It is on a sunny day that our adventure begins. On the road, an old man dressed in grey, slowly walking upon the path, staff in hand, relying on it like a crutch, even if everybody knows that he's not crippled. Gandalf the grey, the troubled-peace, the traveling danger, so many titles for one person, yet each of these titles is deserved. Gandalf observed on his way the changes which had benefited the Shire. As he approached Hobbiton, he marvelled at the ramparts. Looking back, he realised he had struggled to get into the Shire. To his great astonishment, he had been greeted by two hobbits armed to the teeth, in armour, each armed with a spear. Even greater was his surprise when he saw on the ramparts hobbits sentinels and Dunedains armed with bows. He had not thought that the Shire would change so much in just forty years. He could still remember young Bilbo Baggins, his always laughing silver eyes, and his thirst for knowledge, always running after him to learn more about the world around him. Now, seeing the changes to the Shire, he wondered if Bilbo was still the same one he had known, especially after the deaths of Belladonna and Bungo, whose burials he could not attend.
As he arrived at Hobbiton, he was once again surprised, as the village itself was surrounded by another rampart, much thicker than the one surrounding the Shire. As he walked towards Bag End, he noticed that the hobbits were still smiling, but their attire had changed. Each hobbit wore black trousers and a light-coloured silk shirt. The women wore splendid dark-coloured robes, from red to purple. Humans were also present, dressed the same way. Everywhere, soldiers, whether hobbits or Dunedains, wearing shining armour, armed for the most part with spears and swords, and each hobbit soldier with a bow and a quiver on his back.
At last he arrived at Bag End, or rather, what he remembered to be Bag End. With great shock, he took in the changes to the once much smaller smial, wondering when it had grown to take up the entire hill. It was then that he saw him, on a bench, smoking a pipe. Bilbo had changed, dressed differently from other hobbits, seeming to wear an armour that had nothing to do with that of the soldiers. He was accompanied by a ranger he knew well, Arathorn; but what was he doing here?
"Is that Gandalf that I see there, your majesty?" Whispered Arathorn in Bilbo's ear.
Bilbo turned to watch Gandalf in the distance. As he stroked absently his light golden beard, he took a deep breath of his pipe, and blew in the direction of Gandalf. The smoke then took the form of a warrior, running towards Gandalf, to crash on his hat.
It was then that Gandalf stopped in front of the two individuals, a smile on his lips.
"Do my eyes falter me? My dear Arathorn, it's been a long time. Ah, and my dear Bilbo. How you've grown!" The old wizard said.
"Gandalf, it's been a long time since I've seen you." Welcomed Arathorn.
"Indeed, it's been a long time since we've seen you here, Gandalf." Said Bilbo with smile, "What brings you to the Shire?"
"I am looking for someone to partake in an adventure." The wizard answered mysteriously, raising his hat slightly to better anchor his eyes Bilbo's.
"Ha! And I guess if you came to see me, and not elsewhere. Am I wrong?" Bilbo asked, frowning slightly. Next to him, Arathorn struggled to not laugh.
"Well, I must admit that I immediately thought of you, Bilbo. You kept asking me to tell you more about the world, and I thought an adventure would be perfect for you."
"All right, I will listen to what you have to say. So, what does this adventure consist of?"
Arathorn was slightly shocked by Bilbo's response, not expecting him to be ready to listen to Gandalf's ranting's, but he remained silent for his king.
"I must admit I do not have enough time to talk about it, but I will love to discuss it around a good meal. Tonight, would it be possible?" Said Gandalf, an amused gleam in his eyes.
"Well, I suppose so. I'll wait for you tonight. I advise you to go through the bottom door, more suitable for your size." Smiled Bilbo.
"Well, it will be very good for you, and most amusing for me. Expect our company tonight." The magician exclaimed, turning to leave immediately, leaving Arathorn and Bilbo speechless.
Bilbo then turned to Arathorn.
