Disclaimer: Darker Charon realizes that he doesn't need to do the legalese each chapter, but does it anyway just to credit the wonderful Nagaru Tanigawa for his characters and setting and whatnot. He also appreciates the superb illustrations of Noizi Itou. As of December 2011, Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya has been available in North America and the U.K on DVD and on Blu-Ray. Go buy it if you haven't yet. The first six novels are also available for purchase in North America(and at least the first five in Europe). The seventh novel, Intrigues, will come to North America July 2012.

A/N: Story takes place during the fourth novel Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya. I have now seen the movie(and replayed the Yuki roof scene 10 times). I have also got my hands on the translations of all of the novels(including Surprise) and I have bought every Haruhi novel and manga that Yen Press has put out. Minor possible retcons with Yuki's whereabouts and also minor nods to Durandall's Kyon: Big Damn Hero including K:BDH's Higurashi stuff and Kyon's name. Only Tanigawa himself actually knows what Kyon's actual name is, but for the purposes of this story, I am using Durandall's speculated name for him which is Kyousuke Tadamichi. This story is not set in the same universe as K:BDH however so they are some differences.

Chapter 4: Despair

December 20, 2010 2 A.M JST

Koizumi looks like he is now pushing himself to stay awake. I only know too well what he is going through. It has now been about a day and half since Kyon's accident, and he's been in a coma even since and the reason has even baffled the best doctors here. I suppose this reinforces that even the best of us understand little about the human brain. Perhaps when we are able to find those elusive aliens, we'll be able to understand more about ourselves. Although since espers have to have something unusual about their brain, studying them would also lead to progress in understanding how our brains work and give us more understanding of human potential. Of course, there are always a few unscrupulous scientists who don't care about things like consent and basic decency and would use any method they wanted to in order to study them, so espers have to keep their abilities hidden from the world. Of course, the panic and the intolerance towards those who are different also keep them from revealing themselves. A time traveler would be no help since they have temporal noninterference regulations and such.

I also knew that any help from a slider would come from its own issues as well, such as people from parallel worlds having different biochemistry and such. Putting these thoughts aside, I ask Koizumi "Isn't it strange how even the experts have no idea why Kyon is in a coma?"

Koizumi said "There is still much that even the experts don't know, Suzumiya-san. I think I heard one of the doctors say something about it being some unknown variant of Hinamizawa Syndrome. Then I heard another doctor laugh and say something about not making bad jokes."

It had taken me about a minute to understand what Hinamizawa had to do with Kyon. Kyon had once said something about visiting relatives in Hinamizawa. I think he had mentioned that it was a rural village in the middle of mountains and it had a dense forest. His mother and her mention of his uncle Keiichi also make me recall that Kyon had said that his uncle Keiichi still lives there. Does this also mean that his mother was from Hinamizawa, and maybe this was even where Kyon was born? This is something I will have to remember to ask him about when he wakes up.

Of course, all of this makes me realize that I still know very little about Kyon. I know his real name of course, and it is as noble as he seems to be, and with a name like Kyousuke Tadamichi that is certainly a requirement. I vaguely remember that his birthday is in June as Kunikida had mentioned it sometime after we had played in that baseball game. I know that Kunikida and him were somewhat close friends in middle school, which I had envied a little since I didn't have any friends in middle school. I also remember Kunikida had mentioned that Kyon was friends with a "strange", tomboy-ish girl in his last year of middle school. I have not ever heard Kyon mention anything about her on his own, so they had to have lost touch when she went to a different high school. I had once been acquainted with a rather tomboy-ish girl, but was back in elementary school. She would use a masculine pronoun when referring to herself and she had beautiful long hair. I think I had tried to imitate a little of her too, since until this year, I had let my hair grow and grow. She was also the one who had said that "love is a disease". In some ways, I am still indebted to her and I have wondered what became of her since she had moved away.

Yuki walks into the room, and remembrance of things past will have to wait. I should try to get to know more about Kyon though. Koizumi motions for Yuki to talk to him, and they walk out together around a corner. I know they are likely talking about me, as they know that I haven't had any sleep since Kyon's accident.

December 20, 2010 8 AM JST

As Yuki is intently reading her book, and I see that she is almost waiting for something to happen. Maybe she's hoping for the same thing. And then she says very quietly

"Nymph, in thy orisons, be all my sins remembered."

I have heard those words before, but I can't remember when. "Yuki?" I ask.

She looks at me with what I think is surprise. "Oh, I didn't think you heard that." She looks downward. "I was just remembering Shakespeare's most famous soliloquy. Such powerful imagery."

I suddenly remember where I had heard that. I had heard it from one of Koizumi's rehearsals. Hamlet in my estimation was a masterful play, rife with psychological manipulation and political intrigue. Stoppard's Rosencrantz and Gilderstern was an absurd and entertaining gaiden to the events of Hamlet. It had the advantage of being much shorter too, as Hamlet is a four-hour long play if they leave everything in. "It certainly helps that one of the best Star Trek moves took it's title from that long monologue."

Yuki pauses for a few seconds before saying "Oh, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country".

Another thought just occurs to me "What are orisons anyway?"

Yuki says "Prayers or prayer books. The Kenneth Branaugh version tries to make that clear."

