Day 6

There's not really much to do here, especially when there's nobody to do it with. All day I've been walking around. I went outside, and there's snow everywhere. In some places, it's three feet deep. Everything is white, and desolate. The world seems empty.
It reminds me of myself. Cold, empty, unfeeling. I feel as though there's a constant blizzard inside of me, and I'm always frozen. My edges are razor sharp shards of ice, eaten away by the howling winds of grief. I don't hear when people try to speak to me. I don't talk, don't feel, don't hear. I just exist. And even that is a struggle. Every second is a struggle. I can't believe she's gone. I don't understand why God chose her, of all people, to take away from this Earth. Why did he choose Tris, alive, energetic, full of life and love? Why couldn't he take Peter, or Caleb? Or David?
I'll never know the answer. There probably isn't one. After walking around the compound, I came back here. Nobody's been in the dormitory since Tris died, maybe because they can feel her energy here more than anywhere else. Except the hotel room where we spent our last night together.
I haven't been able to build up the courage to visit that room yet. I don't know if I ever will. It seems too surreal, as though none of this has really happened, but in the next day or so it'll hit me. And now I'm sitting here, writing. I don't really even know who the fuck I'm writing to, because Tris can't read it, and I sure as hell wouldn't let anybody else. I think it's just a way of attempting to get my feelings out, because words can't do this hell justice. I'm sorry if the words are a bit blurry; the ink is getting smudged by my tears. Maybe Caleb can fix it. He's smart, after all. Smart enough to let Tris go in instead of him, because he probably knew he'd get killed. Maybe he thought he'd survive, but I doubt it. I don't write every day. Most days there's nothing to write, unless I wrote "pain" a thousand times over, which still wouldn't help. I guess that's all I really have to say. I hate this. I hate how I feel. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to live, I don't want to see, I don't want to breathe.
I don't want to exist.
But I have to. I know Tris would want me to live my life without her, and move on, and maybe the first can happen, but I will never be able to forget her. I'll never be able to be with someone like I was with her. She took my heart with her. And that's fine with me.