Here we go again. Sorry peeps, didn't mean for you guys to wait THAT long for this new part. I got carried away once again. It's so hard to keep it short. So here we go again. Time to answer some, uh, unanswered questions. What are the Joker and Harvey planning this time? What happened to Crane? Will it rain tomorrow? Does Santa exist? All this and more...right after the disclaimer!
I don't know any of these fun-filled characters. Someone else does.
The Story So Far According to The Joker: One beautiful day I decided that I wanted to take a break from being a criminal mastermind so I took a vacation. And somewhere far away someone started to cry. The End. Harvey interrupts: THE END?! THE END OF WHAT?! Get on with the fuckin' story!
Harvey: I bet Crane was kidnapped by that crazy lady at the restaurant.
Joker: Kidnapped the Scarecrow? You can't kidnap a villain! Only villains are allowed to commit kidnappings! This goes against all the known rules of…VILLAINRY!
Harvey: Villainry?
Joker: Yes!! Villainry!!
Harvey: If you say so…But now what are we going to do about Crane?
Joker: You mean we have to do something? He's a villain, he'll get away himself.
Harvey: No, this is Jonathan Crane we're talking about. The guy that was single-handedly taken down by my girlfriend with a tazer.
Joker: Oh…right.
Harvey: Alright so we need a plan. How will we go about this?
Joker: Harvey, Harvey! Haven't I taught you anything? What did I tell you about planning? It'll just mess you up! You want to lose the other side of your face too?
Harvey: No :'(
Joker: Okay then. Just follow me. Honestly, you have you do everything yourself.
And so the Joker and Harvey step out of their room, determination burning in their eyes. Boy are they stoked about this one!! Mmyep!
Harvey: You know, we could easily go ask what room that woman is staying in, go there and just kill her.
Joker: Harvey, again. Haven't I taught you anything? That's just too easy! Where's the fun in that? Where's the excitement? This is a retrieval mission! See the way I see it is that this hotel has nothing on us. We could very easily take over this place, so that is why we need to lower our crime methods to their level. That way we at least give this place a little chance and it makes it harder for us. We wouldn't want to make this too easy.
Harvey: So we're going to lower our standards to that of hotel security?
Joker: Precisely! Now you're catching on!
Harvey: I see…so where do we start?
The Joker peers around the empty hallway. Nothing. They walk further on until they reach the elevators.
Harvey: Alright. We should start here. We'll scout out each floor.
Joker: Elevator? Come on Harvey, using the elevator is just so easy. Let's take the stairs!
Harvey: …….You do realize this hotel has fifteen floors, right?
Joker: Does it? Good! That makes it tougher! That is exactly what we want.
Harvey scratches his head in confusion and stares strangely at the clown mastermind in front of him. He seems a bit crazier than usual today…Who the hell ever takes the stairs?! But they head over to the stairwell anyways. Starting at the bottom floor, they walked all the way up the fifteen flights of stairs. The Joker had been singing something the whole way up, laughing and giggling and being all, um, Joker-like. But Harvey was panting all the way up. All he wanted was a glass of water by the time they were at the top. Oh and also he was very annoyed by the Joker's singing the whole way up. The Joker is not a very good singer.
Harvey: (breathing heavily) Please…let's…stop…and rest...
Joker: Exhausted already, are you?
Harvey: Yes! Let's rest…
Joker: Well fine, it's not like we're in any sort of rush anyways.
Harvey was very glad about this and immediately collapsed. He sat there on the top step catching his breath because the Joker practically skipped up all of the steps. Actually just at that moment, the Joker began singing again and skipping and dancing and spinning and all those crazy antics that make already crazy people even crazier. Harvey groaned at the Joker's incessant singing and began to play with his lucky coin to ignore his insane partner. BUT! Just then, Harvey had barely caught his coin in midair when the Joker crashed into him because he was not paying attention to where he was spinning! Oh noes! And the coin went FLYING!
