With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this
We are broken - Paramore
The moment Katrina opens the door, she pushes me inside and practically drags me up the staircase. Pure confusion is displayed across my face, as I hobble on the wooden stairs. Hastily as I move, I don't manage to get a good look of the house but the little I see is enough to cause a new wave of shock to crash my chest.
I've only seen houses like this in movies. And to be honest, it feels as real, too. The most of what I see is the hallway, with its distasteful emerald upholstery on the walls and the elaborately carved wooden chairs that narrow the way. Due to the lack of windows the aisle is quite dark and most of the pale, faded light comes from the only open door near the end of the corridor which reveals what I presume is the kitchen. A dozen question whirl in my head, but the sound of footsteps doesn't allow me to think about them much. Scared out of my wits, I willingly climb the rest of the stairs as fast as my sore feet allow me to and let Katrina lead me without a word. She glances at me worriedly, probably trying to figure out what's going on in my head, but I don't let any emotion show. Mainly because I don't even know how I feel.
We cross another corridor, this one plainer and wider and eventually open the last door on our left. As Katrina shuts it behind us, she lets out a sigh of relief.
I stand in the middle of the room, taking in every little detail. A single bed with iron frames lies against the wall on my right. There is a broad window over it, the only one in the room, which allows pale rays of light to illuminate it. The rest of the furniture consists of a decent closet near the foot of the bed, a desk, a very large mirror and a stove. The walls are a very light blue, making the bedroom seem even simpler and colder than it already is. An open door on the opposite wall, reveals a small, old-fashioned bathroom. The chamber is quite spacey to the point that it seems kind of empty and the realization makes me cringe with insecurity.
Oh God, what am I doing here?
"I know it's not much of a bedroom, but it's the only vacant guestroom in the mansion, right now. It's somewhat cold, but as soon as we light the stove it will be much better. I hope you can help me with that though, as I have never attempted it, before", Katrina rambles, trying to break the awkward silence.
"Why is it cold?", I cut her in a monotonous tone.
"I beg your pardon?", she asks, trying to sound kind.
I slowly turn to face her.
"It's cold outside. Why?"
You'd think that would be the least of my worries, but I gotta start from somewhere.
"Well, it is November…", she explains, a little bewildered.
"Oh", I throw discomposedly as I go to sit on the bed.
"I suppose a lot is troubling you", she says hesitantly.
"You do?", I ask back, shakily.
I start to tremble slightly. Maybe it's because of the cold… Maybe it's because of my fatigue… Maybe it's because of my position, wholly.
"Yes", she continues firmly. "And I think it only appropriate to inform you now that… this is my doing"
That… is new.
I raise my brows and bring my hands in front of my chest, trying to let her statement sink in. My mouth hangs open, but no sound comes out of it. I really don't know what to say, or even what to make of what I just heard.
For a couple of minutes she stares at me without saying anything, her troubled eyes searching desperately for some kind of reaction that will indicate how I took it. No use, really. I'm just as confused as she is.
I finally manage to put my thoughts in some kind of loose order.
"Care to elaborate?", I ask cautiously, but I don't know if I actually want to learn more.
She sits next to me and taps her hand on her knees, trying to find the right words.
"Perhaps this is not the best time to make such a confession. And truthfully, I don't know if there is a proper time. But I don't have much of a choice, now. Please, tell me, can I trust you?"
I blink a couple of times, unnerved by the long introduction. I won't like what I'll hear, there is no doubt about it. Should I say yes? Bind myself to her secret? Or should I say no and be left alone?
I close my eyes and contemplate her question for a minute.
"I trusted you", I finally state looking down, letting her make the decision.
"Indeed. And I suppose I can only do the same"
She takes a deep breath and looks me dead in the eye.
"I practice witchcraft. A spell gone wrong, resulted in the opening of a time portal. That someone would end up here in such an odd way, never crossed my mind. But the moment I saw you, I realized what I have caused"
"Wow. So, you did this…?"
"Yes. But I never intended to. Witchery is tricky business. A scanty mistake may bring about changes beyond belief. My spell was completely and utterly irrelevant to time traveling"
I wrap my arms around my body and look outside the window. The night starts to fall and the room keeps getting colder and colder.
"Fear me not, for I do not mean harm neither to you nor to anyone else, for that matter", she continues, unsettled by my silence. "I am fully aware of the peril I put you through and for that, I am honestly sorry"
"I don't hold a grudge", I assure her despite my bitterness. My cynical side, the one I've always used as self-defense, wishes to emerge but my fatigue and an odd sense of hollowness don't let me say much. I have to set priorities, anyway. And my number one right now, is finding a way out of this place… time… you figure it out. "So… I guess you know how to… send me back to my time?" With that I chuckle awkwardly, keeping my fingers crossed for her reply.
