Since I got so many reviews, I decided to give you guys a second chapter today!
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Dear Remus,
My exam results are coming out soon and I'm really scared! Also, do you think you'll ever get married and have kids?
Thanks!
Mini Luna :D
Dear Mini Luna,
Exam results are always something I get nervous about. I actually have O.W.L.s coming up, I just hope that I have studied hard enough to pass them!
Who worries about O.W.L.s?
Not you, apparently. Even McGonagall herself said that you and Prongs are "exceptionally bright".
Would I ever get married and have children? With the certain situation I'm in, having biological kids would be... highly improbable.
Why? You sterile?
No, you git.
However, if the person I currently fancy likes me back, we might date a while and see how the whole thing turns out.
Who do you fancy? My two-year-old second cousin?
I don't have a clue who your cousin is, and I'm not into people younger than me. I fancy someone my own age, thank you.
You gave me another hint! Ha!
Oh, goody.
Sincerely,
Remus
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Dear Remus (and Sirius, I guess),
I'm in my fourth year of Hogwarts - Gryffindor- and I've peeved Moldybutt (a.k.a Voldemort) off and now he's out to kill me. Because of this, I'm not allowed to go to Hogsmeade. I really, REALLY want to go to Hogsmeade; in all the other years I couldn't go because my forms weren't signed...What should I do? Should I risk it?
And, also, my friends are now ignoring me because of Moldybutt (they think, because they're friends with me, they're going to get killed). Only ONE person talks to me now, while others look at me like I'm dead meat. What should I do?
P.S. Love your marauding work - though, you shouldn't be so cruel...
L98N
Dear L98N,
You should trust the teachers and not go in Hogsmeade. Adults know more than we do and-
Who gives a damn what the teachers say? If you've pissed off old Moldyshorts enough, then you should be able to defend yourself against him. He's just some arse pretending to be powerful anyways. Meet me later and I'll show you how to get into Hogsmeade through several different passageways!
Don't snatch my letters!
Don't listen to Sirius!
I don't know what to say about your friends. Thankfully, my friends have always stuck by me, no matter what risks there are to hanging around me.
I would die for you, Moony.
See?
This obviously goes to show that the single person talking to you now is your true friend. True friends stick with each other to the end.
About our maraudering; the only person we truly hate is Dinky-Slimy-Snivellus. He's a slimy git and deserves it.
James and Sirius have a logic all their own.
Sincerely,
Remus
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Dear Remus:
Why do the Marauders (Mr. Prongs and Mr. Padfoot in particular) feel the need to gang up on Severus Snape? Of course, personally, I believe that all of this bullying is simply pushing Mr. Snape into the Dark Arts, as known from his last conversation with one Lily Evans. In particular, are the teachers that lax that they allow this to continue? Why don't they keep their mistreatment to simply redecorating the Slytherin common room?
Yours,
R2-D2106
Dear R2-D2106,
I will let Sirius do the justifying of his actions.
There are many reasons why I hate Snivellus. For one, he's a Slytherin. Look at my entire family; you'll see that the only decent ones (besides me) are the ones that got sorted into Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw (as I was the first in Gryffindor).
Another thing is; he's replaced me. Before Hogwarts, I was the one Regulus followed, looked up to, asked for advice from. Now it's that stupid slime ball. He stole my brother; can't you understand that?
The reason James first joined in the bullying was simply because Sirius did it. However, in third year, hormones kicked in and he started to fancy one Miss Lily Evans. He thought that Snape and her were in some kind of relationship, so he started to hate Snape for it.
I do believe, however, that it is more Snape's family situation, rather than Sirius and James, pushing him into the Dark Arts. His mother has barely enough money to take care of herself, let alone a son going to Hogwarts. Besides that, he's in Slytherin. When we were first years, he started hanging out with Lucius Malfoy, who was a fifth year at the time. He's graduated now, of course, but-
He's marrying my cousin Narcissa in a couple of months. I have to be related to that prick.
