Chapter 04
I hold tightly to his hand as we enter the tavern and I hastily look around for her and she is sitting at Varric's table draping her arms all over an elf covered in white markings. I recognise the elf as Fenris and I realise that the white markings are Lyrium. Marian's advice comes back and I realise I am staring. I cannot help it. He has white hair, bushy black eyebrows and his skin complexion is almost grey in colour and he is covered in white Lyrium markings. I glance at Carver, but he seems oblivious because his eyes are fixated on me.
"We can join them or we can sit at that quiet table in the corner," he murmurs. His voice is low and it sends shivers down my spine.
"I think I would rather sit at the table you mentioned," I murmur.
"Excellent..." he says. He leads me further into the tavern and he steers clear of Varric's table, but alas he waves at us. Carver groans.
"Shit," he murmurs.
"I suppose we should greet them," I suggest.
"We don't have a chance now do we?" he asks. He scowls as we wander to their table. He is annoyed and I am secretly pleased because the fact that he is annoyed means something.
"Hello everyone," he says quietly, barely keeping the ice out of his voice.
"Hello Carver...and Merrill," Varric greets us. He smiles at us. I realise we are still holding hands and try as I might, he won't let me go, so I give up. I decide to slip my free arm around his waist and I lean into him while I gauge Isabela's reaction. Her expression is unreadable and I do a little inward dance about that.
"Merrill, how are you?" she greets me without any animosity and she actually smiles at me.
"Good and yourself?" I reply.
"Could be better but that will soon be rectified once I have had something to drink," she replies. I notice Fenris looking at me. He has brilliant green eyes, but they are hard and cold. I shiver involuntarily and Carver tightens his arm around me.
"Who is she, Isabela?" he hisses.
"Oh...That is Merrill from Sundermount. She arrived here about a week ago..." she replies.
"A Dalish elf? Why would you leave your clan?" he enquires. I shift restlessly next to Carver and he looks at me.
"That has nothing to do with you, Fenris," he replies.
"Is she a mage?" he asks and I wonder how he knows that.
"What is it to you? We all know how you feel about mages, don't we?" Carver asks. Fenris' eyes harden even further and a look of pure loathing fleets across his face.
"A mage did this to me, you fool," he hisses.
"And you think they are all the same, don't you?" he asks.
"They are the same. They are dangerous and should be locked up in the Gallows where they belong," he replies.
"That's funny coming from you...You were a slave once... You should be more understanding," he says.
"Should I, now?" he says as he stands. Carver releases me and pushes me behind him. I grab his shirt while both men stare at each, daring the other to make a move, but I don't want him to fight. I do the only thing I can think of...I slip both my arms around his waist and lean into him. I feel him take a deep breath. His back is rippling with tension.
"Carver, relax," I murmur and to my surprise, he relaxes. He loses his defensive stance and he turns around.
"Let's go, Merrill, before I do more that what just occurred," he murmurs. He grabs my hand and leads me to the table he pointed out earlier. He pulls a chair out for me and I sit. He brings his chair around and sits next to me. He immediately reaches for my hand and entwines our fingers. I warily look at him and he is still angry and I don't know what to do comfort him. It is that or I am too shy to make any move. Instead, I rub my thumb along his knuckles and he lets out a low sigh. I chance looking at him and his eyes are half-closed and there is a ghost of a smile on his full lips that I desperately want to kiss. He is actually enjoying himself and his expression relaxes completely.
"Feel better?" I murmur and he grins at me.
"I do...Thank you...I mean it, but he really infuriates me. All he does is go on and on about his situation. You think I was bad? You should see my sister... She sometimes gets so angry that her energy seeps from her fingertips in white wisps and you don't want to be near her... She unleashes a mean bolt of energy," he says as he rubs his chest apparently lost in some memory and I realise what he means.
"She has used it on you?" I ask.
"Once...But it was well-deserved," he replies.
"What happened?" I ask.
