A/N: as ever, more than ever, you can thank Twanza for any bits of beauty you find below. She's magic.
You can thank me for made up words, redundant adjectives and random commas.
And I can thank all of you for reading, and especially JasperLuver48 for her lovely review on the Jasper Darlins blog.
o o o
The summer she turned thirteen Bella came late to Forks, having had to wait to leave until after a fourth of July party her mother insisted she attend. Renee had a new boyfriend who was some kind of hot shot local politician and it was imperative that everyone should see just how presentable, lovely, and accomplished Bella was - since a presentable, lovely, and accomplished child made her status as a divorcee almost acceptable in the eyes of the Dwyer clan.
So Bella put on the expensive skirt and blouse her mother had bought her, brushed her hair carefully, and solemnly swore she would smile all evening and not frown or chew her nails, not even once. As luck would have it her swimming coach was a good friend of Phil Dwyer, and had the good grace of extolling her virtues as a talented swimmer and model student - the former absolutely true, the latter a somewhat liberal interpretation of reality - to all who would listen. Bella blushed at all the right people, Renee beamed, and the evening was deemed a success.
When Renee took Bella to the airport the next day, she hugged her a bit harder than usual.
"Thank you, baby. You were wonderful. I love you so," and Bella was happy to see her mother so content and full of hope, even though she couldn't fully prevent her happiness from being tinged with a slight bitterness at what still felt like a betrayal of her father.
o o o
"Hey, Bella Boo. Nice flight?"
Charlie's smile was still there, still dimpled, still honest- but his eyes didn't sparkle like they usually did and his hug was a little limp round her shoulders. He looked sad, and so much older than Bella remembered him.
Alarmed, she set out to collect clues on the reasons behind his behavior, but could find no immediate evidence in the house - still tidy, still somewhat empty - when she finally got there. Her dad still looked the same, still talked the same, and still ruffled her hair to drive her crazy. He was still the same, yet somehow more tired, more distant: it took him a beat too long to answer her questions, and his jokes felt rehearsed and fell uncharacteristically flat.
She was impatient to go out and see Seth and Edward - they had called Charlie's cell within minutes of them getting in the car - but she stayed home that night, had dinner with her dad, watched TV and made him laugh as she teased him for his new found love of sports and his sudden North Western allegiances.
"The Mariners dad? Really? What next, the Sonics? Oh, wait - even they've flounced Seattle!"
Charlie chuckled and pulled her into a hug that finally felt a little genuine.
"C'mon, Bella. Go call those Cullen boys. I bet they're dying to hear from you."
Bella hesitated.
"They're okay, dad. It's not like we speak all the time anyway, you know?" She tried to play it cool, not wanting to show her dad just how badly she wanted to get away.
"Oh Bella, trust me, I know. I know all about Facebook and email and text messages." Bella blushed at her father's knowledge. She guessed he and Carlisle talked about more than just fishing. "I also know that they've been riding their bikes down here every day just in case you'd changed your plans and had suddenly showed up early. So please, go make that call and put them out of their misery."
She rolled her eyes but got up anyway, grabbing the cordless on her way to her room. Spread out on her purple comforter - how to tell Charlie that she was so over purple? - she dialed the familiar number. She grinned from ear to ear when she heard Edward's deeper, but still warm voice, and Seth's excited yelling behind him. She promised she'd be there tomorrow morning at ten, and fell asleep relieved and happy.
o o o
Charlie stopped by her room on his way to bed. He opened her door softly, feeling unsure whether that was still okay or whether he should start to be more wary of his daughter's privacy, yet compelled to check on her as he used to do when she was a toddler; he took in her sleeping form and stood still, observing her for a long time, grateful for her peace and serenity, and secretly envious of it.
o o o
Bella and the twins fell back easily into their companionship. Bella's enthusiasm for the outdoors, her love of rain, and mud, and greenery, which they could not really comprehend as it was all they knew, was nonetheless contagious and they let themselves be led by her on ever more adventurous hikes and rides.
That summer they added music to the mix of bike riding, endless card games, and Playstation. Carlisle had bought Edward a guitar, and Bella, while not a very musical person, was only too happy to show him the basics she'd picked up during her now abandoned weekly afterschool lessons. It didn't take long for Edward to learn and soon he was obsessed with it in a way that he had never been with the piano, despite a proficiency closely bordering on virtuosity. He carried the instrument everywhere he went, strapped to his back whenever he walked or rode anywhere; he played in his room, in the basement, out in the garden; he played for his siblings and his parents, and he played for Bella.
