Tears: Shepard
She actually feels too tired to sleep. A shower would probably help. Living on ships her whole life though, Shepard knows better than to waste water. She already indulged in a five-minute shower when they came back from Menae. She'll shower again tomorrow.
Maybe if she tries writing mission reports. Paperwork is boring. She wishes she had a proper XO to do these things for her. She misses Miranda. That woman had a passion for administration. One look at the commander's handwriting, and Shepard had been excused from submitting reports to the Illusive Man.
Shepard imagines asking Liara to take over traditional XO duties. Or worse, Garrus! She can't keep from laughing.
The nice thing about having the whole loft to herself is that she can be as loud as she wants, and no one will complain. Not that she is loud very often, with Thane gone. Did she really just think that? She must be exhausted.
It isn't that she isn't fond of Thane. She is. But… she's just fond of him.
Shepard wonders if the drell is dead yet. What a terrible person she is.
Thane felt—Thane feels?—Thane feels everything so acutely. His emotions are deep and intense. Shepard enjoyed talking to him, enjoyed his company, enjoyed staring at the muscles of his chest. Thane had been married. Thane understands love. Thane thinks he loves Shepard. Shepard let him think she felt the same, because she didn't want to be cruel. And because she was lonely, without Kaidan or anyone else.
The Shepard family is efficient, even with their emotions. Her parents never married, didn't see a reason to. They were fond of each other, didn't love each other. No passion, no mess, and after a while, even camaraderie faded to something more manageable. It was all very neat, the way things should be.
Had she even tried to love Thane back?
This is not a productive line of thought. There are so many other things she could be doing. Shepard should finish drafting this report for Admiral Hackett. She should read all the information Liara emailed her on the history of krogan-turian-salarian relations so that she doesn't say something that gets people killed at the war summit in a few days. Failing that, she should go to the shuttle bay and use the gym Vega has set up for himself down there.
Maybe Garrus would be up for a little sparring. She's willing to bet that he's not sleeping. Not with his family still on Palavan. His father and his sister, he'd said. She wonders what it would be like to have a sister, although she has Tali and Liara. Garrus' mother died a few months ago, didn't she?
Instead of thinking about her own mother, Shepard puts on a sweatshirt and takes the elevator down to the crew deck.
...
The forward battery is empty. Shepard is a little shocked; surely there are things that need to be calibrated, even in the middle of the night.
She considers waiting for Garrus to get back. Maybe he's only in the bathroom. She considers working out alone. Honestly though, she's too tired for more exercise. There will be a little time to breathe while the Normandy waits for the krogan and salarian envoys to arrive.
What she needs is rest. What she wants is someone to talk to. Where's Mordin? He was always awake at odd hours. Miranda too, never stopped working. Jack didn't sleep, and Kasumi was good-natured about being woken up for no reason.
She wishes Kaidan was here. She wishes Ashley was here.
The ship is so quiet that Shepard has to smother the sudden urge to stand on the empty crew deck, spread her arms wide, and scream until everyone is awake, annoyed, and there. But some of the crew has lived through Collector attacks. Dr. Chakwas. Ken and Gaby. Screams on the ship would terrify them. Shepard doesn't want to be cruel. She should go back to her cabin. She should sleep.
She passes by the alcove that leads to Liara's cabin, and hears noise coming from inside. Of course the Shadow Broker never sleeps. Shepard will bother her friend for a while.
For an instant just after the door slides open, Shepard thinks that the asari fell asleep at her information console. Then Liara starts, and her biotics flare. The commander announces herself before she's turned into a tiny stain on the floor. And the ceiling. And the monitors. And Liara's nice, white coat.
The purple glow fades, and Liara grips her machines tightly for a moment. Shepard grins, planning to make a joke about how she realizes that the toys in here are all very expensive, and she promises not to even breathe on anything unless it's really shiny.
Then Liara looks up.
She has been crying. She still is crying. The sight of Liara in tears always upsets Shepard. Maybe because Liara is so honest. She only cries when she is actually in pain.
"You're crying," Shepard says stupidly. Observation. It keeps her alive.
Liara frowns and brings a hand up to her cheek.
(Is she checking? Does she not believe Shepard? Why does no one ever believe Shepard? She likes jokes and tricks, sure, but she's always honest when it matters.)
