I'm Knee Deep In It
(prompt: the space between dreams and reality)

Rangiku slowly opened her eyes to see that it was still a bit dark. Her sleepy mind took a few moments to register that she must have awoken just before dawn. Turning to look out a nearby window to see if her assumption was correct, which it was, she saw Shuuhei's still sleeping form. He was still on his side, facing her.

Some time ago that their relationship had had changed from being friendly drinking buddies to being almost completely sexual. They'd still have some short talks, but ever since that first time, those talks had decreased by quite a lot. It was one of those things that just happened, or at least that was how it seemed. She'd chalked the continuation of the turn in their relationship to the fact that he was a pretty good lover. He was probably one of the best she'd been with, but that was a much shorter list than what most assumed it would be.

Tonight was strange. He'd fallen asleep shortly after, and she couldn't bring herself to wake him and shoo him out. It was easy for her to see that was tired enough by the time he got to her place, let alone after their evening romp. What was the harm of letting him stick around? It's not like they were cuddling anything. He was just a man on the other side of her bed.

Settling back down, Rangiku lie on her back, waiting for fall back to sleep, and realized shortly after that it was a useless gesture. From past experience of drinking late with him, she knew that no matter how late they were up in the night that Shuuhei was usually up with the sun, which was about to rise within the half hour. Instead, she found herself glancing over at him. Still on her back with her head turned towards him, she couldn't help but study his face. She'd never really looked at him in this manner before. Of course, she knew very well what he looked like, but she never took the time to really look at him to see the exact way the scared tissue butted up to the smoother skin or the slight difference in texture between his tattoo the skin around it.

As she looked over him with a detailed eye, she began to wonder what exactly he'd look like without the markings on his face. She knew that they all meant something to him and that he carried them with pride, but she still couldn't keep from wondering what he'd be like without them.

Slowly, Rangiku's imagination went about erasing the marks on his face. First the long strip of grey that crossed over his nose and right cheek faded. The first time she met him, which was shortly after his entrance into the Gotei 13, he didn't have that mark, so it was easy enough for her to imagine him without it. The next to go was the 69 tattooed on his cheek. Then, one by one, the jagged scars running down his face faded away, and his eyebrow filled in to match the other.

The picture that her mind came up with was definitely still Shuuhei. The lines and angles of his face were the same. He was awake in her imagination, so she could see that he still had the same eyes. Their sharp, thin shape was unique in their own right. This image in her head was very obviously Shuuhei, but in an odd way, it wasn't. This man in her head had the same features, but without the scars and markings on his face, it just didn't feel like Shuuhei. It's not like she didn't find this version of him attractive or strange looking. It felt foreign. It just wasn't him.

She let that new image slowly fade from her imagination as she again focused on the man sleeping next to her, or at least his real face, scars and all. He'd slowly become a valuable asset in her life. Even if they didn't talk over a few bottles of sake like they used to, a part of her felt like she still needed him there.

Rumors about them were quite rampant among the members of their divisions, and they'd likely spread to other divisions as well. She'd once overheard a few women of the 9th division accuse her of taking advantage of their vice captain. There probably was some truth to that. She was lonely, and he was hopelessly in love with her. She knew she came to him because he'd always make time for her. It felt good to have someone she could rely on that wasn't her captain. The kindness her offered was too hard to ignore. His kisses felt so sweet, and she couldn't bring herself to tell him to not to kiss her. She may not love him like he loves her, but she felt like she could at least pretend when he kissed her like he did.

While she couldn't let him go, she couldn't completely commit herself to him. It was so horribly selfish, but she never made any attempts to hide her selfishness. Maybe one day, when her heart still didn't hurt from Gin's permanent absence, she could let herself have a reality that included Shuuhei in some way other than her protection from loneliness.

The title is taken from a song called "Backwards Walk" by Frightened Rabbit. The complete line for the song is "you're the shit and I'm knee deep in it." It's a reference for both of them in entering a sexual relationship where it's pretty much understood that it's not what either want.

Anyways, as always, reviews are love.