"Eli, if you don't wake up we'll be late for church!" My dad's deep gravelly baritone voice practically shook me awake as he sat carelessly at the foot of my bed. His hand closed around my foot, giving me a light, awakening shake. I reluctantly opened one eye a crack, casting a glance down at my father, dressed in his trademark Dead Hand shirt and cutoff jean vest.

I rolled over onto my stomach, burrowing my face in the pillow. "Church. That's a funny one dad," I mumbled grouchily, my voice muffled by the pillow. My dad's room rattling laugh boomed out and I gave up any hopes of getting back to sleep. I shifted to my back, running my lanky fingers through my limp, bed mussed hair.

"You know, Eli, your room's lookin' great. I actually could walk straight to your bed rather than havin' to hike over Mt. Eli," My dad rumbled appreciatively, looking around my room. "Anyways you should be gettin' up soon your mom wants us to have lunch together before I gotta go to the radio show," he mumbled, ambling out of my room. I slowly sat up, surveying my room with anxiety ridden eyes. My dad was right; significant amounts of things were missing.

"M-my things." I stammered quietly, rubbing the sleepy fog out of my eyes to make sure I wasn't seeing things. It hadn't fully hit me how much of an impact Clare and I's daily clean ups had made on my room. Cold shivers rocketed up and down my spine and my sweaty palms wrung together. The sound of rubber tires squealing on a rain slicked road and Julia's body making a dull thud on the pavement echoed in my head.

"No, no no no," I muttered, my hands flying to my forehead. I kneaded against my temples with the calloused heels of my hands, trying to get the sound out of my head.

"She's gone, I'm so sorry," The doctor's voice came into my head next. Followed by the usual; images of Clare's broken body lying, bloodied and bruised. Adam stepping unknowingly into the street in front of a speeding bus, an oblivious smile on his face as the bus hurled towards him. My mom. Clare. Dad. Adam. Julia. The images flashed in and out on the insides of my squeezed shut eyelids. I scrunched over, my fingers raveling in my hair. I pulled hard on the hanks of hair, wanting to just tear out my mind and rid myself of the macabre slideshow playing behind my eyes.

I sprang to my feet, hurtling out of my room and down the stairs; taking them two at a time.

"Eli I invited Clare over for lunch!" My mom's voice drifted in from the kitchen but her words were lost on me; I had only one thing on my mind. I tore open the front door, intent on getting to the curb before the trash truck came and carted off the boxes of my stuff. Instead, I almost ran smack into Clare. She stood on my front porch, hand raised to ring the doorbell as I practically threw myself out the door. I barreled into Clare and heard a small rush of air escape her dainty lips as I knocked the breath out of her.

"Clare!" I shrieked in relief. I threw my arms around her, yanking her to me in a tight embrace.

"Well hi to you too! Is everything okay?" Clare chuckled, patting my back gently.

"No- no nothing is okay. I need you to get inside please. Please, please j-just go inside." I begged manically. Clare's expression quickly changed from bemused to concerned.

"Eli, what is it? What's wrong?"

"I need my stuff! Okay Clare? I- I can't just throw her out. I can't hurt someone again!" The words came out rushed and garbled together as I pushed past Clare, making strides for the boxes on the curb. A small hand closed around my forearm. I wrenched my arm out from Clare's grasp and continued on my madman's mission. The trash truck could be here any minute and the images in my mind were just getting more and more prevalant.

"The damage done by the car was too severe- we couldn't resuscitate her." The doctor's voice echoed in my head. Clare. Adam. Mom. Dad. Julia. Julia. Julia. Always Julia. Her body lying spread-eagle style on the road, her beautiful dark hair marred by the thick amounts of red blood running from the back of her head.

I finally reached the boxes after what felt like a life time. I fell to my knees in front of them, savagely trying to claw them open. The shakiness of my hands inhibited my ability to pry the box open and I could feel the desperation growing in the pit of my chest. I was vaguely aware of Clare calling my name behind me. I didn't register her until she was by my side on her knees, shaking my shoulder gently.

"Eli please-"

"Clare. I can't!" I screamed, twisting to face her, my chest rising and falling rapidly trying to catch my breath. "It's all I see. You, Adam, my parents. And it's my fault Clare. My fault!" The threat of tears adorned my voice with tremors. Clare grabbed my face in her hands.

"Eli your parents are safe inside, I promise. They're fine! Adam is fine! Everyone is okay!" I shook my head violently, pawing for the box again. Clare cupped my cheeks gently before she pulled me towards her, stroking the back of my head with her gentle, soothing touch.

"I'm not going anywhere, Eli. Like I said, you're stuck with me. It's going to take more than just throwing out some old stuff to get rid of me that easily," She murmured in my ear. The warmth of her hand on the back of my head diminished the images and I reclaimed my sanity, sucking in a deep breath and slowly unclenching my fists. I twined my shaky arms around Clare, pulling her closer to me and burying my face in her shoulder.

"Thank you," I murmured, ashamed of myself.

"It's fine, Eli. It could have happened to anyone,"

"Not anyone with two ounces of sanity in them," I mumbled, furious with myself for making Clare see that.

I felt Clare shake her head angrily and she pulled out my embrace, her vibrant blue eyes meeting mine. "Eli, you are not crazy. Do you hear me? You lost someone special to you. That sort of loss never leaves us and you've been doing so well with everything, it amazes me how strong you are. But you are no where near crazy, understand me?" The strength and belief behind her words shocked me, and I nodded almost obediently.

Clare stood, brushing the dirt off of her Sunday dress, extending a tiny pink palm to me. "Come on,"

I beamed up at her warmly, taking her hand in mine and allowing her to help me to my feet. The chugging of an old engine behind me drew my attention. The trash truck was coming down my street, headed straight for my house. My muscles tensed and the urge to go save my stuff threatened to overpower me once more, but Clare squeezed my hand lightly. I turned away from the trash.

But that's precisely what it was; trash. I didn't need it in my life anymore, I had my beautiful girlfriend who smiled up at me like I was the sun. My hand fastened more securely around hers and I pulled her so we were shoulder to shoulder so I could wrap one arm around her shoulders.

"Thank you for being here," I murmured, pressing my lips against the top her head.

She glanced up at me, replying simply, "Always."

Hope you guys liked this :) I worked really hard on it. I hope Eli does relapse and Clare is there for him for it in the show because I think the hardest part of any addiction is the with drawl.

I've been drug free for a month and a half and it's been so hard but I'm sticking with it. ( no judgements please- I've made some dumb decisions :/ ) So I really poured my heart into this one xD

By the way, if you guys haven't caught on the titles for all the chapters are songs.

I don't own Degrassi.

Review? :)