But most of all, he played for himself, in a little-known meadow he had discovered earlier in the year one day when Seth was home with the flu. He kept his newfound craving for solitude a secret, surprised and somewhat ashamed of this sudden need to be by himself. He was still with Bella and Seth, still one third of the whole, but he relished the desire to be apart, drawn into a world that was as mysterious and fascinating to him as it was non-existent to his two companions.
o o o
Charlie was working harder than usual; he was gone a lot and dog tired the rest of the time. Although it was not something he would ever share with his daughter, he'd had trouble at work the previous winter, a falling out with the Chief of Staff over dealings with a pharmaceutical rep, which had been smoothed over only thanks to Carlisle's intervention. Charlie had kept his job, but the payback had been the need to prove himself all over again, to put in long hours and cover unsociable shifts. He did his best to be there for his daughter over the few weeks she was there, but there was no hiding his exhaustion.
And so it was that, when Esme called him one Thursday night at the end of July with an unexpected proposal, he found it almost impossible to refuse.
"Charlie, hey." Her voice was smooth and warm, and he was surprised once again by just how easy it was to like Esme. "Long time no speak, how are you?"
"Hey Esme, I'm good. Same old, same old... Bella not giving you too much trouble, is she?"
He couldn't immediately place the reason for her unusually guarded tone, and so naturally feared the worst.
"Oh, Charlie, Bella is wonderful! You know we love her so much, and she's no trouble at all." Esme paused for just a second. "None at all, really."
"Well, I'm glad... and thanks, Esme. It means a lot to me that you are so welcoming, and that she and your boys are so close." Not for the first time, Charlie wondered whether Bella was so attracted to the Cullens because of her need for normality and for family life, and the pain and guilt of his failed marriage reared its head. "But what's up?"
Esme hesitated - she was friendly with Charlie, and she hadn't lied about loving Bella, but still, she felt the request she was about to make would surprise him and she wasn't sure he would accept.
"So Charlie, listen. We're going on a camping trip next week - for a few days, down in Oregon. We were wondering if Bella would like to come with us."
The line went silent for a long moment, and Esme worried she'd overstepped her mark.
"I mean, Charlie, I get that this is your time with her, trust me," her voice picked up in intensity and urgency, "so perhaps I shouldn't have asked - but the boys would love her to come, you know? They have such an amazing time together - and Carlisle and I, too, of course - we'd take excellent care of her."
"Well, I don't know." Charlie faltered, somewhat embarrassed, unsure of what he should say. He felt vaguely ridiculous about having to have this conversation, out of his depth somehow. "I mean, I know they're kids and they're friends and of course I trust you and Carlisle but..." He let the sentence trail, hoping Esme would pick up the clues so he wouldn't have to spell out exactly what his concerns were.
Thankfully, Esme was quick to understand.
"Oh, yes, I understand completely, but let me reassure you! Jasper is coming too - with his girlfriend, Alice, and of course Bella would be sharing a tent with her." Esme rushed through this speech and then let out an embarrassed little laugh. "I mean, gosh, all those boys!"
Charlie sighed.
"Okay, well, listen, I need to think about it, speak with Bella's mom I guess. But thanks. I mean, it's really generous of you." Once more, Charlie hesitated. "And Esme, are you sure?"
Esme was sure, and Carlisle was sure, and told him as much the next day at work. As for Charlie, he was really not so sure, but he talked to Bella, who implored him to let her go, and he hadn't the heart to say no. And then the thought of being able to sleep all day on Sunday and finally catch up on all those late nights sprung into his head, and so he finally called Renee to get the final seal of approval.
Bella left for Oregon in the Cullens' new and upgraded Volvo, squeezed between Edward and Seth in the backseat, and for the next eight hours they watched DVDs, slept and shared their iPod playlists.
o o o
They got to the resort late in the afternoon, the sun setting over the lake, and within minutes the three of them had rushed to the shore and dived in, racing one another to the diving platform, a race that Bella managed to win easily much to the dismay and humiliation of her friends. She'd been training progressively harder over the past year, her aptitude and determination earning her a place on the junior swim team.
They lay on the platform, panting and exhausted.
"I swear Bella, you cheated!" This was Seth's way of dealing with defeat; Edward just stared at her, unsure how to decipher the strange way Bella made him feel - small, and young, and somehow awed.
They jumped off the platform over and over again, taking turns. "Come on, Bella! Jump! Come on! I'm freezing here" - until they could no longer muster the energy to invent new twists and new names for their goofy dives.
Afterwards, they watched the sun set and waited until they saw Esme on the shore and heard her calling their names, urging them back. They shivered as their bodies slid into the chilly water, swimming back lazily, not racing this time, and driving Esme frantic with irritation and a touch of worry.