Harvey: MY COOOOIIIIIINNNNN!!
The coin bounced off the step, and bounced off the next step, and bounced off the next, and the next until it was rolling all the way down the flights of stairs. Harvey immediately jumped up and rushed after it. Can he get it in time?! CAN HE?! CAN HE?! Well, he probably could have, had not the Joker at that moment tripped over and started tumbling down the stairs too. He slammed into Harvey and down they went like a human snowball. Oooo! They rolled and rolled and rolled down some more because apparently their body builds combined makes for a good ball shape or something. Oh and the pain! Heads cracking on steps, limbs flying everywhere, and Harvey crying for his lucky coin! They finally slammed against the opposite wall and stopped. Harvey pulled himself free and frantically looked around for his coin.
Harvey: NO! MY LIFE! MY PURE REASON FOR LIVING!! CHANCE IS EVERYTHING!!
Joker: Auuuughhh…as if my head wasn't bad enough as it was. (rubbing head)
Harvey: I don't give a fuck about your head! Where the fuck is my coin?!
Joker: Aw, now that's just not nice.
Harvey turned around to the sound of a ding and saw his precious coin come rolling down the steps. But it was rolling too fast and Harvey was not able to catch it. It slid right through his hands and bounced away right into a large pipe thing. Now it's gone.
Harvey: NOOOOOOOOO!! I need to go down there and get my coin back! What's this big opening here?
Joker: That would be the laundry shoot. Can't you just use any old coin? Here, I'll lend you a quarter.
Harvey: NO! I can't live without that coin and that coin only!! I'm going in!
Harvey lunges into the laundry shoot thing and disappears into the dark hole. The Joker stands there for a few seconds, giggling in a strange manner and observing the large opening. He looks to his right, he looks to his left. Nobody. Then he plunges in the large shoot. Down within the depths of the laundry room, Harvey was scuttling through the darkness, feeling around the floor for his coin. The Joker then came crashing down on the ground.
Joker: (Peering hard through the dark) This is unexciting. No one is in here. At least I thought we could scare a few hotel maids.
Harvey: I don't care about scaring anyone right now. Hell, I don't even care about Crane right now. I just want my coin!!
Joker: Really? Ah well good. So that means we can go back to our room once you find your coin.
Harvey: Don't just look around; HELP ME!
Joker: Do I really look like the helpful type of guy?
Harvey: (pulls out his gun and points it at the Joker) Start searching.
Joker: Sigh, I don't like it that you are always pointing that thing at me. It seems you have lost the sense of hierarchy here. (Takes steps closer) I'm the clown prince of crime! And you're just a pawn. So put the gun down and get back in line.
Harvey: Shut up! You're the one at the disadvantage right now!
Joker: Really? Am I?
The Joker holds out his hands and there lying on his palm was a shiny silver coin; Harvey's lucky coin. Harvey immediately ran at Joker, determined to retrieve the coin back. Joker easily moves out of the way and laughs as he does so.
Joker: With that attitude you won't get your coin back.
Harvey: Give it to me.
Joker: The tension! You'll get your coin back when we get out of here. I have no need for it. I bet it won't even work in a vending machine. Open the door first.
Harvey goes to the door and tries to turn the doorknob. It didn't budge. Harvey starts getting a bit frantic. He really doesn't want to be stuck in a small, dark laundry room with someone he absolutely despised. He tries again. Nothing. Slowly, very very slowly, he turns around to look at the Joker. The Joker's smile suddenly turns upside down.
Joker: Well?!
Harvey: …………
Joker: Don't tell me…
The Joker rushes over to the door and tries opening it himself. At the failure of this, he slams against the door in attempt to break it down. The door doesn't budge.
Joker: Harvey-
Harvey: I, uh-
Joker: you-
Harvey: I didn't-
Joker: are-
Harvey: I wasn't-
Joker: going-
Harvey: I swear-
Joker: to-
Harvey: How was-
Joker: DIE!!
