Hey guys, so this has been the hardest chapter to write; I felt like I really needed to finish not only this chapter but the full story before the one year anniversary of the crash came around. So I would love to thank everyone for reading and commenting on this story it really means a lot.
Thanks again to Bailey for proof reading and editing the whole story. So here we go with the last chapter about my crazy year.
Special two by Missy Higgins.
I was never was a big fan of Halloween. As a child Mom wasn't around to make me costumes and neither was Dad. He was either working at the station or finding himself at the bottom of a bottle. So at the age of 9 I stopped caring and trying, and this year was even harder without Sam and Stella here. I had the joy of dressing her up as a ladybug last year and taking her around the station to get candy with Traci's son Leo, even though Sam and I ate it all in the end!
Leo had been talking about his cool new costume that Sam had bought him 2 weeks ago. He was so excited to be a zombie this year, with the fake blood and everything! I was lying down on the couch in the living room watching Traci help him get ready for school the day before the night of gathering to see much candy he, Dov, and Chris could get.
Baby Ollie had been very active for the past week with a few moments of rest which was healthy for him, so much like me in that way; always go go go. In reality though it really just made me so tired. I was a day off from reaching 21 weeks. Frank had given me the rest of the pregnancy off because he knew my head wouldn't be on work. It was the same way with Stella, but back then I got to work in the station right up until having her.
It was coming up to midday, Traci had brung home soup from the weekly shopping she and Nick did. He helped her bring it in. As I was sitting up to eat I felt a sharp pain in my back, thinking it was nothing because I got pains like this all the time. I turned, and with Nick's help I got up to go sit at the table to try and be normal.
Half way through lunch I'd notice I hadn't felt ollie kick which wasn't normal for him at all because I logged his movements in my phones notes. I asked Traci to grab my phone as I started to feel a great deal of pressure in my lower stomach. As she got back with my phone everything just stopped feeling right; I could feel myself getting light headed and really heavy. Nick rushed over with a wet towel for my head and a glass of water. He told me to keep just keep breathing. Traci must've seen my phone and told Nick what I had been thinking. Ollie hadn't moved since the night before, a full 18 hours.
I had calmed down, but I felt like I needed to relieve myself of tons of pressure. So with the help of getting up and to the toilet, I sat down only to look down and see blood in my panties, it wasn't much but I wasn't going to take any chances with this pregnancy. So I got up, cleaned myself up, and walked out to tell Nick and Traci to get me to the hospital immediately. I wanted to get Ollie checked out. It was my gut feeling and they do say a mother knows best, that I don't know something wasn't right. I needed the proof that he was okay before I could calm down enough to feel safe and my normal self again.
It's amazing what can happen with one look of the badge. Shaw and Dov were there waiting to speak to a witness, and with the look on Nick and Traci's faces, it helped get me through and checked faster.
It was now 2.15pm, on Halloween afternoon. As I was lying on the table waiting for the gel to be put on my belly for my ultrasound, the pressure came back. The only way I can explain what I was feeling was that it felt like labour, like I needed to push. As the nurse waved the wand over my belly I could see Ollie there, but then the words that no one was expecting to hear were, "I'm Sorry Miss McNally, but your son has no heartbeat. I'm sorry but it seems that you've had a miscarriage. By the looks of it, it happened to be around 24-48 hours ago. I'll give you some time to deal with this, and again I'm sorry." said the nurse as she walked away.
I felt nothing. I again, was all by myself; my family in every way possible was gone. Yes I had my work family, but at the moment I didn't care. I could hear Traci trying to come in, not knowing if she should. As she popped her head in I looked at her and she just knew, she knew Ollie was gone.
There wasn't anyone who could say anything that bring my kids and Sam back, and that's what really hit me the hardest, it was that I couldn't even keep my kids alive. I was a cop, I was meant to keep them safe and alive. As the nurse and my OB/GYN came in Traci stayed with me while they gave me my options for moving forward. I knew what would happen because I just went through this, only it 6 months before with Baby Ben, and because I was only 21 weeks, there were only 2 ways it could go: to miscarry naturally (expectant management) but it could take up to 10 weeks and in my head, that was wrong. The second option was to have a D&C procedure, which was what I decided on. I knew what was going to happen, and how quick it would happen because it was only a one day surgery. It was the best option for me.
