Carbon Copy Ninja (Paperwork Ninjas' revenge)

Part 3: Icha Icha Cruelty

Neji, Musing

Some things are best left unspoken. That is a motto and a way of life for many ninja. Ah, blessed silence. But one should not assume that we aren't communicative. Aside from the official hand signs, many of us have developed an advanced system of grunts, sighs, eye-rolling, shrugs, twitches, and other evocative body language by which we make our feelings known to those wise enough to catch on.

Inevitably those we wish would wise up never do. Fan-girls are especially blind. They can take a lack of violence in response to their advances and spin a fantasy of unrequited love, heartfelt devotion and imagined engagements. All this from nothing. Kami help you if you should slip up and do something nice, like lend them a pencil. Then you'll be in for it.

Unfortunately, there are some words that were neglected by creators of the various hand sign lexicons. Specifically, insults beyond the universal salute. So even the most adept of silent communicators must open their mouths to properly degrade their sparring partners. Sometimes, that's all you'll be able to hear.

Later that morning...

Kakashi yawned, stretched like the cat he was sometimes compared to, tucked his precious book into its special pocket, and hopped down from his perch. His mind was cluttered with speculations about the content of the next volume, currently waiting at Kamiya's book store. Such sweet distraction!

Soon thereafter he strolled into Kamiya's, the store he used for special orders. Kamiya-san could sometimes be persuaded to give him a sneak peak at the stock ordering catalogs detailing the release date, number of pages, and other vital Icha-Icha statistics. "Welcome! Ah, Kakashi-san, you're a little early. The author's instructions were to not distribute until noon."

"I was hoping you'd forget about that little clause." Kakashi mourned.

"Well, I suppose you should get a reward for being early. Shows you have your priorities straight, I always say." Kamiya pulled a box out from under his counter and flourished a small kunai, "Five minutes won't hurt anyone. It'll be our little secret, eh?"

"Of course." the Copy-nin agreed, watching the proprietor open the package and remove the specially wrapped books within.

"Here we are, Icha-Icha Special Volume Four: Fraternizing with the Enemy." he presented the thick, glossy volume with both hands, and Kakashi took it with equal ceremony and respect. "Thank you for your business, Kakashi-san."

"Thank you, Kamiya-san, Jiraiya-sama, Kami-sama." Kakashi pulled the protective plastic away from the cover with great care and greater speed, opening to the first page before he even left the shop.

Like each of the preceding specials, Jiraiya opened this one with a great action-romance scene as a sort of prologue before the opening chapter. Oh, Asuka is in this one! I love her, she's so- and Ryuusei, too? Jiraiya does love me. Oh Jiraiya-sama, praise to thy name! Kakashi read each line with the devoted gaze of a lover and connoisseur of the genre.

All was happy and shiny in Kakashi's world.

Until he turned to the next page.

Now, Kakashi had seen a great number of disturbing images in his time as a ninja; dead people in every possible state and combination of parts, plots so convoluted the executor is betraying himself twice, limbs sprouting from orifices where limbs should never sprout, Asuma in a dress, etc. But nothing had prepared his optic nerve or mind for such an assault.

Maito Gai in his normal spandex outfit Kakashi was accustomed to; Gai naked in a hot spring he had mostly ignored and survived. Maito Gai half-naked and doing a strip tease over the course of a two page spread -in full color- was worse than either of the extremes by several orders of magnitude. Overwhelmed, Kakashi's brain did the only thing is could; it shut down in self defense after a double-fibber that snuck out before unconsciousness carried him away.

"Phase Two, part A complete." Kotetsu reported over Izumo's barely contained giggles(1).

"Iruka's in the bookstore now." Genma reported from his perch.

"Thank you Kamiya-san, see you later." Kakashi's borrowed voice came over the radio a moment later.

"You enjoy now!" was the faint voice of the proprietor.

"Did you say something?"

"Hahaha! Always the joker! Have a good day!"

"Part B complete." Iruka reported a few moment later, the difference between Kakashi's drawl and his more crisp tones coming through the alterations to his vocal cords. "Regroup for observation of part C."

"Heeheehee." was Izumo's contribution.

