Disclaimer: There are many differences between me and Stephenie Meyer. One of which is that if I ever wrote a series about vampires, I'd never be able to take myself seriously if I made them sparkle. Thus, the Twilight Series does not belong to me. I am merely playing in her treehouse, and I promise not to shove her characters out and laugh as they fall.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you guys are still more awesome than pie. Thanks to the beta, Ledybug, and to Alisa, both of whom help me out of my outrageously insecure ways.
The Cullen family truth that Alice never lost a bet may have been in doubt, but the fact that one did not mess with Rosalie and Edward's cars was so completely irrevocable that it might as well be put down in the bible as the eleventh commandment.
It looked like the story was about to get very interesting.
Chapter Four: If You Can't Stand the Heat – Cheat
October 11th, 1985
When you could see the future, things could get very confusing, very quickly. Alice had never known any other way to live, and managed to cope with the sometimes troublesome mix of time in her head without a lot of trouble.
She did this with mental folders and labels. Her mind was filled with things labeled 'now', 'soon', 'later', 'ages away', 'will never happen', 'inevitable', 'in doubt', 'might have been', 'miscellaneous' and there was even a growing folder filled with 'past', which was Alice's favorite. Of course, her obsession with labels had carried over somewhat into her everyday life, and the invention of the Post-It note had brought her just as much joy as some of her larger shopping excursions.
Edward, with his gift, was the only member of her family who really understood how Alice's mind worked, and he tolerated her attacks on his clothing with the adhesive notes gracefully (and with some rather sarcastic replies). It was quickly becoming something of a tradition between them, and Alice was sure she was single-handedly keeping the production of the Post-It note going.
Seeing the future was as much a part of her as Edward's telepathy, Jasper's empathy and Rosalie's supreme bitchiness. Unlike Edward and Jasper, Alice could not remember a time when she had not had her gift (Alice highly doubted that becoming a vampire had changed Rosalie from a sweet, innocent wallflower into Her Most Royal Haughtiness). If her ability was taken from her, Alice would feel as disabled as if someone had taken her sight or hearing.
Sometimes she wondered how people who couldn't see the future managed to prevent themselves from walking into walls.
Be that as it may, sometimes her visions could be highly annoying. It was all well and good for her to go searching around for something deliberately, but occasionally her gift decided to interrupt her present and butt in with something – sometimes something that Alice couldn't care less about. Or something she would rather not know.
There would never be surprise presents for her. The moment any member of her family tried it, her gift jumped in like an overprotective dog, barking and yapping away and letting her know in much detail that someone was trying to pull one over on her.
But, unlike what some (Rosalie) suggested, Alice did not walk around with her mind firmly stuck in the future. Thus, once her little brother had firmly closed the door on her attempts to see the outcome of the bet, Alice was resolved to keep it that way, and let herself be caught up in the game.
Walking through the halls of Colchester High School, Alice decided it was completely worth the blindness to experience the comments and theories first-hand rather than in her head. With a wide smile, she skipped towards the cafeteria to let her brother and husband know of the latest gossip concerning the Cullen family.
She gathered a tray of food that would be binned at the end of lunch, uneaten, and made her way to the far side of the cafeteria, where Emmett and Jasper were sitting. "Do you want to know the latest rumors?"
Neither Jasper nor Emmett was surprised when she appeared behind them, worming her way between them at the table they shared. On Tuesday, the day after they made the bet, the students at Colchester High had been stunned when lunchtime rolled around and the Cullen family sat at two separate tables. Tongues had been wagging about the reasons for this disruption of normalcy all week. Now it was Friday and the pace of gossip had barely slowed.
Emmett, who was growing more and more irritable the longer Rosalie spent avoiding all contact with him, scowled and poked at his lunch. "No."
"The most popular one is that Rosalie dumped one adopted brother for the other." Alice grinned and made a display of playing with her own food. "Apparently our family is very daytime soap opera."
