Chapter 4.
Weeks were passing and the weather became more pleasant. The fruit trees started to blossom and the wind brought the sweet scents of the flowers. Herr Schindler came more frequently and he never forgot to bring some delicious wine or brandy for Amon and a few encouraging words to Helena.
The prisoners of the camp were working in the quarry, in the factories and on the fields harder than before. Despite all the hardships and the brutality of the guards they had to endure every day, somehow they felt a little more optimistic because they managed to survive the coldest weather and the scarcest selection of food.
They could obtain water instead of being forced to suck on ice outside the barracks while they were freezing in the piercing wind. Finally they didn't have to suffer from the low temperature and they had a little more to eat because fruits and vegetables became more available – at least for those who had a little money and who dared to run the risk of having some extra food smuggled into the camp. However, the warmth brought flies and mosquitos as well, and the people inside the barbed-wire fence couldn't properly enjoy the late spring that turned into summer rather quickly.
Helena had a lot to do as well, the spring-cleaning made her and Mila busy for a whole week. They were cleaning and sweeping all the rooms thoroughly, washing all the windows, dusting every piece of furniture and paintings, while the young Lisiek was beating the dust out of the carpets, imagining it was Amon's face he was beating. He didn't share his fantasy with anyone, and he was smirking happily that day. He was aware of his own guilty pleasure that was why he did his best to avoid Herr Kommandant and when he had to take care of the horses and meet him, he kept his eyes on the shiny boots with more concentration than ever.
Helena liked working and being busy, and she loved especially that the lovely warm weather kept Amon outside for a longer period of time. He went out riding more often, he made checks on the camp three times a day, walking around with his huge dogs, Rolf and Ralf, or sitting on his horse riding around the campsite. He stayed inside the house only for doing paperwork, having his meals and receiving his guests in the evening.
It became obvious for Helena that Amon was getting more and more obsessed with her but at the same time this didn't stop him from beating her.
His obsession was the sickest kind. He didn't touch her since the dinner party, it seemed that his unusual tenderness was a sign of the remote past. He still punished her with slapping or thrashing at least three days a week. His distorted face, his mad cold eyes, his inarticulate shouting would have frightened everyone but he was careful enough not to beat her in front of others. Somehow he was ashamed of himself not being able to control himself. He preferred committing it in the basement, mostly after dinner, just like a repulsive ritual before going to bed. He just couldn't stop punishing her physically.
Helena was still trembling in his presence, at least her stomach was, but her fear was slowly diminishing and turning into another kind of obsession as she started to give up hope of survival and she was unable to care about anything after losing her sister.
It was the middle of June when one morning Lisiek plucked up the courage to enter the kitchen, pretending to ask for fresh water. Helena filled a glass for him while he was looking around cautiously and she was watching him drink with huge gulps. It made her smile a little. Lisiek hated being the messenger and being the one who would wipe that smile away, but when Helena put the glass on the counter, he had no time to waste. Herr Kommandant was making a phone call in his study and he could finish it anytime. Lisiek clenched his fists and told Helena quickly and short what had happened.
It was the final blow to her.
Her father had been shot during the liquidation of the Kraków Ghetto, her mother had died of pneumonia by the end of the first week at the camp and now she lost her only remaining relative, her beloved sister.
Anna died of typhus, after hiding her failing condition for almost two weeks. She didn't want anyone to know about it because she intended to avoid being shot as the guards treated the ill inmates this way sometimes. She was too fragile and as she received no treatment, the infection spread in her body like some kind of flood. She fell into coma the previous afternoon and by the next morning she was dead.
Helena couldn't cry at that moment and she managed to hide her sadness as she always did. In her family they expressed their happiness or their love for each other, but the girls were taught to conceal their problems and pain in front of everyone else except their close family members. Helena forced the usual weak smile on her face while talking to Lisiek and serving lunch for Herr Kommandant.
However, Amon had a sharp eye and he noticed something on her that he couldn't explain. There was another thing that he was unable to explain to himself: why did he care about her?
- Helena.
She looked at him, patiently waiting for his request. Now she was totally indifferent, wondering if he had found some problems with the soup or with the second course.
- Herr Kommandant?
She was in such a horrible mood that this time she could tolerate his glance without looking away. Amon's eyes expressed an unseen concern that surprised her. How funny, she thought, those blue eyes aren't shining so madly now.
Amon stood up, leaving the half-eaten food on the plate and stepped closer to her, without taking his eyes off her.
- What's the problem?
Now Helena was getting terrified, she couldn't move and she tried to prepare herself for a slap. Amon seemed to be tense and it never meant a good sign when he tried to get closer to her.
- There is no problem, Herr Kommandant. – her voice didn't tremble though she felt herself in danger.
Amon's voice sounded so soothing that it was particularly frightening for her.
- Tell me. Maybe I can help you.
Helena shook her head only, meaning there was nothing to talk about. If she weren't so devastated about Anna's death, she would have laughed at the idea of Amon's helpfulness. But she was getting nervous and scared instead. She would have never shared her emotions or thoughts with such a Nazi monster who was responsible for Anna's death. He didn't shoot her personally as he had shot dozens of people, still it was his fault, it was his camp and his rules. If we shouldn't be in his damned camp, she thought, Anna would be still living, just like Mother and Father.
Amon was getting angry seeing her stubbornness.
