I woke up with a shock, an electric shock(Oh no, not purple prose!) New comers at Hogwarts have pranks done on them, to make them angry and then tempt them into being evil, and pranking other people(But pranks are fun...). It really hurt me, and made me really sore(That sounds like someone after a night of real bad sex) I prayed to God that they he would punish them at the final judgement(What is your problem?) I had to endure this torture and know that my task will save the world from an evil willing enough to kill us all.(Darn you!")

At potions class, the teacher taught us about making bombs(Hahahahahahaha!). I learnt that the Hogwarts was planning to attack something(To Ventura! Quick, we must all attack Curtis Rx's home!), but I was not too sure what, I was sure it was a church but I wasn't too sure.(Curtis Rx lives in a church?)I needed to know more information on it before I acted against them. At the moment I blended in, by pretending to make a bomb, but really I was doing the potion all wrong. No one noticed me at all, and did not question if I was a Christian or not.*Facedesk*

At spell class, we learn about a spell that made people faint(Really? I think just by looking at your face, anyone would faint) All though this might seem harmless; the teacher told us we can use this on unsuspecting Christians to fall off bridges and other dangerous places(Hogwarts does NOT teach that!) They also taught us spells which made people have heart attacks(It's official. Tomas was on weed when writing this). Everyone was saying Hail Satan, but I refused to say so, because it would look bad in front of God at the last judgement, and no one was forcing me to say anything. I mumbled the words, so that the spell didn't work. No one noticed I did so.(THEY DO NOT DO THAT AT HOGWARTS!)

And at the break time, I went to the library to find out information on any attacks that are planned on the Christian world(First of all, if you're planning an attack, why would you post it in the library for ALL to see? Second , Hogwart's don't play that, homie)but there wasn't any information(*Read rant above*) I knew I had to find a way into Dumbledore`s office, which would have very top secret information which even the students of Hogwarts would even know.(Wait, I'm missing something here. So Dubmbledore is an evil spy sent to kill innocent people for no apparent reason? HOW COULD YOU?)

So I look for Ebony(Why is Ebony here? WHY? ANSWER MY QUESTION! YOU MUGGLE POSEUR BITCH!). When I found her, I told her of my plan(I actually thought you were going to say, 'I took off my bra.') "I want to get into Dumbledore's office for there is secret information I want to get. I don't know how to get in there though. I think I need your help Ebony(Seduce him, you skank!) the secret follower of the son," I whispered to her. Secret follower of the son was a secret code name for Jesus Christ, so that none of the students could find out about our plan to get rid of Hogwarts.(*Facedesk*)

"Met me on the school fields tonight, and then we will plan(Yeah, sure. ) There are a few people that want to meet you, and they want to help you out," Ebony told me, making sure that no one else hears. "Come alone, and bring no one else. We don't want to be caught out."(They're going to have sex!)

"Yes, ok, I will do that," I said.(Bow chica bow wow)

So at night I went to field. I met up with Ebony, and I followed her, while we talked about Christ and how wonderful he is. She nodded in agreement. And then we came to a small hut, and then we entered. Inside was a giant.(It was Hagrid!)

"This is Hagrid(I'm psychic!) a secret follower of Christ. He once practised magic, but now he has stopped. But he wants to help us out, because he wants Hogwarts to be knocked down, and replace with a cathedral,(W-O-W)" Ebony told me. I was very glad about that. Once Hogwarts was defeated, how could such evil stones still exist? A cathedral was a good idea, and could not wait to see what it would look like.(Don't do this to me, Johnny!)

"So", I asked, "How do we plan to get into Dumbledore?"(That sounds sexual...'Let's all get into Dumbledore!)

"This is the only way you can do it. You must date one of the witches, earn their trust, and they might help you get into Dumbledore`s office(Oh, how romantic. Not)" she told me. I realised that I must get closer to Ginny(Bow chica bow wow, anyone?) which I didn't want to, but because I was forced to do so God would forgive me.

"I know what I have to do then," I told her. Ebony nodded pleasingly, and Hagrid was happy that Hogwarts was one day closer to being destroyed.(You suck. Go check out my profile picture. It's amazing, go. Now. Before Enoby comes back.)

Everyone, please read me new Fanfiction, which is on my own account, Noahmania.