Chapter Four: Giving Up

Lily and Remus sat at a wooden desk, as far as they could get from James and Sirius, who had no real intentions of studying. Lily was determined to get her grades higher, and she found herself spending a lot of time with Remus, who was the studious type.

She hadn't yet worked up the nerve to ask him about their conversation in the owlery and he showed no signs of wanting to bring it up again. She had done a little bit of research on the matter and thought she had some idea what he meant. She wouldn't believe him until she told him straight.

She watched him carefully out of the corner of her eye, his light brown hair falling gently on his pale face as he studied the page in front of him. She thought now might be a good time to say something, with James and Sirius fooling around at the other end of the library and no one else around.

She stood up abruptly, returning with a thick volume titled: A Full Moon - Analysis of the Werewolf, putting it rather heavily on the table in front of her.

He looked up, startled. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, just doing some extra research," she said airily, making sure he would be able to see the cover of the book.

"On werewolves?" he said, a small frown appearing on his face.

"Yes."

"Why?"

She looked up on him. "Because of our conversation of course. You asked me what I know about werewolves - don't you remember?"

"I remember." he said shortly, turning his face once again to the transfiguration text on the table in front of him.

Dang. She wasn't getting anywhere.

"So, what do you know about werewolves?" she casually threw his question back at him.

He bit his lip, as if trying not to smile. "A fair bit."

"Why do you know so much, I wonder?" she hoped she wasn't pushing it too far.

"Lily," he said anxiously, finally looking up at her. "Please don't tell anyone."

"Tell anyone what?" She whispered.

"You've figured it out. I know you have."

"You don't mean -?!"

"Shhh!" he said, his eyes widening.

"Oh, Remus, I didn't actually BELIEVE it!" she was shocked at the accuracy of her own theory.

He scratched his head thoughtfully. "Dumbledore didn't expect anyone to work it out, especially not in the first grade. You're a very smart girl."

She blushed. She wished it were true.

"So that's why you go home once every month…" she said, the pieces coming together more clearly.

He nodded, his face strained as if he were remembering something particularly painful.

"What's it like? Being a werewolf?"

There was so much about her new world that Lily had no idea about. When would it stop surprising her?

"Horrible." he said quietly. "I don't like it one bit."

His voice sounded terribly fragile. Lily felt tears prickle behind her eyes.

"I won't tell anyone." she promised, giving him a friendly smile.

He smiled too. "Thank you." she heard the sincerity in his voice.

"I'm sure Sirius and James wouldn't tell anyone either," she added.

The frown returned to his face. "No, I'd rather not tell them."

She sighed. "You know, you should frown less. It doesn't suit you."

He raised his eyebrows, giving her a lopsided smile. "Better?"

She titled her head to the side, as if concentrating very hard on his face. "A little."

They both burst out laughing.

"Oi!" Sirius called across the tables. "Keep it down! Some of us are trying to study around here."

"I can't think of who that might be," Lily replied sardonically.

"Us, of course." James said, as if that was the obvious answer.

Sirius grinned at him and said so only James could hear, "I know what you're studying."

James kicked him under the table. "Shut up, Slytherin."

Severus woke, gasping for air. He lay there for a moment, the darkness almost suffocating, as the old feeling of reality lapsed over him and he realized it was only a dream.

Not a dream, he thought bitterly. Dream was too nice of a word to use. It was a nightmare.

He hadn't had any nightmares for a few months now. He tried to think back to when they had stopped… oh. Around the time he had become friends with Lily Evans. He shook his head. He needed to stop thinking about her.

So why had they returned? The dark room appeared vividly in his mind, as though he could still be asleep dreaming of it. But he did know this place in real life. It was his home.

He rolled over, wondering what time it was. The idea of going back to sleep didn't appeal to him. He lay there with his thoughts for a few moments, mentally tuning out the snores coming from Avery's bed. As usual, Lily came to mind unwillingly.

He hadn't meant to hurt her. He had stopped talking to her for her own good, really. He cursed the sorting hat for ever thinking she belonged in Slytherin.

