(I own nothing)

~Chapter Four~

"Oh no, Bollo! They've gone in to back up their dad!" Naboo exclaimed as the two yetis rushed into the room. "What are we going to-" He was cut off by the ringtone of the alligator phone (peacock dreams... peacock dreams...). "'Ello?"

"Naboo? What's the situation looking like, mate?" The less-than-subtle voice of Tony Harrison blared at him.

"Pretty bleak, honestly," Naboo admitted.

"Well, 'ave no fear, the H-Man has gotten your powers back for you, saved the day once again- 'ello? Naboo? Owwh, 'ave you hung up on me? With no thanks, after what I just done for you? This is an outrage, I tell you! An outrage!"

"Outta my way, small-eyes!" Demanded Kodiak Jack as he charged towards Howard. "Ain't nothin' that can gets between me and my Vincey!"

"Would everyone stop calling him that?" Howard shouted, bracing himself against Jack's weight. "And I think, sir, that you'll find that my eyes are quite average-sized for my head!"

"What," the toothless man taunted. "You don't like me talkin' about my Vincey like that?" He shoved the man off of him and pinned him roughly to the floor. Just as the two yetis leapt to their father's rescue, they were hit by a bolt of green light. A moment later, they shrunk down to the size of small children. When they charged Howard, he was able to hold them at bay with one arm, much like he had stopped Tommy from attacking his 'mortal enemy:' Vince the mod- King of the Mods, if you wanna get technical about it.

"He's not yours! And I'm the only one allowed to call him that!" Howard couldn't be sure, as he was again wrestling with Jack, but he thought that he saw Vince smile a bit. The two yeti children were now sniffing at him, making sure that he wasn't hurt, and shooting concerned looks at their father as he shouted their names. Suddenly, Jack charged forward. "OUCH!" Howard bellowed as he was headbutted in the stomach. "Get off me, you bleeding lunatic! And stay the hell away from Vince, if you know what's good for you, yeah?" He punched him forcefully in the stomach, forcing the air out of his lungs. Once Jack was down, he lurched to his feet, scrambling to locate Vince.

"And now for you," Naboo said, walking from where he stood in the doorway to where Kodiak Jack lay on the floor, the wind knocked out of him. He turned his full attention to Jack, while Howard rushed to help Vince off of the floor. "What should I do to you?" Bollo leaned close, whispering something to Naboo. "Yeah," the shaman nodded, crossing his arms as he stared disdainfully at the would-be rapist. "Listen. I'm going to erase all of your human memories- in other words, any contact you've had with humans for your whole life time. Shouldn't be too many to erase, from the looks of you, but still. I'll leave the memories of your... encounters... wiv the yetis. You'll fink you're a yeti, and you'll be able to live peacefully among your own people. It will work out perfectly. You won't be able to hurt Vince- especially since you won't remember him- and we won't have your blood on our hands, not to mention the weight on our conscience, and your children will be able to grow up wiv their father." Naboo explained everything with a tone of sort of mild interest, but overall indifference. "I'll have to take you and your kin somewhere secluded. Until I can get around to it, you'll have to fit in this cage," he told the mountaineer, producing a cat-carrier from somewhere behind him. Another flash of green light and a brief struggle later, Kodiak Jack was sitting (oh-so-happily) in the cat-carrier, shaking his tiny fist at Naboo and shouting obscenities that sounded less threatening when several octaves higher.

"Noooo, yew queer dress-wearin' witchdoctor!" he squeaked. "How's I supposed to make sweet love to my Vincey when I's this size?" Naboo gave the cage a shake.

"Oh, shut it. Don't you push it, you. You're lucky we're peaceful people," he told him, indicating Bollo and himself. "Most gorillas would have ripped your head and your limbs off by now. And most shamans would have hexed the living daylights out of you by now. Or invited you to a party. They are pretty prone to doing that as well... but that's not somefing I want to do."

"Naboo," Bollo grunted.

"Wot is it, Bollo?"

"You're rambling again. Quit hogging all of screentime." Naboo sighed, bowing his head forward.

"Yeah, you're right. No one wants to hear me prattle on. Well, let's get back to the actually interestin' stuff than, shall we?"

"Vince, are you alright, little man?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, Howard. Fanks for savin' me. One moment, okay?" He held up a finger to shush Howard's onslaught of apologies and the like. "'Ey, Naboo. What's goin' to happen to these little ewoks we have here, eh?" He asked, gesturing to the two still miniature yetis, who were now standing peacefully next to Bollo.

"Yeah, I've already worked it all out. What's going to happen, is... we've been through this. Skip to the next part, yeah?" Oh, right. Sorry.

"No, we can't do that!" Vince protested, after listening to Naboo's plan. "The man's an arse! A total deadbeat father, not to mention a bully. You should hear the kinds of things he says to 'em! Calls 'em all sorts of names and such. I even seen him kick poor Bertha! Nah, we can't let 'im have custody." Naboo scratched his turban, deep in thought.

"Well," he said slowly. "What about their mother?" Vince shook his head, grimacing.

"No good," he said regretfully. "They've got different mums, but the fing with yetis is, they're very forgetful creatures. None of them can remember which ones are their mums. Yeti law forbids adoptions as long as the parents are still alive. Apparently, usually the male picks one mate and remembers which one it is, staying wiv the mate until she has her baby. That's also why human/yeti children don't usually survive. They did because he got snowed in there and when they were born he took them." Naboo raised an eyebrow at him. "What?" He shrugged. "I talked to the two of them while Howard was fightin' to defend my honor. Wanted to make sure they were taken care of, yeah?"

