A/N: This story is coming to an end. On this chapter we come close to acknowledge Lindsay's past. I'm updating the final chapter real soon.
On italic words we have Lindsay's memories; the centered italic words are part of a song from Keith Urban, called "Tonight I Wanna Cry". I borrowed them. Hope he doesn't mind.
Again, I only own Brian Doherty. The other characters belong to CBS.
Thank you so much for your reviews. It helped me a lot and kind of gave me the incentive to go on. So, PLEASE, read it and tell me what you think of it, give me any opinions, ideas if you want. It is really important to me know how you feel this story.
Thank you for reading it. :)
Chapter Four
Lindsay raised her head quickly, staring at Danny. She actually hadn't listened to his question. She was lost on her own thoughts.
"What?" she frowned.
"You heard me Montana! Who is Brian Doherty? Why is he here lookin' for you with magnolias on his hands?" Danny spoke fast, each word full of an irritation that only covered his fear of losing her.
"Brian's here?" Lindsay jumped out of the table to the floor, walking towards the door "Where is he? Is he downstairs?"
"Why you're not answerin' me?" Danny grabbed Lindsay's arm, stopping her from walking to the door.
"What is wrong with you?" Lindsay disentangled her arm from Danny's grip, which didn't react, although his all body was tense and his gaze screaming pain and confusion "You can't possible think…" she shook her head, looking down, her face tensing and suddenly she locked her eyes with Danny's "What kind of woman do you think I am? Like these girls you're used to hook up?"
"I didn't say---" he tried to touch her again, but she stepped away and that hurt more than any ache Danny had ever felt before. She was pulling away. Away from him. Him!
"You didn't have to Danny. It was written all over your face." Danny moved on her direction, but Lindsay put her hands up, sign of stop "Don't Danny. Don't touch me, don't come close to me, just don't! I wouldn't bear it."
Danny passed his hand through his hair, his jaw clenching tight "You still didn't answer my question. It's what you seem to do better lately…" he looked straight at her, cursing himself when he saw tears dancing in her eyes, knowing he was the reason of them.
Lindsay swallowed hard before she answers him "I don't have to tell you anything, Danny, but for the record, Brian Doherty is my older brother." Danny's eyes widened in shock "Half-brother in fact. Brian's father died in Vietnam. Brian was three years old. Four years later my mother remarried with my father. Brian kept his father's name, though. Way of honour him, I think." Danny still silent while Lindsay's voice became tired "My mom is a florist and plants flowers on the ranch. We used to help her gather them. Guess what? I usually picked up the magnolias." Lindsay walked to the door, her hand on the knob.
"Lindsay…"
"You know what they mean?" Lindsay turned to Danny, hand still on the knob. He shook his head no, because words were more than trapped on his throat "Besides nobility it means dignity, Danny. And my dignity wouldn't allow me to involve with you the way I did if I was already involved with someone else." she wiped a tear that escaped "And you know what hurts the most? To know that you thought that, to feel that the first thing it came up to your mind when you saw him was that he had to be romantically involved with me."
"I never said that!"
"Okay, then deny it. Look at me in the eyes and say it didn't cross your mind."
Danny looked away, hands on his hips, trying to prevent his own tears from falling, because now he knew she was slipping away. For good… Far away… And he was about to lose what gave sense to his life.
"That's what I thought." Lindsay gulped, her last hope of being wrong faded "I'm going to meet my brother now because I don't see him since I moved here." and she turned the knob, opening the door and leaving. Leaving Danny behind. Again… Standing alone. Again…
When Danny reached the already closed door he didn't opened it. He locked it, leaning his back on it and sinking to the floor. And he cried. Alone. In a NYPD room he let his tears down, almost sobbing, realizing how much he already missed her touch, her scent, her kiss, her laugh; knowing what he wanted to share with her and was now away from becoming true; hurting on what he hadn't even lived with her.
"Brian!" Lindsay called the 6'1'' tall man, when she saw him at the entrance door of the precinct. He turned around, big smile on his face, while he opened his arms to receive her. She hold him on his waist and he brushed her hair.
"Hey tiny girl! How's New York been treating you? Let me look at you." they pulled apart and Brian scanned Lindsay from head to toe and focused later on her face "You look tired. Have you been working too much? You always worked too much back home. Have you been eating properly? I remember how you barely eat – lack of time you said."
"God Brian, I missed all of this…babbling." Lindsay was openly laughing now and grabbed the magnolias from her brother's hands "Are these for me?" she buried her head on it, feeling and sniffing them, memories of home invading her mind.
"You know they are." Brian's smile faded a little "You also know what day is today and tomorrow. And I didn't want you alone, at least on one of them. You left almost a year ago, but it is the first time you're away from home on this particular day. And you couldn't be okay. I know you aren't…"
"Where are Sue and the kids? How are you here, I mean---" Lindsay was putting up a front and trying to change the subject.
