Hi, everyone. I broke my pattern by actually uploading this more than a week later. Bad me.
Quick summary of the previous chapter: Basically, Jess and JJ fought because JJ had left Jess again all those years again. Emily and Garcia witnessed the fight. Jess told JJ Ezra had tried to commit suicide, and basically everyone was down after she left. At the end, JJ runs. That's where this chapter begins again. Enjoy!
Emily found her fifteen minutes later in a deserted area of a park near the hotel. JJ was sitting on a bench, shivering visibly; it was a cold night, and a small part of Emily was glad she'd thought to quickly put on a sweater before going after the blonde. The bigger part, however, worried about her friend who was sitting on a cold bench in a deserted part of town.
She approached slowly, not sure what to do or say. The issue was solved for her when JJ started to talk.
"Leave me alone." JJ didn't even look up, just continued to stare at the ground. Emily didn't stop walking.
"I'm not gonna let you push away everyone again, JJ," she replied softly but firmly.
"You don't know anything about me." It was a statement, not an argument or something that needed defending. "So leave. Me. Alone." Good, Emily thought. Anger is good.
"I think we've established I'm not going to leave you," she said in response. She was about two metres away from JJ now, who was still looking down.
"And I think I know what's best for me." JJ finally looked up, and Emily noted that her cheeks were dry. She'd expected tears, but apparently JJ was still holding in.
"Well, that scene inside proved you wrong," she told her. She sat down on the bench, and was glad to notice JJ didn't push her away.
"You don't know anything about me," JJ repeated, and now that Emily could see her face, she could also see the change that had overtaken her. It wasn't JJ anymore; she had the same looks, the same blue eyes but there was something icy, something cold in her glare. Like she didn't care at all. Was this Shelby?
"I want to," she said honestly, looking her friend straight in the eye.
"You don't." Again, it was a statement.
"Look…" she scooted over a little closer, handing over the jacket she had brought for JJ from the hotel. "It's cold. Take it."
JJ stayed still for a moment, then reluctantly took it. When her hand reached out to get the jacket, Emily quickly grabbed it. JJ gasped and tried to jerk her hand away, but Emily held on.
"You cannot hide forever," she told JJ softly but firmly. "One day, it'll come out." JJ didn't say anything, but succeeded in freeing her hand. She put on the jacket and turned away from Emily, staring determinedly in the other direction.
"And we'll be there for you," she continued, even softer. Hesitantly, she reached out and placed a hand on JJ's shoulder. JJ didn't shrug it off, which Emily took as a good sign.
"Can you just leave me alone now?" Something had changed in JJ's voice; she sounded less hostile now. In fact, it sounded like she was close to crying; and after the scene with Jess, Emily wouldn't put it against her. The argument between the sisters had given her a fair idea of what had happened, and it had shocked her beyond words to even hear such things when connected to someone she closely knew. Or thought she knew.
She scooted closer again, determined to give JJ consolation. She couldn't just obey her; JJ shouldn't be alone during moments like this. From what Emily had gathered, she'd always done that, always run when there were problems. It was time she faced them.
When she was close enough, she pulled JJ back against her, wrapping her arms around her. JJ froze, ready to push her away, when Emily repeated her earlier words. "You're not alone." Then she stopped fighting, stopped actually feeling anything. She just sat there like a limp doll, not receiving nor returning the hug. But Emily held on.
"It's too much," JJ finally said, her voice hoarse. She sounded as if she was on the verge of tears.
"We have time," Emily soothed her, somehow understanding JJ without many words. And patience, she mentally added. Knowing JJ, it was take her a while to open up, especially about something buried so deep down.
"Jess needs help," JJ continued as if she hadn't heard Emily. "Jess… she… she needs me."
Emily nodded, knowing JJ would feel the movement. "And you need her," she finished smoothly, not even surprised when JJ almost shot up.
"I don't need her." There was an odd tone in her voice; a battle between missing her sister for so long and the desire for a new life. "She needs me."
Emily fought the urge to roll her eyes. "JJ, honey, it's fairly obvious." The endearment slipped out without any thought, and JJ jerked, momentarily taken back into time. Emily frowned, not missing the movement. It was just something else that hinted towards what she dreaded.
"Do you know?" JJ's voice was soft, but the meaning was unmistakable. She knew they were profilers, trained in recognizing behaviour and patterns. Of course they'd have an idea.