Once I looked at Traci, my OB/GYN knew what I had chosen. She walked out while the nurse got me ready to move into a private room so they could prep me for the surgery. As far as I knew it was just Traci and I who knew what was happening. I told Traci to fill everyone in when I went into surgery, and if someone could remove the baby items in my room so there wouldn't be any in there when I got home. I just knew I wouldn't be able to handle seeing anything that reminded me of baby Ollie, Sam, or Stella.
The Nurse came in and got me ready for the IV, just personally speaking I think it's the worst part of the procedure because I hate needles. I was told, as they wheeled me down to the OR, that they just put a sedative in my IV to relax me, but it made my mind go places I didn't want it to go, it was going out the wahzoos, it also made me think that it was meant to happen this way. In my messed up mind maybe I wasn't meant to have Ben or Ollie without Sam, and both miscarriages were part of the whole making sure I wouldn't have them without Sam. These thoughts completely stopped when they moved me to over to the table and offered me the option of a general anesthesia or the IV anesthesia, but since I just wanted it all to be over, I asked for it to be in the IV.
As I was floating away into my own world ,I could see my dad and Sam playing with my kids and Ollie joining them , though Sam didn't look to happy to see him ,I guess it was his way to tell me he wasn't happy I wasn't looking after myself. I really wasn't sure how to keep going now seeing them as a family up there maybe it was where I was ment to be.
I don't really remember much after that. I just felt disappointed like, I just yet again failed as a mother, a fiancée, and a daughter; but most of all as a human being. I really didn't think I deserved to be here anymore.
Waking up was hard, with no pain meds the cramping was seriously painful. It felt like my insides where being ripped out, 1000 times worse then any period cramping I've ever experienced. I didn't realize I was crying until I was pulled into a hug from Nick and Shaw. I remember just saying over and over again, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry.", before I fell asleep again, from being so tired and completely drained.
When I woke up again it was just traci and my doctor in the room. They didn't know I was awake yet and they were talking about what was next for me. I remember there wasn't much more I could or needed to do other rest, sleep, and no crazy amount of moving around. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and never wake up.
Within 6 hours of awaking up I was released and sent home. I have no true memory of this or the days after, but before I knew it was the 1st of December, a full month had passed. I had decided to resign from the police force to work on myself. In the past month I had thoughts about killing myself twice, both times Leo and Nick had walked into my room mid thought, so they quickly past, thankfully. I wasn't really dealing well at first, but now I'm better than I was 2 weeks ago. I was told each day I would get stronger and stronger. December was always a start of new beginnings in this house. This year was no different.
Gail and Nick had spilt. It was a joint decision. Gail was now dating an amazing woman named Holly. That meant Nick was around the house more, and with me not working anymore we were getting closer as friends.
Traci is now dating Gail's brother Steve and it looks promising. She's so happy and so is Leo. He's growing like a weed. He already loves Steve like he did Jerry, but no one will ever replace Jerry. Chris and Dov are even more like brothers, both now T.O.s Dov is dating Frank's Goddaughter Chloe now, she is a nut ball, but she brings some liveliness into the house.
Oliver has resigned from the force now, but is teaching at the academy. But something's never change; he still doesn't like paying for his own coffee or lunch.. Oh Oliver!
As we all gathered around to decorate the tree and house , I plugged in my iPod and press shuffle. "Special Two" came on. It was a song I had written and recorded with Nick's help a week after the crash and miscarriage happened. I looked around the room, everyone was holding on to their person. I had truly lost mine, but at the end of the day….Time will heal and help the pain; and time will always keep going…
As I have said before its been a full year since this all happened the 23 of October 2012, I lost my world. My fiancée, Chris, and my daughter, Stella. On the 31 of October 2012 I lost my son. This story is real. Its real life and I'm not saying there is just one way to deal with a loss this big , I'm not.
But a year on I'm doing great , I just met this amazing guy G, and his 32 and got 3 amazing kids ,8 year old daughter and 2 sons 4 and 18 months ,its only been just over 5 weeks but we are planning a future together as we both know life is way to short to say what if…. Oh and bailey is awesome. Btw. follow her on twitter bhargrovee