Mikau: Hi guys! Thanks so much for the reviews last chapter. I was starting to think that Bunnyz-chan was the only one that liked this fic. ^.^; It was so great to get all of the support and feedback. Thanks to: Bunnyz-chan, patternleap, DetectivePandaThief, and MeitanteiRose! Well, this is the second to last chapter. Backtracking a little bit, we start with Kaito in the hospital up until the point where we stopped last chapter. By the way, next chapter's going to be super long, so it may be a bit before I get it posted. In the meantime, please enjoy!
Disclaimer: If I were a middle-aged, Japanese, male mangaka, I too would, from time to time write chapters that took place in other parts of Japan so that my company would pay for me to go sightseeing…in the name of research for the chapter, of course.
…
Episode: Fugare "To Chase"
Kaito hadn't liked the hospital. It was too white…too sterile. The people had been nice enough when they weren't prodding him and asking overly personal questions and insinuating that he hurt himself on a regular basis, but all that hadn't made for a very nice stay.
Things got sorted out a little bit once he'd talked with Katsuragi-sensei. She'd remembered little things about him from when he was little, but Kaito honestly had no recollection of her. It had been during a traumatic part of his life with his father dead and his mother in a psych ward. She was nice, though. It didn't take long for Kaito to warm up to her.
"I want you to know that everything you say is confidential," she assured. "Unless you indicate that you're going to hurt yourself or someone else, my lips are sealed."
"So you won't tell anyone?" Kaito cocked his head to the side as he studied the middle-aged woman. She looked to be around his mom's age.
"Not a soul. Not your mother, not the other doctors in the break room, not the police…no one," she confirmed.
Kaito raised an eyebrow at this. "Not the police, huh? Not under any circumstances? I mean…what if I'm a criminal?"
Katsuragi shrugged. "Only if you tell me that you're planning on hurting someone."
"What if I told you I'm the Kaitou Kid?" Kaito held his breath.
"The only ones that would ever know would be you, me, and the God-awful wallpaper," she chuckled.
"Good. I'm the Kaitou Kid," Kaito confessed. "I wouldn't be telling you this, except it kind of has everything to do with my trauma: my daddy issues, my feelings of failure and inadequacy, my problems with my love life…the list goes on."
Her dark eyes narrowed. "Kaito-kun, how long have you believed yourself to be the Kaitou Kid?"
Kaito rolled his eyes. "That's funny. I finally admit it, and you don't even believe me. Look, I'm serious. I'm Kid. My dad was Kid before me until he was murdered, and I've been running around trying to catch his killers by pretending to be him for…about a year and a half now. Ask my mom, if you don't believe me, but that's what all my scars are from…getting shot by the guys that offed my dad. But anyway, the reason I'm in here is because I'm in love with the daughter of Inspector Nakamori, the head of the Kaitou Kid Taskforce. We've been friends since childhood, but things have changed between us since I've been Kid, and when I confessed, she turned me down kind of hard…. I also kind of slept with Detective Hakuba Saguru…who's trying to unmask me and put me in jail. He knows who I am, and I'm in love with him…only he doesn't love me…."
Katsuragi-sensei blinked slowly as she stared incredulously at her patient. "Kaito-kun, you…you…"
"Yeah," Kaito sighed. "You've got your work cut out for you, Doc."
…
He'd been released from the hospital Tuesday night, and Chikage had taken him home and made him a nice dinner before sending him off to bed.
Everything felt awkward. The house had been reasonably suicide-proofed, but Chikage was still watching him with the eyes of a hawk.
"Mom?" He called softly from his doorway as she reached the top of the steps.
"Yes, Baby? What's up?" Chikage stopped in front of him, leaning against the opposite wall.
"I…" He bit his lip. There were dozens of things he wanted to say: "I'm sorry, Mom", "Thank you for everything you've done for me", and "I love you" being at the top of the list. Instead of saying anything at all, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder.