"What's wrong?" Shepard asks, crossing the room. Liara likes to be hugged when she cries, and Shepard can do that for her. The other woman doesn't move to bury her face in Shepard's shoulder. The commander shifts from foot to foot. What is she supposed to do? She wants the tears gone. She pulls her sleeves down, catches Liara's chin in her left hand, and wipes away the tears with the heel of her right hand.
"Don't cry," she pleads. Please don't cry. She smiles tightly. "You look too good to be crying." It's the truth. The asari is not as pale as she was on Illium. She's not as angry as she was on Illium, as lonely as she was on the Shadow Broker's ship, or as frightened as she was on Therum. She looks better than Shepard remembers her ever looking. Funny, that she looks so good when the world is ending. Shepard probably looks like crap.
Liara gasps and sobs some more. Shepard presses her sweatshirt to her friend's face. "What're you crying for?" She can't fix it if she doesn't know what's wrong. "What are you thinking about?" Please don't cry.
The tears stop. Suddenly. Like repairing a leaking faucet. Liara pulls out of Shepard's grip. "Just… old memories," she says, trying to be reassuring. She turns off the wall of monitors. The room seems quieter without their glow. Softer.
"I spent a few weeks on Palaven's south peaks when I was very, very young," Liara explains. Stupid Shepard. Too wrapped up in herself and Garrus to think that other people might be hurting. "A turian there teased me a little," the corners of Liara's mouth turn up slightly, and Shepard smiles in relief. No more tears. "He said the mountains went on forever. I remember believing him.
"When I looked up at Palaven from its moon, I saw those same mountains burning."
Stupid Shepard. "Oh, Liara, I'm sorry." Observation. She doesn't have it when she needs it.
If something irritates Liara, she pulls her chin down, sucks her cheeks in slightly, and thrusts her lower lip forward. The face makes the asari look like a duck. At least Shepard thinks so. "You didn't attack Palavan, so what do you have to apologize for?" Liara asks. All superior because she has more degrees than God.
"Well, now I'm sorry for trying to be nice to such a grumpy person." Shepard is a little hurt. Why will complete strangers accept her sympathy, but not her friends?
Liara laughs. She thinks Shepard was joking. Oh, well. She laughed, that's all that matters. "You are a good friend Shepard."
Liara makes a joke about asari lifespans. A peace offering. That makes Shepard smile. She feels like joking now.
Suddenly though, Liara is serious, apologizing to Shepard. Is this another joke? She smirks. "You didn't attack Palaven," she tells Liara archly. Shepard gets it.
She can tell Liara wants to roll her eyes. "No, I did not, but my tears over Palaven must seem insensitive to you, seeing as how Earth—"
Why won't people stop thinking Shepard must be sad about Earth? It's humanity's planet, yes, but Shepard feels no connection to the place. She wants to go back and rescue everyone. She's angry about the Reapers. She doesn't care about Earth, though.
Liara is waiting for a response. Shepard tells her. She tells her friend everything. "Earth has never been home to me. I want to save humanity, but I don't…. Why can't I care about Earth? Am I a bad person?" Liara is a good person. She will know if it's bad for Shepard to feel like this.
"Of course not!" Liara doesn't hesitate. She sounds almost angry. It makes Shepard feel better.
"Shepard," Liara says, "you do not care about Earth. Earth does not hold any special meaning for you. That is all right. In fact, it is one of the things I admire about you."
Shepard is confused.
"You do not form attachments to places. Where you are is of little significance to you," Liara explains. "People matter to you. You do not hate the Reapers because they set Palaven's mountains on fire. You hate them because they are hurting people."
Shepard isn't sure she believes Liara, but she wants to. The person Liara describes is the kind of person Shepard wants to be. "You're a good friend, Liara."
The asari sighs, and rolls up the sleeves of Shepard's sweatshirt, first the dry one, then the damp, like the commander is a child wearing hand-me-downs. "Perhaps."
…
Later, Commander Shepard falls asleep in a chair as the Shadow Broker details how Dalatrass Linron became leader of the Salarian Union.
Author's Note: Calibration jokes. Never let it be said that I don't give the people what they want.
In any case, here's my bright-blue, sugar-sweet paragon femShep. She loves her mother, is blindly loyal to the Alliance, enjoys working out and spending time with friends, always does the right thing, and battles crippling self-doubt.