Harvey: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE DOOR WOULD BE LOCKED?!
Joker: This is not my idea of fun.
Harvey: And it's mine? I'm locked in with a psychotic clown!
Joker: And you're not getting your coin back until you find a way out of this place.
Harvey: It wasn't my fault! I just came for my coin! I didn't ask you to follow me!
Joker: Harvey, I'm getting impatient. Find a way out of here before I decide to melt this coin.
Harvey could have easily taken the Joker out at his moment, what with Harvey being armed with a gun and the Joker only wielding a knife. But Harvey didn't. It wouldn't do any better to be locked in with a dead body anyways. Besides, he was too worried about how the hell they were going to get out to fret over his coin. But luck strikes! Harvey notices a tiny beam of light escaping a small spot behind a cabinet.
Harvey: Ah-ha! There! (runs over to the cabinet and pushes it aside) Here! I found a window!
Joker: (walks over to the window) Yeah but it's a long way down. (turns around and sees Harvey tying sheets together) What do you think you're doing?
Harvey: I found the way out. If you don't like it…stay. Actually I encourage you to stay here. That way you can't ruin my life anymore.
Joker: You're going to climb down with a rope of sheets? Harvey, that's the craziest plan I've heard yet…and I like it!
So they both help to tie sheet after sheet to each other, creating a rope long enough to reach the ground. After a bit, they open the window and look down. 'Tis ready!!
Harvey: Tie the end of the rope to something sturdy. I'll drop the rope from here.
And so the plan continues and as Harvey drops down the rope and everything is set! Now…to see who goes first. Will Harvey go first…wait, no. He's not budging. Maybe the Joker? Nope. He's not moving either.
Joker: Well?
Harvey: Well, what?! Go!
Joker: (motioning with hand towards rope) After you.
Harvey: You know, for once I sorta feel like being the nice guy. How about you go first?
Joker: No, really. I insist you go first.
Harvey: Well I insist you go first.
Joker: That's so nice of you Harvey, but really, you should go first.
Harvey: (shaking head) Actually, why don't you go.
Joker: Noooo…I have this thing against going first. You see-
Harvey: GAH! This is ridiculous! I'm not going to passively argue about this!
Joker: Does that mean you agree to go first?
Harvey: Who said anything about me agreeing to go first? We'll flip.
Joker: (grumbles and takes out Harvey's coin) Fine.
Harvey: Heads you go first, tails I go first.
Joker: You're going to lose.
Harvey: Against my own coin? It's my lucky coin!
And flip goes the coin! One minute later…
Harvey: (lowering himself down the rope first) I hate you…
Joker: (following down after Harvey) That's very rude, Harvey. Just enjoy the sight from up here. Look! You can see the pool area from up here!
Harvey: You can also see a nice picket fence at the bottom that would impale us if we fell.
Joker: You what your problem is? You're a pessimist.
Harvey: You know what your problem is? You're a homicidal, psychotic, sadist clown that thinks life is just a game.
Joker: Spot on Harvey. Spot on.
So they slowly and very cautiously lower themselves down and down. Although the Joker had almost let go because he went into a maniacal laughter fit when some lady opened her curtain only to see a freaky clown hanging outside her window. She screamed and tripped over a chair as she tried to run from the window. Geez, wouldn't you react the same way? Who the hell ever expects to see the Joker climbing outside their window? I wouldn't…But that's irrelevant. What isn't irrelevant is that they had reached one open window and who should they see in through the glass? None other than their friend Doctor Jonathan Crane!! Currently he was tied to a chair and had his back turned to the window.
Harvey: (calling up to the Joker) Hey Joker! I found Crane! I found Crane!
Joker: Really? Well good! Tell him to let us in. My arms are aching.
Harvey: Er, I don't think he's in situation to let us in right now.
