CHAPTER 4
If I didn't have some ancient ass vampire blood in me – I don't know how I'm still standing here- slinging
drinks and, listenin' to Maxine (the ol' turd)Fortenberry , trying' to take the crown and sash away from
Jane (the drunk-ho) Bodehouse, in the Ms. Pathetic Bullshit Pageant.
" My baby boy…my only one .. " she randomly sprayed at me again. This is annoying as hell.
Cause No. 1 I have been working my glorious black ass to the bone at Sookie's house all day with Tara.
And No. 2 Tara could only make it about 30 minutes into her bartending shift, before her denial dam
finally burst. The fact that her abusive, beeyatch boyfriend got his hot punk-ass shot down in this very
parking lot, came crashing down on her like Katrina. My poor hooka' cousin is supposed to be the smart
one but she always gettin' her pretty self caught in some kind of bad juju Bob Marley song.
So me 'n' Terry, Arlene and one of my random sorority "V" babies ( who I got to pay off in the red stuff
later) have been trying to serve a very crazy, confused, thirsty as shit, public.
Becca?,BeeBe? Somethin' like that, didn't do half bad for a firs' night, but I could see she was startin'
to come down from the V and get a little shaky. Uh oh, speakin' of shaky, here comes my man Terry.
I resist the urge to tell Maxine that I was real happy to hear Hoyt was finally tappin' some pussy instead
of just acting like one, and instead I just told her and four finger Jane It was last round.
I follow Terry back and touch his shoulder, "Hey, my brother, you holdin' on?... If you gotta problem just
let me know," and I sure meant that. Not too many folks got my back in this world and Terry proved to
me in this very kitchen that he was one of 'em.
"No, no…sorry, sorry.." Terry kinda mumbled back, his head was bent down from the heavy pile that this
group will shovel on you if you stand still.
"Terry, Terry look baby…" I cooed gently " You …always …apologizing" I directed my gaze on his baby
blues. " Now look at me…" I stuck my chin up to the ceiling, and with my right arm bangles jingling I
gave him my best drag queen side pose, " I am a proud, gay, black man" I drawled on, "livin' in the land
of the Nosy Ignorant 'Necks." I paused for affect. " Now… You see me sayin' sorry? …SHIT NO!"
" I don't APOLOGIZE,… I ACCESORIZE! "
That got a smile from my favorite Gulf War Vet. He chuckled a bit.
" Lafayette? Whaddya think maybe a diamond stud ?" He pointed at his ear.
" Oh, yeah baby", I replied "that's all you!" I grinned and started cleaning countertops.
" Oh Terry, a little advice, If you get hooprings, always take 'em off before kickin'ass."
I never thought that shift would end, but until Sookie gets in for the lunch shift I'm sort of running
Merlotte's. " Lafayette Merlotte"..hmm… sounds like a bad French wine label. But, it was kind of cool
to be a legit businessman if only for a little while. I tossed the trash and locked the back. I felt uneasy as
I always do , by that fucking dumpster of doom. This time my unease got a jolt of encouragement by a
golden blur flashing near Sam's trailer. I shook my head.
"That shit did not just happen," spoke my hopeful brain. "Yes, it fucking did," reported my rolling stomach.
"Hello Lafayette," whispered my worst walking nightmare "How nice to see you again."
I flattened my body stiff as a board against the back door. His giant muscular frame completely blocked
me. I was mother fuckin' terrified. I broke into a vicious sweat and was maybe gonna ' pass out.
I couldn't breathe… 'course neither could he, I vaguely thought . I'm not sure my head was getting
enough oxygen.
Then I heard, " Don't you do it!.. I need you awake my little minion, "
Did he just call me his little minion? Oh no he didn't. I got angry then, I wish I could slap this nasty bitch
in the face, like Sookie did. But, I don't have the nerve,… or the tits.
"What do you want?" I managed to croak.
"First, you will need to look at me," the vampire commanded.
Shit my eyes were still closed. I blinked my eyes open and was relieved to see he wasn't wearing a dress
or toting a shotgun. Although, my fashion sense noticed that his yellow tee did not make his eyes "pop"
the way Lettie's blue dress did. Well, now I'm just fuckin' hysterical. He was staring.