No doubt you're excited.
The teachers do not allow it to go unpunished. All this year, James and Sirius have had a detention almost every other night, and Sirius got kicked off the Quidditch team. Why they aren't expelled? Because half of the time it's Snape that starts it.
Redecorating the Slytherin common room targets all of the Slytherins. However, most of the time it's usually only Snape they want to get. That's why they don't keep it at that, I'm sure.
Sincerely,
Remus
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Dear Remus,
I'm in love with my best friend, but he doesn't seem to notice...what do you think I should do? should I tell him? I'm too scared that it would ruin our friendship but I can't ignore the way I feel anymore... I'm going insane.
yours, moon12345
Dear moon12345,
Yes, well... I can... sympathize with you.
Why can you sympathize with them, Remy?
Don't. Call. Me. Remy.
Are you in love with James?
No.
If you really can't ignore your feelings anymore, I suggest you try to casually bring up the subject of dating in a conversation. He might even ask you out.
Best wishes!
Sincerely,
Remus
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Dear Remus,
Do you know where the bloody hell Prongs put the DADA book? He said it was in the Gryffindor room and I can't seem to find it...
Oh, and apparently, you have a date?
With who?
Unless Padfoot was lying...
-Feathers
Dear Feathers,
I don't know what the hell Prongs does with any of the school supplies he owns or the books he borrows from the library.
I think that may have been the one we charmed to bite Slytherins, and then put it in the Slytherin common room.
Great.
Padfoot was partially lying. There are these twins who have been eyeing me in the library for a while, and Sirius asked one of them out on a date. He told the other one I would go with her; I had absolutely NO SAY in it, whatsoever. Like I said, I fancy someone right now.
I just think you need to get out more, Moony!
I really don't need your help, Padfoot.
Sincerely,
Remus
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Dear Remus,
If I gave you twenty dollars to slap a chipmunk, would you do it?
Sincerely,
•RaNdOm PeRsOn•
Dear RaNdOm PeRsOn,
Twenty American muggle dollars, huh? You do realize that's only a little over one galleon? Besides, where the bloody hell would I find a chipmunk to slap. Now, I might slap those obnoxious chipmunks that are in those muggle films. Oh Godric, my poor ears.
I've never heard of those chipmunks!
Of course you haven't; you're a pureblood.
Are their voices really that bad? If so, maybe Prongs and I could charm the Slytherins to talk like that for a week!
These letters are giving you too many prank ideas.
Sincerely,
Remus
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Dear Remus,
Have you seen Bambi's mom lately?
Sincerely,
Person Who Just Watched AVPS
Dear Person Who Just Watched AVPS,
If by Bambi, do you mean the deer in the muggle animated film? If so, then, no.
I have a new nickname for Prongs!
Oh, joy.
Sincerely,
Remus
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Dear sirius and Remus,
Do you guys have a favorite type of pie? Mine is BANANA CREAM PIE. (lol) no, its actually chocolate pudding filled pie..mmmmmm
From,
Chocolate covered stalker
Dear Chocalate covered stalker,
What's with Moony's name being capitalized and mine not? Do you hate me or something?
I'm sure it was just a mistake, Sirius.
Well I'm sure that there's some kind of conspiracy going on here! Aliens are about to invade, and when they do, the British will be the first to go!
Okay...
My favorite kind is chocolate pudding filled pie, just like yours.
I like apple!
Did they ask you?
In fact, they did!
That's it! No more questions for Sirius!
Sincerely,
Remus
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Dear Remus ( and Sirius if he's there),
What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to Prongs? And what do you think was the funniest thing Lily has ever done to Prongs after he has asked her out? What was the funniest pickup line Sirius has ever recommended he use, and did he actually use it?
Sincerely,
IceBlueCrystal
P.S. I love your advice column though sometimes I wonder why you even let Sirius add his comments.
Dear IceBlueCrystal,
He's bloody well here.
And loving it!
What are you? McDonald's?