"I'm afraid it's not possible"
Not exactly what I wanted to hear.
"But you said that a mistake caused this. Cast the spell again with the same error. Won't that open the time portal?", I ask, completely thrown off.
"I wish it was as simple. But the outcome of a lapse in a spell cannot be predicted. For all we know, next time something entirely different might happen"
No. No. No. I refuse to believe that I'm stuck here.
"Aren't there any time traveling spells or some kind of potion or… or… I don't know, something!"
"Not that I know of", she admits in defeat.
I just died a little inside.
"Please tell me this is a really bad joke", I mutter, my hands covering my face.
"I'm sorry Linda. I know it is terrible. But, I shall help you as much as I can", she tries to comfort me.
"I won't be a burden…", I start but she never lets me finish.
"Nonsense. I caused this and it is my duty to make up for it. Besides, where would you go?"
I shrug my shoulders in an I-don't-know way.
"You have a point. But how will we justify my presence here?"
"That I have yet to figure out. I will come up with an explanation though, that I guarantee. Anyway, first things first. I need to find you some proper clothes. That should take a while. You can take a bath or rest, but please, no matter what you do, do not leave this room"
I feel like a freak of nature.
"All right", I casually throw and nod understandingly.
She casts a final apologetic glance upon me and exits the cold chamber, her skirts making a swishing sound as she moves.
Not giving myself time to think and therefore break down, I get up and walk hesitantly towards the bathroom.
Right now, I really miss the twenty-first century.
Bathroom is probably not the most felicitous term I could use. Suffocating, tiny chamber with a tub is much more applicable. If I actually had a choice I would never bathe in that timeworn trough but I desperately need to get that dirt off of me. With a fatalistic sigh, I take my muddy clothes off and start washing myself as well as I can. The water is cold, making me cringe as it runs down my hair and my body, but it helps my mind sober up. Ι rub the mud off of me in abrupt, determined moves as if I actually rubbed off my misfortune and insecurity, as well.
When I am finally done, I get up and take a deep breath, which is cut short by an unpleasant realization. I have no clothes! And my jeans and tank top are way too filthy to wear again.
Okay, no need to panic. I look around, in search for some piece of clothing and spot a towel hanging from the door.
With a sigh of relief, I clutch it and wrap it tightly around my body. As I open the door and leave the humidity of the bathroom, the hair on the back of my neck prickles, and an unwelcome tremor passes through me. Drops of water fall off of my hair and on the wooden floor, forming a wet trail as I walk.
The first thing I notice is the pile of dresses and petticoats on the bed. Looking at them in surprise, I can't help but think that I'll never manage to get dressed all by myself.
"Can I take a look at your wound?", I hear a gentle voice ask and I look up, to find out that it is none other than Katrina.
"Sure"
I extend my arm and let her clean and bandage the cut.
"Is it just me or doesn't your boyfriend like me much?", I carelessly ask, just to break the silence.
She ties the bandages a little too tightly and clears her throat.
"My what?"
"Umm… your fiancé? Crane"
"Oh" She laughs anxiously and makes a dismissive gesture. "Don't feel offended. This is simply his way. He's quite a gentleman, really. He's not my fiancé, though", she states with a somewhat forced smile.
"He's not? Seemed to me like you're kind of… an item"
"No, not at all."
Yeah, right. If 'not at all', then why all the sudden blushing? Anyway, I suppose it's none of my business, really.
"He doesn't know about you, does he?"
"No. And to answer your following question I believe I can make him accept what he saw today one way or another. What he has experienced these past few weeks is even odder"
I arch an eyebrow and smile. I do not fully understand, but at that point I don't really want to know, either.
"Can you help me get dressed?", I ask her with a pleading look.
She nods kindly and goes for the petticoats.
I have to admit, I had always been fond of old-fashioned dresses. What I ignored, was the fact that they are extremely uncomfortable. I let out a choked gasp as Katrina ties the laces of my corset and soon, I realize in horror that this is how I will constantly feel. Like I'm choking. I get into a low-necked, light blue gown with tight, elbow length sleeves, trimmed with frills. And last but not least, the shoes. I throw my red tennis shoes under the bed and put on a pair of grey and rose striped pumps with curved heels.
Katrina adds the final touch by tying my hair up, in a strict, elegant bun.
Once I'm done, I look in the mirror. A laugh of disbelief escapes my lips and I place a hand in front of my grinning mouth. Even in school plays, I didn't dress like this. I straighten my skirts and turn to the side. To be honest, I kind of like the way I look. God help me though, I don't know how I will be able to move beneath all these layers of fabric.