"Fair enough. Well..." Naboo was silent for a moment as he studied the portable crystal ball he'd pulled from his robes and inflated while Vince had explained. Howard was speechless, in shock that they could be sitting there so calmly discussing yeti custody of all things after what had just (almost) happened. He shook his head. He'd let the sunshine kid handle this. He'd talk to Vince later when there weren't so many distractions. He'd redressed himself, although his once sparkly jacket had dirt on it, and had been torn in a couple of places. Although he didn't act bothered, Howard could tell that it bothered him immensely. After all, Vince's clothes were second important only to the preservation of his hair. And in the tussle between himself and Jack, his hair hadn't been preserved. It was all mussed (but not in the fashionable way, mind) and there were twigs and sticks stuck in it. There were frizzy bits, and he could almost feel the split ends forming. He shivered, hugging himself tightly. This whole thing was a nightmare, although it still could have been so much worse. At least he thought happily, Howard came to save me this time... He smiled slightly. "Well," Naboo said again, finally, snapping him from his thoughts. "I've just done a quick scan of yeti custody laws, and apparently, if neither parent is able or willing to properly care for the child, or if they are abusive, the children may reside with permanent foster families." Vince grinned, nodding.

"What do you fink, Naboo? We could use some extra security around the shop, if they wanted to stay, I fink." Naboo nodded once.

"Agreed. It's decided then. You," he said to Kodiak Jack, kicking the side of the cat-carrier, "get to go back to the yetis alone, to live among the women who love you. You stupid prick." He turned back to Vince. "Well, we'd better be getting back. I'll take Bollo and these guys wiv me, I'll leave the keys wiv Howard, yeah? See you guys back at the shop?"

"Wait up there, sir. Why can you just be off, and we have to take the car? You can transport them, but not us sir?"

"Transport of magical animals," Naboo explained. "Since I've shrunk this guy down and revoked him of his human status, he counts to. Can't do it wiv you guys, 'fraid to say. Besides, someone needs to get the car back to the shop."

"Bollo drove it here! He should take it back!" Naboo shrugged.

"Sorry mate, but I fink you'll find that ultimately, it's your job, because this whole fing is your f-"

"Shut up already!" Howard cut in. "Just get out of here! Leave already! What are you waiting for, sir?" He blinked, and a moment later, everyone but he and Vince had gone.

"Why leave so suddenly?" Bollo asked Naboo as the the shaman broke apart the fragrant buds onto the tabletop.

"Because," the shaman lisped, "they've got some fings to work out... in private. They'll be back soon enough." He dusted his fingers off, scooping the pile of crumbled, dried leaves onto a piece of paper and then funneling it, tapping it to ensure that everything fell into the bowl of the bong. He finished packing the bowl, motioning for the small group to gather closer around. "Alright now, children," he addressed the yetis. "Watch us, and do exactly as Bollo and I do." The two creatures grunted eagerly as they watched first Naboo take a deep hit. It was Bollo's turn next, and then Bertha's (ladies first, even among yetis). She copied Naboo and Bollo perfectly, as did her brother. They giggled, making terrifying, low gargling sounds in their chests that would have been terrifying to someone who didn't know any better. "Stay with us, kids," the tiny shaman said between coughs, "and we'll teach you well."

A/N: Woohoo, chapter four! I actually got this typed last night, right after I published chapter three, but I didn't want to post them both at once. you know, I have to spread it out, at least a little (I wanted to wait longer to post it, but I'm too impatient)!

Just a couple of notes for this chapter:

~I know parts of it are kind of oddly worded or just plain weird, but think about how weird the show is. they often acknowledge the fact that it's a show, which is what I tried to do when Bollo told Naboo to quit hogging screentime. it makes me think of Yu-Gi-Oh abridged when they're saying how Bakura isn't a main character, so he can't have much screentime. also when Naboo said to skip ahead- in the Eels episode, when Howard tells Vince what happened, he looks at the camera and says that they've seen it, so to skip ahead.

~what? yeti custody laws? wtf is that about? again, something random that occurred to me, and seemed like it could be fairly british humor (I live in Michigan, so I have to do my best :D), so I figured why not.

~also, I apologize if anyone doesn't like the fairly detailed description of them smoking in the end. I mean, they're always smoking, so I figure it's okay. plus I added a warning in the description about it, so... yeah. if you don't like it, then I'm sorry, but... yeah.

I didn't have half this written before I typed it up. because what I do is I have my notebook that I can take places and write and not stand out and have to lug my computer around with me. also, I like writing cursive, so I have two or three full notebooks (different colors of ink throughout) of entirely fanfiction. so half the time, when I get backed up, it isn't because I haven't written it, it's because haven't gotten around to typing it up yet/I can't find the notebook. but I was working on my Russian homework earlier, which is in the same notebook as my fanfic. so, when I got to the page where the fanfiction starts (about page five), I just started typing up this chapter. and then I got about half of what I'd written typed up, and had a couple of ideas, and just randomly came up with the rest and kept filling in bits.

*many thanks to soundofmadness223*

thanks for listening to me ramble! let me know what you think! I'll love you even more than I already love you if you leave me reviews!

~alex~