"Mmm...I...I don't want to talk about it, Merrill. Let me just say it was unpleasant and I don't want to experience it again. She is extremely strong...Maker knows where she finds her strength," he replies and I know the subject is closed for now. Instead, I study his profile. He is deep in thought about something and I have no wish to disturb him so I look at our entwined fingers. I gently touch each finger and he shivers each time and I can't stop smiling. The effect I have on him is quite something and my stomach clenches at the thought that he finds me attractive. I raise my eyes in the hopes that I can study him without him realising it, but he is studying me with a look of deep concentration in his blue eyes that have darkened considerably and suddenly it is there, that electrical charge and I find myself leaning towards him. His eyes widen and he takes a deep, shuddering breath and I smile at him. I can't help it. Obviously I affect him, thinking about my earlier thoughts. He slides his hand along my side and curls it around my neck. I rest my hands on his chest as the distance between us lessens. He pauses mere inches from my lips. He gently massages the soft skin at the nape of neck, sending delicious tingles down my spine.
"Carver," I murmur. I am surprised at how low my voice is and his reaction is something else. His eyes widen further and he parts his lips...A little more, I silently plead as I stare into his eyes that have darkened considerably. He is so close to me that I feel his gentle breath and it only excites me. I move my hands along his chest, over his broad shoulders and I curl them around his neck where I gently massage the soft skin there and he shivers.
"Merri," he murmurs and as he is about to kiss me, a shadow looms over us.
"We should have a threesome...Sweet Maker, Carver, you really want her," Isabela says and under my hands he stiffens. He brushes me aside and stands.
"What the hell do you want, Isabela? I told you, we are over and I don't want anything more to do with you," he says in a dangerously low tone. She steps back in apparent surprise.
"What do you think I want and I think now is the perfect opportunity to show her..." she replies.
"Show her what, exactly? I think not, Isabela... Why don't you seduce Fenris? He can't seem to take his eyes off you," he mutters.
"You know exactly what I mean. You were only too eager to have me or have you conveniently forgotten that?" she asks.
"That was weeks ago, Isabela and let me remind you of a little something," he says slowly. I glance anxiously at him and I want to reach out and comfort him and I reach for his hand and he gently curls it around my hand.
"We were...rutting, if I remember correctly. Well, that is what you told me when I asked you if you wanted more. You told me we were rutting and that is exactly what we did, Isabela. We are over, so if you will excuse me, I would like to take Merrill home seeing that you have successfully made it extremely uncomfortable for her to be here. I wanted a quiet afternoon with her and you have spoilt it...Now run along and rut with Fenris. I am sure he will be more than willing," he mutters. She doesn't know where to look and she glances at me. I feel anxious and I tighten my small hand around Carver's.
"What's changed, Carver?" she asks.
"What?" he asks, her question throwing him off guard.
"You heard me...What's changed?" she asks.
"Perhaps, I have grown up, Isabela unlike you... Now if you will excuse us," he says as he attempts to walk past her, but she stands her ground.
"Wait...Do you...Carver? Really?" she asks and she can't hide her amused smile.
"What is to you, Isabela?" he murmurs.
"I'm just interested. I don't think I have ever seen you so...I don't know...Happy? At peace, maybe?" she murmurs,
"Perhaps I am, but...Isabela, don't spoil this for me...For Merrill... It is all very new and I would appreciate some sensitivity from you... Or are you jealous? Because if you are, I am going to tease you senseless about it," he says.
"Me? Jealous? Of course not... I just thought...Oh balls. Never mind...I clearly... No, I wasn't thinking clearly. Damn that dwarven ale. It loosens my tongue." She shakes her head in wry amusement and just like that, the tension ebbs and he is able to relax. "Things looked pretty intense there for a minute... I am really sorry for being such a tart, Carver... I hadn't realised...Sweet Maker... I never thought I would see the day..." She wanders back to her table, shaking her head. I chance a glance at him. He catches my eye and abruptly sits down, taking me with him and I find myself sitting on his lap.
"She is not a bad person, Merrill. She has a wicked sense of humour and she gives us a run for our sovereigns every time we play Wicked Grace. I personally think she cheats, but she is a lot of fun," he explains.
"She mentioned rutting...What does that mean?" I ask and he sobers immediately.
"Have you never...?" he trails away.
"Never what?" I ask.
"Oh...I don't know if I am the right person to explain it to you. Perhaps you should ask Mari...," he says.