Joker: Well we're in no situation to save him either soooooo…
Harvey: (knocking on the window) Jonathan! Jonathan! Hello?
Jonathan, who was not enjoying the greatest vacation tied to a chair, perked his head up to the sound of the knocking. He turned around to see Harvey at the window. His eyes beamed at the sight of his fellow villain-friend. Then his eyes narrowed in confusion as he wondered what the hell Harvey was doing outside the window. It was all very strange.
Harvey: Jonathan! Tell me you're alright!
Jonathan shook his head to indicate to Harvey he could not hear him.
Harvey: (speaking louder) Just wait there!! We're coming to save you!! Joker, we should hurry.
Joker: Yes, I fully agree with that idea. You know why?
There was an abrupt drop from the rope. The Joker and Harvey both felt the rope's knots loosen.
Harvey: Oh no…does it have anything to do with that?
Joker: Yes it does. I think this rope is about to-
Another sudden tug.
Joker: -give way.
Harvey: What did you tie the end to?
Joker: I tied it to the cabinet that was in there.
Harvey: The one I moved?! I told you to tie it to something STURDY!!
Joker: Don't argue with my methods!
Harvey: Your methods are about to get us killed!
The rope gave way further so that Harvey fell past Crane's window and now the Joker was looking side.
Joker: It's Doctor Crane! Hey Jonathan! Can you hear me?
Crane: (yelling from inside) Don't leave me! Don't leave me! Don't leave me!
Joker: I'd love to hang around and chat but-
And with that quick preposition, the makeshift rope tore and before Crane's eyes, the Joker disappeared.
Crane: (in a feeble voice) help…
The Joker went down laughing and Harvey went down screaming a certain number of obscenities, either of which would have made a poor choice of last words. So lucky for them they barely missed falling on the fence and fell into the bushes instead. Joker was still giggling as he rolled off the hedge (actually off of Harvey because the Joker fell on him). Harvey moaned in pain and continued to whisper obscenities to himself.
Joker: See! We're just fine…(putting hand to head)…for the most part.
This was followed by a ding sound, and Harvey looked over to see his most precious coin laying there on the ground.
Harvey: My coin! (grabs his coin and begins to stroke it lovingly) I'll never let you out of my sight ever again.
Joker: Ahem, excuse me for interrupting this nice reunion but we should-
But once again fate interrupts the Joker in mid-sentence (it does that a lot) as up ahead approached two guards who had seen what had happened. They were not so happy, you know. I guess scaffolding the hotel windows is against the rules.
Guard 1: Hey! You two! What do you think you're doing?
Guard 2: Do not attempt to resist and we will only cause minor damage to you.
Both the Joker and Harvey did not phase at this threat. Villains are used to this sort of stuff. The Joker looked over at Harvey and Harvey did the same. With a nod, the Joker stepped back and Harvey approached them.
Harvey: Look gentlemen, you probably don't know we are, but that's alright. We'll let you two off on a warning this time. Just leave us be and we won't kill you.
Guard 1: Shut up you deformed freak.
Oh noes!! No one makes fun of poor, deformed Harvey!!
Harvey: (twitch) …what?
Guard: Yeah, you heard me.
Harvey: I warned you and now-
Harvey reached for his gun. There was nothing here. Oh crap…
Harvey: and now-and now-
Joker: (whispering to Harvey) Stop stalling Harv.
Harvey: (whispering back) It seems…heh…it seems my gun has disappeared.
The Joker lifted his hands up in exasperation. See, he didn't really feel like dealing with anyone at the moment. It had been a long day already and after falling from up high; people usually are not up to dealing with others. It's annoying.
Joker: (to guards) Look, how about we come to an agreement. I don't carve up your faces and you let us be. All we want to is relax, mmkay? Does that work for you?
Guard 2: I'm gonna break your neck, you fuckin' mime.