That movie had been my primary means of seeing the play brought to life. "I must have missed that." I seem to have missed quite a few things lately. Kyon on loose footing, the details of Kyon's life before me and Yuki's sorrow. That last one only just occurred to me. "Yuki…" I pause as I note this is the second time today that I have not used a honorific for her. "After our Christmas party, how were you going to spend Christmas?"

My book-loving friend looks up at me again with a slightly surprised look. It is hard to know for sure since she has such a stoic face. "Unless anything improbable happened, there was a high probability that I was going to experience another solitary anniversary of the birth of a carpenter from Palestine two millennia ago. I would have read an Isaac Asimov book, and then I would have ascertained the path to optimal conditions in the gaming simulation "My Girlfriend Is The President"."

So in short, she was going to read a book on robots, and play a galge game featuring aliens. "You always could ask me if you wanted to share a nice bowl of udon. I wouldn't mind cooking something for us and then bringing it over. And then maybe.." I lean in towards her and whisper "between the both of us, we can see about you having a hot date with a nice boy. Or girl, if you happen to swing that way."

Yuki's cheeks turned very slightly pink. "I appreciate you thinking of me, Suzumiya-san, but I….I should try to arrange dates on my own. And, perhaps you should not get too attached to me. My family may change their minds one day, and then we'd never see each other again, and I'd hate to cause you grief on my account. I have already done enough…."

I make sure Yuki doesn't finish her sentence. "No, don't go there. It's not your fault, Yuki." She looks up at me and then starts to say something again. "It isn't your fault."

She then tries again "Suzumiya-san, I was the closest one to him. If I had paid more attention…"

I find myself interrupting her again. "No, Yuki-chan. You couldn't have broken his fall. You would have been injured too, and then I….I…..I possibly would have had to attend a funeral over the Christmas break, and I…I would have had to disband the SOS Brigade. I wouldn't have been able to face any of you if Kyon or you had died. It would have been too painful as all of us would know that I failed in my responsibilities as your chief. As it is, you saved his life. I…I couldn't…..couldn't…do…anything." A torrent of moisture started to fall down my face. "Yuki…please forgive me." I lower my head to her.

She then gently grabs a hold of me and lets me sob in her warm shoulder. "Haruhi, in this instance, you have nothing to apologize for. But all the same, I forgive you." She lets out a very small sigh. "Koizumi and I have been very worried about you. I'm sure Asahina feels the same way too. You have been depriving yourself of R.E.M sleep for two straight days. Please…you needn't punish yourself for this. Kyousuke wouldn't want you to."

I just cannot stop the flood of tears. I know that Yuki would notice that I have not had any sleep, and I know that she and Koizumi would worry. Then she brings up him. "Even after, I humiliated him by forcing him to accept putting on a ridiculous costume for my own selfish reasons. Even after, I treated him worse than how a dog should be treated. And then, I was so wrapped up in my plans that I neglected him. And then he fell, because I didn't have the sense…..I took on the position of leading us, and I took on the burden of being responsible for all of you. And I forgot that he also needed things from me. And that was all because of my stupid pride."

"Even so, he still needs you. And we still need you, Haruhi." Yuki said in a gentle yet confident manner. "We need to guide us in having fun. And looking for mysterious phenomena. Who knows, you may be this close to finding aliens in Nishinomiya. Wouldn't first contact between a human and an alien best be handled by the girl who supposed that Martians are shy and have no ill will towards mankind?" She stops "Yes, I remember those nights in August. You never stopped trying to lead us on even when you felt Kyousuke had forsaken you in the middle of our movie shoot. Please….don't stop now. The SOS Brigade needs a healthy Brigade Chief, and I, as an individual, need you to look after your wellbeing because you are my friend. You are the kind of friend who plans a Christmas party just so I wouldn't be lonely. Even Kyousuke understands that about you. And he would do what he could to cheer you up. He did make up with you during our movie, didn't he? And he went after you when he felt you were feeling down after ENOZ thanked you in person."

The tears were flowing slower as if Yuki's words were a sudden rainbow across the sky. "Yuki….you knew that the party was for your sake?"

She nodded. "At heart, you are a good person and you know that I live alone. It doesn't take a great detective to be able to deduce your true reasons for our little hot pot. And, incidentally, you are a marvelous detective. Something that will aid us if you still plan on us doing a winter mystery at a ski lodge."

I don't know if I have the heart to do that without Kyon. I would hate to do a Brigade activity and leave him out of it. I know he'd enjoy a few days in the mountains, sipping on some hot cocoa. I hope that we can still do those things. "I just don't know right now. You know, at first I had wanted to find those mysterious things, and do it while I had Kyon on my arm. Then, I realized that it didn't matter what we were doing, just as long as he was there, I would at least enjoy something about it. Even if things got totally boring. I still had him, and he never bored me. Ever. If that isn't a miracle or a mystery, then I don't know what is. I think I liked pushing him around just so I could tease him, and then maybe he'd see the joke in it too. And then he'd smile. He has the most beautiful smile. It's too bad that I rarely ever see it. And that's what I hate most about this. I may never see him smile again, and it's because I was too dense to see that he was going to be in trouble." I sigh, looking at Yuki. "I'll try not to fail you ever again, Yuki."

End Chapter

Notes: One more chapter of the main story, and then an epilogue of fluff, and a few funny omakes.