Merlin ran. It felt as if he'd ran for miles and miles when he finally stopped. When he was running he didn't have a destination in mind. His mind was occupied by Arthur and how he had ruined the best friendship he's ever had. When he looked around he saw he'd ended up on the other side of his small town. There was nothing around except for some houses and a bus stop with a bench next to it on which he sat down. He allowed the tears to come out and when they did they kept flowing. He cried in silence. People passed him, but no one took notice of him. He'd messed things up so bad. He never meant for Arthur to find out, even less so like that. He knew that Arthur would never return his feelings. What if he was disgusted by him and he never wanted to talk to him again? No, Arthur's not that kind of person, right? Rationally thinking, Arthur was okay with him being gay. So, he could handle this. It's the same thing, yet it's so much worse.
Merlin sat on that bench for hours. Bus drivers asking whether he needed a ride, but every time he declined. It was hours before Will found him. He came running down the road and when he reached Merlin he was out of breath.
'Merlin! You wanker!' he half-yelled when he'd caught his breath. 'We've been looking for you for ages. Arthur was nearly in tears when you were gone. Don't tell him I said that though.'
Merlin winced at the mention of his friend's name. He didn't say anything to Will and he didn't stand up to follow him home.
'You coming or what?' Will asked.
Merlin shrugged and stayed put. Will sat down next to him.
'Come back home. Hunith is worried sick.'
'I'll have to face him. He's not going home until I explain everything. He's too stubborn and I don't want to see him. I don't want to see the change in the way he looks at me.'
Will sighed. 'You know, I sort of get you're scared, but if he's such a good guy you say he is, he's not going to hate you. Definitely not if he's been searching all over for you.'
Merlin looked up, eyes wide. 'He's looking for me?'
'Of course he is! What'd you think you'd be doing if you were in his position? You'd do the same.'
Merlin smiled. 'Yes.'
After that, they returned home. Hunith hugged him immediately and smacked his head softy after saying that he was grounded for a week for making her worry so much. Merlin had texted Arthur saying he was home. Five minutes later he stormed into the house, obvious he'd been running.
'Merlin, you idiot! Why did you run off?' Arthur yelled, which made Merlin pull up his knees just under his chin. He buried his face in them, not wanting to see Arthur mad at him.
'I was so worried, you know.' Arthur whispered. 'I'm sorry I made you afraid of me.'
Merlin shook his head, still not looking at Arthur. 'I'm not scared of you.'
Arthur sat down next to Merlin on the couch. In the meantime Will and Hunith had left the room so they could talk. Merlin silently cursed them under his breath, vowing to make them pay for leaving him alone with Arthur.
'You're scared of how I'll react, aren't you?'
'Since when do you notice stuff like that?' Merlin huffed. He knew he was avoiding the inevitable conversation, but he couldn't help it.
'Don't…' Merlin finally looked at Arthur and what he saw shocked him. Arthur's eyes were glassy, as if he was about to tear up, but he wouldn't admit it. He looked so… hurt. Wasn't it Merlin who was supposed to be hurt? He was about to be rejected by the person he's loved for years. Why would Arthur be in pain because of rejecting him?
But that was just it, Merlin thought. Arthur is in pain, because he knows he's going to hurt his best friend. He'll break Merlin's heart and he knows it and he can't not do it. Still, knowing that, it didn't make him feel any better.
'Merlin..' Arthur continued. 'Please, don't make it harder than it already is.'
'Arthur I know it's hard for you, but honestly, you're rejecting me. You're going to break my heart. I'm going to be the one who'll be crying his eyes out. Again, let me tell you! So, I get it's hard on you, but you'll be alright in a while. You've still got Gwen and she'll comfort you, because she understands you and loves you. I don't have that. I want you, but I can't have you and that hurts more than you know.'
'Merlin, if you don't want me to say it, I won't, because you already know.' Arthur said. His eyes wouldn't tear up, but they weren't back to normal again. Seeing Arthur so sincere, he regretted what he said. Merlin knew his friend was hurt, yet he still managed to be selfish. He couldn't be selfish anymore.
'Just say it, Arthur. We both know what you're going to say, so you might as well get it of your chest. It'll be better for you.' Merlin said to his friend. Merlin let go of his knees and placed his feet on the ground. His head was held up high and he braced himself for the words to come.
'I'm so sorry, Merlin. I never noticed that you felt like that. And I wish that I could feel the same way, so that you'd be happy. So I wouldn't have to hurt you, but I don't. I love Gwen and I care for you too, but not in the way you want me to and I'm sorry.'
'Arthur, it's okay. I don't blame you or anything like that. I always knew you didn't feel the same. Just… Can you do one thing for me?'
Arthur looked a little apprehensive, raising an eyebrow.
Merlin smiled knowing what his friend was thinking. 'Relax Arthur, I'm not going to ask you for a kiss.'
Arthur grinned. 'What is it then?' Arthur asked.
'I want us to still be friends. You can forget about my feelings, so that nothing has to change.'
'I won't forget about your feelings, but I also want things to go as they've always been.'
Merlin smiled, but he felt the pain of rejection coming up again. 'Thanks Arthur. Can you go now? I kind of want to be alone right now.'
Before Merlin could process what was happening Arthur stood up and had reached the front door. Merlin had walked after him. They awkwardly stood in the doorstep before Arthur spoke.
'Call me if you need anything okay?'
'I will.' He won't.
After that Arthur closed the door and Merlin fell to his feet with his hands covering his face. He felt the tears stream down his face. He felt like he was screaming, but no sound came out of his mouth. His mother soon came to look for him and found him sitting against the door crying. She took him in his arms and led him to his room where she softly pushed him on the bed and placed the covers over him. She stayed with him until his tears had dried and he fell asleep, but even in his dreams Merlin couldn't escape the overbearing pain.