"Any bright ideas about our… issue?", I ask Katrina, still gazing at the mirror.
"I actually thought of something, yes", she cheerfully announces, while folding a petticoat and stuffing it in a drawer.
"And…?"
"Well", she starts, clasping her hands before her chest. "Young Masbath's father has been murdered recently and he has no one to look after him. If you wish to take him under your wing, I can present you as a distant aunt from New York who has no knowledge of the town"
"That last part is not far from the truth", I comment absentmindedly.
"What do you think?", she asks me gravely.
Well, a couple of days ago I was planning to go to college and now I have to look after a kid I don't even know. Not really my thing. Still, what choice do I have?
"It sounds convincing", I eventually throw with a shrug of my shoulder. "But why not say that I'm just a maid?"
She tilts her head and presses her lips in a grimace of modesty.
"Make you clean for us after condemning you in a century you don't belong? How is that proper?"
"Trust me, this was not only your fault", I bitterly reassure her, as the memory of my heedlessness strikes me.
Both of us being lost in our own thoughts, we say nothing for a minute or so. Suddenly, Katrina looks out the window. Her jerky move makes my head turn unconsciously, too. The night has fallen for good and I can see smoke coming out of most of the chimneys. The image warms my heart and I almost feel delighted.
Almost…
"It is time for dinner", she informs me firmly. "Take your time and join us downstairs, whenever you're ready. You are going to meet my father and my stepmother, too"
Me? In a formal eighteenth century dinner? Tonight?
That is bound to be a sight to see.
"All right", I say almost in a whisper and shift in uneasiness. No matter how much I don't want to do this, it's not like I can actually make that decision. Besides, Katrina has treated me with more than enough kindness and does all she can for me, that I have to acknowledge.
She turns to leave but suddenly, she halts for a second.
"I'll search through my books for a spell. Thoroughly. You have my word"
Before I get the chance to say anything, she exits the room and closes the door lightly behind her.
Finally being alone, I let out the deep breath I've been holding back unconsciously and fall back on the bed. Suddenly, I feel a lump in my throat and the walls close in on me. As the first sob shakes up my body and finds its way to my eyes, I know that my mind is now sober. The tension has resolved, the danger has passed and I'm left with the painful realization of what has happened.
Ugh! The hell with it! Things could be much worse. At least I have a place to stay and someone to count on. I know Katrina caused this and even though I didn't let it show, I feel… Uh, I don't want to say angry because it's not true. I don't know… ill-fated… bitter…
Sigh. At least she makes an actual effort to help me stand on my feet!
Yeah, I know and I appreciate that. I'm not that much of a bitch…
But damn, I don't want any of this! I don't want to live here! I don't want to start over! I wanna go home! Home…
Dammit!
The knot in my stomach tightens dangerously as I think about everything I love, everything I'll have to do without, everything I miss. And my heart beats crazily at the thought of everything I'll have to get used to, everything I'll have to deal with, starting from tonight's dinner… Desperation fills me up and I start to lose control. It's all so sudden and unexpected and… surreal that my mind won't even process it. What I know that I have to get all this tension out of my system. So what if crying won't change anything? So what if I'll hate myself for being so pathetic later? This is more than I can take, really.
I turn around, so that I lie on my belly and burst out in tears on the white sheets, muffling my sobs on the pillow. My whole body shudders intensely and my hands curl into tight fists. I haven't cried like this since I was little, but it is so liberating.
When there are finally no tears left to shed and I feel like I'm going to faint, I turn around with my eyes closed and wait for my ragged breath to become normal. With a final sniffle, I get up and look in the mirror again. The image I eye is so odd that my heart almost skips a bit. Nothing around me, not even my clothes, belongs to what I grew up with, what I knew to be normal, and yet it's still me. Same dark eyes that hide so many fears and questions. Same auburn hair. Same thin lips. But I just don't belong. In fact, I think that once I get downstairs to that goddamn dinner, everyone will burst out in laughter at the sight of me, pretending to be someone I'm not.
Or are they?
Only one way to find out…
I stare at the door for a while, my heart pounding crazily and I feel like something terrible will happen any minute now, which I guess is kind of ridiculous but still… Maybe it's just the thought of the inescapable. I won't be able to stay here for long and the thought terrifies me.
In an outburst of tension, I take two long strides towards the door and get out, shutting it closed behind me with abnormal determination.
Am I actually doing this?