Joker: (sighs impatiently) Okay, for one thing, I'm a joker. The Joker. Don't even call me a clown, that's not the same thing. And I'm not a mime either. Mimes aren't allowed to speak and I am obviously talking to you right now. See the difference? Oh and that whole macho guise you're trying to pull off? Not working. So why don't you and your friend leave before I decide to do something drastic.
Guard 2: Alright you just wait right there clown as I mess up the other side of this guy's face.
Joker: OH reeeeally. Well in that case…
And so as quick as a schizophrenic squirrel, the Joker pushed Harvey into the two guards and began to run, laughing as he did so. Harvey stumbled over, but quickly regained himself and began to run as well. What the hell? The two guards followed pursuit. The Joker threw the door open and rushed inside the hotel. Harvey kept at a close distance behind.
Joker: AHAHAHA!! (Stops so suddenly that Harvey bumps into him) Actually you know we should really stop this. It's very childish. But…FUN!
The Joker continues running once more, Harvey at his tail, and the guards close behind.
Harvey: What the fuck?! Why are we running? Joker!!
Joker: It's much more exciting this way! You never want to make things too easy! Where's the fun in that?
Harvey: But…but…dammit!
And so came the part where the Joker jumped right on top of one of the tables and began kicking aside all of the vases and smashing all he could…you know, because he can. Harvey continued to yell about something dealing with something. The Joker really didn't care. He was having too much fun causing havoc in the lobby. The guards neared him and the Joker instantly gave each of them a good kick to the face. He jumped back off the table and, noticing that one of the elevator doors had just opened, instantly ran towards it. Harvey rushed along into the elevator with him. The door closed.
Joker: See! Wasn't that fun?
Harvey: What was that?!
Joker: Why so serious, Harvey?
Harvey: Look, now everyone's gonna know we are here and we're going to get kicked out! This is unbelievable!
Joker: You know what else is unbelievable? The fact that-
DING! The elevator door opens!
(Joker: Stop interrupting meeeeeeeeee!!)
The Joker and Harvey both turn and see none other than their good friend Doctor Jonathan Crane standing there. Ohhhhh he no look happy right now.
Harvey/Joker: JONATHAN!!
Joker: You're not dead!
Harvey: Man, are you alright? We were trying to rescue, but things just happened, you know?
Crane: I'm just fine.
Joker: What happened? That crazy waitress lady kidnapped you, didn't she?
Crane: Yes she did. But I was able to escape.
Joker: Oh oh! (begins giggling like a school girl) You have to tell us all the juicy details! What happened exactly?
Crane: Nothing.
Joker: …Nothing? You had this girl, well actually she had you, and you didn't take advantage of this chance?! How did you mess this up?!
Harvey: I bet I know how. You began psychoanalyzing her, didn't you?
The Joker drops his mouth and stares wide-eyed at Crane.
Joker: You didn't…
Crane: What's wrong with that? I was helping her! We had a nice, long discussion about her personal life and I made her realize that she was lost and at a dead-end in her life. Then we had a talk about what she fears most about living.
Joker: You are unbelievable.
Harvey: Question. Why did we wake up randomly in our rooms?
Crane: She drugged you guys.
Harvey: Well that explains it…
Crane: Oh and she spit in your Fanta, Joker.
Joker: That bitch!! Let's go kill her!
Harvey: Yes! Payback for what she did!!
Crane: Oh there's no need for that.
Joker: You killed her?
Crane: No, she committed suicide. Drowned herself in the bathtub she did.
Joker/Harvey: WHAT?!
Crane: (shrugs) I told you, I made her realize how horrible her life is. So she killed herself. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go take a long, relaxing bubble bath.
Crane cuts between them, and nonchalantly exits out the elevator to their room. The Joker begins to laugh hysterically at the whole story and Harvey merely stares in amusement.
Harvey: I told you he would mess this up.
Phoosh! Another one in the can. I'm such a sucker for chase scenes.
To Be Continued...