"Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself." - Mark Twain

Chapter Four

As it often was with dreams, Loki could never make sense of his.

Most days, he would simply wake and childishly attempt to decipher what he had seen in sleep. His dreams were rarely pleasant, and he remembered as a child listening to Thor's descriptions of his dreams; flying through the clouds or winning great battles in other realms they had not yet seen. Loki would rarely share his own dreams to Thor. There were some things even he knew were best left unsaid.

And then one day, when he was nine, Thor had just described a particularly happy dream to Loki over breakfast: they had gone together to Álfheim, the mystical realm of Light Elves, a place they had not visited and would not until they were of age. (And how long away that seemed to him then!) His descriptions of the Festival of Grímnismál, something they had only heard about in stories, were so vivid and beautiful that Loki felt a sense of sadness when it was over. He couldn't now remember the exact details anymore - such things like that found their way out of his memory banks as the years progressed - but he did remember Thor asking him to share his dream that morning, too.

"I don't remember," Loki said, as he always said when this question was asked.

"I'm starting to think you lie when you say that," Thor replied. "Even Mother remembers her dreams."

"I see."

Loki must have made an unpleasant face, because Thor threw a piece of bread at him and laughed.

"C'mon, brother, just tell me your dream and be done with it. I grow bored of always telling my own dreams, while you hide yours."

"You don't want to know," Loki said quietly. "Mine are not as…nice as yours."

Thor looked at him strangely.

"Nice?"

"Yes," Loki said, and looked down at his plate, pushing his fruit around with his fork. Not looking at his brother, because he suddenly felt a strange sense of shame. "You go on adventures, while I have dreams that sometimes wake me at night out of fear."

"Nightmares?" Thor asked. "Does Mother know?"

Loki's head snapped up, and he narrowed his eyes. "Mother doesn't have to know everything, Thor," he said impatiently.

Thor stared at him like he had sprouted horns.

"Of course she does," he said simply, as if there was no other answer he could possibly supply.

Without missing a beat, Loki snapped, "Does Mother know you hide sweets in your dresser?"

Thor's face paled, but he said sharply, "That is not what I meant, Loki!"

"Is it not?" Loki replied, a smirk creeping over his face. Thor was so easy to antagonize, it was almost impossible for him to pass up the chance. Thor looked momentarily dumbfounded, as always when Loki played such tricks. Loki crinkled his nose at him, and Thor picked up another piece of bread.

"Don't even think about throwing that at your brother, Thor."

Frigga had entered the room, and Thor dropped the bread quickly on his plate as if it had burned him. She sat at the table, and poured herself a glass of tea. Thor shot a glace at Loki, and he knew that look well - Don't tell her or you'll regret it.

"Good morning, Mother," Thor and Loki said almost in unison. Frigga looked at both of them, one eyebrow raised, and began to butter a roll.

"What are we fighting about this morning, boys?" she asked cheerfully.

"We aren't fighting," Thor said quickly, leaving Loki to sit in silence. Loki took a bite of fruit and sighed softly. He wouldn't tell her Thor's secret, but it irritated him that Thor always jumped to speak for the both of them. Not just at breakfast, but lunch and dinner too.

"Of course you aren't," she said, taking a sip of her tea, and giving a small smile. Loki sat frozen, wanting to say something, anything - he was suddenly bursting with it, but did not know why. Thor gave him a sidelong glance and Loki saw nervousness on his face.

"Mother, I wish to tell you of my dream last night," Thor said, too loud. Loki hunched down in his seat, knowing his time to speak had gone. He loved Thor, really, truly he did - but he grew quite tired of being something like his shadow. And when Thor launched into his story again, Loki found he couldn't really listen to Thor's words, and he stood to leave.

"And then -"

"Loki, where are you going? Do you not wish to hear his story?" Frigga asked, cutting Thor off.

"Well…" Loki started, uncomfortably aware of his face coloring. "You see, Mother, I've already heard it, and I was hoping to go to the library before long."