"Lindsay, don't run from this."
"I'm not, Brian! I just don't wanna discuss this here. I work here, okay?
"You haven't told anyone?"
"No."
"You should have talked to someone! It's not good keep that so bolted inside of you. It will explode sooner or later, sweetie." Brian's concern was detectable by far on his voice "Absolutely no one knows?"
"Mac knows – he read my file, so he knows." voice low and gaze on the floor "And Danny is bugging me about it."
"Danny? Montana guy?" Brian's eyebrow arched "Is this the same guy that went to call you?" she nodded "I didn't even relate it. I should have told him I was your brother. And analyze him a little better. After all, he has my sister's heart." Lindsay smiled sadly, remembering what had happened ten minutes ago "And I bet you stole his too."
"I don't know…" Lindsay sighed "Will you wait here? I'll go get my stuff and we can head to my place. Where are Sue and the kids anyway? And you didn't tell me why you are here…"
"I'm here because I want to be with my little sister. Sue stayed at home with the kids. I have this conference about Equine Practitioner tomorrow at The School of Veterinary Medicine, in Tufts University. I rented a car and I'll be driving there this evening."
"But that's in Massachusetts! And it's not exactly Boston… I mean, it's almost four hours from here…"
"I know. That's why I'll be living right after we have dinner together. And the hotel is already booked, so… I really wanted to see you today, so I came early. I'll go to the conference and I'll be back again. I won't be able to be here tomorrow, though." sorrow on his voice.
"There's nothing going on tomorrow. You know I don't care for that." she shrugged.
"You don't care for that for the last four years. Before that, you did." Brian stroked her arm when he felt her memories were back with full strength "It will be okay, Lindsay, you'll see. You can't keep living like this. You're nearly twenty-nine. You have all life in front of you. And you have to start living it!"
"I'm gonna get my stuff." Lindsay mumbled.
Danny was closing his locker when Lindsay walked in the locker room. He had gone there to wash his face, expecting to erase any signs of what the last thirty minutes had been for him.
They stared at each other, no muscle movement for what it seemed an eternity.
"I'm…uh…I-I need to…" Lindsay pointed her locker, Danny still looking at her, like he wanted to memorize every detail of her features.
"Your brother stills downstairs?" Danny managed to ask. She nodded, while she grabbed her coat and her purse. Danny looked at the flowers, lying on the bench close to her "Those would fit well on your desk."
Lindsay looked at him surprised and for the first time she noticed the unmistakable marks of tears on his intense blue eyes and her heart tightened and she hold her breath a little. He didn't move and didn't try to cover his ache. It hurt so much being so close, let away so far, that it had become a physical pain.
"Lindsay, we're gonna have to talk about this...uh…this…" he sighed "about us. Sooner or later. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take." he whispered.
Lindsay just nodded "My brother has a vet conference tomorrow in Massachusetts. He'll be living today, but he wants to take me to dinner first. I better go. He gotta drive 'til North Grafton, so…" she hoped he noticed she was just delaying their talk. She wanted to talk with him too. She didn't know the end of it, didn't know how the two of them would be after that, but this situation was unbearable.
"That's a long drive." Danny didn't want to let go the chance to connect with her again "So, you're brother is a vet?" he came closer. Danny Messer was the master on that. He was approaching her inch by inch, expecting she'd be distracted by the conversation. He had to bond with her again. No matter what…
"Yeah." her smile was tiny, but it was there. She was smiling at him and if he could he would have tossed fireworks "He took a degree on Animal and Range Sciences, at Montana State University. And then he went to Washington and took a vet degree in Pullman." her pride for him was noticeable. She then noticed Danny was really, really close and she stepped away a little "I-I gotta go."
Danny gulped and cleared his throat "I'll go down with you. I'm leaving anyway." he opened the door for her and they walked in silence until they reached the elevator. She was frantically looking for something on her purse.
"God! I can't believe this! Can this day go any worst?" Danny lifted his eyebrow questioningly. Her abrupt reactions had been a constant recently and that was totally out of her character "Damn." he didn't remember ever hear her cursing "I forgot my cell phone. I have to go get it. I'm on call tonight. Will you tell my brother---"
"Don't worry. I'll tell him to wait." he got in the elevator, seeing her disappear in the locker room again.
Danny reached the reception where he spotted Brian Doherty, not before looking around for a while. He hadn't paid much attention the first time he saw him. His mind was racing trying to answer all the questions he was mentally posing.
Brian was sat in a chair, reading some documents. Danny deduced it was something related with the conference.