"I say no and she tells me anyway," Emmett muttered, before lifting his gaze across the room to where Edward and Rosalie were sitting, Edward reading a book and Rosalie filing her nails. "It's sickening."
"It is," Alice agreed, with a thoughtful nod. "But don't worry, Emmett. It would never work out. There's not enough room for both their egos in one relationship."
Rosalie glanced up, one brow raised. Alice grinned brightly at her composed sister, who waited until Emmett had looked away before rolling her eyes as if to say, 'Can you believe him?'
They may have been on different sides of the bet, but there were some things you just needed a sister for.
***
Watching Edward and Rosalie be civil to each other was as fascinating as observing a particularly gory car accident.
Unfortunately, extensive observation had yielded little in the way of knowledge of any sort of impending blowup between the two. Edward and Rosalie seemed perfectly content to spend all their time together peacefully.
It was unnerving. It was wrong. It was driving poor Emmett completely loopy.
"They've been taken over by Pod People, that's the only explanation." Emmett was pacing around the living room, and had been sharing theory after theory for the last hour, ever since Edward and Rosalie had gone hunting together of their own free will.
"They're just trying to win the bet," Alice replied, sighing. She redirected her gaze from Emmett, who was turning in furious little circles and making her dizzy. Her eyes landed on Esme's new picture frame, which had been presented to her upon her return home. Rosalie and Edward had smiled like cherubs, apologizing and handing over the new frame and, oddly enough, the old one glued back together with a little note stuck on it.
Alice had no idea what the note had said, but by the expression on Esme's face, it had been hysterical. The old frame and the note now had pride of place by Esme's bedside, and the incident had never been brought up again. Really, that should have been their first warning that Rosalie and Edward were going to be formidable opponents.
"We never specified that they had to spend every single moment together," Emmett argued, whirling around and glaring at her. He had been very tense for the last few days, and was not behaving at all like the amiable behemoth that Alice was used to.
"I'm pretty sure they aren't Pod People, Emmett." Nor were they possessed by demons or replaced by evil twins, his previous two theories. Poor Emmett was struggling to get someone panicked enough to stop the bet without him having to lose his dignity. It didn't take a psychic to know that Pod People was not the best way to do this.
Emmett remained unmoving for a moment, unresponsive, before he jerked his head and resumed pacing. "Drugs! They're on drugs!"
"Oh sweet Lord, why won't he stop?" Alice buried her face in her hands and let out a growl, before lifting her head and refocusing on Emmett. "They can't be on drugs, Emmett. We're vampires, remember? We can't get high."
Emmett paused and appeared to be processing this new nugget of knowledge, trying to make it align with his own personal worldview. Then he raised his eyes to ceiling, where above them Jasper was reading in Carlisle's study, and shouted, "Jazz! Get down here, I need your expertise!"
Nothing good was going to come from Jasper getting involved with the conversation, Alice could tell. An image of the future pushed at the edge of her vision, demanding attention. She saw a couple of flickers of Jasper and Emmett in the garage, before she shoved it aside as Jasper entered the room, cocking his head curiously.
Jasper glanced between them; taking in Emmett's worked up form and her own irritable expression. "What's going on?"
"Can vampires get high?" Emmett asked.
It was clearly the last thing her husband had been expecting. He blinked and gave her a brief, searching look, but Alice could only shrug. Rubbing at his head, Jasper frowned at Emmett. "I'm not sure I'm the right person to be asking about this. Wouldn't Carlisle be better?"
"What the hell would Carlisle know about it?" Emmett demanded, as if the suggestion was the most outrageous thing he'd heard in his long life.
Alice saw Jasper visibly snap his mouth shut on a reflexive reply. She knew him well enough to guess that he was most likely about to question whether Emmett had been dropped on his head as a child.
"Emmett…Carlisle is a doctor," Jasper replied slowly, giving Emmett time for the words and their meaning to sink in. "He knows more about narcotics and vampire physiology than I do."