"I know," she whispered back. "It's okay, Honey. Everything's gonna be alright."
He sighed again before placing a kiss on her cheek and then pulling back. "I love you, Mom."
"I love you too, Kai-chan," Chikage giggled, giving his cheek a fond pat. "You know, you don't have to go to school tomorrow, if you don't feel like it."
Kaito shook his head. "If I don't go, that damn detective is going to get suspicious. I think it's best to just go and get it over with."
Chikage pursed her lips. "Are you going to be okay, Kaito? Maybe…Maybe we should do what Katsuragi-sensei said and have you transfer. I've heard that Teitan is an excellent school. You could meet new friends…start fresh…."
Kaito tried to smile, but it came out looking pained. "Kudo Shinichi goes to Teitan. I know people there, and there are people there that I don't want to be known by…. Especially when I'm in this condition."
Chikage's brow continued to furrow. "Well…there's Beika High or Haido High…those are both getting to be a little far, though…but I could drive you."
"No." This time Kaito managed to pull off a soft smile. "You don't know Hakuba. If I mysteriously disappear, he'll come after me. He's obsessed with me…on a stalker-ish level. I mean, the guy hopped continents to come chase me. I don't think a few city blocks will be much of a deterrent. Plus, he knows where we live. Nah. I'm just gonna bite the bullet on this one."
"If you say so," Chikage muttered. "But, Kaito…you can change your mind, you know. If…If it's too much…Kaito, say something next time. Just say something, okay?" She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him like a stress ball.
"I will, Mom," Kaito promised, just enjoying the feeling of being held.
…
Kaito's first day back was tough.
Aoko knew.
He had no idea how, but, dammit, she knew.
She acted awkward all morning, and then, during lunch, she had pulled him aside and asked him to come up to the roof with her.
"Aoko…heard that Kaito was in the hospital. Aoko saw the ambulance come on Friday."
Kaito let silence reign between them as he waited for her to make the next move. He'd already shown her his hand, and he'd lost. He really didn't have anything left to say to her.
"Kaito, Aoko's sorry. She was wrong to say all the things she said to you on Friday. You may be different now, but you're still Kaito…you're still Aoko's friend, and she still loves you. When she saw the ambulance, she was so afraid. She doesn't want to lose you, so…Aoko's changed her mind. It doesn't matter that Kaito's changed. Aoko can just get to know Kaito all over again. Aoko will go out with Kaito," Aoko declared as tears streamed down her cheeks.
Kaito blinked, staring with a carefully blank look on his face. "Why? What's changed? You were right, Aoko. I'm not the guy you want me to be. He's gone, and you don't even know the first thing about me anymore. You were right to run away. You're just trying to soothe your guilty conscience now." He kept his voice neutral, poker face keeping the pain from showing. "I'll let you in on a little secret: you have no idea what all's going on in my life, and it's egotistical of you to think that you're the only reason I'd try to kill myself. This is more Hakuba's fault than it is yours. I don't want your pity, Aoko, any more than I wanted his. Stop waiting for me, Aoko. You deserve better. Get on with your life and be happy, already," he muttered, turning his back and walking away.
At that point, the kindest thing he could do for her was to be cruel. He had to set her free…let her go. It was the decent thing to do.
…
He felt miserable the rest of the day. It was hard to ignore Aoko as she shifted in the seat next to him, looking every bit as uncomfortable and wretched as he was.
And then Hakuba Saguru swung by Kaito's desk at the end of the day to make everything all the worse.
"I don't want to talk about it," Kaito sighed as he sat down on Katsuragi-sensei's couch that day.
"Tough." She shrugged. "Was it that bad?"
"God yes," Kaito muttered into one of the throw pillows. "Aoko's somehow managed to put the pieces together, and now she blames herself. She feels so bad about it that she even went so far as to say she'd go out with me."
"What did you say?" He could tell she was holding her breath.
"I told her it wasn't her fault and that I wanted her to move on and be happy," Kaito replied sadly. "Being a good person sucks."