Of course it wasn't only for her good. He didn't like the idea of Avery and Wilkes thinking he was involved with muggle-borns. He knew their opinions on the matter. In fact, they were his opinions too. So why couldn't he get her out of his head…

He heard someone stir in the bed next to him. Avery sat up, stretching emphatically. "Another day, eh Snape?" he said as he noticed he was awake.

"Indeed," Severus replied, sitting up himself.

"We'd better wake Wilkes up and get down to breakfast. Bella has some plan," he winked.

They dressed quickly and made their way down to the Great Hall. Half way there they were stopped by Bellatrix, Severus noted a wicked gleam in her eyes.

"So what's this plan of yours?" Wilkes asked eagerly.

"Well," her voice was low and harsh. "Just a general ambush. No teachers looking, you know? I thought that the red head might be an easy target." her laugh was cold.

Severus' stomach churned. No, not her, anyone but her…

"I have someone else in mind," he said suddenly.

All three looked at him, surprised. "Who?" Bella asked indignantly.

He probably should've thought of someone before he opened his mouth. His eye searched the corridor full of students, his eyes skimming past Lily who was walking alone, and landed on a chubby Hufflepuff boy.

"Peter." he said quickly. "Peter Pettigrew."

His three friends looked confused. "Who?"

He pointed to the boy with colourless hair that was waddling down the corridor in the same direction as Lily.

"Ah," Bella hissed appreciatively.

"Pathetic," Avery agreed, his eyes narrowing.

Relief washed over Severus.

They soon caught up to him, two walking on each of his sides in an extremely intimidating manner.

"Hi there loser," Wilkes said, his pale blue eyes were malicious.

Peter glanced around at them nervously and quickened up his pace.

"Not so fast," Bella hissed. "We were just getting started with our lovely chat."

Avery stepped one foot out in front of the boy, and Peter went sprawling across the floor, his hands over his head to protect himself.

Wilkes laughed. He sounded like a crazy man.

"Now what shall we do to him boys?" Bella said, tilting her head at the figure curled up before them.

"Leave him alone!"

Severus' stomach writhed. No, don't get involved…

Bella's lip curled. "Ah. It's the mud blood."

"You can call me whatever you want," she said, her voice wavering with fury. "Just leave that boy alone."

"Oh is that so?" Bella said, advancing on Lily, kicking Peter as she went past him. "That's ok, I had plans for you anyway."

Severus' heart pounded. He needed a diversion…he needed something…

"Wait a minute."

Severus' head snapped to see who had interrupted this sickening course of events. It was the Black boy, wand held out in front of him.

Bella's also turned to look at him. "Oh hello there cousin." she said casually. "I was just playing a little game with your friend here."

He walked closer to her, closing the gap between herself and Lily. "Hmm, that's nice. But I know your idea of a game, Bella, and it's not happening here."

She sneered. "What makes you think you can stop me?"

Wilkes and Avery moved in closer, wands at the ready, just as James Potter appeared behind Sirius saying loudly, "He's not alone!"

Severus couldn't help but watch Lily as all this was going on. She stood very still, looking more frightened then he had ever seen her. The Peter boy had scrambled up from the floor and was standing behind her, watching fearfully. He watched her turn around, pat him on the shoulder and murmur a few words of reassurance. For a moment Severus felt insanely jealous. He forced himself to look away.

"WHAT is going on here?" said a stern voice.

It was a professor, one that Severus had never seen before. Enemies and friends alike shoved their wands quickly back into their robes and tried to look innocent.

"Nothing, Professor," James Potter said.

She eyed them suspiciously. "I should think so. Especially considering most of you are from the same house," she looked pointedly at Sirius and Bella. "Ten points from each of your houses, off you go."

They all groaned.

Lily watched as Severus and his friends stalked away in a different direction. She saw Severus shoot an angry look at her. Why was he doing this?

Sirius and James went over to Lily. "Are you ok?"

She nodded. "I'm fine. Your cousin isn't very pleasant, Sirius." she added.

