bring him back. He already gave up so much to save Dean, time and time again.

Ramble on

And now's the time, the time is now

To sing my song

I'm goin' 'round the world, I got to find my girl

He had to keep fighting, keep trying, keep believing that he'd succeed. He had to keep going. That was all he could do. He owed that much to him.

On my way

I've been this way ten years to the day

Ramble on

Gotta find the queen of all my dreams

Dean chuckled lightly despite the lump in his throat, just a huff of breath exhaled through his nose. It had been almost ten years since they'd met, hadn't it? And a literal angel appearing in his dreams quite literally trumped whatever figurative queen Zep was singing about.

Got no time for spreadin' roots

The time has come to be gone

And tho' our health we drank a thousand times

Yeah, that pretty much described him. Always lookin' for love in the all the wrong places, mostly in the form of one night stands. Something, anything, to quench the loneliness, the hole in his heart. He thought he could have that White Picket Fence life with Lisa, but that tanked. Maybe the answer was staring him right in the face the whole time. Maybe he was broken and the only person who could fix him already had, time and time again. And maybe Dean was a dumb ass for never telling him how he felt.

I ain't tellin' no lie

Mine's a tale that can't be told

My freedom I hold dear

How years ago in days of old

When magic filled the air

Magic, Team Free Will… Was it possible his favorite song had always been trying to guide him in the right direction, except he was too stubborn to listen? For someone who didn't believe in Fate or Destiny, it always had a funny way of finding him.

T'was in the darkest depths of Mordor

I met a girl so fair

But Gollum, and the evil one

crept up and slipped away with her

He scrubbed a hand down his face in exhaustion. Stupid Lucifer. Stupid portal. Stupid Jack. If only Cas had just listened to him instead of running off to that cabin with Kelly. Then, maybe, none of this would have ever happened.

I can't find my bluebird.

Dean's heart stopped in his chest. Right as the song was about to end, between the do do dos, was his tribute to Cas… his bluebird. For the thousandth time that month, Dean found himself shaking with tears, unable to stop.

He didn't know how long he was out or exactly when he'd fallen asleep, but that's how Sam found him. He was curled up on the bed with the headphones still over his ears, face streaked with tears, when Sam knocked on the door and creeked it open.

"Dean?" his brother asked tentatively, but the older Winchester brother didn't stir. Sam sat on the bed and nudged his shoulder gently. "Hey man, you okay?"

Dean peeled his weary eyes open and glared up at Sam with bleary eyes. "Huh?" he grunted, pushing the headphones off his hears.

"I asked if you were okay," Sam repeated.

Dean stared at his brother, his face expressionless. "Do I look okay?" he asked in a harsh tone, rolling away from the younger Winchester.

"Dean… Look man-"

"I never got to tell him, Sammy… I never got a chance to say it back," he whispered into his pillow.

Sam took a second to consider his words. "Say what back?"

Dean turned to face him again, eyes daggers. "You know. Stop pretending you don't know," he growled, annoyed.

Sam snorted, humorlessly. "I'm not pretending anything Dean. I'm just waiting for you to man up and admit your feelings."

Dean continued to glare at him. "Don't hold your breath, little brother," he scoffed. "If there were feelings - and I'm not saying there are - no offense, but you wouldn't be the first person I'd tell."

To his surprise, Sam nodded. "I get it. Believe me, I do. You felt something and now it's too late and I'm the last person you want to talk to about it... I know Eileen being here hasn't been easy-"

"Hasn't been easy?" Dean chuckled darkly. "No it hasn't been easy, Sam. You just get the love of your life back while I got to watch mine die horribly!" Shit did he just admit that out loud? "I mean…" he tried to recover.

But the admission didn't seem to faze Sam. "Well at least we have a way to get Mom back," he said.

"Wait, what?" Dean bleated, sitting up.

"I think I know where Jack is," the younger Winchester said matter of factly.

Annoyance hit Dean like a ton of bricks. "So what? We ask him to help us? Use your head, Sammy!" he shouted. "Even if we find him, what makes you think he's the key to getting Mom back?"

"Well, he opened the portal before so he could open it again right?" Sam asked calmly.

"He's evil, Sam."

The younger man stood his ground. "No, nobody's born evil."

"Well, he's the son of Lucifer!" Dean yelled, getting more and more pissed off by the second.

"So? Since when are we holding children accountable for the actions of their fathers?" Sam asked. "We aren't Dad, and Jack doesn't have to be either. Team Free Will, remember?"

Dean sighed and rubbed his hand down his face. "Fine, we do it your way. But if anything goes sideways we're killing it with fire, capisce?"