"Why can't you tell me?" I ask and I suddenly remember him taking my hand and moving it along his... I lower my eyes and I want to curse myself for my lack of experience and plain naivety. I suddenly understand what rutting means, but it sounds so primal. I lean back and study him thoughtfully. I recall his naked chest from last night and I wonder what it would feel like having that pressed tightly against my naked skin and I blush... I look away from him and I try and ignore that longing deep in my stomach that has chosen now to remind how much I want him in that way... I slither rather gracefully off his lap and I sit next to him. I lean on the table and bury my head in my hands. I recall Marethari explaining what a couple does together to show their...love... Is this love I feel for him? I shake my head because I feel so confused. She told me that a couple who loves each other will eventually engage in the act to express their love for their spouse or partner. Is that what Marian was implying the other day when she told Anders that he could vent...later? Is this what rutting is because it sounds meaningless and I don't want to engage in something that is meaningless.
"Hey," he calls and I nearly jump out of my seat. I had forgotten where I was and I find that I cannot look at him and more than anything I want to go home and sort through my confusing feelings for him. I make a move to stand, but he grabs my hand.
"Please don't go," he whispers.
"I...I need time to think, Carver," I murmur.
"Why?" he asks.
"Because I am so confused right now..." I reply and he actually smiles at me. I should be annoyed with him, but I can't help returning his smile.
"Please stay, Merri?" he implores. He stands up and grabs my other hand. I gaze at him and his eyes are dark and full of...longing and it causes my stomach to clench in a pleasant way. He doesn't wait for me to say anything because he pulls me into the middle of the tavern and for the first time since we arrived, I hear music playing and it makes me want to dance. Sometimes we would take out our instruments and spend an evening of song and dance around Hahren Paivel's fire. I played several instruments, but the lute was my absolute favourite and with a sinking feeling, I realise I left in Keeper Marethari's aravel, but his warm hand on my waist drives the thought to the back of my mind and I look up and into his face.
"Do you even know how to dance?" I ask, a smile playing around my lips.
"Well, my Mother and Father taught us how to dance when we were younger... I am not that good, but you should see Mari and Anders – they dance beautifully," he replies. He clasps my right hand in his and he slowly moves backwards and soon I am lost in our dance and the beautiful music that is permeating the tavern. I laugh as he twirls me and he pulls me back into his arms. He moves well for a big man and he is so graceful. I look up into his animated expression and there is a look of pure enjoyment on his face and I giggle.
"What?" he murmurs as he pulls me flush against his body.
"You dance extremely well," I reply.
"You think?" he asks and he can't hide his pleasure at my compliment.
"I do," I reply.
"Mari and Anders are far better at this then I am," he murmurs.
"Well, I think you are dance well...for a shemlen," I murmur and he laughs into my hair.
"You are too kind, you know that?" he murmurs. I realise we are no longer moving. We are swaying to the music.
"You are too kind yourself," I murmur.
"Mmm...Not really... I am just trying to find my way," he murmurs. We stop moving altogether and everything fades around us. It is just Carver and I enjoying the simple pleasure of being in each other's company, but I can't help but wonder what he is hiding from me. With a start, I realise he has curled his hands around my buttocks and he is gently pressing me into him. I am all too aware of his erection digging into my stomach and my longing unfurls deep within me and I remember what he asked me.
"Carver, to answer your earlier question," I murmur. He pulls back, but he doesn't remove his hands from me.
"Yes?" he prompts.
"I have never been with a man before... I hope that answers your question," I murmur. He wraps his arms around me and nuzzles my neck.
"Yes...Yes it does," he replies.
"So what does it mean?" I ask.
"All in good time, Merri... You told me you want to take things slowly and I intend doing that exactly. We need to be ready for what it is going to mean. You need time and I need time, but I want to spend as much time with you getting to know you and everything. I want to do this the right way, Merri..." he replies.
"Mmm...Okay...," I murmur.
"Is that all you have to say?" he murmurs.
"For the moment, yes," I reply.
"Mmm... Would you like to have another dance?" he murmurs. I suddenly remember where we are and I realise the music has changed. It is more upbeat.
"Definitely," I reply. He grins at me and off we go.
"Hey, I play the lute," I inform him as we circle the dance floor a second time.
"Really?" he asks.
"Really," I reply.
"You must play for me sometime. I would like to hear you," he murmurs.
"I wish I could, but I left it at the camp and I don't feel like going back just yet to collect it," I murmur.