He grimaced as James said, "Oh she's a bag of laughs that one!"

They all burst out laughing, all traces of seriousness disappearing.

Peter spoke up in a squeaky voice, "So, er, can I sit with you guys?"

Dear Lily

I told you that you wouldn't have fun at that nasty place.

The only reason I got your letter is because that bird dropped it outside the window and then flew away. Even thought I don't like birds… it was a nice looking bird, so thank you for that.

Lily smiled to herself. She knew how much it meant for her sister to say that.

Mum, dad and I are leaving for France on the 19th. They said to tell you that they're sorry they can't leave later so you could come too. I don't mind going to France, as long as no one tries to make me eat frog.

Love your sister,

Petunia

PS- I am glad you don't talk to that awful boy.

Lily stared glumly at the parchment in her hands, mixed emotions whirling inside her. She missed her family terribly. She would have loved to spent Christmas with them.

On the other hand, the letter made her feel defensive. But why should it? Tuney was right, Severus was an awful boy. But still Lilly couldn't help feel protective of her ex-friend.

This made things particularly difficult now she was friends with James and Sirius. They openly hated Severus, and every time one of them said something degrading she felt like slapping them. Remus was good. He didn't judge people. Lily guessed it was because he had been judged terribly since he got bitten and knew how it felt. Their new companion, Peter was quiet, at least to Lily. The only thing she noticed about him was that he never had any opinions of his own and preferred to agree with those of Sirius and James. It was absurd.

She kept an eye on Snape and his friends. It consisted of Slytherin's from all years. Wilkes, Avery, Rosier and Severus himself were the First Years of the group. Dolohov and Bellatrix were from the third grade and the eldest of the lot of a teenage boy by the name of Lestrange and his blonde companion Malfoy. They were an unpleasant bunch, always talking in dulcet tones as if they had something to hide.

Every now and then she caught Severus' eye. A second later his black hair would curtain his face, hiding his black eyes. This made it hard for Lily to work out what he was thinking.

Lily hadn't had another encounter with Bellatrix before Christmas. She was thankful. She saw Bella glare in her direction, but she didn't dare do anything with James and Sirius beside her. Lily sometimes wondered if they'd be more afraid of Remus if they knew he was a werewolf. This idea made her giggle. He was so kind, it was hard to imagine him being intimidating.

She walked down the dark hall, away from the Slytherin common room. She never spent much time there - mostly because it would be foolish and dangerous to - and spent much of her time in the library with Remus or having snow fights with James and Sirius. She didn't know what she was going to do - all three of her best friends were going home for Christmas.

That's where she was headed now as she walked along the gradually emptying halls, to say goodbye.

"I don't want to," Sirius said gruffly. "I don't want to have to listen to mum go one about the company I choose to keep. It's bad enough that I got sorted into Slytherin," he grumbled.

"Next Christmas, you're coming to my place to stay." James said firmly.

His face brightened. "Your parents wouldn't mind?"

"'Course not! They'd love to meet my friends." James replied.

Sirius cheered up considerably after this.

"Can't you stay?' Lily said anxiously to Remus.

He shook his head. "It's best I don't. I need a bit of a rest anyway."

She looked carefully at his appearance and decided he did indeed need a rest. His face was more pale than ever and his eyes were bloodshot, purple smudged beneath them. She felt a pang of sadness for her close friend.

She nodded. "Yes, well I will see you straight after Christmas," she said, more for her benefit than his.

He smiled weakly. "Certainly."

She was overwhelmed with the urge to hug him.

"Thank you," he said, patting her on the back awkwardly, unsure if she was going to let go.

"Hey!" said James. "Where's my hug?"

"Well I'll give you hug if you like, James…" Sirius grinned.

Lily laughed, tears in her eyes. She gave James a hesitant hug, releasing him quicker than she had Remus. "I know it's silly to be sad!" she said, trying to keep the tears in her eyes, instead of cascading down her cheeks.

"Nah, it's not." Sirius said. "I'd be sad if I left me too."