The answer to such a loaded question was tricky. Emily thought for a moment, her own instincts battling over political correctness, but then she decided JJ certainly didn't need extra politics right now.
"Parts," she said honestly. She felt JJ nod.
"About her?" A hint of fear was in her voice.
"Yes," Emily confirmed, catching the true meaning. It was time to play the cards. "And, indirectly, about you."
This time, JJ did stiffen noticeably, almost pulling away from her. But Emily stopped her.
"It's okay," she whispered into her friend's hair. "We won't leave you." Somehow, she knew exactly what to say to make JJ calm down.
JJ freed herself from Emily's grip, turning to face her. Emily couldn't deny her surprise; direct confrontation was not something she'd thought JJ would do at this point.
"How do you know that? You don't know everything."
"I don't think anyone knows everything," Emily half-guessed, and her suspicions were confirmed when JJ ducked her head. "I just know that, whatever it is, it will not change the way we think of you. You will still be JJ."
She knew the moment she said it the last sentence came out wrong. JJ looked up sharply, her eyes showing something close to anger.
"I mean, to us, it won't change our opinion of you," she amended hastily, but JJ didn't budge.
"How can I expect you to understand it when I can't myself?" With those words, she stood up, leaving Emily behind in the bench. She knew she had entered dangerous territory. In a team of profilers, it wouldn't take them long to figure out her life before the FBI. Her life before JJ.
She ended up in a street lighted with neon, obviously the local dance part of the city. Music blared out the windows of every pub.
She felt like drowning her sorrows, but she knew she couldn't. So instead she walked past the pubs until she reached a quieter part of town with a river flowing. She leaned on the railing.
How could she blame Jess for thinking all that when it was exactly what she had been thinking all those years? She had left. She had abandoned them. She hadn't known the consequences then, but she had been the cause of it. It was her fault, no matter how she tried to twist it. They had basically fallen apart after she left.
Ezra tried to commit suicide. The words reverberated in her head. She had never been particularly close with Ezra, not like Daisy or Scott. But he'd been another one stuck up there, another comrade. Even tough Shelby had been able to recognize that, though she hadn't allowed him to get close enough to hurt her again.
It was how she had managed to get through life those few years. If they don't know, they won't leave you, a little voice had whispered in her head, and she only ignored that voice a couple of times. The rest of the time, she had been cold, tough as nails Shelby, not afraid of anything or anyone.
She snorted. Yeah, right. She had been so afraid it had sometimes been hard to breathe. Afraid of him. Afraid of their reactions if they would find out. Afraid of any emotional attachment Peter and Sophie seemed so adamant to form.
She sighed, looking over the river. It was no use, dwelling on the past; what she needed to do was find a way to make Jess see. She needed to help her sister get through this. That was more important than her own misery; she had lived with it for years, she could manage some more.
Eventually she had to return to the hotel. The hallways were silent as she quietly walked through them, determined not to wake anyone up; especially the female parts of the team. And Jess.
When she opened the door to her own room, however, she saw that Emily, Garcia and Jess were still all awake. She could see Jess had been crying; fresh streaks of tears were on her cheeks. Emily, on her part, looked up as soon as JJ entered; a careful expression appeared as she took her in.
She didn't know what to say or do, so she fixed her look on the one non-judgmental person so far: Garcia. The one JJ knew best, the safest option.
"Hey," she said softly. Garcia didn't reply, merely stared at her with her mouth open. JJ kept her calm exterior, but on the inside she wondered frantically what Jess had told them. How far was her sister willing to go?
She turned to look at Jess, trying to see the proverbial damage without actually having to talk about it. Jess looked back, unashamed and something close to pride in her eyes. No hiding anymore.
They knew about her know – they knew at least part of the story on Jess, Emily had even admitted that much. But how much did they know about her?
Not knowing what to say, she waited until someone else opened their mouth. What was there to say, anyway?
She couldn't really decipher the mood in the room; Jess was clearly still angry at her, but she didn't know what her friends thought of the recent developments. Did they blame her, like Jess did? It hurt to even think of it; after all those years of carefully rebuilding walls, she wasn't sure they'd keep up much longer if it was going to continue like this.
Her back was turned to the rest of the room as she rummaged through the drawer the one cupboard their room had, partly to avoid the tension. Therefore, she was surprised when two arms she immediately recognized as belonging to her friend Garcia's were thrown around her.