Kakashi woke with a slight start, but caught his balance before falling from his branch. Just a dream. Aaah. He could feel the relief flood his system, washing away the endorphins and panic that had momentarily gripped him. He checked the time and scrambled. He was late! He was never late for Icha Icha!

"No sign he even suspected a Genjutsu." Izumo shook his head as Kakashi leaped past him headed downtown. "He must have thought it was a nightmare."

"That was the idea." Iruka murmured from his hiding place next to Genma.

"Iruka. What sort of technique did you teach Izumo, that he can put Sharingan Kakashi into a Genjutsu and not let him notice?" Hayate spoke for the first time over the circuit, "I know that he is currently the object of your collective contempt, but you must admit the man has skill."

"Yes, tell us, 'Ruka, what is the trick?" Genma nudged him.

He hesitated a moment while Raidou and Kotetsu reported the approach of their victim. "Do you know what 'suspension of disbelief' is?"

"When you go along with the story despite the implausibility of it?" Raidou ventured after a moment of silence.

"Yes. When you read most novels you have to suspend your disbelief. Icha-Icha is particularly bad, since Jiraiya doesn't even try." Iruka explained to the sound of mumbled agreement, "Doing that puts your mind into a receptive mode. Less critical of input because you've already allowed for the fact that it isn't true, isn't plausible, isn't real..." he trailed off.

"Iruka, I knew that you were a sick and twisted individual, but using the fact that Kakashi reads Icha-Icha in public to torment him with reading fake Icha-Icha reaches a height of depraved elegance that I never would have expected from you." Kotetsu informed him with badly suppressed laugh.

"Thank you."

"I blame over-exposure to Ibiki." Genma muttered.

"So that's why you wanted me to wait until he was reading." Izumo's giggle still hadn't left him, and likely wouldn't until the coffee ran out. "Because that's when he was vulnerable."

"That's what father taught me." Irukashi grinned behind his mask.

"Quiet, he's here." Genma interrupted Hayate's next question.

They watched as the real Kakashi entered Kamiya's shop, listening intently. A few moments later they heard the expected shout, and Kamiya's attempt to calm the distraught Jounin.

Scant seconds passed before Kakashi came charging out, his eyes full of vengeance.

"So..." Genma drawled, "I think he took the bait."

"Seems so." Iruka unfolded himself from the cramped alcove. "Time to get to work. Raidou, you ready?"

"Whenever you are, evil one."

"That's what I like to hear."

Oof.

"Hello brat." Genma drawled, resettling the weight of a surprised dark-haired proto-ninja onto his shoulder before leaping to the next roof. "You know, you are my favorite of Iruka's brats because of your Sukiyaki, so I'll let you try out the no-doubt brilliant excuse you have for following me."

"Put me down," Sasuke hissed, "You freeloading bastard."

"Hmm... no." the special jounin paused on the side of an apartment building, sticking at such an absurd angle that despite his verbal protests, Sasuke didn't seem all that interested is being dropped.

"We-can't-tell-which-one-is-real." spoken so quickly and so softly that had Genma been anything other than an elite Shinobi (or a mother, or a teacher... anyway), it probably would have been incomprehensible.

"I see. So you came seeking my expert opinion?"

"Hn." another street-spanning leap and Sasuke's grip on the special jounin's vest tightened a little more, though no sign showed in his grunt. Genma briefly wondered if he practiced the casual grunt in the mirror or something; anything to avoid squeaking, he guessed.

"You can help us, then we'll take you to your sensei."

"Us?" Sasuke asked as Genma finally dropped him on the roof of a familiar apartment building.

Izumo smirked at them from atop an air-conditioning unit, obviously hiding something behind the box. "Yes," He giggled as he revealed the hidden prize, which turned out to be a very put-out, tightly bound and gagged Hyuuga Neji, "Us."

(1) Because Izumo is an accomplished ninja, he managed to catch himself before rolling off the tree branch and onto Kotetsu's head. Because Kotetsu is his friend and partner, but not a soft landing spot. All that hair gel, you know.

Death by Cliff-hanger? Yeah, Probably. Either that or have a hugely long disjointed chapter. Don't kill me? Please?