Huh?
Muggle reference. Nevermind.
There was that one time Lily used a charm that turned him into a girl for a week. The charm just so happened to make it that week.
I remember that! That was bloody hilarious; and a week of hell. Who knew having a female best friend would be so difficult? I mean, the mood swings were ridiculous!
We've heard enough, Sirius.
The funniest thing happened once when I told him a pick up line. It was "I dunno about pie, but you make my banana cream." He mixed up banana and pie, though, so... well, you can just guess what Lily's reaction was!
I remember that. It was the most humorous thing that ever happened between those two. Including him singing, "Your Love is My Drug" by that American muggle singer Kesha to her, after he heard it one the muggle radio at my house.
He doesn't let me add my comments! He want's to take this whole bloody thing to be"serious". Of course, I had to Marauder it up a bit and make it "Sirius".
That is the worse pun known to mankind.
Sincerely,
Remus
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Dear Remus (and Sirius; he'll answer anyways),
I'm back. Mwahahaha. xD Glad to know you "enjoyed" the fanfiction. Try a lemon. Remus, nothing really made me think you guys are gay or bi. I was just wondering and thought you two would look good together. And you're welcome Sirius. You two are both sexy. ;P That better?
Actual question time: Do you want to know the future? I know some things that might be of interest to you. And would you two ever date eachother?
~That one person
P.S. Sirius, Remus is a liar. He has dreams like that about you all the time. xP
Dear that one person,
What the bloody hell do you mean by "lemon". I've eaten lemons before, and even those weird muggle sweet things called lemon... lemon... damn! I don't remember what they're called.
They're called lemon drops. And, Sirius, the lemon she is refering to is, basically, written porn.
REALLY? Let's read one!
She means between you and I.
Oh...
I'm super sexy! I already knew that!
Thank you for boosting his ego. It'll be as big as James' soon enough.
Remus is sexy, too!
W-what? Why do you say that?
Because I'm your friend, and I'm just nice like that.
Right.
Knowing the future would be awesome! That way I wouldn't have make up stuff in Divination. Speaking of which, the crazed professor in there told me to "beware of drapery". What the hell does she mean by that?
I don't know. I took Ancient Runes instead, remember?
Now on to the next question!
Wh-what? D-date Sirius?
Look what you've gone and done! Remus is all stuttery now! What's the question anyway?
Date Remus? Um...
Er...
Next letter!
Sincerely,
Remus and Sirius
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Dear Remus,
Do you like Puns? Because I like them. Puns I mean... I like them very much. They make me giggle. I'm SIRIUS... and I'm not LUPIN! hahahaa... geddit? I am also quite fond of Double entendres... Do you like Double entendres? I heard a great one about wands and potions the other day... I wonder if you've heard it?
Love From,
imSiriuslyLupin4you
Dear imSiriuslyLupin4you,
Apparently your name is pun. I hate Sirius' puns; Merlin, he's always punning his name.
Maybe I do it because I like to.
No shite, Sherlock.
Did you have to mention double entendres? Sirius happens to use those all the bloody time! I have yet to hear the one you've mentioned, though. I doubt I want to hear it.
C'mon Moony, you know you want me.
As if.
You're blushing!
I am not!
Sincerely,
Remus
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Dear Remus,
Do you like bunnies? They're very furry and small. Almost like cats and dogs, but they're so relaxed and laid back. I also like turtles.
Sincerely,
Curious Girl
Dear Curious Girl,
Bunnies are okay, for the most part.
Except for your "furry little problem".
That's not funny.
Yes it is.
I'm serious, It's not.
No, I'm Sirius. You're Remus, remember?
Why did that other Sirius Lupin person have to bring up puns?
You know you want me to be Sirius Lupin.
Shut up.
I prefer turtles to bunnies, though they can carry dangerous germs, such as salmonella.
I should get my mother a turtle for her birthday!
You're gonna go to jail for murder, one day.
Sincerely,
Remus
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