While Dean was taking a trip down memory lane, Sam had managed to track down Jack to Chicago Illinois. Half the city lost power in a giant surge of energy, and the he knew it wasn't your typical power outage. The whole thing stunk of nephilim. Maybe the young devil spawn sensed the energy of the place, or maybe the veil was weaker there, but they ended up finding him sitting naked at a booth in the same pizza place Dean had once conversed with Death. Again, the entire restaurant was empty, save for the corpses of Jack's victims.

Dean turned to Sam as they slowly approached the being, giving him a pointed 'let's kill it and get the fuck out of here' look, but Sam was determined. He approached the creature with his arms out in front of him, as if calming a frightened animal.

"Jack?" he said with caution. "I don't know if you remember me, but we met in your nursery… Back in Washington… by the lake." Jack stared at him with unblinking yellow eyes. "I… I knew your mom… And Castiel."

At this Jack's eyebrows raised. "You knew the angel?" he asked in a surprising astute voice.

Sam faltered for a second before regaining his composure. "Uh, yeah. He was our friend."

Jack made eye contact with Dean, his golden eyes and emotionless expression creeping him out. "But now your friend is dead?"

Dean's knees went weak and he almost collapsed on the floor. "Y-yeah…" he sputtered "No thanks to you."

The nephilim squinted his eyes and tilted his head in a Cas-like manner. "This makes you angry. You are… sad he is dead and you are angry with me."

"No shit I'm angry!" Dean shouted even though Sam was motioning for him to keep it down. He didn't care. This thing was responsible for Cas's death as far as he was concerned. "You killed him you piss eyed mother fucker! And you're gonna bring him back."

"Now why would I do that?" the angel/human hybrid asked.

"Because you have a choice," Sam said, stepping in. "You have free will, Jack. You don't have to be your father... And I know your mother loved you and that Cas believed in you… Deep down, despite what Heaven or Hell thinks, you're good. Cas had faith in you. I have faith in you."

Jack seemed to consider this for a moment. "I can bring you to your angel," he said before waving his hands and causing a rift to appear behind Sam and Dean. "You will find him through there. And in exchange, you will not try to find me again. Unless of course I find you first." The thing smiled and Dean felt his stomach drop at how unnatural and creepy the expression looked on his face.

"Thank you," Sam said before grabbing Dean by the arm and directing him towards the portal. "Think about what I said… Please."

Sam touched the sliver of orange and disappearing. Dean followed and appeared back in the alternate universe. It was a good thing Sam convinced Eileen to stay at the bunker, no matter how good of a hunter she was, alternate universes weren't something they wanted her mixed up in. It was bad enough Mom was stuck here in the Borderlands-esque wasteland.

Dean looked around impatiently, cursing under his breath. "Cas isn't here. Fucking nephilim lied to us."

"Maybe, maybe not," Sam said, always the rational one. "But Mom is. This is a good thing Dean."

Dean clenched his jaw and turned towards his brother. "Look man, I get that we were given an opportunity here. Stop the devil, save Mom. Man, I get it…" he sighed. "And maybe we'll see some alternate versions of people we've lost, like Bobby, and maybe Jack thinks we'll find an alternate version of Cas here and that he could somehow replace the one I lost like he's a piece of furniture or a goldfish or something but nothing is going to fill that hole except the real Cas!" Dean shouted and Sam took a step back. He sighed before continuing. "I love Mom, I do, and I'll be stoked to have her back, but I shouldn't have to explain what losing him did to me, man… You know I lo-"

"Dean watch out!"

Dean spun around and was face to face with a dark figure, horns sprouted from his temples and blood dripped from his yellow scowl. Quickly he plunged his angel blade into the demon's chest, dropping the creature immediately.

"Damn son, you certainly know what you're doing."

Dean spun around at the voice and saw AU Bobby and a blonde woman coming up the sand dune. "Mom," he breathed before running towards her and enveloping her in a bone crushing hug. "Mom… I never thought I'd see you again… How? What happened to Lucifer?"

Mary pulled away, small smile on her lips. "Gone for now. We had help from… Well, an old friend."

"Who?" Sam asked, coming up to join them.

Mary hugged her other son before answering. "Castiel," she told them after letting go of Sam.

Cas - Still in the Empty

He and Gabriel are quiet for who knows how long. His brother said that it was impossible to hear Dean's prayers from the Empty, and yet, even now he can sense him. His longing pulses through his grace. Most of the hunter's thoughts are about him, and though he doesn't know what he's thinking about, he seems to know when Dean is thinking about him... Until he isn't. Like a candle burning out, Cas feels his human's presence one second, and the next second it's gone. But somehow, he knows Dean isn't dead. He would have felt it.

"That's strange... I can no longer feel him..." Cas mutters.

"Sorry, I'm still stumped you can feel him to begin with, Buttercup, so don't ask me..." Gabe responds and though Cas cannot read his expression, he senses the archangels is genuinely concerned for him.

If Dean hasn't died, what broke the connection?

To be continued...