Title: Consequences
Author: thewhiterose3
Pairing: none at present, but I may not be able to help myself.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Blah blah woof woof.
Rating: T for language
A/N: Chapter four. I don't usually do chapter summaries, but if I did this one would be. "He wonders when everyone got so much smarter than him. Maybe they always were."
It's an ordinary awful so fucking wrong Tuesday when Danny notices that his phone is beeping. After a little investigation he find that he has a voicemail from his older sister Ann, the same sister that he commandeered into keeping Rachel sane in the Williams household. Now this is good, just damn great, right when I need to read you the damn riot act for your stupidity, you are off doing something noble like fixing your ohana. Yes, Grace has been filling me in. Rach too. When you have at least an hour or two to receive the tongue lashing that you are fully aware that you deserve –we are Williamses we know guilt – you better damn well call me, baby brother. Danny breathes out a sigh of relief that it seems no one has died, but then is immediately wary of the forced calm, the hardness in his sister's voice at the mention of Rachel.
But there is another part of him that is so fucking grateful that someone else knows, that if Rachel confided in Annie, then he doesn't have to keep it all in anymore. Because there are days, fuck if there aren't days, when Danny feels ready to just break down and fucking cry in the middle of HPD. When he is overwhelmed by the sheer length and breadth of the why the world is so fucking wrong it physically hurts list in his head. And yeah, Chin and Kono and Jenna know a good portion of it, but fuck it's gonna feel cathartic to be able to talk about the rest. And yeah, Annie's right, he's been waiting, just waiting for someone to figure out how seriously he fucked up, because there is a large fucking part of his list that is his fault, riding on his shoulders and he's tired, fucking exhausted of acting like its not.
And isn't it a kick in the balls that Kono is the one. Kono, the one currently shouldering the blame for their collective actions, Kono's the one who figures out how close Danny is to breaking. Figures out how hard he's taking not being able to see Steve at all. And fuck if she's not the best of them, because she's out on bail for less than 24 hours before she's demanding to know why on earth Danny can't make just one social visit to see his partner. Noticing how frail and thin Danny's act is, how his flailing is just for show because he's so damn tired of pretending that he's okay with the way the world is so fucking broken right now.
And then she's asking about Grace and she finds out that it's been 18 days, 2 hours, and 24 minutes since he's seen his daughter and only about 19 hours after that since he last saw Steve being shoved bodily into a squad car. And it's that look on her face, that sympathy for him when she's so far into the hole, she doesn't have the badge that she worked so fucking hard for on her hip, that nearly does him in. Kono hugs him and he nearly breaks down right fucking there so he doesn't hug her back, closes his eyes staying stiff and brittle in her arms until she doesn't even spare a glance to check with Chin, sends him home in the middle of the day to have a few hours to call his daughter at a time when she's not supposed to be sleeping.
So that's how it happens that he hasn't even been at HPD for an hour and he's already getting back in the camaro and driving toward home. Except its absolutely beautiful outside, just like it always fucking is, and his airless shithole apartment is the last place he wants to be. He doesn't want to be caged in right now, he wants to talk to his beautiful perfect daughter and look at the endlessly blue sky, wants to have a fucking Fievel moment with his baby girl. Wants the connection of knowing that they're still under the same sky even if they're so fucking far apart that she might as well be on another planet. But she's not. She's in New Jersey with his Mom and his Pop and his sisters and his insanely large clan of a family, she's with nearly everyone that shares his bloodline but him. And fuck if that isn't comforting and so fucking painful at the same time.
And so he drives past the turn to his little piece of shithole paradise and points himself in the direction of the one place he's been avoiding these past weeks. He's been avoiding it to keep up that damn image, to cut himself off cold turkey, maybe even to punish himself for fucking up so severely. Because if he'd been there, if he hadn't left Steve alone that night, he knows, he fucking knows that he is possibly the only person left on the fucking planet that could have stopped McGarrett from going apeshit. And that power, that knowledge makes him so damn guilty that he let Steve down when he needed him most. But Danny's at the point where even the guilt can't make him stay away from the place he most wants to be right now.
Kamekona and his band of familial cronies have been doing the upkeep on the McGarrett household keeping it open, aired out, ready for Steve to come home at any moment. So Danny sends a quick text telling him that's he's got today covered. The reply is immediate, bout time, brah. Danny reads the text as he uses the key that's been on his ring for months now, punches in the code that he knows better than Steve himself, and finally breathes in at least a little of what he's been missing. He wonders when everyone got so much smarter than him. Maybe they always were.
