Chapter 4: Nightmares

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Tony was in the kitchen making dinner for himself and Bruce and found himself wondering what Pepper was doing in this moment. Was she even worried about him? It had been a few hours since she had left so perhaps she wasn't worrying yet. Was it too early to worry? For all she knew, he could've offed himself after she left him.

Not that he was thinking of doing anything of the sort, of course. It'd just be nice to know that she was still concerned about him.

As he was cooking the chicken and vegetables, he could smell a clean, fresh pine scent fill the air of the kitchen. Tony glanced around and saw Bruce dressed in one of his t-shirts and a pair of shorts. He smiled to himself before chuckling.

"Don't rip those or you'll be buying me new ones, Hulkster."

Bruce shook his head and sighed as he walked over to the fridge and took out a bottle of water. "I wasn't planning to. Your confidence in me is truly astounding, Tony," he replied sarcastically. "I don't think there's anyone in this world that has more faith in me than you do, really…"

"I don't think there's anyone in this world that can be as sarcastic as you," Tony stirred the vegetables in the pan.

"Well I figured since it's the only language you can speak fluently, I should speak it too since I'm in your house and all…"

Tony sensed a bit of anger in his voice and looked up to see Bruce standing almost defensively, his arms crossed in front of his chest. "Hey, relax, man. I didn't mean to upset you. I was just kidding around."

"Sorry, I have difficulty doing that when I'm around you and you make at least two or three Hulk jokes every time I see you." Bruce ran a hand through his damp hair, relaxed a little, and then motioned to his own body. "I hope you don't mind me borrowing your clothes for now. I'll have to go grab mine tomorrow."

Tony waved it off. "It's fine, I don't mind. Hope you're hungry because it's done. Grab some plates from the cabinet by the sink."

Bruce did as he was told as Tony shut off the pan and poured equal portions of food on each plate. Would you like some wine with dinner?"

He gave a weak smile but shook his head. "I think it's better if I stick with water. Wine makes me unpredictable sometimes, overemotional. Thanks, though."

Tony nodded and watched his friend sit down at the table before he took his own plate and sat down across from him. "Jarvis, some music to set the mood, please?"

"Certainly, sir. What is your preference?"

Stark and Banner both exchanged looks and Tony got the hint quickly from the man's brilliant green eyes. "Uh, how about something calming?"

"Classical, it is, sir."

Faint violins could soon be heard now, echoing off the acoustics in the house. Banner looked grateful now and started to eat. The two men ate their meal in silence as the music filled the empty spaces between them. Tony watched as Bruce wiped his mouth with a napkin and set it down.

"That was really good, thank you, Tony."

He swallowed his bite before he glanced at Bruce's plate that still had food on it. "You've only finished about a quarter of it. You're done? Did performing my surgery earlier make you lose your appetite?"

Banner shook his head, half apologetically, and shrugged. "I just… I haven't been that hungry lately. I appreciate you cooking it, though."

Tony took a sip of his wine. "Haven't been hungry, hm? Well… what's your professor diagnosis for not being hungry? You know, possible reasons for it."

The doctor sat back in his chair and took a long drink of his water. "Well, stomach parasites, anxiety, depression, stress…"

Stark felt like he was under a lot of stress. Anxiety? Check. Depression? Sometimes. He probably should eat more than he did but he always ate dinner, mostly because Pepper always forced him to eat. He looked at Bruce with interest as he took another drink of his wine.

"Are you depressed, Banner?" The joking was out of Tony's voice now and a more serious one had taken over. He still remembered the man's confession in the Avengers airship that one day.

"You can't kill me. I know. I've tried."

There was a long space of silence now and Tony cocked his head slightly to the side, his stomach sinking like an anchor. "Bruce? Are you still depressed?"

"Let's not talk about this, Tony. I don't feel comfortable discussing my own psychological issues with you."

"Oh, but it's fine if we go into detail about my psychological issues as well as my personal life with Pepper? Come on, open up," Tony urged.

Bruce rubbed his eyes and gave a shaky sigh. "Yes, I still have depression. It's not something that… goes away. It can be managed and people can cope with it but it doesn't disappear like a cold or chicken pox. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's not the angry kind of depression I've been feeling."

"You know what they say about anger and depression, don't you?" Bruce gave him a questionable look. "Depression is anger toward inward, and it does matter. It matters to me." Tony thought twice about saying another joke and bit his tongue.

The other man raised an eyebrow. "Really? Why? Why does it matter if I'm depressed? So what? Why does it matter to you if I –"

Tony stiffened and felt himself go cold. "If you what?"

Silence again. Uncomfortable silence. It was the silence that seemed to speak for itself and in that silence, Tony got his answer. He felt his limbs go numb now and he found himself shaking his head. "No…"

"No?"

He took a deep breath, trying to force himself to calm down. The thought of Bruce Banner doing irrevocable damage to himself sent Tony into a panic. He didn't want to think about that. It just couldn't happen.