"Good. That was very mature of you, Kaito-kun. You're doing a good job," Katsuragi assured, trying to be supportive without coddling him. Kuroba Kaito required a very difficult balance. "Dare I ask about Hakuba-kun?"
Kaito rolled his eyes. "Man, I hate that guy. He just won't leave me be. It's almost like he's genuinely worried about me. He came up to me today because he'd heard I'd been hospitalized with the flu, and he told me to eat right and get enough sleep and take my medicine…. It's hard to hate him when he says sweet stuff like that…and that just makes me hate myself even more because I still like the guy who screwed me up. I feel like I'm a yo-yo in his hand, and I can't stand it."
"You resent the control he has over you," Katsuragi noted.
"Yeah," Kaito agreed.
…
After his session, Kaito was starting to feel just a teensy bit better…until Hakuba showed up on his front porch to turn his world upside down for nth time. The Brit brought food and medicine and did that whole bit about wanting Kaito to move in with him so that Hakuba could take care of the battered magician.
The room was spinning when, thankfully, Chikage intervened, sending Kaito to his room. Only Kaito didn't go upstairs. He rounded the corner and waited on the steps to eavesdrop.
What he heard made him dizzy. Hakuba really and truly cared about him. It wasn't just an act he was putting on to placate the injured teen. Hakuba Saguru genuinely cared about him.
Kaito stumbled up the stairs and collapsed onto his bed. He sighed as he studied the thermos of stew Hakuba had given him.
Why'd Hakuba have to care so much? It would be better if the Brit didn't give two figs about Kaito. It'd hurt less if Hakuba had just straight up used him. This way, with the detective caring just short of enough, it only filled Kaito with false hope.
Kaito kept thinking that maybe, just maybe, there might be something there. Obviously Kaito didn't repulse Hakuba, and the blonde had admitted that he found the other boy attractive. It was evident that Hakuba cared a great deal, and so Kaito thought that if he could just give his crush a little push, a little nudge, maybe Hakuba Saguru would fall in love.
"This isn't healthy," Kaito muttered, rolling over onto his stomach.
He heard his mother sigh as she came into his room and leaned against his doorframe. "He's gone, and hopefully he's gotten the message to stay away from you. I mean, I'd hate to actually have to kill him…. You okay, Kai-chan?"
Kaito shook his head, and Chikage came over to sit next to him.
She gently stroked his hair and cooed, "My poor, sweet baby. Mama wishes she could wave a magic wand and make it all better."
Kaito sat up to face her and smiled. "Thanks, Mom. I wish magic were real…and that good always triumphed and that love could really overcome anything and all that other fairytale crap that they spoon-feed us when we're little."
"Yeah." She smiled sadly. "You're wrong about love, though. True, pure love can do anything. Love is real magic."
"Mom, love sucks," Kaito snorted indignantly.
"Yes, I've been there too." Chikage went back to playing with his hair and massaging his scalp. "Heartbreak feels like actually having your heart torn out, but…all I can say is that it's worth it. One day someone will truly love you, Kaito, and it'll all be worth it."
"If you say so," the teen mumbled.
"I'm your mother and, therefore, infallible," she chuckled, then noticing the brown paper bag on Kaito's nightstand along with the thermos. "What's all this?"
Kaito shrugged. "Hakuba thinks I've been sick with the flu, so…just teas and herbs and soup."
Chikage raised an eyebrow. "He brought you soup? Wow…cliché much?" She smiled and reached for the thermos. "Well, no sense in letting it go to waste, and we both know you don't have any use for chicken noodle soup."
Kaito pulled the container away. "It's vegetable stew. Hakuba kind of stalks me, so he knows I don't really eat animals."