Frigga smiled. "Of course. You do so love books."

He stood there awkwardly for a moment, trying to decide if her words were a permission of dismissal or if she wanted him to stay. Sometimes she was as hard to read as one of the books he had intended on looking at that day. Thor did not say anything, and Loki realized he was still worrying he would spill his secret.

"Yes Mother, I do. I shall see you later," he finally said, and left the table. As he left, he heard the sound of Thor resuming his story as if Loki had never been there at all.

()()()

Loki sat up quickly in bed, not sweating or breathing deeply or in fear, but nonetheless, the dream had awoken him just the same. He struggled to adjust to the darkness and pulled the blanket off his lap, meaning to get up, but instead he laid back down against the soft silken pillow.

The strange thing about this dream was that it wasn't really a dream at all. It was a memory, and it came to him as clear as day; even clearer than one of Heimdall's visions. Loki rolled over and squeezed his eyes shut, battling between forgetting about the entire thing or holding onto it as a child would a stuffed animal for fear of it being taken away. It was a memory he didn't even know he had - he had long since thought of it; it bore no consequential weight in his life. Nothing had happened that morning that was worth remembering. But somehow, as always with dreams, he woke feeling as if he were nine again - he almost let himself believe that it was truth. Because if he was a child, then that would mean that Thor could come bursting through the door, to tell him to get dressed and get ready for a day of adventure. Loki found that thought oddly comforting, despite the fact that it was impossible. Thor would never again say anything of the sort to him; it was unlikely he would ever even truly talk to Thor again, as himself.

Loki found a sense of sadness in that thought. But then he found himself frowning, furrowing his brow and using all the techniques he knew to push the thought away. He focused on the emotion - the strain of thought leading to the emotion, pushed them down, and shredded them to pieces. Using this technique gave him a moment of alleviation, but he knew it wouldn't last long.

He let his thoughts wander to Sif, whom he had sent out yesterday evening to Midgard. He did not know if she had returned already, or if they would wait for daybreak. But what he did know is that he grew apprehensive waiting. He was confident that if she had returned in the middle of the night, he would have been alerted. But most likely, she was still on Midgard, perhaps giving Thor and Jane time to prepare. And Loki almost snorted at this - there was no true way to prepare for this. Immortality was not something one could casually mark on a calendar.

He laid there for a little while longer, knowing that the chance of any more sleep was long gone. His mind felt murky as he tried to distract him with other thoughts, but he found it impossible to truly gravitate away from thoughts of Thor and Frigga and his life before their fated trip to Jötunheim. How easy it had been then; how easy had it been to know his place, to simply be. Loki thought briefly about his relationship with Thor before; they had been close, but Thor understood Loki less and less as they grew older. Loki had always been one for mischief and tricks, truly, just as Thor had always been one for impatience and physical strength. They were so opposite in many ways, even in appearance, and yet Loki had never once questioned who Thor was to him.

Until, of course, Loki found out the truth - and even now he found himself angry for not figuring that little bit out himself. He was so different from any other Asir - he did not take after Frigga or Odin; in fact he looked and acted nothing like any of them at all. But he had never been given any reason to think that he was different. In truth, Frigga almost favored him, in her own way - but Odin had always favored Thor, had always ignored his slights while not hesitating to calling out Loki for his… He remembered suddenly Thor's pained words to him on Midgard, after his capture from Stuttgart. "You give up the Tesseract. You give up this poisonous dream! You come home…" As if it had been an option at that point. All Loki could do was look away, to ignore Thor's words, to pretend they hadn't been said. No, it hadn't been an option, even if he wasn't under the influence of The Others. He would have ever been welcomed on Asgard as himself again, after all that had happened.

But he did not think too much about that aspect of it. It mattered not if he had killed two, eighty, ten thousand Midgardians - and on that thought, what would it have mattered if he had actually managed to destroy every single Jötunn on that worthless, icy rock of a realm? As far as he was concerned, Asgard stopped being his home the second Odin told him he was stolen goods. And in reality, Odin was simply confirming something Loki had already almost known -

It all makes sense now. Why you favored Thor all these years. Yes, it certainly did all make sense now. I have never belonged, Loki thought viciously. Not ever.