"Dr. Doherty." Brian rose from the chair, shaking the hand Danny had hold in front of him "I'm sorry about earlier. I was---"
"Trying to figure out who I was." Brian completed, smiling frankly "And please, not Dr. Doherty. I'm aware I'm eight years older than Lindsay, but not enough to be called Dr. outside professional settings."
"Well, Montana…" Way to go Messer! Call her Montana when you're talking to her OLDER brother. he thought, rubbing his mouth, like he could take back what he had said "Sorry. Hum… Lindsay forgot her cell on her locker. She'll be down in a couple of minutes."
"I like the Montana name. But is good that Lindsay is a little delayed. I'd like to have a few words with you if that's okay."
Danny didn't hide his surprise "A few words? With me?" the both man sat on the nearest empty chairs.
"Yes. And don't worry. If you've had lived with Lindsay since ever you'd have learned you can't be overprotective. She hates that someone threatens her independence. Not even her father won the right to do it, so… I found out since she's sixteen that she can take care of herself." Danny grinned, knowing from self-experience how Lindsay was independent "But that doesn't mean I don't worry about her, specially since she moved here." Danny was silent, just nodding at what Brian was saying to him "Lindsay doesn't express herself emotionally like most women. You have to learn how to get to her so you can read her. After that, she's an open book. Besides me, I don't know much people who actually can reach her that deep. But I know you're very close to it, because I know what you mean to my sister." the both man looked in the eyes and Brian smiled. Life experience gave him the gift of reading people and Danny's feelings were detectable in every gaze, every movement, every breath "And I can almost swear she means a lot to you."
Danny sighed, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, hands intertwined, head a little down because his feelings were very close to the surface right now and he couldn't possibly face another person in the eyes when he was like that. At least, no one else besides Lindsay. But he felt he could trust Brian and open up a little to him. He was giving him space for that.
"I really care about your sister, Doc… I mean, Brian. I never thought I could actually felt this way. We always teased each other from the beginnin'." Danny grinned, remembering their interactions "She's the only one who can puts me at my place, ya know?"
"I know, believe me! She does that a lot…"
"We worked a lot of cases together and that brought us close. Lately, she's been… I don't know… Weird, not actin' like she used to. She was always so focused on the job, diggin' deep into everythin', willin' to learn. These days she had been emotionally less controlled, on the edge…" Danny looked at his side and then back at Brian, almost expecting Brian might have the magic answer for Lindsay's changes of demeanour.
"I know what you're talking about. And before you ask, yes, I know the reason of that."
I knew it! Danny thought. Silently he pried Brian Doherty revealed it, but knowing he wouldn't. He admired it. Danny himself wouldn't have said a word if he was on Brian's position.
"It's not my call to say a word about it, Danny. And I know you understand. Lindsay will tell you when she's ready. She doesn't trust a lot of people about her personal life, but here, if she's going to trust someone, it will be you. I know my sister enough to tell you that she's afraid of disappoint you, that you step away---"
"Not a chance!" Danny's answer was firm and even he was surprised with his vehemence.
Brian smiled "There is one thing I can tell you about my sister, though."
Lindsay walked to her brother and saw Danny sat right next to him, talking. She frowned, but went towards them.
"Good to know you two are getting along…" her voice had a bit of sarcasm on it, but she was secretly thankful for that.
"I was hoping you suggest a restaurant, but you're here about a year, so I guessed a native New-Yorker would have better suggestions."
"Well, my Italian side always speaks louder, so my suggestion was Il Palazzo. It's not expensive, good food, fine environment."
"Thanks for the tip Messer."
"You're welcome Montana!" he smiled, watching her arching an eyebrow on the use of her nickname "You better go or you won't get a table. Nice to meet you Brian."
"Thanks. Same here." they shook hands in the presence of a very shocked Lindsay, that felt something was escaping from her perceptiveness "Let's go, sis. I have to hit the road tonight."
It was almost midnight. Lindsay was at her living room, sat on the couch, lights off, knees embraced by her arms and chin on top of them. It had been a long two days for her, a total riot of emotions. She looked at the magnolias on her side table and remembered her brother's words when they were dinning.
"You can't hide behind what happened forever. You stopped living Lindsay. At least the way you deserve it. You're an incredible woman and I am proud of what you became. I want you to awake up from that numbness and get what life is offering you. I'm not saying for you to forget it, but you have to leave it behind. Otherwise you'll continue to hurt yourself and worst, you'll hurt other people. And I'm not just talking family here, Linds. You know what I mean. And I know you – you couldn't live with the thought of Danny hurting because of you. Knowing you could have stopped it. You didn't have that chance four years ago, but you have it now. When I wanted to propose Sue and talked to you about it, you told me life was made of choices, remember. Well, it's time for you to make one."
