SOMEONE TO RUN WITH

Disclaimer: In its use of intellectual property and characters belonging to JK Rowling, Warner Bros, Bloomsbury Publishing, et cetera, this work of fiction is intended to be transformative commentary on the original. No profit is being made from this work.

Authors Note: Massive thanks to my beta Amethyst18!

Chapter 4: CONFESSING (Draco)

At the beginning of this year, all I could do was look at the mark that was carved deep into the skin of my left arm. I was hypnotised by it, the way it seemed to pulse with life, calling me, instructing me. It was a symbol of everything that was important to me. Mother had pleaded with me last summer, begged me.

"You're just a child Draco," she had said. "My only child."

She hadn't wanted me to receive the mark, but it had been so easy to ignore her, to shove her protests in that dark, hidden corner in my brain. She should have known it would make no difference. How could a son watch his father be disgraced, to be hauled away like a common criminal, and not do anything? My father had been my hero, an embodiment of what I wanted to become. To see him in Azkaban, to see my mother reduced to a tearful, hysterical creature made me want to scream till my lungs were sore and my throat was dry.

Throughout those confrontations with my mother, Aunt Bellatrix had sat quietly in the corner, her eyes closed, her wand twirling in her fingers and a half smile set on her lips. She knew me better than my own mother. She knew I couldn't bear the thought of going to school and being in the same room as Potter. All I could think about every second, of every day was how I wanted Potter dead. I wanted his blood on my hands and his body at my feet. Potter had taken my father away. Potter had ruined my fucking life and all I wanted to do was to make him hurt as much as I was.

So. I had knelt in front of the Dark Lord, accepting his orders and his branding without a question on my lips. I had felt like a man. My whole being had thrummed with pride and power. I had felt capable of anything.

At the start of the year, the plan had seemed so simple, so easy. I already had the vanishing cabinet at Borgin and Burkes, and all I had to do was fix the one in the Room of Requirement. Every night I was in there trying to get the stupid thing to work, with Goyle and Crabbe keeping look out. And every night I got nowhere. It had all started to go wrong. I could feel these tight, impossible knots twisting up my insides. They pulled and gripped in any which direction. I stopped eating and sleeping, food tasted like ash, and in the night the Dark Lord would come to me. He would whisper things to me, warning me, threatening me. His red eyes burned into my dreams, turning them into nightmares.

All that pride I had felt ebbed away from me, and I was reduced to something so pathetic it made me hate myself. I became desperate, so desperate for a result, for Dumbledore's death. The necklace ...desperation, the mead... desperation. I didn't care about Dumbledore, the old man had never done anything for me, all I cared about were those red eyes. Snape kept appearing round corners, his black gaze fixing on me, trying to read my mind. It took all my strength to block him out of my thoughts, my fears. I couldn't let him see how weak I was becoming. I didn't need his help I would tell myself, a Malfoy could do this. I was a Malfoy. A Malfoy. I didn't need anyone.

I started going to the library, looking for answers in the volumes of text stacked in the endless bookshelves. I kept seeing Granger. In the beginning she made it obvious that she was doing her damnest to ignore me. But maybe she had seen me one too many times and her curious looks lasted longer than they really should. The paranoia that had started to become a real part of my life reared its ugly head. What if she knew? She would tell Dumbledore and that would be it. My life would be over. Potter already seemed to be sticking his nose into where it wasn't wanted and I had this ridiculous notion of house elves following me. So I started talking to her. Throw her off the scent. The kiss, I don't know what I was thinking. It seemed a good idea at the time. The electricity that had flown through me though had scared the shit out off me. I hadn't even felt that with Pansy and I had even used a bit of tongue with her. I had scrubbed my teeth hard when I had gotten back to my dorm that night in an attempt to get the Mudblood germs out my mouth, and was satisfied when I spat blood into the sink. The fact that that was the first night for months I hadn't seen red eyes didn't bear thinking about.

In the mornings when I saw my reflection in the bathroom, I didn't see me anymore, I saw someone else, someone verging on the cusp of madness. I only needed a little push and I would be completely lost. That day when Potter found me was one of those days. Seeing his face in the mirror re ignited all the anger that had been burning in me since that summer. I had genuinely wanted to kill him, and not just give him another paltry broken nose like the one I had given him at the start of term. I hadn't expected to feel pain when his spell hit me, so much pain. But as I lay there, the cold water from the smashed plumbing soaking into my clothes, I thought maybe this was a good thing. My death would end the living nightmare my life had become. My brain had slowly shut down and I had been ready to embrace what would come next. I regretted not being able to tell my mother that I loved her, and may be that she was right, and that I was just a child.

I hadn't been expecting to wake up with the bossy tones of Madame Pomphrey shooing people away from my bed side. Lying on those crisp white sheets I became convinced that I had been given a second chance at life to complete my task. I doubled my efforts. And they had finally paid off tonight. But when I heard my Aunt and the others rattling in the cabinet I had hid. I had squeezed myself between a chest of drawers and a pile of filthy sheets. I heard their confused tones, as they tried to figure out where I had got to. I don't think I even breathed for those everlasting minutes. When I heard them leave the room I just ran as fast as I could. I wanted out of there. I could hear chaos breaking out behind my retreating footsteps and I had wanted none of it. I was a failure. And the Dark Lord would kill me.

And now for the first time in a long while, with Granger standing in front of me, I finally spoke the truth that had been in me all this time.

"I am scared."

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Thanks for reading. Sorry about the wait. Cedari x