- Tell me. Or I promise I will shoot you right now and you can take your little secret into your grave.
That would be the best, she thought, but somehow she didn't dare to say it aloud. Why didn't she shout it into his face? Why didn't she dare to choose death when she had the option? She didn't know but something inside her heart commanded her to keep her mouth closed.
- Herr Kommandant, I was told that my sister died. – she said, staring down at his boots and trying to hold her tears back.
Amon frowned and a flash of annoyance ran across his face. He put his hands on his hips and took a deep breath.
- Who told you that?
Helena felt the danger getting closer again. She wished she had been able to control her face and to keep her secret.
- Just someone down in the camp.
Amon looked through the window at the camp, then back at his maid. Outside it was getting dark and he could see only the searchlights and the outlines of the barracks. All those gossips among those damned Jews, he thought madly, they are always talking and talking, instead of doing their labour or simply dying.
- Just someone. – he made a little pause. - Is that someone called Lisiek?
Helena looked at him now. Her big brown eyes were almost begging and they were shining as if she had been close to tears. Actually now she was. Don't hurt him, please, her eyes were whispering, hurt me instead.
- Please, Herr Kommandant.
Amon enjoyed his power over her. She is scared, he thought, she is so scared like a rat in the trap, because she knows that I could crush her and all her damned Jewish friends within a second. Maybe I should do that, he wondered, and I could finally have a normal night's sleep. But this time it was enough for him to see her shaking from fear, to see her beautiful eyes filled with tears.
He hated when women cried in front of him and that sight made him even more apathetic towards people. But Helena was different. Her crying had another kind of impression on him. It didn't make him angry or disgusted but it had a rather disturbing effect on him. He wanted her to stop crying immediately. She has enough for today, he thought, looking deeply into her eyes, she lost someone important to her and she is already totally crushed. For today I will show some mercy, he made a sudden decision, surprising even himself.
- That is all right. Go.
Helena didn't move. She thought she must have heard his words wrong, therefore she didn't dare to leave.
Amon was angry and the tension in his body was almost palpable.
- I said go. Don't make me repeat it again.
Helena hurried out of the room, into the kitchen, where she threw herself on the chair and buried her face into her hands. She was now too scared to cry. Why did he let her go, without any punishment? What would he do with Lisiek? She wished she had been able to conceal the sad news from him.
About quarter an hour later suddenly she heard steps approaching the kitchen, then before she could jump up, Lisiek appeared at the door, looking so shy.
- Lisiek. Are you looking for something? – she smiled at the boy.
He seemed to be confused.
- I don't know. – he confessed on an unsure voice. - Herr Kommandant told me to come here and ask you if I could help you with something. He told me that he hates malingerers and that you always have a lot to do.
Helena didn't understand it. Amon never sent anyone but Mila to help her. Lisiek almost never entered the villa. Why did he send the boy to her now? How come he hadn't punished him? (Because it became obvious that Lisiek wasn't even told off, not mentioning any physical punishment.) She had a strange idea that Amon might have sent the boy to comfort her, to give her the possibility to share her mourning with someone similar to her? The idea seemed to be so unbelievably unrealistic and ridiculous that she could laugh. Amon the Good? Amon the Sympathetic? Was she dreaming?
She kept the boy in the kitchen, because she didn't want to disobey Amon's orders now. She didn't share her sadness with him, but they were talking about their days, then discussing the books Lisiek had read at school while he was given some mashed potatoes and a few biscuits. She couldn't eat anything but at least she could keep her tears back. That little conversation did good to her and at the bottom of her heart, she was a little grateful for Herr Kommandant, though she still hated him with every drop of her blood.
Two hours later Amon shouted Lisiek's name and commanded him to take out his lunch tray. He doesn't want to see me, Helena wondered, though it doesn't make any sense because he must see me at dinner time. Lisiek hurried back with the tray, revealing that Herr Kommandant was in a terrible mood. They heard him leave the villa, shouting at his dogs to join him. Helena didn't want to know what he had done in the camp while he was away, and Lisiek didn't tell her that he was told that night that Amon had shot three people in Anna's barrack and sent the others to clean the whole building with hot water and disinfectant.
During the dinner Helena felt Amon's eyes on herself. She felt something peculiar on him. He didn't say anything but a simple thank you after he finished eating, then he left. He didn't visit her in the basement that night and he didn't call her. He was silent, he didn't make any noise in his bedroom and when his girlfriend called her on the phone, he told her to leave him alone and forbade her to enter the camp until he commanded that.
The next day didn't bring Helena the disappointment and surprise of the previous day. During the breakfast Amon made nasty remarks on her coffee, standing half-naked on the balcony, holding his double-barrelled gun in his right hand, then he shot two inmates while Helena was trying to take the coffee tray back to the kitchen without dropping it. She could hear him swearing about "bloody rotten Jews" before she could escape behind the door. After dinner Amon didn't allow her to clear the table – he beat her up there, pushing her over the remains of the chicken and the bottle of brandy with a huge slap on her face.
Amon the Good didn't exist anymore, she thought bitterly, possibly he never existed at all. But at least she received again what she had been used to and she didn't have to worry about the strange behaviour of Herr Kommandant.
Living in constant fear made Helena insensible and indifferent. Her hatred towards Amon was growing bigger each day and sometimes she had even difficulties to hide it. More and more often she fancied confronting and opposing him to provoke him to shoot her and end her suffering.