Loki sighed into the dark of his chambers and finally made himself sit up. He walked to the window and saw the beginnings of the sun rising. He watched it for a moment, suddenly feeling quite tired despite the fact that the idea of sleep was impossible at this point. Sif would surely be returning soon, with Thor and Jane in tow. Loki felt a strange hollowness at the thought - it was what he wanted, what he decided and what he was waiting for, but he knew the next few days would be taxing and exhausting. He thought of his conversation with Heimdall again - "But as Allfather, you certainly have ways of hiding the things you need to, do you not?" Loki let himself smile slightly, and began to get ready for the day.

Yes, he was in complete control of the situation. Everything would work out exactly as he planned – even if he had to use all the magic in the Nine to ensure it.

()()()

Loki sat on the throne, doing his best to look regal and prepared for the arrival of Thor and Jane.

He did not know what to expect, in truth, despite his reassurances to himself that he had this under complete control. Thor was usually predictable, but in this instance, Loki had difficulty imagining his reaction. He did not really think that Thor would come bursting through the doors in great spirits and appreciation, but it would surely be the easier than the alternative. Loki saw clearly in his mind's eye Thor reaching for Mjölnir, its handle glinting dangerously in even complete darkness. That was something he wished to avoid.

The room was silent - the only sounds to be heard were those distant of the city below. Time seemed to stand still, in a way. He wondered how much longer he would have to wait; Heimdall had sent word that they were preparing to arrive - but didn't say how soon.

Loki cast his glance around the enormous room - to the pillars that were destroyed and then repaired after Malekith found his way into Asgard. Most would not know that anything that catastrophic had happened here, but Loki knew better. Even the throne he sat upon was newly crafted and not quite the same as the previous one. He wondered if Thor would even notice the small differences to this room where they'd both spent so much time in.

His eyes landed on the Warriors Three, who were talking amongst each other in quiet tones, waiting for the arrival. Loki strained his ears to hear what they were saying, but found that he could not. He wondered if they were suspicious of his plan, but realized they probably were not. As far as he could tell, nobody questioned him in his rule as Odin - the Asir were quite good at ignoring blaring truths if they were masked well enough.

And then, he heard a commotion that disrupted his thoughts. He stood out of instinct, squeezing Gungnir reflexively, before he realized that what he had heard was cheering and the sounds of people clapping and yelling in joy.

Thor was back, and Loki's mouth went dry.

He forced himself to sit, although it almost physically pained him to do so. He felt his foot twitch uncomfortably from the surge of adrenaline that had suddenly shot through him, and realized that he was holding his breath. He tried to remind himself that he was in complete control - that he was king and not Thor, and that in a few days they would be on their way back to Midgard and he would be in indefinite peace. But not even that could truly calm him, and he braced himself for their entrance.

And after what felt like an eternity, he heard the great doors open and in came Thor, marching his way up to Loki. Behind him trailed Sif and Jane, and Loki watched them warily.

Thor had seen fit to dress in Asgardian attire; he wore his familiar armor and cape - its red color as deep as blood. He was not wearing his helm, and Loki's eye snapped to Mjölnir at his waist. Thor looked grave, and he was not smiling.

Loki watched Jane, then, but he could not have been more disappointed. She was smaller than he remembered; she looked pale, despite the obvious fact that she was physically straining herself to keep up with Thor's pace, and her face was a canvas of emotion. He saw fear, he thought, and something else he couldn't name.

He momentarily tried to decide if he should stand or not. He decided to stay seated until Thor required him to stand, which would most likely happen quite soon, given the look on his face. He quickly thought of the last time he had seen Thor as himself: he was pretending to die on the barren wastelands of Svartalfheim, and Thor had been grief stricken and ranted, telling Loki that he would tell Odin that he died with honor. Loki wondered very suddenly what Thor would do if he knew just who was sitting on the throne.