"I can go with you if you want. I will ensure that no harm befalls you," he murmurs. I step back without releasing his hands.
"You would do that for me?" I ask.
"Merrill, right now, I would just about do anything for you and yes, I would take you back so that you can collect your lute and I will protect you," he replies.
"You are too kind, you know that?" I murmur. He grins at me as he pulls me back into his arms and we resume our dancing. He lifts me onto his feet and I slip my arms around his neck. I am nearly eye-level with him and again, I feel that electrical charge between us. I close my eyes and all it does is make me more aware of his erection. He wants me...He really wants me... I am tempted to kiss him. I open my eyes and I am about to kiss him when the patrons erupt into loud cheers and again, our moment is spoiled. The cheering gets louder and he turns around enabling me to see what is going on and Mari and Anders stand in the middle of the tavern. The music changes and becomes softer. Anders places his hand on her hip while he grasps her other hand and they dance. Carver releases me and wraps his arms around me as Anders twirls Marian. They move seamlessly and gracefully. Both bodies blending and merging as one. It is beautiful to see. They circle the tavern a second time and then they dance their way to where we are standing.
"Hey," she greets me before he dances away from us, but she steers him back towards us.
"Had a good day?" she asks.
"Mari, come on. You can speak to them later," Anders protests.
"Oh alright, my love," she murmurs and off they go. At this point the patrons have formed a circle around the floor and they are cheering them on.
"I take it this happens fairly often?" I ask.
"It happens often enough... Would you like to sit and have something to drink?" he asks.
"Yes please," I reply. He grabs my hand and we wander to our table. I sit and he heads to the bar to get me a cider. I resume watching Marian and Anders. They dance exceptionally well together. It makes me wonder what else they do well together and I quickly lower my eyes. I am blushing...again and I want to curse my wayward thoughts, but that is pushed aside when Carver places a mug of cider in front of me.
"What are you having?" I ask.
"Cider...I don't want any hard liquor. Not right now," he replies.
"They do dance well together," I comment.
"I know," he murmurs. We lapse into companionable silence which is only broken by us setting our mugs down on the table. He reaches for my hand, turns it over and rubs my palm. I glance at him and there is uncertainty in his eyes.
"What is it, Carver?" I ask.
"Um...Have you had an enjoyable afternoon so far?" he asks.
"Yes...Yes...I have," I reply because I have enjoyed my afternoon and my morning with him.
"Excellent... Um...Merrill," he murmurs.
"Yes?" I encourage.
"May I spend the night with you again?" he asks.
"Yes...I would really like that," I reply.
"Good..." he murmurs. He leans back in his chair and I am tempted to sit in his lap. I stand and I am about to do just that when Marian and Anders joins us. I quickly sit down and grab my mug.
"Merrill, may I dance with you?" Anders asks. I eye his proffered hand and then I glance at Carver who has a look of annoyance on his face.
"Brother, may I dance with you?" she asks.
"What for? I have someone to dance with," he replies.
"I insist... Please?" she says.
"And I insist, Merrill," Anders says kindly. I decide that I better oblige, so I take his hand and he pulls me to my feet leaving the Hawke siblings in a silent battle of wills. I glance back once and he is taking her hand and for a brief moment, I see absolute pleasure in his eyes. I look away, feeling hurt and rejected. There is definitely something more than sibling affection between the two of them, but that is pushed to the back of my mind as Anders places his hand on my hip and grabs my hand.
"So, how has your day been with the younger sibling?" he asks.
"It was going well until a few minutes ago," I reply.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Anders, what is going on between them?" I ask. He frowns and his eyes darken considerably.
"Unresolved issues. It is not my place to tell you. I am sure he will tell you when he feels the time is right," he replies.
"That is unlikely..." I murmur as we circle the tavern.
"Why do you say that?" he enquires.
"There is something he wants to tell me, but every time, he holds back or changes the subject," I reply.
"That is typical of Carver. He has always had difficulty in expressing his feelings about certain things," he murmurs.
"He seems to be pretty open with me...To a point," I murmur.
"Really? That is surprising... He obviously has feelings for you...And you, Merrill?" he asks kindly.
"I like him, Anders. I won't deny that, but I am very confused as well... I have never felt this way before and it's so confusing and sometimes he confuses me," I murmur. He frowns and stops dancing altogether and I turn around. Carver and Marian are having an argument about something.