'Tonight I wanna cry' from Keith Urban was playing on her stereo, silent tears falling down her face while she, once again, lived this same date, from four years ago, sensing once more the chaos, the pain, the guilt… And the song just kept playing…
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
Cell phone rang.
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Cell phone rang again and whipping her tears, clearing her voice Lindsay picked it up (she was on call, after all) "Monroe."
"'Night Montana." Danny's soft voice was on the other side of the line. The sound of his voice was everything she wanted to hear; everything she needed and she almost sobbed at the warmth she felt when she heard it.
"Danny…uh…" her voice cracked a little, but she regained some sound again "Is there any case?"
"No… Just me here, waiting for your permission to come in…"
"What?" she passed a hand through her messy hair, instinctively wiping her tears "Where are you?"
"Outside your apartment."
"Are you downstairs?"
"Na… Lovely Mrs. Mallory let me in."
"How? It's almost midnight!" Lindsay didn't believe Danny was there. He was joking around like always.
"She came to open the door to a neighbour of yours that forgot the key. And she saw me. And let me in. I guess she couldn't resist my charm." he giggled "C'mon Montana. Open the door."
"Right, like you'd be right there..." she walked to open the door because it was impossible Danny being there. He wasn't that crazy! Was he?
"Hey Montana!" he smiled when she opened the door and froze on her place, stunned, cell phone oh her ear "You can shut it down now." Danny pointed the cell, shutting down his own and putting it on his jacket pocket "Can I came in?" Lindsay was just staring at him shocked, with no ability to react at all. That couldn't be happening!
Since Lindsay didn't respond, he got in "Wow! It's dark in here!"
Lindsay finally moved and mechanically closed and locked the door, shut down her cell and switch on two small lamps with a pale light. She couldn't stand a full illuminated room right now.
"This is for you." Danny came closer and handed her a bouquet of three beautiful orchids "Do you know what they mean?" even with the pale light he hadn't miss the puffy red eyes and the tired look she had. All signs that she still suffering. And he would give anything to wash it away.
"Yes, I do." she answered him on a small voice, step by step regaining some control of herself. She went to the petite kitchenette and she got out of there with the orchids in a jar, putting them next to the magnolias.
Danny followed her all the time, studying her movements, giving her time to adjust to his presence in there. They both knew that tonight she was going to have to open up.
"Thank you Danny. They're beautiful."
"Looks like I found a new way to communicate with you…" he joked, half-serious. Lindsay laughed lightly, her eyes on the orchids and he shivered instinctively. How he had miss that sound!
"Why are you here?" Lindsay directed her gaze at him, watching him fully for the first time since he got in: faded jeans, tight navy-blue shirt and a black jacket. Every single piece fitted him perfectly and Lindsay gulped, cursing him for being so damn tempting and cursing herself for not being able to resist it.
"In ten minutes you're gonna turn twenty-nine." he said, checking his watch.
"What?" Lindsay's surprise was obvious. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind "How do you know that---"
"That tomorrow is your birthday? Do I need to answer it?"
"No." she realized what happened "You don't. Brian told you." he just nodded "So, he must have told you I don't celebrate my birthday." he nodded again "So what do you want Danny?"
"I want to know why." his calm and serene response caught Lindsay off guard and she gave in. She was tired of hiding it, pretend her life was perfect and act as if her behaviour had always been exemplary.
"Can I get you anything, Danny?"
He suppressed the need to say 'You are enough' and chose to joke a little more "You owe me a hot chocolate, remember?" his grin was mischievous when he looked at her in the eyes and for a few moments they were back at her entrance door, where they shared the first kiss.
"You're impossible!" she turned to the kitchenette again "Lucky for you, I just made hot chocolate." she reached two mugs while Danny took off his coat, letting it at the back of a chair. He had just sat up on the couch when she approached offering him one of the mugs.
"Thanks." he took a sip "This is good. This is really good! Where did you learn to do a hot chocolate like this?"
"Family tradition." Lindsay had sat on the couch facing Danny, with her back leaned on one of the couch's arms, both her legs on the couch, knees up, while she grabbed the mug with both hands, staring at the liquid chocolate inside of it "Back home, we used to sit around the fireplace, with hot chocolate, telling stories… Real ones, imaginary ones, reading it from books or inventing it ourselves… It didn't matter. We just sat there, telling stories." she looked straight at him, no hesitation on her gaze, only the need to know that she could trust him. His eyes replied not leaving hers, assuring her he was there for her "I wanna tell you a real story. My real story. Are you sure you're ready to hear it?"
A/N: The restaurant Il Palazzo is real and exists in Little Italy, NY (internet research).
The flower meanings are also real (I have this 'thing' for flowers, so…: magnolias nobility, dignity; orchids you know, love.