She laughed again. "I won't miss your arrogance," she said teasingly.

Before long, the train was speeding down towards the green mountains and Lily was left standing alone on the platform. Where to now?

She considered going up to the library to get started on the charms essay that was due after the holidays, but decided against it. She had worked hard enough to get her grades higher and now lessons were coming easily to her. She didn't need to reward herself with more study.

Snow was falling softly on her hair, but she didn't mind. She had never been overly sensitive to the cold, her long black cloak and green and silver scarf keeping her warm enough. She was just making her way back up to the castle - not sure where exactly - she heard a whoosh and a tawny owl landed on a branch above her, dropping a letter that she caught just in time before it hit the soggy ground.

Strange, she thought to herself. What could Petunia need to say that she had forgotten to put in her letter before? She careful unrolled the letter, frowning at the cramped scrawl on the page that was so unlike Petunia's loopy handwriting. Her eyes skimmed the bottom to see if there was a signature, but there was none. She began to read.

Lily,

I am terribly sorry for the way I have acted since coming to Hogwarts. I have been out of line. I beg you to forgive me. I miss our friendship.

S.

She held the letter, her fingers numb but not from the cold. She looked up at the owl as it flew away, not really seeing it. So this is how it was, was it? He could stop talking to her whenever he wanted, but as soon as he said they could be friends again, she was supposed to come back running? She didn't think so.

She heard a soft crunch from behind her and swiveled round. "You!"

Severus stood there, taller than her, but looking extremely nervous. "Lily - I -"

"I don't want to hear it," she snapped and began to talk in the opposite direction.

He stumbled after her. "Wait! Let me explain!"

She turned around so suddenly he nearly ran into her. She stuck out her finger threateningly. "I think you explained yourself well enough a few months ago. I don't need to hear it again."

"This is not the same!"

She hesitated. "Why should it be different?"

"I…made a mistake." he swallowed. "It was stupid."

She frowned. "That's your excuse? You made a mistake?"

He didn't say anything.

"Well, that's not good enough Severus Snape! Don't talk to me again!"

And with that she rushing up to the castle, careful not to slip in the wet snow, leaving Severus standing there, his nose going pink from the cold and his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.

Girls, he thought bitterly.

Severus Snape was sitting alone in the library, fuming. He didn't understand what he had done wrong. Why had she stormed off like that? Completely over-reacted. Now she would probably go tell that hot-head Black and his stooge Potter and he'd have to endure their empty threats.

If only she knew. If only she knew how many times he had stopped Bella turning on Lily, hurting her in ways she couldn't even imagine. He risked looking like a mud blood lover - to save her skin. Ungrateful.

After a few moments he began to calm down, the rage subsiding and his breathing going back to a normal pace. Disappointment set in. he wanted so much to be her friend.

If she would only listen! If she would actually listen to him he might be able to convince her to forgive him.

But why would she forgive you? A nasty voice inside his head spoke up. He shook his head furiously. stop it, he told himself. The voice laughed, sounding exactly like his father. He was tempted to bang his head against the wooden table.

Well. Maybe it was for the best. He had stopped talking to her in order to protect her, so maybe it was …fate, whatever it was called, that she still didn't want to associate with him.

This idea didn't quench his bitter disappointment.

The holidays passed slowly. Lily spent a lot of her time in the library, or taking long walks on the snow covered grounds. Mostly she spent it avoiding Severus, who seemed to be doing the same thing. She kept his letter. She didn't know why. In her fury she had thrown it into a paper bin in the corner of the common room. After having fallen asleep in an armchair she had woken to the sound of a well-meaning house elf emptying it and yelled, "NO!" in horror. The elf jumped a foot off the ground and dispparated with a crack. She ran to the bin and recovered her letter, feeling slightly bad for giving the house elf such a shock.

She read it many times. She read each word carefully, obsessively, trying to grasp for deeper meaning. The only thing she could get from it each tome was her own feelings bounced off the page back off her. She missed their friendship too… she had never wanted it to stop…

But perhaps it was pride. Perhaps it was fear. She didn't approach him with an apology of any sort. She kept her distance and he kept his.

