Carla put her hand on the door and took a deep breath. Part of her wanted to look down the street to where Peter's cab was pulling round the corner but she knew that if they made eye contact that she would regret it. At that moment in time Carla really couldn't deal with all of the emotions that would come with looking into those eyes again.
Slowly, Carla opened the door and went inside. She didn't know why she felt so nervous. It was just the Rovers. It wasn't like a bomb was going to go off when she went inside… although it felt like that to Carla. It felt like the world was going to end as soon as she went in; it had been ages since she had been inside. She preferred her own company nowadays. And now here she was going in to talk. It felt like an alien concept to Carla but if she didn't bite the bullet ow then she never would.
Carla almost breathed a sigh of relief when she walked in. The world didn't stop turning, no one died, everyone just kept going as normal. For once no one stared at her either. But instead of standing and taking ten deep breaths to stop her bolting like a spooked horse which was what she felt like doing, she strode over to the bar where Michelle and Sean stood serving punters their drinks. Now she was in public she had to keep up her dented façade. A considerable number of people had now seen with her guard down and knew how much she was struggling so part of Carla wondered what the point was. What was the point in putting on a front if no one believed it? But the more Carla put on a front, the more those people would believe that she was okay, even though on the inside, she was nowhere near being okay. The more people believed she had recovered; the less Carla had to worry about what other people thought of her because her reputation sorted that out for her. Maintaining her 'Queen Bitch' persona was the only thing that stopped Carla from legging it as far as possible but she couldn't bring herself to become the subject of people's pity yet again. Carla was done with people feeling sorry for her so she walked over to the bar catching Michelle's eye as she did so.
Contrary to everyone else in the pub, Michelle's jaw visibly dropped at the sight of her best mate walking towards her. Michelle hadn't meant to make it so obvious that she was shocked to see Carla in the pub but it had been a while. Michelle saw Carla falter slightly upon seeing her so she quickly rearranged her shocked expression into a warm smile.
"It's been a while since we've seen you in here" Michelle said with a laugh.
"Yeah, well here I am…" Carla trailed off , clearly not sharing her friend's enthusiasm.
Michelle wasn't fazed by this; she knew Carla was struggling but she figured that if she kept being up-beat, Carla might cheer up a bit. "What can I get ya?" Michelle asked.
"Actually 'Chelle, I was wondering if I could have a quick chat" Carla asked quietly, not wanting to attract the attention of Sally and Tim who weren't stood far away.
"Yeah, is everything okay?" Michelle asked, now starting to get worried about Carla.
"Not really, no" Carla replied looking down.
"Oh right, well go through to the back I'll come through in a few minutes" Michelle said, looking concerned
"Thanks 'Chelle" Carla said with a small smile before walking behind the bar.
"Carla can you send Liz through, I can't leave Sean all on his own" Michelle called after her.
"Course" Carla said quietly nodding back at Michelle.
"Hey you" Michelle said gently taking Carla's nearest hand, "thank you for coming to talk to me, I hate the thought of you worrying about something all on your own"
Carla sighed quietly and the corners of her mouth rose slightly into an almost-smile, then she walked through to the back room of the Rovers.
About 15 minutes later Carla was still sitting on the sofa, waiting for Michelle. She kept fidgeting nervously, unable to sit still. She felt so unsettled and on-edge. She hated talking about how she was feeling so it made absolutely no sense that she was going to voluntarily participate in what was bound to be an extremely lengthy chat about the ins and outs of her brain.
Carla looked up at the door, waiting for Michelle to walk though. The longer she sat there waiting, the more she was regretting not just going straight home. She didn't need to talk, did she? Carla knew she did but maybe tonight just wasn't the night for a cosy chat. Michelle was busy anyway, Carla reasoned, so really she would be doing Michelle a favour if she just went home.
Carla decided she'd had enough of waiting so she got up, picked up her bag and made her way to the door. She planned to just go through, apologise to Michelle and assure her everything was fine even though Michelle wouldn't believe a word of it, and then go to sit on her own sofa with a nice glass of red.
"Er, where do you think you're going" Michelle demanded when Carla walked straight into her on her way through to the bar. Carla just looked down, not wanting to look into Michelle's eyes.
"I was just…"
"Doing a runner" Michelle cut Carla off.
"No I were just " Carla started but she sighed when she looked at Michelle's raised eyebrows and obstinate expression that told her that she wasn't going to be going home without speaking to her first.
"Come on I'll get you a drink" Michelle said, steering Carla back through to the back room.
"Thanks 'Chelle" Carla said and she smiled. It was a weak smile, but it was a smile none the less.
Michelle smiled back. It had been so long since she'd seen Carla smile and she fully intended to make the most of it.
"Are you getting me that drink then or what?" Carla joked, sounding more like her old self.
"Oh yeah, sorry" Michelle apologised. She hadn't even realised she had stood there looking at Carla for so long, it had just been nice to see her best friend smile again after so much heartache.
Michelle poured two glasses of wine and carried them over to the sofa where Carla was now sat and handed her the glass.
"There ya'are" Michelle said with another smile.
"Thanks" Carla said softly. She didn't return Michelle's smile this time. Instead she just took a sip of the wine. Her mind was wondering back to Peter and that confusion and shock she had felt upon seeing him again was returning.
The distant look in Carla's eyes didn't go unnoticed by Michelle. She placed her hand on Carla's and looked into her eyes with a look of pure concern. "What's up?" she asked. She knew Carla would find it hard to tell her but Michelle knew that she had to ask. She had to show Carla that she cared.
At Michelle's question, Carla panicked. She couldn't do this, not now. Not ever.
Carla quickly put her drink down and stood up, not meeting Michelle's gaze.
"You know what 'Chelle, it can wait" Carla said quickly and made to walk away.
"Carla, please."
Carla stopped. She bit her lip and scrunched up her eyes, willing herself to keep it together. She felt like breaking down and crying all of the tears that she had bottled up inside herself from the past few months. But she couldn't. She couldn't show Michelle how lost she was, she couldn't admit how much she was struggling because then Michelle would want to help her. And Carla knew she would have to accept that help. It had been so long since she had let anyone help her. Her barriers were now so tight that she wouldn't even let Michelle in. Michelle didn't need to see how broken she was, it would only cause her more pain.
Carla felt Michelle's hand in hers. Carla closed her eyes again at her touch. It was as if she could feel Michelle's love for her passing through Michelle's hand and into her own. It was almost alien to Carla to feel the touch of someone who cares about her. Michelle was family. She was the closest thing to a sister Carla had ever had and she loved Michelle just as much as Michelle loved her. But that didn't make it any easier for her to open up and talk about how low she was feeling. She knew she had to though. She had to be brave.
"Please" Michelle whispered, her voice cracking with emotion.
Carla took a deep, shuddering breath. Michelle was practically begging her to stay and talk. Carla couldn't leave her; she couldn't hurt Michelle by walking away.
Carla slowly turned around and looked into Michelle's eyes. A tear slowly ran down Carla's cheek. Michelle saw the broken woman that Carla had become and felt like crying herself. She wanted to cry because of the sadness she felt at seeing her best friend in such a bad place. But she knew she couldn't cry; she had to stay strong for Carla's sake.
"Come 'ere" Michelle said, opening her arms.
Carla fell into Michelle's embrace and before she knew it she was sobbing into her friend's chest, unable to stop.
"It's okay darlin'" Michelle whispered, holding Carla tightly and rocking gently back and forth. She placed a soft kiss into Carla's hair, desperately fighting to stop her own tears from falling. "Everything's going to be okay".