"Father, I trust you're well?" Thor finally said, more of a statement than a question, and he stopped about twenty feet from Loki. Thor seemed to hesitate, but then knelt, Sif following suit. Jane looked slightly awkward for a moment, casting her eyes from Thor to Loki, but apparently decided that she would not kneel herself. Loki knit his brow slightly.

"Stand up," he said, and the two of them stood.

"Father…" Thor began, and trailed off. He looked around the room, then to Jane, who looked worried. Her eyes flicked to Loki, and he felt a stab of irritation at her brashness. Is this how she greeted Odin the last time she was here?

"I would ask you to explain what is going on," Thor said.

"Surely Lady Sif explained?" Loki asked, gesturing toward the woman in question. Sif looked slightly nervous.

"She…said that you would give Jane the test," Thor said, and Loki did not miss the intonation he put on Jane's name. As if he were speaking of something sacred, and Loki wanted to laugh at the pure amusement he took in it. Thor had known Jane for hardly any time at all; truly, he had known pets longer than this Midgardian.

"She spoke correctly."

"And what is the meaning of this?" Thor exclaimed, and his hand went dangerously close to Mjölnir. "I was free to go not three months ago, and now this?"

"Watch your tone, Thor," Loki said, providing an allusion of calm, but his heart was thumping madly in his chest. He chose this moment to stand, and he gripped Gungnir so tightly he stopped feeling his fingers. It would not do to have Thor lose his tempter so early on, and Loki fixed him with an unwavering stare.

"Father, I do apologize," Thor said, quieter, looking down at his feet for a moment. "But I do not understand -"

"Lady Sif, I thank you for your service. You are free to go. Thor, and Lady Jane, I would that you accompany me to my study so we may discuss this in private."

Sif nodded curtly and departed, taking the Warriors Three with her. He watched them leave and then cast his gaze to Thor and Jane, who stood solemnly.

"There is no need to look as if you are at a funeral. Come, we shall talk over this in a more comfortable setting."

Loki began to make his way to his study, aware of the two of them following him, but not too closely. Nobody spoke until they reached the room and Loki closed the door.

Nobody spoke for a few moments, and Loki did not sit. He looked to Thor, then to Jane, and then turned to the window, never putting Gungnir down. He was still gripping it too tightly.

"I do know this seems sudden," Loki said. "I do apologize for that."

His words were met with more silence. He let out a soft sigh, loud enough to be heard, but still, Thor did not speak, and nor did Jane. Loki turned to look at her again, and found her staring him straight in the eye. He almost lifted an eyebrow at the sight - she was clearly braver than he realized, or she did not understand the proper way to look to a king. Loki rather thought it was the latter.

"Jane, do you know what the test is?"

His question seemingly took Jane by surprise. She parted her mouth, and then cast Thor a quick glance, as if in question for permission to speak.

"Answer him," Thor said, softly.

"I…" Jane started. She looked back to Loki again, her brown eyes filled with a wild, untamed emotion that he could not place. "That…well, Sif explained it a little. You want to grant me…immortality." She said the word as if she were testing it out; it did not well roll off her tongue and she paused a moment before continuing. "Something about a room…the Room of the Unknown. And there would be apples?"

Loki chuckled. She sounded so young. Like a child. And she certainly looked the part, too; he regarded her small frame and youthful face, so full of doubt.

"That is the idea of it, yes," Loki said. "You will not live forever, Jane."

He had meant the words to come out softly, more like a gentle reminder than a jab - but when she bit her lip and looked to the floor, he realized that there was no true way to lightly tell someone their time was short. Surely, she already knew this fact. Thor had no doubt told her how old he was, or at least alluded to have lived a very long time. Loki briefly closed his eyes and realized that she probably could not even fathom how long they actually lived.

"I know that," Jane said, her tone unreadable and yet he saw something like defiance on her features. "But…how can you just decide to give me immortality? Do I not have a say in something like this?"