She stumbled a bit in the sudden bear hug. "Woow," she said when Garcia only held on to her tighter. "Relax, I'm still alive."
"You… This whole life…" Garcia didn't seem to be able to talk properly. "All those years…"
Her eyes flicked to Jess behind Garcia's back. "You told them?" she mouthed to her sister, who was staring at the show in front of her with wide open eyes. Jess shook her head defensively, then pointed at herself, and JJ got the point.
"Pen, breathing's becoming a problem here," she said, smiling briefly at her friend's comfort.
Garcia let go of her, pulling her back and staring at her.
"You do know that, now that the past has come up, you're gonna have to tell us everything," she said pointedly, and JJ involuntarily shivered.
"There's nothing to tell," she lied smoothly, even though she knew none of them were even remotely going to buy it.
"Liar." Jess spoke up, her voice still cold, but JJ could hear a ghost of forgiveness.
Suddenly, a thought struck her. Urgently, without thinking about the rest, she asked her sister: "Jess, how long did he…" she couldn't finish the sentence, but everyone in the room knew what she meant.
"Two years," Jess stated coldly, detached.
JJ's heart broke. Her little sister was trying to cope with something that was way too big for her.
"Three years after I left," she finished, thinking. Jess nodded. "You ran?" She needed to know the facts, she needed to be sure of what happened. If she knew the details, she would be able to help her better.
"I went to Kayleigh."
JJ thought for a moment; who was Kayleigh? Then she remembered a thin girl, not unlike Juliette, some grades lower than she had been.
"But she got married, so I went back. And then he… then I ran."
She could now see the timeline and it shocked her. To think that her sister had been through all that while she had been save up in Quantico made her feel guilty. She'd neglected her duties, the duties any family had, no matter how unconvential they were.
"I'm sorry." She looked straight at her sister when she said it, not even blinking as Jess regarded her for a long time. Then Jess nodded, and JJ felt a surge of relief go through her.
"You have to tell them," Jess said, cocking her head to indicate Garcia and Emily. "They deserve to know."
JJ looked down; she knew she had promised indeed, and she had never been one to break promises.
"You are more important right now," she replied as some form of compromise. Jess didn't take the bait.
"No, I'm not." She was silent for a moment, trying to collect her thoughts. "We can talk if you talk. I… It hurts me to see you hurt. I know you still think of everything every day. You can't have forgotten any of it. I know you still have nightmares."
JJ looked around helplessly, effectively being put in the spotlight. She couldn't deny the accusations made, but thinking about it and talking about it were two entirely different things. She had never talked, she had never really talked. Not even with Scott or Daisy, the two people she'd counted as closest to her; even with them, she had never let go. She couldn't lose them.
She knew now the fear had been irrational; they were all there with a past, they all had problems, and they shouldn't be her friends if they dumped her. So she had never talked about it, even though eventually they knew.
And she had taken that philosophy with her in her new life – not talking meant not hurting. It had been the code she had lived by. She had been tempted sometimes, to tell someone – but she never had.
"They deserve to know," Jess repeated, softer.
She couldn't hold back the sigh that escaped her.
"I know."
No use denying now: if she wouldn't tell, then she was sure Jess would. Her sister was stubborn, and if she had her mind set on anything, she'd stick to it. She'd make sure the story would get out. One way or another.
Anyone get the freely used quotes I put in this chapter? There was one of Bones ('It's a guy hug. Take it.' Sure, keep believing that, Seeley xD) and one of HG ('Breathing's becoming a problem here.' not literal..)
Also, I'd like to say thank you to the people who helped me through this chapter and more. You know who I mean :)
Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and please update!
Oh, another thing: I kind of feel I am just procrastinating the moment where JJ tells the team with this story. Anyone else agree with me? Any ideas? At all? Tell me! I can't promise I'll use them, but it's always useful to hear other readers' thoughts!
Oh, and another (couple of) PSs: I loved Fire in the Ice of Bones. How incredibly cute without being sugary! *Angela squee* It sucks we'll have to wait for the next epi. It sounds so good... (Gravedigger comes back :O) Ok, now, for all the non-Bonesy people: I loved last week's CM, too. Yay for JJ coming back, though I definitely didn't mind Jordan, either. She's cool :). It was a freaky episode, and it hints towards very freaky things...
*terminates babbling*