"You… can't d-die. You can't. You can't kill yourself…"

Banner could hear the shakiness in the man's voice now and leaned over the table before placing his hand on Tony's shoulder again, gently squeezing it. "Hey, hey… it's all right. Don't think about that. Take a deep breath through your nose and count in your head for five seconds, then let it out, okay? You need to try and stay calm or you're going to be blown headlong into another anxiety attack."

Tony nodded and did as he was instructed. He breathed in through his nose for five seconds… and then let it out through his mouth for the same. He did this a couple times and he could feel his breath coming back to him and hear Bruce's voice.

"You're okay. I'm okay. I'm not… I can't kill myself, you're right. Remember? I just… can't do it so it's not going to happen. You're stuck with me."

Tony chuckled weakly now, still continuing to do the breathing exercises. He pushed his plate out of the way now, cursing himself for having a panic attack over this person. He felt so ridiculous and embarrassed.

Bruce gently caressed Tony's shoulder soothingly and waited for him to calm down some before he spoke again. "It's interesting that my demise is the reason you had a panic attack. Why are you so scared about that, Tony?"

"I don't think it's all that interesting but I'm going to blame it on abandonment issues."

"Father?"

"No, I just have an inferiority complex from him. Got the abandonment issues from my mom. She left when I was a kid," Tony took a long drink of his wine.

Banner nodded as he listened to him. "That must have been difficult for you, growing up without a mother."

"My father taught me quickly to man up and forget about her. I couldn't be weak around him," Tony relaxed in his chair and sighed tiredly. "If he could only see me now."

"Well you don't have to worry about being weak. It's not the end of the world. Even superheroes are allowed to be weak off duty," Banner squeezed his shoulder again and searched Tony's face. "You're not your father, and from what you've told me, that's a good thing. You're strong in your own way, Tony. Don't forget that. Never let your past ruin your future."

"I appreciate the pep talk but… it's sort of too little, too late. I've already pretty much ruined things with Pepper."

"You said she was coming back?"

Tony shrugged Bruce off now. "Let's be real. Pep is strong. She doesn't need me. She just said she needed me and that she was coming back so I wouldn't make a big scene or have another panic attack. She's not coming back, and I don't expect her to. Let's go back to you, though. You said you're depressed. Just because it didn't kill you the first time doesn't mean you wouldn't try it again. Not that I'm saying you should or anything…"

"I'm not… going to try it again. I may think about it but that doesn't mean I'm going to act on it. You don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine."

Tony looked down at the tablecloth and chewed on his lower lip. "I still want you around, Banner. It gets lonely here."

"I thought you weren't alone, though? You have Jarvis."

Tony smirked now. "He's only an AI. He's not human, and… perhaps some human contact from time to time isn't such a bad thing for me."

"No, it's not a bad thing, Tony."

The two men made small talk for the next half hour, mostly about past inventions, until both of them found themselves yawning, and then laughing at the same time.

"Well, I'll see you in the morning. If I'm not here, I went a couple blocks over to get my clothes."

Tony nodded and stood up. "Duly noted. Hey, I've always wondered something." He waited until Banner turned around in the hallway to look at him. "Wouldn't having dreams make you Hulk out? That must mess with your temper, right?"

Bruce smiled softly and nodded. "I usually take a sedative before I go to sleep. It suppresses the monster part and helps me sleep."

For a split second, Tony thought about asking him for a sedative but then decided not to. Banner needed it more than him. Tony wasn't worthy of anything special.

"Right. Good, then. I'll see you in the morning." When Bruce was out of the room, Tony looked over at their plates and realized the music was still playing. "Cut the music, Jarvis."

The music shut off and Tony cleaned up their plates before he went to his room that was down the hall from Bruce's guest room. He took his pants off but left his boxers and his t-shirt on before crawling into his large bed that he normally shared with Pepper.

Tony rolled over and closed his eyes. God, it still smelled like her.

He missed her, but it didn't feel all that real. In his mind, he was hanging onto the notion of her coming back, but there was another part of him that felt, for the first time in his life, like he didn't need her after all.

He loved her, and that would never change, but Bruce was here and she was not, and that seemed to make all the difference to Tony. He was feeling things he might no longer feel towards his Pepper. She had left him. She had abandoned him, just like his mother had.

Except he wasn't trapped with an abusive asshole. He had hope. Bruce was hope to him.

His mind trailed off with Bruce Banner lingering in his head, and he soon fell asleep. It was only an hour since he had fallen asleep, however, when the nightmares came again.

He was in the Humvee with the soldiers who were sitting next to him and across from him as they drove through the Afghanistan desert.

BOOM!

A roadside bomb explodes and he wakes up and looks around at the damage it did.

The soldiers he had just been talking and laughing with are now dead, killed by flying shrapnel. Blood painted everywhere, on the sand, the damaged Humvee, and on the rocks around him.