Chikage blinked. "He brought you homemade vegetable soup. Because he thinks you're sick and knows you don't eat chicken. He's obsessed with you to the point where he won't leave you alone, but he says he doesn't love you. Honey, either someone's in denial or that boy is messed up in the head. Either way, you have deplorable taste in men. Go back to liking girls, Sweetheart…though, you seem to like the violent ones. Could you try falling in love with someone who won't abuse you, Kai-chan?"
Kaito shrugged, smiling sheepishly. "I guess I've just got bad taste. The only other person I can think of wants to put me in handcuffs and tries to knock me out every time we see each other…. Not to mention the age difference issue…."
"You lost me, Honey." Chikage's brow furrowed as she tried to decipher her son's meaning.
"Don't worry about it," Kaito chuckled nervously. "So…question."
"Yeah?" Chikage shifted so that she was sitting cross-legged on top of the bed.
"I told you I'd slept with another guy, and you didn't freak out. Actually, it even seemed like you already knew that I liked Hakuba. So…?" Kaito looked at his mother in uncertainty.
She smiled, reaching out and patting him on the cheek. "My poor baby…you're a little obvious. Whenever I talked to you, you were always ranting and raving about Hakuba-kun this and Hakuba-kun that. At first I thought you'd just made a new friend, but…these past few months you've been getting that look on your face when you talk about him, and I can just hear it in your tone of voice."
"But…you're not grossed out or anything?" Kaito held his breath.
"No, silly," Chikage laughed it off. "I was a little surprised, yes, but…Kaito, I love you to pieces, unconditionally. Besides, your father was the same way."
Kaito's mouth dropped open. "No."
"Yes," Chikage snickered. "Touichi thought he was being all hush-hush about it, but he had boyfriends. A guy like him was never meant to be tied down to one person. It was a great honor to be chosen as his wife, and he loved me more than anything…well, except you, but I couldn't be everything he needed. He never cheated on me with another woman—that he swore to me—but…there was a novelist…a mystery writer that Touichi used to cross mental blades with…and, after Nakamori Ginzo's wife died… Don't think ill of your dad, though, Kaito. He was sincerely devoted to me, and we had a wonderful marriage. No, I was definitely the favorite; after all, I had a trump card up my sleeve." She chuckled as memories of her husband brought a smile to her face.
"What was that?" Kaito wondered, a little dazed by this recent discovery about his idolized father.
Chikage smirked, touching a single finger to his nose. "You, my dear. I had you, and that was worth a billion times as much as anything the others could give him."
"Dad really loved me, didn't he?" Kaito mumbled, a small smile coming to his lips.
"God, nauseatingly so," Chikage laughed. "It was to the point where I was almost jealous of you. The way he'd fuss over you and hold you and coo about you and watch you sleep. He adored you, Kaito.
"And I love you too…." Suddenly sadness and worry flooded Chikage's features. She took her son's face in her hands. "Kaito, I want you to stay away from Hakuba-kun. Don't talk to him, don't look at him, don't even think about him. Just…let him go. He's no good for you, and I don't ever want him to hurt you again. Don't give him the opportunity, understand me? You're special…precious…and you're too good to waste on that wishy-washy mutt."
Kaito nodded, not knowing what else to say. True, it was probably best that Kaito keep the detective at arm's length, even if he had to beat the guy back with a stick, but…part of Kaito was still hoping and wishing and dreaming that Hakuba could come to care for him.
"Right," Kaito finally sighed. "I'll…I'll try, Mom. Thanks."
…
Kaito was dreading school. He didn't want to be near Aoko, and he definitely didn't want to be within a hundred yards of Hakuba Saguru, so school promised to be a double whammy of unpleasant events.
Only the day proceeded without anything worth mentioning occurring. Aoko sat quietly in the seat next to him the entire day, pretending he wasn't there after she politely wished him a good morning.
Chikage's threats must have struck a chord within the detective because Hakuba didn't even try to approach Kaito. He looked like he wanted to. He looked like he wanted to more than anything, but, in the end, Hakuba just sat in his own seat all day, looking like he was having an agonizing internal debate.