I glanced at his eyes as best I could, they were like a steep, barren landscape, it was painful to
experience. I wondered if he would glamour me. Ignorance is bliss around here, just bring it, baby.
"I'm a little angry with you Lafayette," said Death Mountain.
Oh Shit, I thought you wanted me awake. "W..wwhy?"
" I believe you have spoken about our business arrangement with another vampire."
" Please don't …shit… I didn't.. I mean Bill found out on his own and , he's one of your boys, right?
" I mean Jesus this girl came to buy, and he was at my house… he was gonna rip my throat out! "
"I couldn't , … Please, let me go…" I begged.
" Why are you so afraid of me, Lafayette?"
"Because I saw you rip a guy apart and eat him like a fuckin' Subway sandwich!" I said, in my head.
At least I think it was in my head. Shit, I hope like hell that was in my head!
Either way I think he got my meaning . He almost smiled, if you can call the look vampires make a smile.
" When three esteemed vampire citizens are murdered in cold blood. It is my job to handle that sort of
thing. Justice must be served. Don't you agree?"
" Yeah, I ain't standing up for Royce for damn sure, but those vamps didn't seem so esteemed when
they crashed in here, broke up the bar, and had Sookie by the throat, they could have killed any of…"
The icy vampire mountain started to rumble, like an avalanche busting and he gripped my arms so
tightly that I couldn't feel my fingers.
" Which one?" he boomed at me.
"what… did what?" I stammered.
" Who grabbed Sookie?" he whispered into my face.
Well shit, we didn't exchange Christmas cards. I couldn't remember my own name just now.
" Not the bald one," I blabbered. " The kind of dark, flamboyant one."
"Did he bite her?" hissed the golden vamp.
" I don't think so, I mean , I'm not sure. "
" Fucking Malcolm " he said under his breath.
"Sam came after them with a pool cue and then Bill broke in and they all left together." I rattled on,
"It's a good thing, Bill didn't stay with them and get burned."
"Of course," he remarked dryly. Then he paused and stared some more.
" You are aware that Bill Compton is currently missing?"
And you would be tops on my suspect list, I thought very silently.
"Yes, I know, Bill is gone. And I've been helpin' Sookie,all I can" I threw in quickly.
"Yes, " he interrupted. " I am going to need you to watch out for her during the daytime, tomorrow."
"I always watch out for Sook, she saved my life." I said automatically. " but we're so busy with the bar and all. You know Sam is away."
" I will send some help from Fangtasia, while your boss is shorthanded."
You're gonna send that group up here to Merlotte's?, I thought. Oh I can't wait to see the locals..
" Get Sookie's brother to help as well. It is critical that she is safe. You see it may be that the people
who have Bill, would try to abduct her as well, since he is so blatant with his affection for her," he
said the last part distastefully.
Oh, Bill is huh? Said my smart ass brain.
He gave me a sharp look and continued. " I am arranging for a bodyguard for Sookie soon. As soon as
you get home you will contact this number. You are going to make contact with a few people out of
state. You will tell them that you are looking for work and a change of pace. I understand some of them
already post on your website. My associate will give you details and take care of any expenses
associated with this."
"Do you understand?" he questioned as he slipped the card into my sweaty palm.
" Yes, Sir." I was in deep shit.
"Good, man" he murmured, then with lightning speed he crunched into his wrist vein. "Drink," he said.
As he plied the thick bloody wound to my lips I hate to admit that I responded a bit like a junky. It was
so fuckin' good last time. Now I wasn't even injured so the tonic went straight to my Happy Johnson.
I only had two mouthfuls when he pulled the wrist away. My mouth was open and watering for more.
" Enough," he warned, but more kindly than he had the first time." You'll need that for strength and
courage," he said , brushing my cheek . Then with a breeze he sped his sexy vampire ass past my car
and turned back towards the bar. "Lafayette. You'll also need to pack your Gold Thong!"
He sure knows how to make an exit.