"C'mon guys! It's getting dark! Jasper's here! We need to eat!"
o o o
Jasper and Alice had arrived thirty minutes earlier, their California tans conspicuous in the cloudy family resort, their skinny jeans and vintage t-shirts making them look like trendy foreigners among the small town bootcuts and fleecy vests of their fellow campers.
Jasper hugged his parents and patted his brothers on the back; then he nodded and smiled at Bella, a gesture infused with enough familiarity to make her blush and swallow her own greeting. She hated herself for being so childish and awkward in his presence - he was just a Cullen, after all, why would she feel so self-conscious with him, when it was so easygoing and confident with his brothers and his parents?
Once dinner was over, Jasper proceeded to extract a paperback book from his pocket and sat in a corner, reading with a pocket-light; and he continued to read the same book, in the same corner, for the rest of the vacation, or at least so it seemed to Bella. Alice smiled lots and said little, and never strayed far from his side. She seemed to have a constant need to touch him, to hold his hand, to weave her fingers through his hair, seemingly oblivious to his parents' presence, her insecurity taking over any good sense she might otherwise have.
For Bella, those days were swimming and sailing and listening to Edward learn new songs while Seth threw stones onto the still surface of the lake, counting the leaps out loud. They were fishing and hiking and roasting marshmallows on open fires, boat trips with Esme and Carlisle, and getting lulled into the easy, serene rhythm of their happiness.
Bella, Edward, and Seth woke up early and never stopped moving - the clear, still lake water too much of a pull, and the miracle of five days of uninterrupted sunshine such a blessing they did not want to waste one minute of it. Their noses got red and their shoulders peeled, their bodies humming in sync with the nature all around them.
Bella was sure she'd never felt happier in her entire life.
Jasper and Alice kept to themselves. They slept until well into the morning and disappeared most of the day, driving off in Jasper's car. Bella would have given anything to know where they went. It was only late in the afternoon that they came down to the beach, walking lazily, hand in hand; and there they sat down on the pier, dangling their legs in the water. Alice never set foot in the lake, contenting herself with sitting, arms circling her knees, her huge sunglasses masking whatever thought or feeling lurked behind. Jasper, however, would eventually get up, toss his t-shirt to the side and stand tall and lean at the edge of the pier, his body a dark silhouette against the sunset, then jump in with a roar, reaching Seth or Edward and pulling them down in a playful game of aquatic wrestling.
With Jasper in their midst, the twins gravitated towards him completely, eager for any interaction they could get with their older sibling, so distant, so absent, so god-like in their eyes. Bella was forgotten, and she swam away on these occasions, hating that she felt like an intruder, and hating that it bothered her.
She swam far, and fast, not for fun or pleasure, but with the strongwill and anger she usually put into training- pushing hard until she felt her muscles burn and her heartbeat pick up. Backstroke was her weakest specialty, and so she focused on that. She closed her eyes and concentrated on making her movements as sharp and measured as Coach Banner had taught her. The world around her disappeared.
She almost screamed when she felt the water suddenly shift next to her, and realized another person was swimming only inches from her.
She abruptly came to a halt.
"Damn, Bella!" Jasper stopped, too, panting. "You're fucking fast!"
Bella caught her breath, and realized they were much further from the shore than she'd calculated. She avoided Jasper's gaze, confused at his presence, unsure of what it meant and how to behave.
"Seth dared me to catch up with you." He smirked. "I guess I didn't believe it would actually be this hard."
Bella wanted to know what they had waged, and why Seth would set his older brother up in a race with her. Indistinctly, she realized it might have something to do with her friend's desire to include her even more fully in their family life; she thought she should be grateful, and yet here she was, in the middle of a lake with Jasper Cullen, shivering with cold and exhaustion, incapable of saying a single word, and all she could think about was that, with her wet hair plastered on her head, her ears were probably sticking out by a mile each way.
"C'mon," Jasper turned to the shore, 'let's go back before it gets dark."
o o o
At night, as promised, Bella laid down to sleep in a tiny tent with Alice, while Jasper bedded down with the twins.
Esme and Carlisle's whispered conversations resonated loudly into the night.
"I'm telling you Carlisle, if something happens to that girl of Jasper's now that she's our responsibility…"
"Nothing will happen, Esme."
"Do you think we should leave our tent unzipped so we can hear?"
"Go to sleep, darling."
"I'm serious Carlisle, I can't believe you don't care!"