Emmett was regarding Jasper as though the other was several pages behind him, in a completely different book. "Jazz, Carlisle has never eaten anyone. He can't tell me anything practical."
"I'm not sure I'm following," Jasper admitted with a frown. It was the understatement of the century. Alice wasn't even following, and she was about two sentences ahead of them both. The conversation wasn't getting any clearer the second time around.
"I'll say this slowly so you understand, alright?" Emmett sighed, shaking his head. Jasper took a deep, calming breath and grinded his teeth together. They would be wrestling tonight. Emmett and Jasper couldn't seem to have a prolonged, serious conversation without needling each other. "Obviously, vampires can't use needles to inject stuff, and inhaling has no effect on us. Does eating a human that's high make a vampire high?"
Jasper closed his eyes and seemed to be wishing he was very far away from the conversation. "What exactly brought his up, Emmett? Is there some kind of reason you want to know?"
"Jazz, don't go all quiet on me now. Your previous eating habits are nothing to be ashamed of. We all know you must have eaten somebody who was complete doped up. We're not going to hold it against you." Emmett said this very earnestly, which was just making Jasper all the more agitated.
Alice interrupted before Jasper could leap across the room and knock Emmett through the wall. "He thinks Edward and Rosalie are on drugs."
"How did you reach that conclusion?" Jasper shook his head rapidly when Emmett opened his mouth to reply. "Never mind, I'd rather not know. And in answer to your question – it's completely irrelevant because neither of them hunt humans."
"Maybe their deer are spiked," Emmett murmured, spinning around and starting his trek around the living room to contemplate this new idea.
"Or, this is just how they are when they get along," Jasper suggested.
"Or, it's their minds on drugs," Emmett returned stubbornly.
"I don't think it's them who are on drugs." Jasper said dryly.
Esme appeared on the second floor landing, observing them curiously. "What's this about drugs?"
Emmett jumped on the opportunity to further spread his theory. "I hate to tell you this, Esme, but I have reason to believe that Edward and Rosalie are doing drugs."
"That's not possible, Emmett." Their mother broke the news softly, in the kindest voice possible, lest their unhinged brother become violent. Or at least that's what Alice liked to think, anyway.
"Have you not noticed the strangeness of their behavior this week?" Emmett asked incredulously. Alice sent him a warning look, hoping she could quell him before he spilled anything that they had agreed to keep secret. As far as Esme and Carlisle were aware, Rosalie and Emmett were going through a 'rough patch' and that was the only unusual thing going on in the household.
"What do you mean? The fact that they're getting along?" Esme descended the stairs, heading towards the downstairs office. "It's not that strange. This isn't the first time it's happened."
The three of them remained in shocked silence as Esme retrieved one of her planning books. She raised her eyebrows when she left the office and saw them standing in exactly the same positions she had left them in.
Alice licked her lips, feeling the strangest sensation – it was almost like she was experiencing the feeling of being tricked. "What do you mean, Esme?"
"Well, before Emmett came along they were each other's company, weren't they?" Esme replied, shrugging lightly and starting back up the stairs. "They had to learn how to get along fairly quickly. They managed, although they both prefer to deal with each other in small doses. Obviously, with the problems you two have been having, Emmett, Rose is confiding in Edward. They must have gotten over some of their antagonism after the incident with my picture frame…"
Esme disappeared, back to her work, leaving behind three very stupefied vampires.
"We're going to lose," Emmett said, in a deadened voice. "Alice is going to lose a bet. Rose and Edward are getting along. The world is coming to an end and mice have settled on the moon."
"Mice have settled in your brain," Alice retorted. "And I don't lose bets when it's just me making them."
"Something must be done," Emmett said, ignoring Alice entirely and turning beseechingly to Jasper. "Jazz, my favorite brother, you have to help me! We can't lose this bet – it's time to sabotage them."
Alice shook her head despairingly. "Unbelievable. You can't even last a week without sex. That's pathetic."