Loki started slightly at her questioning. He had expected resistance from Thor, because he would know what the test entailed…mostly. But he had never anticipated Jane not actually wanting what he was offering. Truly, didn't all Midgardians wish to live forever? He thought of his brief times on Midgard, the last one being his most recent reference. He remembered watching the news, reading articles, listening to the mortals speak. Death was not something they wished for; in fact, they strove to prolong their short lives as much as possible. They had organizations devoted to keeping people alive.

"Forgive me," Loki said. "But are you suggesting that you do not want this?"

Jane looked from Thor to Loki, unease on her face. Thor was not giving her much to go on; Loki saw anger on his features. He was certain they had talked about this meeting before they came, but none of this seemed rehearsed.

"I don't know what I want," she replied. "I don't really even understand what immortality means, at least to you. But I do know that if I don't pass this test, you will wipe my memories. I will forget about all of this…I'll forget about Thor, about…about Asgard. I'll forget the links that connected my work together. You have to realize that this is a huge decision?"

"Of course it is. I am giving you a choice, Jane. But if you don't accept, you will go back to Midgard and die soon. Your lifetime is but a blink to us. I was simply offering you something that you would be foolish to pass up. I want to see the only son I have left happy, and this is the obvious answer."

Jane hesitated. Then, "But what is the test? Nobody seems to be able to answer that."

"It is called the Room of the Unknown for a reason," Loki said. "I only know the rules; I do not truly know what lies inside it."

"Then what are the rules?" she pressed. "Thor said something about withstanding something like a trial for an hour. What is it? I don't understand."

Thor sat down in one of the big leather chairs he was standing beside. He put his face in his hands, and Loki found himself taken aback by the motion. Jane shot a glance to him, and then back to Loki.

"The rules are simple. You enter the Room, and then we wait. You have an hour to face whatever lies inside. You will be frightened, but you must not call out to Thor. You must not call out for anybody. When the hour is up, if you have succeeded, you will be granted the Golden Apples - and with immortality, you will be one of us, in most senses."

Jane looked dazed; she sat down as well, and Thor raised his head to look at Loki.

"This is not right. Jane should not have to face such a monster."

"Monster?" she cried.

"Thor -" Loki began in a warning tone, but Thor cut him off.

"For what else could lie beyond those doors? A monster, truly. To prove worthiness, you are faced with your worst fears. Every thing you have ever feared, in every way that you could possibly imagine - and worse. I do not like this, Father. I do not wish to subject Jane to it."

Loki stared at Thor, anger boiling in his throat. He wished quite suddenly that he could raise Gungnir and blast Thor into a hundred thousand pieces; he wished he could banish him to the pits of Hel. For it is only because of Thor that Loki brought them here in the first place, and now he wondered if he had been better off leaving them on Midgard.

"Father, I will not allow Jane to do this. She has already proved herself worthy of immortality. She survived the Aether in her veins. She saved all of the Nine from Malekith using her science. I will not-"

"Silence!"

Thor fell quiet, and Loki realized that he had only slightly raised his hand - tilt outside, thumb stiff, first two separated from second two - and he quickly balled his hand into a fist to avoid giving himself away. Thor did not seem to have noticed, and Loki almost sunk to the ground in relief - his heart was thumping so madly in his chest he thought it might burst out.

He looked to Jane, who had an expression of confusion and anger on her face. Loki took a deep breath in attempts to calm himself, and when he spoke, it was loud and full of command.

"I will send someone to show you to your chambers. We may further discuss this when you have calmed yourself."

"I hardly need to be shown-"

"Thor, I will have no more last remarks from you. I think you forget who is king," Loki said, and Thor stopped speaking immediately. Jane's eyes followed him as he left the study, but if she flinched at the sound of him slamming the door shut, he wouldn't have known.

This would have been posted much earlier, but the site was down. So, here you go! Happy Christmas, or whatever you celebrate. Already almost done with the next chapter - so expect an update soon. :) Reviews appreciated, as always!