The first coherent thought that enters Danny's mind once he's settled in his chair on the lanai, feet in the sand, tie gone, button down open, is that's he's really fucking tired of every single emotion he feels being edged with pain and guilt. Because being in Steve's house makes him feel simultaneously warmer and more hollow. Like the edges of the Steve shaped hole inside him are a little less defined, but somehow simultaneously deeper. It's the same way he feels when he talks to Gracie. And every other damn emotion from the accompanying elation and guilt of seeing Kono walk out of that damn cell to watching the pain fly through Chin's eyes every time his eyes are drawn to the empty spot on her hip.
So Danny follows his orders and calls up his daughter and catches her helping his Ma fix dinner. He asks her to go sit on the back porch, closes his eyes and pictures every turn and doorframe she passes through. For the first half hour, Danny barely has to say a word, just keeps his eyes closed and lets his daughter's adventures wash over him. Hears about his nephews and nieces who are now out of school, about the city and the zoo and plans to go to the shore together.
He knows she'll be constantly comparing it to the patch of sand he'd see if he opened his eyes right now. Knows that as much as he claims to be a lover of the Atlantic, it'll never compare to the memories of Kono and Chin and Steve teaching his baby girl to surf. He pictures their last team cook out. His baby girl grinning like he'd given her the world when he immediately let her run out into the surf to join Kono. Chin right behind them both, looking more at ease than Danny's ever seen him since IA refused his claims and the pain of years of hiding started to ease.
And then his way too smart baby girl turns her investigative skills on him. He tells her the good news about Kono, about her spending her first six hours out from behind bars in the ocean. About him taking a short reprieve and watching her for a couple hours just to convince himself that this small piece of the world is right again. He talks about seeing Chin smile again and how Kamekona asks about her every time he sees him. Skirts around things he can't put into age appropriate words like how much it hurts that he can't see, touch, know that she and Steve are both safe and whole. Refuses to ask after Rachel, afraid he'll ask leading questions about cravings and give everything away. Confesses that he doesn't know when he'll be able to come out and see the clan. Doesn't know when he'll, they'll be able to get Uncle Steve out. Tells her that Danno loves her and hears everything she's not saying.
Hears her holding back from asking questions that she can tell even without seeing him will hurt more than help. She tells him to remember to eat his vegetables and to take care of himself and to tell Uncle Chin that she loves and misses him and for Aunt Kono to expect her call. She pauses then and he can almost hear her gathering up her courage before she tells him to take care of Uncle Steve. His baby girl tells him that she misses him but that she understands that Uncle Steve needs him, needs him to keep him safe and make him smile and teach him how to make food and life fun. Asks quietly, like its something she's not allowed, if her Danno will give Steve a hug from her next time he sees him. And he can tell from her wording that he never needed to tell her, that she fucking knows that he hasn't seen him, has heard his silences loud and clear. So, even if his voice cracks, he promises that he will, plays along with the charade, tells her again to remember that Danno loves her. Adds on a whim that her ohana loves and misses her, too. Asks her to tell his Ma and Pop that he'll call them soon. Says I love you one last time before he ends the call, before he breaks down.
But he doesn't, Danny holds it together, concentrates on the sand under his feet, the smell of the ocean, the presence of Steve's home and Steve's things. Takes in the familiar lay out as he slowly makes his way into the kitchen, takes a Longboard that still resides in the fridge and makes his way back out to what he considers his chair on the lanai. He opens the bottle, takes a long swallow and lets the nostalgia brought on by this place and this beer and the man who should be sitting next to him break over him. Lets his mind fill in the image – Steve leaning back, shirt already stupidly off as Danny watches his throat in his peripheral vision as he takes his first necessary inhalation of alcohol after a hard day. He can see Steve turn to him and smile that goofy, relaxed smile that says hey brah, we did it again, who the fuck would've guessed it. And depending on the day that led them to this moment, Danny would either launch into a spirited explanation of why the fuck they did make it and it is certainly no thanks to your fucking moronic ways or he might just grin back. He might let the turn of his lips say you know I didn't, but what the hell man, I'm glad we did without saying a word.