See Chapter One for disclaimers.
Again a shout out to Giwu for the beta. Thanks.
Chapter 4
Over the next month Sara and Grissom barely saw each other outside of work. The busy lab was overrun with a string of gang related shootings and rapes. In addition to that, there were three other murders with very distinct scene similarities. Gil feared a serial killer was in Vegas and Sara was beginning to agree with him.
Because of that whenever the couple had down time to spend together neither one chose to discuss the issue of children. They wanted to focus on the things that brought them together instead of the one thing that divided them.
One Friday night over a month since their romantic stroll in the suburban mall the couple had another evening off together, but Grissom's mind was not on relaxing. He was in his study with crime scene photos spread out over his desk examining every detail from the style and layout of the carpet to the type of televisions the victims had owned. Sara watched from the doorway. She had seen this before, non-stop work, non-stop concentration. She had missed him so much this past month. They hadn't even made love more than twice since he had said he would consider the idea of having a child.
In an effort to bring him around and draw him out Sara had ordered dinner from their favorite Chinese place, set their table with a nice white table cloth and linen napkins, and white scented candles. She turned on one of Grissom's CDs that were compiled by the two of them for romantic night at home. All she needed now was her husband.
"Gil," Sara said softly in the doorway. He didn't answer her or even look up from his work. She tried again speaking louder and adding a knock on the door frame. "Gil!"
This time he looked up, but did not start. "Yes, what is it?"
"I ordered some dinner from Jade Garden and it is all ready. Please come and eat," she requested.
"I'm working Sara," he answered. "You go ahead and eat."
"Gil, just stop for an hour. Just one hour. We haven't been able to spend any time together in over a month," she reminded him.
"I know, Sara but…" He stopped when he saw her cross he arms and raise an eyebrow. He removed his glasses and stood up, "I know when to quit. I'll take short break."
Grissom followed Sara to the dining room. He took in the table linens, the candles, and the music. "Sara," he said gently. "I have a lot of work to do."
"I know," she acknowledged. "But I miss you. I miss your arms around me. Can we just spend a little time together tonight?" Sara asked running her palms over his shirt lacing her fingers behind his neck.
Grissom tilted his head and gently kissed her before wrapping his arms around her, "A little break," he agreed, then released her. He pulled out the chair she always sat in and poured their drinks before taking his own seat.
"I IMed with your mother today," Sara said in between bites of her tofu stir-fry.
"Oh, how is she?" he asked. He usually set aside a few hours a week to "talk" with his mother but since things had become busy at work he had not had a chance in nearly three weeks.
"She's good. She's having lunch with a gallery owner from La Jolla something about a charity show for aspiring artists," Sara replied. "She invited us to visit next month before it gets really hectic for her."
"I don't know that we can guarantee time to do that," Grissom replied. "Maybe you could go."
"Somehow I think she'd prefer if we had to come separately that she got to see you instead of me," Sara replied. "You haven't seen her since the July after we got married."
"Has it been that long?" he asked taking a bite of his meal.
"Yes, it has," Sara replied. "If you can't see a way for us to go visit her why don't we invite her here?"
"We could," he admitted. "Still my mom…Forget it."
"Oh, no you don't," Sara said. "You do not start a sentence like that then say forget it."
"I'm just too tired to have the discussion I know will occur when I tell you," Grissom replied.
"I see," Sara sighed nodding as she began to understand. "What do you tell her when she asks about the thing you don't want to talk about?"
"Not much," he answered. "I usually tell her it's not something you or I really considered. I haven't discussed it with her since I found out I was wrong."
"It's not such a stretch," Sara sighed. "That once two people fall in love and get married, they have a family. The world has survived on that concept for a very long time."
"It has and it is not a foreign idea in the least," Grissom acknowledged. "That is why I am considering it."
Sara just nodded and changed the subject. "Well if you don't want to visit your mom on our annual vacation I did pick up some brochures at the travel agency yesterday."
"Where did you have in mind?" he asked. The summer before they had gone to Niagara Falls and Cooperstown and about a year before that they had honeymooned in Cancun . "Somewhere with a beach would be nice."
"I don't know," Sara said. "I was thinking more of a place where I wouldn't have to wear a bathing suit."
Grissom laughed at that, "You look amazing in a bathing suit, honey."