Once I get downstairs, I roam around for a while, trying to locate the dining room. Not an easy task, considering the size of the mansion. The never-ending maze of hallways fascinates me and I feel a scanty willingness to explore the heavily decorated estate, take a peek behind all these doors. I suppose I'll have all the time to do that later…
When I finally find my way to the dining room, I come to a halt. The door is closed, but I hold no doubt that it is the right one. I can hear an unidentifiable humming of voices, their tones rising and falling, yet never completely fading.
Poking about the house, I had managed to calm down but as I stand before the door, my agitation strikes back. I don't want to do this. Yeah, I know I've already said that like a hundred times, but right now I mean in more than ever.
I can leave. If I do this the right way, I will manage to sneak out without anyone noticing. Maybe I'll take some food from the kitchen, too, on my way out. Just to make it through the night… By the time they realize I'm gone, I'll already be in the woods… And I don't really mind spending the night there. Actually, I've already done it, once. Yeah… a few hours ago!
What am I even thinking about?
Chuckling at my paranoia, I lightly knock on the door and push it open. Apart from Ichabod, Katrina and young Masbath a man and a woman - presumably Katrina's family- also sit at the table. Everyone turns to look at me, honest curiosity displayed clearly across their faces.
Oh God, they know.
A hand pulls me from the elbow and I jolt out of my daze. Katrina smiles meaningfully and urges me to walk inside, her hand tapping me encouragingly on the back.
"Ms Masbath!", the chubby, middle-aged man exclaims as he gets up and makes his way towards me. I stand stupefied for a moment, before I realize that 'Ms Masbath' is actually me. "I am Baltus Van Tassel and this is my dear wife, Lady Mary Van Tassel", he continues, gesturing at a beautiful, blonde woman behind him.
"I am happy to make your acquaintance ", I stutter.
"Please have a seat", he requests and Katrina rushes to usher me to a chair next to her step-mother. I smile detachedly, as I sit down, trying to reassure her that I can handle this.
With a deep breath, I pick up my table-napkin and place it partly open across my lap.
So… they don't suspect a thing?
Ugh, what's the matter with me? It's not like it's written across my forehead!
Ichabod starts talking about an unknown matter I probably cut off when I came in but I don't pay much attention. Instead I focus on my plate, chewing and gulping tiny bites of my roast beef every now and then, in spite of my bad appetite.
Alright, maybe I can do this. If I just smile a lot, throw a trivial comment every now and then and pray no one addresses me, I'll make it through the evening and finally collapse on my new bed, with some dignity.
"So, Ms Masbath, I've been told you've come to Sleepy Hollow to raise your nephew, is that right?"
Dammit.
My heart skips a bit and I stare at Lord Van Tassel for a while, unable to form a word. Katrina, sensing my panic, nods encouragingly and although the gesture is discreet, some boldness is restored in me.
"Yes, sir", I finally say, thankful that my voice came out firm.
"Such a kind thing to do!", he comments "But weren't you afraid to settle here, now that our town is terrorized by the Headless Horseman?"
The Headless. What?
"I… I have not heard of any Headless Horseman", I stutter with a little chuckle, unable to understand.
"No one informed you about the fashion of your cousin's murder? Inconceivable!", Lord Van Tassel exclaims almost indignantly.
Right.
Am I on an acid trip?
"A Headless Horseman? Pardon me, sir, but even if someone had actually spoken of such a thing, I would have considered their words highly unreliable"
"This is no lie, young lady. The Horseman is real; mark my word"
My doubtful look encourages him to continue.
"The Horseman was a Hessian mercenary sent to the shores to keep Americans under the yoke of England. But unlike his compatriots who came for money, the Horseman came… for love of carnage… And he was not like the others…"
Ichabod shifts in uneasiness, his lips tightened and his eyes troubled.
I sit back with a puzzled look on my face, still staring at Lord Van Tassel.
Everyone seems to have heard the story before.
"He rode a giant, black steed named Daredevil. He was infamous for taking his horse hard into battle; chopping off heads at full gallop. To look upon him, made your blood run cold, for he had filed down his teeth to sharp points, to add to the ferocity of his appearance. Having slaughtered his path across these grounds, he finally met his end in the winter of seventy-nine, not far from here in our Western Woods, by a group of soldiers. They cut off his head with his own sword… To this day the Western Woods is a haunted place, where brave men will not venture… for what was planted in the ground that day was a seed of evil. And so it has been for twenty years. But now the Hessian wakes; he seeks revenge. A head for a head… This is why Constable Crane is here… This, is how Jonathan Masbath was killed"
Wha-?
But I was…
A few hours ago…
The tree…
"Have you heard the story before?", he asks interestedly, obviously perplexed by my troubled silence.