"Your made you decision, Marian and now I am making mine," he yells.
"But I thought..." she says.
"What? I am tired of your games, Mari. You cannot keep doing this to me," he continues.
"Games? You started it, Carver. You made the first move and you have the audacity to say I am playing games when all along you have been playing them and I am not doing anything to you," she says.
"You are and you know it. You frustrate me, Mari and now I am even more confused. I told you I have made my decision...Why can you not accept that?" he asks. "Or are you jealous of the possibility that I may have found someone?" he murmurs.
"What? Why would I be jealous when I am going to marry the man I love with all my heart?" she asks.
"Then what is this?" he murmurs.
"I...I don't know..." she murmurs.
"Sis, please, I love you and I always will, but she makes me feel happy and at peace...,"he murmurs.
"But Carver," she murmurs.
"No...Mari...I was wrong...This is wrong and I putting my foot down. I want to spend time with her... Please just give me a chance...You know how messed up I am. Maker, you know better than anyone else and all I ask is for your support," he murmurs. I look away. I have heard enough. It is painfully obvious to me what is going on. He loves... She obviously loves him. My heart clenches painfully and I turn away.
"Oh Merrill...I am so sorry you had to see this...Come with me and perhaps I can shed some light," Anders says kindly.
"No...I don't need it be explained to me...How can you accept it, Anders?" I ask.
"Because I love Mari and the reason things are the way they are between them is due to past circumstances and it is not my place to tell you because it is a family matter and a sore point, but I love her with all of my heart and she loves me just as deeply. I understand her more than she understands herself and I better intervene before things get explosive," he murmurs. I turn my attention and they are still shouting at each other. I cannot watch anymore. I sneak my way through the crowded tavern without looking back and I slip out unnoticed and into the early evening. I am close to tears and I stumble my way blindly in what I hope is the direction of the Alienage. I have never felt such pain in my life. Marian and Carver have an unhealthy relationship and for all I know, his words meant absolutely nothing. The tears are streaming down my cheeks so much so that I am blinded. I cannot see where I am going and a pair of hands grabs me.
"Well, well, well...What do we have here?" I look up and into cold grey eyes of an unknown shemlen. He has blonde hair and his expression is hard. He tightens his hold on me until I cry out in pain.
"Hey fellas, look what I have here... One of them knife ears and she is...Maker, she is damn pretty," he calls. Cold fear surrounds me and I struggle against my assailant, but he pushes me back into the wall.
"I wonder what she looks like under this," he says as drags his dagger between my breasts. He nudges the material aside and he whistles.
"Such fine tits for a knife ear," he says coldly, menacingly and tight fear closes over my heart. I can use my magic, but that might do more harm than good. He licks his lips and my skin crawls. I feel my magic stir, but he pushes himself flush against me and runs his grubby hands down my arms, to my sides and down my thighs. He works his way up and to my... I close my eyes.
"I wanna see her naked," another man says and I chance opening my eyes. A man with dark green eyes is smiling greedily at me and I start screaming as they both start pawing me and pulling my clothes off.
"Shut your mouth, you bloody knife ear. You come into our city and steal our jobs and we walk the streets. You better shut your mouth or I will shut it for you," he warns. I ignore him and the sound of flesh hitting flesh silences me. He punches me again and my neck snaps backwards causing my head to make contact with the hard wall and I see stars. I must not pass out...I must not pass out... I chant in my head. I am brought back to the now but the sound of them unzipping their pants. They roughly turn me around and push me up against the wall and I seize struggling. There is nothing I can do with two strong shemlens who... I lose my train of thought when I hear a startled gasp. I don't want to look but I hear fists hitting flesh.
"You bloody bastards! I will kill you!" It's Carver and out of the corner of my eye, I see flashes of blue light.
"Shit...Carver." It's Anders and I see more flashes of light. I feel someone wrap their arms around me. I expect it to be Carver and I raise my eyes and I look directly into a pair of light blue eyes.
"Marian," I croak.
"I've got you...Here," she says as she removes her cloak. She wraps it around me and my knees buckle. I slide to the ground, curl myself into a ball and weep.