Another bomb explodes near his face and he is transported back to That Day, New York City.

He had to sacrifice himself to save the world.

He had to save Pepper and blow himself up for the greater good.

His own needs do not exist.

The wormhole was right above him. He could feel the heavy armor of the bomb on his shoulders but he knew his mission.

This was it. He was going to die.

He carried the bomb several feet into the wormhole and it was set to detonate at any moment. No, he needs to get back. He needs to get out of this foreign world and back to his familiar one. He has no time to think, to plan, only do.

He throws the massive bomb upwards and inwards and then jets towards the opening.

Except something's different this time. The wormhole has already closed and he's trapped inside with the bomb when it –

"NO! NO! HELP! I CAN'T DO THIS! "

His legs were tangled in the sweat-covered blankets and he felt like his arc-reactor was going to explode like shrapnel in his chest. He felt so hot.

"Tony! Tony, wake up!"

He felt rough hands on his shoulders now and Tony felt into defense mode, instantly grabbing at a neck and trying to put his hands around it when he felt the same rough hands firmly grab Tony's wrists.

"Tony! It's me, it's Banner! Wake up! You're okay! You're home! You're safe, Tony…"

He felt his eyes snap open now and he took in his surroundings, his black hair matted to his skull with sweat and he was breathing heavily with panic and terror. When he saw his hands near Bruce's throat, he instantly recoiled and dropped his hands, his eyes wide.

"I-I'm…. I'm sorry. I d-didn't know…"

Bruce looked at him with soft, forgiving eyes. "It's okay. Everything's all right, man. You're safe. Everyone's safe. You didn't hurt anyone."

"O-Oh, good…" He leaned forward now and felt nauseous. Tony suddenly stood up on shaky legs and ran towards the bathroom before he made it just in time to empty his stomach of the dinner he had made earlier.

There were footsteps on the tiled floor that came up from behind him and he felt a gently hand on his back, touching it comfortingly. No words were spoken until Stark had finished vomiting into the toilet and he was sitting on the floor, resting his head against the cool wall.

"Are your night terrors about New York?"

Tony nodded. "And Afghanistan."

Bruce was still close to his friend, kneeling beside him and checking his vitals, doing what he was best at; being a doctor. "How long have you been having nightmares like this for?"

"Somewhere after my time in the middle east and after That Day in New York. I haven't really been sleeping, or when I do sleep, I have these nightmares and I either end up calling to my suits or I try and attack Pepper. She's slept downstairs on several occasions," Tony ran his hands through his damp hair and looked over at him, feeling ashamed.

"It's normal for people with PTSD after traumatic events like you've been through happen, Tony. Common symptoms include nightmares and insomnia, isolation, trying to distract oneself… it's all very common when events like that happen," Banner spoke in his doctor voice, as if he were speaking to a patient.

"So… what now?'

Bruce's eyes turned soft again and he reached over and moved away a lock of Tony's hair that was nearly in his eyes before he looked back at him. "You can sleep in my room with me if you want, so you're not alone."

"It's hard to sleep when I can't sleep, isn't it?" He surprised himself; he didn't even think twice about reacting to the offer of sleeping in Bruce's room. Why was that? Nothing would happen, obviously. Banner was just trying to be nice. This wasn't weird or anything at all…

"I'll give you one of my sedatives. It'll knock you out for a full eight hours."

Tony felt the tears in his eyes still from his nightmare but he felt his voice shake. "W-Why are you doing this for me? If it were anyone else here, they wouldn't care."

"I don't think that's entirely true, but… we're friends and I care for you very much, Tony Stark. You've been through a lot, like me. I feel like I can relate to you and I know we haven't been through the same things as each other but... I just feel this weird magnetism to you. You're a person I aspire to me, most of the time," Bruce chuckled to himself, blushing slightly.

"Slow down there, Banner. We haven't even had a first date."

The doctor laughed aloud now, which broke any tension that had been happening between them. He seemed to have that effect. "What did you call earlier then? You cooked and put music on for us and everything."

Tony found himself laughing now before he let Bruce help him back to his feet and walk him towards his guest room. He couldn't understand why Banner would aspire to be him, when it was Tony who aspired to be Bruce.

The man was smart, handsome, a quick thinker, he could stitch up anyone in any situation in reasonable time, and he made conscious efforts to hide the monster inside of him. He had his issues with depression, but it seemed like that was one of the monsters he kept well hidden. Tony wouldn't have had any idea at all that Bruce had tried to kill himself if he hadn't come out and confessed. Tony aspired to be this strong man who put others first instead of himself.

But that would never happen. Instead, all Tony could do was be grateful that he was even in Banner's presence in the first place, and he was. Without a doubt, very grateful to be able to be near his friend.

Sorry if this chapter was too long for you guys. Can I have a review? I miss seeing those. Tony cookie if you do!