"No" I shake my head negatively as if to stress my statement.
"That is the truth; and truth it will always be. Do not fool yourself. And be wary; No one knows when or for who he will come next time"
And to think that I was worried about living here before… Is that their idea of greeting guests?
"But how can you be so sure of that? Has anyone actually seen him?"
"Everyone on this table can confirm my words, for everyone has seen the outcome of his evil deeds"
I look at Katrina, who stares at her plate and then at Ichabod, seeking an inspiriting gesture, a cheerful look, something that will offer the tiniest hint of consolation. Instead, all I get is a serious nod that reassures me that everything Lord Van Tassel said is, indeed, true.
And I believe them. Twenty-four hours ago I wouldn't, but now I believe them. What do I have to lose? How more shaken can I get?
A lot I suppose, if I actually see the… Horseman… but yeah, you get it. My whole worldview got erased in just a night. Show me a talking leek and I'll accept it without a word. This is how stable my mind is, right now.
Woo-freaking-hoo!
"Ah, but it is not proper to scare our guest at the night of her arrival, my dear, especially at dinner", Lady Van Tassel intervenes slyly.
Too late for that.
"My apologies, Ms. Masbath. But I thought you ought to know. Anyways, taking into account the state of the village at the time, I ask you to stay with us, at least until the case is sorted out. It is not wise for a young lady, who is new to this town, to live all by herself; not with the Hessian threatening to strike back any time now"
I give a half smile at Katrina who nods meaningfully in return. This is obviously her doing.
I cock my head to the side and smile as kindly as I can.
"I'd love to stay with you. Thank you, sir."
The rest of the evening passes by in a more relaxed climate but I never manage to soothe myself completely and I keep wondering how everyone else seems so careless.
Maybe they've gotten used to this. Maybe they find denial satisfying. And who's to blame them? I can already picture their reactions after a murder. Panic, shouting, the town going loud, insane… and then nothing. Silent fear… Acceptance… Tolerance… Twisted tranquility while death hangs above their heads…
Our heads…
When I finally get to lie on my bed, I realize in frustration that even though my body is exhausted my mind is wide awake. I spend most of the night, turning from the one side to the other and the few hours of sleep I manage to get, are filled with nightmares of the Western Woods.
I am still there. The wind blows wildly, making the dead leaves fly and form all sorts of shapes and figures. I run, looking for a way out but the faster I go, the thicker the forest becomes. The leafless trees keep spinning around me… Or is it me that spins? It doesn't matter, for I can hear the whinny of a horse. Terrified, I try to scream but no sound escapes my lips. I turn around, to see who is behind me, even though I already know. The faded galloping of a horse is heard and although I am scared out of my wits, I stand still, waiting to see.
I jolt awake before anyone appears though, and sit up on the bed, my arms wrapped around my body.
It is still nighttime. The fire in the stove has burnt out and I shiver, due to both the cold and the fear.
I sigh in relief and throw the covers off of me, in order to get up. In the dark, I trip on my ridiculously long nightgown and fall down, on the wooden floor with a loud thud.
Ouch.
Embarrassed, even though thankfully no one was here to see that, I get up and straighten my skirts with a hopefully dignified look on my face.
My eyes fall on the bottom drawer of the closet and I silently approach it and open it, taking out my cell phone and earphones which I had hastily tossed inside.
I stare at them for a while, an ironic smirk coloring my features. In a way, my cell phone is like me. It does not belong here.
I'll keep it close. I won't show it to anyone. It will make me remember… It will prevent me from fooling myself, actually believing that I'm a part of this…
I know; my little attitude won't help me fit in. So what? I never asked for this! And I certainly do not need it…
I drag my sore feet across the room and climb on the bed again. Putting on my earphones, I rest my head against the window and gaze outside at the eerily beautiful view, the town has to offer.
God, right now, I loathe the fact that it's so beautiful. I just… I need to hate on something. I want something to be as horrible as the state of my mind. I want to know that I have the right to be mad, furious with someone other than myself.
But I don't. Because everyone has been so... kind to me.
Ugh, what's wrong with me? When did I become such a horrible person?
Maybe I shouldn't think about it now. Or… you know… not think about it at all. I can just keep looking outside the window and count the stars or whatever you're supposed to do when you're emotional. And who knows? If I'm lucky enough, I might actually catch a glimpse of the oh so evil Horseman…
You know what? I'd better not think about that, either.
I keep listening to my music until I eventually fall in the sweet, calmative embrace of sleep again.
And I wonder what's in the new day for me…
A/N: Thanks to MonstarzGirl and Hessianlvr92 for reviewing!