"Merrill," Marian murmurs as she cradles me. I see more flashes of light and I hear lots of cursing and then there is silence. I want to pass out, but I fight it...I don't want to be in that cold, dark place. I hear footsteps and very gently someone lifts me into his arms and immediately I realise who it is. Carver...
"Mari, her clothes," he murmurs.
"I know...Help me Andy," she murmurs.
"Where should we take her?" Carver asks.
"My Clinic...I have to examine her...And Mari, we have to speak to Aveline...These streets are not safe as we know..." he says. I tune out of their conversation and I focus my attention on Carver who is looking at me with absolute concern in his eyes.
"It's my fault...I shouldn't have said what I said," he murmurs.
"Brother now is not the time to discuss this with her. She's been through enough and we need to get her to safety," she says.
"Carver," I whimper as I find the strength to slip my arms around his neck and I weep.
"I've got you, sweetie," he murmurs.
"Carver," I whisper and that is the last thing I remember before I succumb to darkness.
o0o
My head feels funny as I slowly fight my way out of my sleep. I hear the sounds of water and then I feel the pleasant sensation of someone washing my back. I fight the last dregs of my sleep and I open my eyes. I try to make out my surroundings as my vision slowly shifts back into focus. I am in an unfamiliar place and it feels strangely comforting. It smells of Lyrium, wood and grass and as my vision clears, I see quite a few makeshift cots. I also notice a desk that is currently occupied by someone, but what draws my attention is that whoever is washing me has stopped and I attempt to turn onto my back, instead familiar hands grip my shoulders and ease me onto my back and I look directly into the eyes of Carver. I am so pleased to see him. I want to sit up, but he gently pushes me back onto the pillow.
"Take it easy, Merrill," he murmurs.
"No...Please...Carver..." I murmur.
"Take it easy," he murmurs, but I won't hear it. I want to be in his arms and I struggle against his firm, yet gentle hold on my shoulders..
"Shit...Anders..." he calls as he tries to hold me down, but I want to be in his arms. I don't care that I am naked and that my face is throbbing madly.
"Carver, please," I whimper.
"She's awake...That is excellent news...," Anders says.
"Carver," I whimper. I can't seem to get my message across and he is still trying to hold me down.
"Oh for the Creators sake, Carver, hold me," I blurt out and the surprise is evident in his eyes.
"Please," I murmur.
"Anders?" he asks. I realise he wants reassurance.
"Carver, if she wants you to hold her, than do so. There is nothing more comforting than having someone you care about, hold you," he murmurs, smiling and Carver still makes no move and I have had enough. I throw back my sheet and I stand rather unsteadily on my feet.
"Merrill, you need to," Carvers says. I ignore him as I settle myself on his lap. I wrap my arms around his neck and I close my eyes.
"Merrill," he murmurs as he gently wraps his arms around me.
"Just hold me," I murmur.
"Well, what did I tell you?" Anders asks, amused and I want to smile and I do.
"She is naked, Anders," he murmurs.
"So? You can't tell me you haven't seen a naked woman before," he says. I feel him blush and I chuckle.
"Can you pass the sheet to me?" he asks and shortly thereafter he wraps the sheet around me.
"Merrill?" Anders asks.
"Mmm?" I reply.
"Would you like a cup of tea?" he asks.
"Yes please," I reply. I hear a door close, but I don't have the strength to open my eyes.
"Merrill, why did you run off like that?" Carver asks.
"I was upset, Carver. You and Marian?" I murmur.
"That is sorted... for the moment," he replies.
"For the moment? What in the Creator's name is that supposed to mean?"
"I don't want to talk about it. I am just grateful that no serious harm was done to you, otherwise I would not be able to forgive myself especially since it was my fault in the first place," he says softly, sincerely and I decide to let it rest. He would tell me eventually, but for now I was too happy being in his arms. I open my eyes and kiss his chin. He gasps, looking at me with surprised blue eyes. I kiss him again. I run my tongue along his chin and jawline. He tastes of lilies and grass mingled with his Carver smell that reminds me of home and all things nature. I pull myself up and wrap my legs around his waist. We are eye-level now. I go back to kissing his jawline and he lets out a low rumble that resonates in the pit of my stomach and I feel him stir beneath me. I cup his face and I search his face for any sighs of uncertainty and I find none. He slides his hands along my back, to my neck where he curls his hand around it. He leans closer. His colour is high and his eyes are dark blue. I lean closer, but before I can do anything more, he gently pulls me close and he kisses me. He nibbles my bottom lip and I part my lips. He darts his tongue into my mouth. It feels warm and pleasant and I sigh. I delve into his mouth and our tongues begin a wild dance. He tightens his arms around me, deepening our kiss and I moan. He is relentless in his exploration of me and by his erection digging into me, he wants far more and I slowly move on him and he groans low in his throat. I move that bit faster and he elicits a low sigh.