Until, that was, Remus convinced her she should do otherwise.

Christmas holidays had ended. Sirius had returned in a particularly bad mood, and even James seemed a little subdued, Lily guessing it was because he missed his family. Of course that was not Sirius's reason.

"Mum spent the whole time lecturing me on who I should spend time with. Told her to sod off, and let's just say I should have done that." he scowled at the memory.

"Were you in trouble because of me?" Lily ventured.

He smiled at her. "No. It's not because of you. It's because of your blood."

This didn't reassure her much.

Remus, on the other hand, had come back to school looking refreshed and happier than Lily had seen him last term. His face had some colour in it and his smile was no longer weak - when he saw Lily he positively grinned.

Glad to have her library partner back, she listened to him describe his holidays. "Yes, dad was pleased. I think he's proud of me, for coming to school and doing so well when I have that little, ah, disadvantage, he says Dumbledore's a good man for giving me a chance. By the way did you get that charms essay finished?"

She gasped. "I completely forgot!"

"Well, that's not like you." he commented. "What could've happened to make it slip your mind?"

She bit her lip. Should she tell him? She had spent so much time obsessing over the letter that she had completely forgotten about the charms essay. Her fury with Severus was rekindled - if it wasn't for him she would never have been so careless!

"Well, I was a little preoccupied from a letter I received." she admitted.

"Oh?" Remus said curiously.

"Yes… it was from Severus." she replied.

"Ah," he said, suddenly comprehending. She had told him about her friendship with Severus before.

"He apologised." her voice was quiet.

"What did you say?" Remus asked kindly.

"I told him to never talk to me again," she looked up at Remus, her green eyes filled with worry. "Do you think I did the right thing?"

Remus thought about his answer carefully. He had loyalties to James and Sirius, but he couldn't lie to Lily. He just couldn't. "I think that's your answer," he looked at her meaningfully.

Her eyes widened.

"You wouldn't be asking yourself if you had done the right thing, if it were so." he continued.

"How do I fix this?" she groaned.

He smiled. "That part is up to you."

First potions lesson of the term, Lily simply couldn't pay attention. Every two seconds Slughorn was bellowing, "No, no, Evans! That doesn't go in till last! Where is you head today?"

Her head? Her head was off somewhere trying decided the best way to approach Severus. She watched him all lesson, from the moment he put his bag down on the floor, till the moment he had finished brewing the perfect potion.

He didn't look over at her until the end of the lesson when everyone had cleared up their equipment and was putting their books in their bags, slowly heading out the door to go to their next lesson. She seized the opportunity and waved him over.

A look of astonishment crossed his face. He looked behind him and then back at her, pointing to his chest and mouthing "me?"

She almost laughed out loud. She nodded at him.

He walked over to her, looking rather apprehensive. Once he had reached her, she took a deep breath. "I'm sorry!" she spluttered.

"Er, what?" Hadn't she told him never to speak to her again?

"I'm sorry," she said again. "I over reacted and I shouldn't have. I accept your apology."

He stood there awkwardly for a few moments, not knowing what to say. "…That's good." he felt his lips turn upwards, the first genuine smile to cross his face in months.

"Really?" she asked nervously. "Because I understand if you don't want to talk to me. I mean, you have your friends and I have mine…"

"Ah." yes, this did pose a problem. "Well I can tell you now that I definitely won't be hurrying over to the Gryffindor table to see with those dunderheads."

She couldn't help giggling. "And I don't fancy the idea of sharing breakfast with Bellatrix. She really is horrible, Sev."

He smirked. "I know."

"Then why do you hang out with her?!"

His smile faded. "She knows some… interesting…magic."

Lily didn't know what he meant by that, but she didn't have time to enquire. Professor Slughorn had noticed them lingering and was shouting at them to get to class. They rushed from the room, glancing at each other with mischievous smiles, best friends again at last.