"It's not the sex!" Emmett glared at her. "Rose won't even touch me. She looks at me like I'm a leper. I can't not touch Rose. She's Rose."
"And they're Edward and Rosalie – they'll fight eventually," Alice replied, shrugging. "We'll just have to wait, patiently."
"This was a stupid idea," Emmett said, looking halfway to wringing his hands in worry. "I can't believe it. 'Patient', she says. 'We have to be patient'. Yeah, sure – us, patient, like that'll ever happen. Who are the patient siblings again? Oh right, Edward and Rose!"
Alice threw her hands up in the air. "Just give up then!"
Emmett turned back to Jasper, who had been watching their little exchange in amusement. "Jazz, come on – pride is on the line."
"You get to have sex with Rose if we give up," Alice helpfully informed Emmett.
Jasper turned insulted eyes on her. "Alice, pride!"
Men were all the same. Alice crossed her arms and glared up at them. "Just so you know, I'm keeping my gift closed on this bet – I don't care what happens anymore."
Emmett snorted. "Sure you don't. Come on, Alice. If they win this, they're never going to let you - or us - live this down. I refuse to lose a bet to my wife and my baby brother!"
It would be incredibly annoying to have Edward constantly holding this incident over her head for the next few decades. Not to mention all the grief she'd get from Rosalie. Alice wavered. It wasn't like they didn't cheat at everything else. Surely it was expected, an unspoken rule of the Cullen family. Thou shall cheat when the going gets tough?
They could see her indecision clearly in her eyes. Jasper nodded at her proudly, and Emmett grinned and rubbed his hands together eagerly.
"Okay, let's begin 'Operation: Make Rose and Edward Fall Out of Like'."
***
By the time Edward and Rosalie returned from their hunting trip, plans A through G suggested by Emmett had been vetoed by Jasper, who was treating the situation as if it were a military campaign, not a simple attempt to make their siblings fight.
He had strategy books open. He was drafting little maps and diagrams. He was grinning like a fiend and feeding off Emmett's excitement.
He was as cracked as Emmett, and both of them were far too gone for Alice to suggest anything rational.
As much as Jasper loved his scholarly pursuits and philosophy books, he had clearly missed strategizing and preparing for war.
Alice was sure that it was unusual for Sun Tzu's The Art of War to be consulted when one was planning to sabotage ones siblings. She just didn't have the heart to tell Jasper that. He would look at her with hurt, puppy dog eyes, and Alice would feel lower than low. It was better to indulge him and attempt to curtail the worst of the resulting over-the-top plots that her usually level-headed husband thought up.
When Rosalie and Edward entered the house, all of Jasper's books were hidden, and they were all carefully thinking about things completely unrelated to sabotage, their siblings, and the bet.
Good time? Alice thought, smiling brightly at Edward as he followed Rosalie towards the stairs. He nodded briefly at her and continued on his way. Alice frowned. All this week her time with Edward, which was usually plentiful, had been cut down. He was spending every moment with Rosalie and although Alice knew that it was because of the bet, she couldn't help but feel disgruntled that her sister had been thoroughly monopolizing her brother's time.
Alice was Edward's favorite sister, and she wasn't going to let that position go without a fight. Perhaps ending the bet prematurely wouldn't be entirely a bad thing…
Rosalie turned to Edward at the top of the stairs. "We'll get changed and go out to the garage – you can play with the Testarossa's engine while I work on the Mustang, all right? Be careful with it."
Edward nodded and they separated. Alice turned to Emmett and Jasper and found them smiling as if they'd discovered El Dorado. Alice closed her eyes and cringed. Oh dear God, not the cars.
She sat in jittery silence as they waited for Edward and Rosalie to reappear and head off to the garage. She was almost vibrating with nerves when Emmett and Jasper gathered around a new piece of paper. "Please, tell me you aren't planning to do anything to the cars."
