Today had been a hard day. Tougher than most. It had culminated in her current state: sitting in the dark with a drink in her hand. The swirling of the liquid in her glass was almost poetically symbolic of the thoughts swirling in her head. She felt guilt. Immense, crippling guilt.

She did something unthinkable today. She had laughed. A genuine laugh. She felt happy. But it was short lived. The guilt set in quickly as the laughter died. What right did she have to feel so happy? Was it okay to feel happy, especially since Alex was gone? Did being happy betray Alex? Did it mean she was letting go? Did it erase any part of what was between them? Did it nullify any part of their love?

She couldn't even remember what it was that drew the smile from her lips and the laughter from her belly. It was just such a relief to finally feel something other than pain, dread, or anger. It was such a release to finally laugh. But it was completely and utterly bittersweet. The small amount of reprieve allotted was juxtaposed with guilt.

She knew that the guilt wasn't exactly rational. Hell…it was an emotion and those were never rational. But it was what it was. She felt guilty. Guilty for laughing. Guilty for feeling something other than misery. Guilty for feeling a smidgen of happiness for a small, immeasurable moment in time. And it made no sense, whatsoever.

She knew Alex would want her to be able to laugh. To feel genuine joy. Because that's what you want for someone you truly love. Because that was exactly what she wanted for Alex.

But she never expected it to come for herself. The day that she felt genuine happiness that she couldn't share with her love – it came right out of the blue. She never expected to feel real happiness again, all the while knowing what real happiness truly was. She knew real happiness because of Alex. She knew real happiness by being with Alex. Alex was her happiness. Now Alex was gone. But happiness was still possible? No! It couldn't be! How could it? How could she? She felt as if she has betrayed Alex. Betrayed their love.

She had always been able to keep her emotions in check. She was a natural at it. Growing up with an alcoholic mother, haunted by the memory of a 'father' she never knew, she learned early on how to hide things. She hardly ever showed vulnerability. Anger, yes. That particular emotion was one of the few she had trouble with. She had the ability to be the most patient woman, especially with children. But she could also be hard as nails and quick to anger, especially with perps. It was something that bothered her. The anger in her. She had always wondered if that was something her father gave her when he contributed to her genetic make-up. If that was what particular emotions stemmed from, then she didn't want any part of them that was any part of him.

And so she fought to hide all her emotions. That was the only way she could hide any of them. But there, in the deafening silence, in the darkness of her living room, she couldn't fight it anymore. The massive lump in her throat could not be swallowed. The hot, angry tears could not be blinked back. The immense pain could not be ignored. She was overcome.

The first time she was unable to hold back the tears was the night that fate had been horribly cruel. It was the night the shots rang out. It was the same night that she was told that the doctors did all they could, but that it was too late. The bullet had pierced Alex's shoulder, but it might as well have pierced straight through Olivia's heart. It would have achieved the same effect. The indescribable emotional pain she felt was so physically unbearable it was crippling. That bullet didn't just cut through skin and bone. It shattered lives.

The second time the tears fell was the night that the federal agents had summoned her. The night they had so 'graciously' reunited the two lovers only to rip them apart once again. She hadn't managed to blink back the tears that night. Those tears. They were tears of joy that Alex was alive. They were tears of anguish because Alex was still lost. They were tears of anger, frustration, resignation, and sorrow all-in-one.

But this night, the weight upon her was suffocating. The pain, the anger, the guilt, they all served to crushed her already mangled heart even more. On this dark, cold, and lonely night, only made different by the events of the day, the remorse claimed her just as the heartache had consumed her. These torrents of emotion, mixed with the burning of the alcohol in her drink, overcame her. The bittersweet memories replayed in her mind. And, for the third time since she had lost Alex, she lost control and the tears fell. I'm so sorry, Alex. I didn't mean to. I miss you so much. Not a day goes by...