So here we are now discussing the tale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

How did she manage to have the patience to put up with seven men? Lord knows women these days can only put up with ONE. How did she keep the apple in her mouth for so long? And how in the hell did she manage to seduce her prince whose name I cannot think of at this moment after being asleep for all those years and consequently not keeping up on the latest fashion trends??? Or was the guy just too desperate? Or...something ELSE? DUN DUN DUN...

There is nothing more I love to do than expose what really happened in the fairy tales. I swear, those Americans, they lie left and right to make their children believe that there is such a thing as true love and a happily ever after and that the two counterparts of that relationship did not, in fact, come from violent families or were not in an abusive or sadomasochistic relationship during or before they met each other. (S&M, sadomasochism or whatever it's called. I can't be bothered to look it up right now.) And then the kids grow up, believe all the BS their parents fed them, and then look where they get! They get divorced! Seriously, isn't the rate of divorces in America like, 50 percent or something like that?

So anyway, let me tell you the American version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves if you do not know it already:

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a wicked stepmother. (You don't see wicked stepfathers in here, I wonder why??? I mean that in the best of ways.) Well, alright, this girl's mother had died right after wishing for her to have rosy lips, fair skin, and dark hair. Hence the stepmother. The stepmother didn't like the girl, Snow White, so she booted her right out of the house. Just like that. A no nonsense type of woman. That's my kind of girl right there. Now only if she was a bit shorter and not so evil looking....

So anyway, Snow White ran and ran through the bitter dark forest (hell, it was probably light and they were making a major exaggeration) until she came to a dear little cottage which she went into. Haven't these people heard of locks? Seriously. So she went to sleep on one of the seven beds (she could have gotten herpes from that bed, and it would have served her right if she had!) and the seven little dwarves that owned the cottage came home and found her. Hell, if I'd found her in my bed, I'd have called Byakuya over to eat her for trespassing. He's very anal about trespassing, that Byakuya.

Right. So then the dwarves ask her to do their chores for them, and lo and behold, she does it! Why? I don't know, my best friend forever Jill? Right. But then a witch comes and feeds her a poison apple one day while the dwarves were out at work. Snow White never actually swallowed the poison apple, making this story grammatically incorrect because most poisons need to be ingested to actually have an effect. But no. Apparently that witch had some access to Mayuri's secret stock of deadly poisons or whatever, because when Snow White took a bite she just up and died on the floor.

So the dwarves made a coffin for her and set her in the middle of the woods and they mourned. One day her prince came, let's call him Prince...um...James and saw her. He thought that she deserved a proper burial. So he and the seven dwarves began to move the coffin to a place that would make a good burial spot. They apparently didn't know how to carry a coffin without jolting it and the person inside, because they jolted her and miraculously her mouth flew open, the apple came popping back out, and she was alive again! Like The Grudge, but not!

So Prince James and Snow White rode off on his white horse (poor thing, it probably gets abused all the time at home) to his shining castle in the sunset.

SO NOT what happened.

The real story of Snow White and Prince James is actually a happy version of Nel Tu's and Nnoitora's vicious relationship with each other. If you do not know who Nel Tu or Nnoitra is, then you should look them up. I am not a dictionary and consequently will not take the time to explain them to you.

Nel Tu, or Nel, for short, was a very disobedient little girl with a passion for torturing small animals. Her mother, being an environmentalist and a person who desperately wanted to stop panda poaching, tried to get Nel to stop this by sending her to Saddening Happenings Including Trauma, or SHIT. But of course Nel just had a psychotic issue and could not stop, so her mother kicked her out of the house.

She wept for a while after killing off a few animals, then ran away to join Aizen's army of Espada, who made her number three and made her cook and clean and do all their chores for them. Grimmjow especially. He was never one to not take advantage of free labor. So anyway, one day Aizen and Gin and all the rest of the Espada were out, and Nnoitra was the only one remaining in Hueco Mundo, besides Nel. Being the gullible little bitch that she was, she thought that him giving her an apple was like a proposal, so she said, "Oh, of course I'll eat this apple, Nnoitra! I want to be your eternal slave!"

Okay. It wasn't exactly like that, but you get my point.

So she ate it, and inside it there was a poison thingy that made her get amnesia. It did not make her die, mind you, it just made her forget who she was and so as a consequence she morphed back and forth between her adult self and child self. Her adult self was...not sexless, far from it, because Kubo Tite does not know how to draw girls with small boobs, and her child self vomited a lot; she thought her vomit was spit, but it actually was vomit that had some form of healing powers to them.

So anyway, she got amnesia, which allowed Nnoitora to take over her position at Hueco Mundo as number three instead of number five. But then, being the sad and depressed emotional sexually frustrated sob that he was, he suddenly had a sexual foray with her in her adult form without remembering that he had been the one to poison her in the first place, and he made her amnesia go away. This caused her to get all pissed off at him because she remembered what he had done to her, but of course she still firmly believed in male chavinism for some reason, which is the sexist belief that males are stronger than females, both intellectually and powerwise, so she was left to his mercy. Then Kenpachi came, and killed Nnoitra. And Nel lives on.

So anyway, that right there is the true story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, or should I say Nnoitra and Nel Tu? Honestly now, that is the real version of Snow White. A few things that I think Nel could have done better would be to have attended the SHIT meetings, because it does not appear that that organization actually teaches shit and the fine arts of it...and perhaps Nnoitra could be less of a male chauvinist. I think he was gay anyway. With...Stark.

Up next: Cinderella. Were the animals that she was friends with hallucinations because she was on marijuana? Why didn't the fragile glass slippers break when she was running away from the ball? And how, oh how oh how did the animals have enough brain capacity to help her in her locked in state by bringing her the keys?!

NO FLAMES! OR I WILL MAKE NNOITRA HAVE A SEXUAL FORAY WITH YOU AND YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT! (best flame ever =D)

But feel free to review. They are always appreciated!