Kaito waited to be approached at lunch time, but no one came. He sat and ate his bentou in silence.
After school let out, Kaito took an extra-long time packing his bag, giving his prospective suitor ample opportunity to engage him, but, in the end, Hakuba walked right past him.
The detective had paused briefly just a step past Kaito, as if he might turn and look longingly at Kaito before confessing his love. Kaito's heart had started beating irregularly as he waited for Hakuba to turn, but it never happened. The blonde had heaved a small, quiet sigh before continuing forward without acknowledging Kaito at all.
And this had left Kaito disappointed. Somewhere deep down Kaito had wanted the annoying detective to pester him once more about moving in together. Kaito wanted to hear Hakuba swear that he cared and all of those other cheesy, prince-like lines that Hakuba regularly spouted.
Kaito had wanted Saguru to continue to fight for him.
…
Days went by. Kaito went to therapy, and Hakuba kept his distance.
"It's like he doesn't even see me standing there," Kaito pouted to Katsuragi-sensei one day a week or two into things. "He just ignores me, like I'm not the guy he threw into his bed a month ago," Kaito seethed, and then a little light bulb came on. "Maybe I wasn't any good. Do you think that's it? Maybe he really did love me, but I wasn't any good, so now he's just pretending he never had any feelings for me. Crap. I'm lousy in bed!"
"Kaito-kun, somehow I don't believe that's it. You keep jumping back to that night…. Let's focus on what's bothering you right now. Try to stay in the moment, Kaito-kun," she urged, trying to ground her fairly agitated patient. "It sounds like right now you're struggling with feeling used…and like you don't matter to him. Have you considered that maybe he's trying to help by staying away like you asked him to do? Or, perhaps he's frightened of your mother? You did say that she threatened to kill him, if he came near you."
Kaito scratched his head furiously. "This is so stupid. I just want to be left alone, so why they heck is being left alone bothering me so much? I just…I guess I just…I want him to want me. I want to be good enough."
"Kaito-kun, you're already good enough," Katsuragi reminded. "Your worth isn't determined by Hakuba Saguru's feelings for you. You're good enough already just by being you."
"I still want…him to love me, though," Kaito admitted. "There. I said it. I want him to love me. Even after a month I'm still hung up on him to the point where I'm just waiting and praying and holding my breath for him to turn around and confess to me. I'm delusional, that's what I am. I'm sick," he scoffed. "I just want him to look at me. He won't even look at me, and it seriously pisses me off. He can't just pretend I don't exist."
"Kaito-kun…I think that Hakuba-kun is avoiding you for your own good. From what you've told me about the situation, he only seems to want to help and support you…. Kaito-kun, I need you to try to stop fixating on him. Let him go. He's not yours, and, more importantly, you're not his. He doesn't own you. Let him go."
Kaito was silent for a moment as he considered life without Hakuba. If he truly let go, let them go back to being strangers, let their relationship dissolve and dissipate…
"I don't want to let him go," Kaito whispered.
The psychologist sighed heavily. "Then, Kaito-kun, you're never going to get better."
…
Hakuba continued to avoid and ignore Kaito, and so Kaito began to lash out. He flung insults at the detective at every opportunity, pretending the blonde didn't exist the rest of the time. It was a no-holds-barred, mudslinging war between them…only Hakuba didn't seem keen to participate. Whatever verbal abuse Kaito meted out, Hakuba took it without so much as the bat of an eye. This only served to throw fuel on Kaito's fire and make the teen feel even worse about himself.
In truth, Kaito didn't mean a word of it. He just wanted a reaction. He wanted to push his desk over and scream, "Look at me! Just look at me!" He was only ever met with quiet indifference from the detective.
Kaito's hope was slowly dying. He'd been a fling. Nothing more. There was nothing between them.