"Shit, Merrill. What are you doing to me?" he murmurs.
"I have no idea," I murmur. He pulls back and laughs.
"Mmm...Perhaps one day I can show you," he murmurs and with a sinking feeling, I realise that tonight is not the night. I look away from him and I feel humiliated and rejected. I attempt removing myself from his lap, but he does not let me go.
"Wait...Where are you going?" he asks. I hear the pain in his voice and I look into his eyes.
"To bed...Care to join me?" I murmur, trying and failing to hold back my tears.
"Merrill, we will, I promise, but you have been through a lot this evening and I want our first time to be really special. I don't want to rush things with you... I care too much... I realised that when I saw those men assaulting you. I was so angry and then when I saw you wrapped in Mari's cloak while she held you and all your clothes were strewn about, I realised something else..." he says.
"What?" I whisper.
"Merrill isn't it obvious?" he murmurs.
"What?" I ask. I am very confused. I don't know what he is on about.
"Oh Merrill, I am falling in love with you," he murmurs. I stare at him in disbelief...
"What?" I manage to croak out.
"I am falling in love with you," he replies.
"You...What?" I murmur. I can't believe what I am hearing. He frowns and lowers his eyes, but not before I see the confusion in them. He appears to be thinking and before I can say anything, he presses his lips against mine. He nibbles my bottom lip and I moan. I curl my hand around his neck, gently holding him in place. He deepens our kiss and I mould my lips to his, deepening our kiss even further. Eventually he breaks it off and we are left feeling rather breathless.
"Does that answer your question?" he asks.
"Mmm...It does...," I reply and I start laughing, but it is quickly quelled by my throbbing face that chooses now to make itself known and I start crying.
"Merri...," he murmurs. He stands and gently lowers me into the cot. He pulls the sheet up around my chin and he kisses my forehead.
"Let me see what is keeping Anders...I won't be long," he murmurs.
"Please...Please don't leave me alone," I sob.
"I won't be gone for long, I promise," he murmurs. He kisses my forehead again and then he is gone and I am alone. I am in a strange place and I feel so alone even though I know they are nearby. My face is throbbing madly and my body is tingling from our kiss. Not even that comforts me. I curl myself into a ball and I sob. I force myself to think about Sundermount – the mountains, the rivers, the trees and a wave of homesickness sweeps through me. I miss Marethari and the sounds of the aravels creaking in the winds. I have been in Kirkwall for a week. I have met a good man and I have been assaulted. It is just too much and he is taking far too long. Fear constricts my chest and raw panic sets in. I need him.
"Carver...Carver..." I call as I stand. I head for the direction I think he went, but I lose my sense of direction as numbing shock sets in and I slide to the floor wrapping the sheet securely around me.
"Carver!" I yell. A door opens.
"Merrill?" he calls.
"Carver," I whimper and then he is beside me.
"Sweetie," he murmurs, gently lifting me in his arms and I am so pleased to see him, fresh tears spring anew. He smiles at me.
"You really should be in bed," he murmurs.
"I am afraid..." I murmur.
"Hey, there is no need to feel like that. I am here..." he murmurs.
"Why did you take so long?" I murmur.
"I...I was chatting to Mari...We both feel awful about what happened. We have made amends for now. We still have a lot of issues to resolve, but my primary concern is you...And I am really sorry you had to witness my sister and me fighting," he murmurs.
"It...It doesn't matter... I just want you to stay," I murmur.
"And I intend doing that, but I don't know how. There aren't many beds here. You are on the only bed," he says as he helps me onto the bed. He tucks the sheet around me and gives me a kiss. He moves the chair closer and sits. He reaches for my hand and entwines our fingers. He gently rubs my knuckles with his thumb and for the first time in I don't know how many hours, I relax.