"Yeah," she agreed softly pushing her plate forward and her seat back in one fluid motion.
"Sara!" Grissom sighed and rose to follow her to the kitchen where she had retreated to scrub non-existent grease off their tea kettle. He put two hands on her shoulders, "I promised to think about it," he reminded her.
"Not much to think about when you've already made up your mind," she told him.
"I…What do you want me to do here?" he asked.
"I don't want to fight," Sara said in answer.
"Neither do I. I want to talk," Grissom said getting angry.
"You said you were too tired to talk about this tonight."
"That obviously doesn't matter, so let's discuss it," he all but snapped in frustration.
"Why are you fighting this so much?" she asked plaintively.
Grissom had no answer, at least not one that he wanted to share with Sara. The truth was he was scared to death of the idea of becoming a parent because he knew he wouldn't be any better at it than his own father was had been, or any of his uncles for that matter. Sara would tell him that she felt she would still be a good mother after the childhood of horrors she had endured. He did not have to be afraid, but still he was. He just could never admit that fact openly to his wife. He did the only thing he could to answer her question then, and that was by getting defensive, "I don't know," he answered. "So why don't we forget it. We'll just do it your way."
"No," she replied obviously hurt, tears stinging her eyes. "I don't want you to be a sperm donor; I want you to be a father. I want you to want this as much as I do."
"I don't know if that will ever happen. I still need more time," Grissom replied his tone of voice softening at the sight of her pain-filled eyes.
"By the time you make up your mind it may be too late," Sara murmured.
The phrase stung. She had said those words before only that was about him deciding what to do about them and the feelings they harbored for one another. She had been telling him she would not wait around for him forever, that she would at some undefined time have to take her life into her own hands. Maybe she meant that now as well. With fear in his heart he asked for clarification. "What do you mean by that?"
"I mean a woman has a limit on her ability to bear children. I'll be 36 years old this September. The risks will increase and the ease of conception will decrease with each passing year," Sara explained. She knew Grissom was smart enough to know that fact, but still he had asked.
Grissom nodded, "I promised I'd think about it."
"You've had over a month," Sara pointed out to him.
"And in that month we've had an eruption in gangland, a new and escalating signature killer who is very smart and daring, not to mention all of the regular issues we have to deal with on a daily basis," Grissom defended. "I have not exactly had the luxury of being able to focus my attention on the baby situation."
"Like I said, Gil," Sara sighed putting her hands up in front of her in a gesture of surrender. "I don't want to fight."
Grissom closed his eyes and pulled her close. She pushed against him for a moment the then relaxed into his arms, relishing being held by him again. He softly kissed her forehead and spoke gently, "I'm not trying to hurt you or make you angry. I understand a family is something you really want us to have. I'm just not sure if I can actually be what you want or need me to be as a result."
Against his chest Sara spoke with equal softness, "All I ever want or need is for you to be yourself. I just think that you are naturally a very nurturing and caring man. You would make a wonderful father."
In her hair he answered, "I don't feel being a father is who I am. No matter how hard I try to put myself in that role, imagine myself there…I just can't do it. I have tried, honey. Believe me I have."
Grissom's voice sounded defeated and Sara realized that busy or not her husband had been fighting a war within himself, one that was internally tearing him to bits. She wanted that to stop more than anything, even more than she wanted to give him a child to love and to teach about the world. Still, when she heard his voice, his tone, she knew she would never get that chance. His words had not said no, exactly, but his tone had.
Sara's body shook a bit as she fought the urge to cry. "Okay, then. At least it is settled," was all she managed to get out before letting go. Grissom held her tight to him, rocking her gently alternating between kissing and stroking her hair. Sara cried hard, clutching at his shoulders, digging her nails into the back of his shirt as she clung to him letting the pain of a dream now dead flow from her body.
Grissom made soft crooning sounds to her as she sobbed, supporting her in her grief. It killed him to see her hurt, to see her cry, but it was better to hurt her once now than to witness this for years to come. Then she would not only be crying for herself but for an innocent life, both caused by him. Sara did not deserve a lifetime of hurt, and neither would any child of their union. It was only that thought that kept his resolve against his wife's tears, that and the knowledge, that painful or not this decision was right, even the best for both of them.