And then flowers unexpectedly showed up on Kaito's desk one morning. Purple hyacinth. It smelled lovely, and there was even chocolate accompanying it. Kaito hadn't the foggiest idea where it had come from, but it was kind of cool to get a present. He spent the rest of the day trying to figure out who the sender was. Mameko-chan? Momoka-chan? Akako-chan? Pft. Fat chance. Eiko-chan? Maybe. Or maybe it was a lowerclassman?
The next day brought similar excitement and guessing games. Yukiko-chan. It had to be Yukiko-chan.
When Kaito brought hyacinth home a third day in a row, Chikage finally asked, "Just who's apologizing to you?"
Kaito stuck out his bottom lip. "Mom, not everyone knows what flowers mean what. I've got a secret admirer. The purple of the flower probably reminds her of the purple in my eyes."
Chikage shrugged. "Regardless, you're going to gain weight, if you eat chocolate every day."
"Moooom," Kaito whined. "Somebody liiikes me. Get excited about it."
"Yippee," Chikage sighed. "Hopefully they're nice and normal this time."
On Monday of the second week of flowers, Kaito finally got the message. It really was "I'm sorry", and who could afford to send flowers so many days in a row but Hakuba Saguru, the man who had wronged Kaito?
Deep down, Kaito felt devastated all over again. He didn't have a secret admirer. There was no new relationship coming his way. There would be no thrill of falling in love with someone new.
And yet, Kaito also felt a twinge of hope flowing through him again. He wasn't being ignored anymore. Hakuba was fighting to win him over once more.
But, then again, this would probably set him back months of therapy. And he hadn't been going all that long.
He decided that he had to tell Hakuba straight that Kaito wished to be left alone. He had to be clear and do what was best for himself. Kaito couldn't take another wave of disappointment and betrayal crashing down upon him.
But then, even after he'd told Hakuba no, the flowers kept coming for another month. It hadn't been a bad month, though. Kaito had slowly been coming out of his shell and opening up to his former friends. He started going out and hanging out with classmates. Some semblance of normalcy was returning to his life, and Katsuragi-sensei was very pleased with his progress.
Things were going so well that Kaito was finally able to convince his mother to go away on a business trip for a week. She'd been doing overnight and weekend trips on occasion, but he'd been unable to persuade Chikage to leave him on his own for more than a day or two at a time.
With several worried glances back and stern instructions that Kaito was to call her immediately if anything should happen, Chikage set out for New York one Sunday.
And then the following day, out of the blue, a lavender rose appeared on Kaito's desk in place of the various apology flowers he'd been receiving.
Enchantment. Hakuba wasn't seriously implying that he was enchanted with Kaito, was he?
"Give me a break," Kaito mentally groaned. "Give my heart a break, will ya?"
The next day, Kaito nearly had a heart-attack when he saw the two roses meaning "mutual feelings".
"It's a joke. Just a sick joke. He's not serious; he's just found a new way of psychologically torturing you."
On the third day, when he received the three red roses, Kaito felt physically ill. It was too cruel. Hakuba didn't love him. He didn't. He couldn't.
Kaito spent the rest of the day quietly sobbing in the nurse's office. Afterwards, he went home and went straight to bed. He was in no condition to deal with this crap. That was the last straw. He had to get away from Hakuba Saguru for his own safety. If Hakuba seriously intended to ask Kaito out, Kaito was afraid he'd be unable to say no, even though he knew it'd be the death of him. He was powerless against the blonde. He had to escape for his own good.
…
Mikau: I had a lot of ground to cover with this chapter, so I decided to take a sort of "snapshot" approach to it, giving you scenes that filled in the cracks in Hakuba's narrative last chapter. I thought it was a good idea at the time, but now I feel like it came out choppy in some parts. What do you guys think? Despite the jumpiness, I feel like there were some good scenes in there and that it painted a clear picture of Kaito's feelings and experiences. At this point, I don't think I'll do "snapshot" writing again. But what's your opinion? Thanks for reading, guys. Have a great day, and I look forward to seeing you again for the final chapter! (Also, the poll's still going on my profile page.)