"Esme!"
o o o
Alice was nineteen - practically ancient in Bella's eyes. She had short black hair that, unlike her own shaggy brown bob, managed to look both stylish and ultra feminine, and wore tiny underwear in fluorescent colors and flimsy materials that barely looked like they could serve any functional purpose at all.
Looking at the older girl's string bikini, studded with sequins over her tiny breasts, Bella felt self-conscious about her body and, most of all, about her utilitarian black one piece swimsuit. She wondered whether her mother would make fun of her if she asked to buy a bikini for next summer.
Alice was desperate to please, and her interactions with the Cullens were well-meaning but artificial, her strained smile and high-pitched voice giving away and negating her effort. But above all she was desperate to please Jasper, so she took her cues from him and ignored everyone else with an imitation of his easy insouciance that felt, on her, staid and forced. Esme and Carlisle tolerated her with good manners and kindness, but privately wondered what their son could find in such a vacuous, empty little thing; Edward and Seth, for their part, chose to ignore her completely, and Bella felt that she should do the same, at least when everyone else was around.
But Bella also saw that, whenever Jasper wasn't looking, Alice was sweet and accessible, that her eyes were wide and clear when they weren't forever darting to him, fearfully seeking his approval; her voice two tones lower, almost childish, when she wasn't trying so hard to be liked. And at night, when they went to sleep, she told Bella long-winded stories about her college roommate and how much more amazing California was than Wisconsin, and about wanting to switch her major from Economics to Philosophy because she felt such a deep connection to the big questions in life.
While Alice chattered excitedly, Bella couldn't decide whether she was bored or fascinated, or maybe some weird, intoxicating combination of both.
o o o
Bella wasn't stupid, and it didn't take her long to cotton to the fact that Alice slipped out of their tent in the middle of the night to return only minutes before dawn. The first night she pretended to be asleep, but on the second one Alice saw her wide eyes looking at her as she tried to quietly slide back into her sleeping back.
"Shhhhh," she giggled, "don't tell!"
Bella quickly shut her eyes and nodded, embarrassed at having been caught.
Later, when all was still and silent, and the only noises Bella could hear were some distant birds waking up and calling each other across the woods and the water.
"Alice?" she whispered.
"Mmmh?" came back the sleepy response.
There were so many things Bella wanted to know: Where did they go at night? What did they do? Did the sound of Jasper's voice make Alice's breath catch in her throat for a second, like it sometimes did hers? Was his hair as soft as it looked, and what did it smell like? When he kissed her and touched her, was it hard and urgent like in movies, or soft and slow like in books?
But instead she asked the simplest and hardest thing of all.
"Are you... in love with Jasper?"
Bella had no idea where this question came from, but she was suddenly consumed with the need to know everything she could about love. What was it? Where did it come from? And what did it do to you? Did it change you, the way it seemed to turn Alice into a windswept weather vane? Or did it change people the way it had changed her mother, making her steadier, more grounded, eager to conform? Would it happen to her, too, and when, and what form would her change take?
Alice didn't open her eyes, and sighed deeply before answering.
"Oh, Bella." Her voice was distant in the restricted space. "You're so sweet. Love? I wouldn't really use that word." She giggled some more, and it sounded strange to the younger girl's ears. Perhaps she was missing something. Then Alice sobered up: "Maybe. I don't know. He's just... you know?"
Bella said nothing, but Alice insisted.
"You do know, don't you? I mean, the twins are cute and all, and I get it that they're your little boyfriends, but Bella... Jasper? He's a man, you know? "
And although she would never, in a million years, admit it, and she barely understood what Alice was saying, Bella thought she did, in fact, kind of know.
o o o
On the last night of their vacation Bella was woken up not by the now familiar giggles but by suffocated, broken sobs.
She sat up, worried, to find Alice curled into a ball with her fist in her mouth, trying to be quiet, tears streaming down her face.
"Alice, what's up? What's wrong? Are you hurt?"
Alice shook her head and sniffed into her pillow.
"Nothing, it's nothing. Go to sleep Bella."
But the crying continued and, led by pure instinct, she reached out to the other girl; Alice took her hand and held it tight.
She said nothing for the longest time, until the sobs finally subsided.
"Just promise me one thing, Bella," Alice's voice sounded hollow and dead, so different from their previous night time confessions. "Promise me you'll stay away from assholes like Jasper Cullen."
Bella said nothing, confused. What? Why? Only three days before Alice had been almost burning with excitement about Jasper, almost ready to admit her love for him.
"Promise me, Bella. No matter how gorgeous, how sexy, how fucking smart. No matter what they do to you or how they make you feel. Because in the end, all they care about is themselves."
Alice finally fell asleep before Bella could answer. She never got to make that promise.
o o o