"Would you like the truth or the lie?" Jasper asked, as he drew a little sketch of Rosalie's beloved Testarossa.
"Nothing good will come from this," Alice said, moaning softly at the thought of what Rosalie would do if they damaged the Testarossa. It was Rosalie's new baby, and she had only recently stopped obsessively cleaning it and keeping it covered with a sheet when not in use. It was no doubt a huge step for her to allow Edward a chance to get under the hood, and there would be an explosion of Vesuvius proportions if anything should happen to it.
It was the perfect way to make Rosalie forget the bet and rip into Edward.
The only problem was that it was unlikely for Edward to still be alive afterwards.
***
As if fate was intervening, the perfect moment for sabotage presented itself later that night. Esme was once again travelling, this time to Paris for some inspiration for her newest designs. Rosalie had jumped at the chance to go for the weekend. Edward was dropping them off at the airport.
Jasper, Emmett and Alice were left alone in the house, since Carlisle was still at the hospital. Temptation was right in front of them, and Alice was simply not big enough to stop both Jasper and Emmett from immediately rushing off to the garage.
She followed to try and prevent the worst from happening.
It was a very scary thing to enter the garage and be confronted with Jasper and Emmett poised over the Testarossa, a large toolbox between them, and huge smirks on their faces. Alice approached warily. "What are you going to do?"
"Completely wreck the engine," Jasper explained, "and make it look like Edward didn't know what he was doing."
"Rosalie is going to be pissed," Alice reminded them. "She'll kill you if she ever finds out you did it."
"Hopefully she'll think it was Edward and kill him," Emmett replied cheerfully, bending down to open the toolbox.
"Do you really want to wish an enraged Rosalie on my favorite little brother?" Alice asked her husband, in one last-ditch effort to save said favorite little brother from certain doom. Cheating to win a bet was one thing, but irreparably ruining the engine of Rosalie's new Ferrari was a death sentence.
Jasper gave her a serious look. "There are always casualties in war, Alice."
"Fine," Alice replied. "But I'd just like to remind you that if any permanent damage is done to my favorite little brother, I shall reveal all to Rosalie and then help her take you both apart, and then while you're in pieces, we will burn certain parts of your anatomy beyond repair, thus rendering you both neutered. How's that for a casualty of war?"
Emmett winced, and Jasper gave her a tight, pained look. "We have to do this, Alice. I was a Major in the Confederate army, I will not lose. Besides, our pride is on the line."
"Your balls, too," Alice reminded them, before shrugging and watching as they opened the hood of the Ferrari. "I think I'm going to regret going along with this."
Jasper leaned down, spanner in hand, and began loosening something down near the bottom of the engine. Alice leaned over curiously to watch. A few seconds later, Jasper straightened and smiled triumphantly. "There. Done."
"That's it?" Alice asked skeptically. To be honest, she had been expecting them to take a mallet to the engine and start denting it.
Jasper nodded and closed the hood. "That's it. We can't make it obvious that it wasn't Edward, but this will cause a lot of damage, trust me."
Alice flinched. If he was right, and Jasper tended to be right, then Rosalie was not going to be happy when this 'damage' occurred.
Jasper and Emmett high-fived each other and went back to the house, leaving Alice behind to stare at the poor victim of their torture.
The Testarossa sat gleaming, looking completely undisturbed. Alice was beginning to fear that that Jasper and Emmett would be successful, and Rosalie would hit a level of anger that no one had ever seen before.
Alice sighed. I tried, Edward, truly.
She wondered if there would be time to convert the basement into a bomb shelter before the full force of Mount Rosalie's eruption descended.
Vesuvius is the volcano that erupted and destroyed Pompeii, in Roman times.
Next chapter - Esme pwns all, Bella is triumphant, and Alice is on Team Bella...
Oh, and the return of Charlie. Because he keeps forcing his way in.
Reviews are appreciated, those who have taken the time so far deserve more thanks than I can give in this little space. You all rock.