"Is it me, or did he say our company?"
"Uh ... it's not just you." Replied the General, a drop of sweat running down his temple.
A short time later, a soldier ran to Arathorn, handing him a parchment then left immediately. Arathorn began to read it, then spoke.
"It seems that thirteen dwarves have arrived in the Kingdom, and that they have settled at the Green Dragon."
Bilbo looked thoughtful, muttering, "I'm sure they're in cahoots with this crazy old man. At least now we know the identity of 'our company'."
Suddenly Bilbo rose and went to his palace, ordering the guards to drive the dwarves straight into the banquet hall, if they came to the palace. He took the opportunity to order the servants to prepare a feast, suspecting that as many dwarves, it must consume large quantities of food.
Then the palace staff was driven to a frenzy, the cooks bending over backwards to prepare a feast worthy of their king. On occasion, Bilbo asked that the best wine and the best beer be brought. Barrels of Dorwynion wine, and casks of the Took's special beer were then brought into the banquet hall. All too soon, the hours had passed, and the dwarves headed one by one to the smial.
Dwalin was the first to arrive at the palace. Since his arrival in the Shire, he hadn't ceased to be surprised. He could see soldiers, patrols, ramparts, watchtowers ... while it was said that the Hobbits were a peaceful people who knew nothing of war, it certainly didn't seem so. Slowly, approaching the Palace, he began to doubt what Gandalf had said. Why in Mahal's name would a burglar live in the biggest smial of the whole city, guarded by soldiers in armour, not only hobbits, but also men. He shook himself from his thoughts when he found himself facing the guards.
"I was told that I am expected. I am sent by Gandalf." He said with a strong voice.
"I see, you must be one of the dwarf his ma ... Master Bilbo is expecting." Said the guard.
What did he want to say before Master? Wondered the dwarf.
"Follow me, I will take you to the banquet hall." The guard said, motioning for Dwalin to follow him.
Upon entering the Palace, Dwalin was flabbergasted. The place was huge; walls engraved, not in wood, but in stone, covered with tapestries and paintings. The further he went, the more he noticed valuable, luxury items, some, once sold, would undoubtedly feed the entirety of Ered Luin for at least the whole winter.
It was then that he arrived in a large room with a huge table in his centre surrounded by thirty chairs. The table was solid oak, carved with care, representing scenes that he supposed to be in the history of the Shire. At the end of the table, a chair that looked like a throne, probably for the master of the place. He watched carefully, noting the midnight blue tapestries covering every wall, trinkets right and left, seemingly filling the room beyond reason, probably to decorate. The place was beautiful, filled with trinkets, gold candlesticks, and even a chandelier in the centre of the room, lighting up every corner. It was then that Dwalin wondered what mess he had gotten in, and especially who this damn magician had invited with them. In any case, it was certainly not a simple Burglar, or if so, the best there was, to be able to afford such luxury.
Suddenly the doors opened behind him, and he saw Balin come in, accompanied by a guard, who immediately left.
"Brother!" Balin approached, banging his head with Dwalin's.
"By my beard, you are shorter and wider than last we met." Dwalin answered teasingly.
"Wider, not shorter! And sharp enough for both of us!" Exclaimed the old dwarf, a smile on his face.
Finally, Balin began to observe the places.
"Are we really in the right place?" He asked.
"It would seem so, the guard at the entrance told me we were expected."
Then domestic workers entered the room, laying on the table cups as well as appetizer trays. One of them came forward, dressed entirely in black, with a gold chain on the jacket with the seal of the royal family.
"My master apologizes for being late. He welcomes you, and enjoins you to enjoy the hors d'oeuvres. It is with pleasure that we will fill your cups, be it beer or wine." Then he snapped his fingers, and a servant came up with a tray filled with beer mugs.
The two brothers did not hesitate to serve themselves, enjoying the beer of good quality served.
"If you need anything else, please do not hesitate to ask." Exclaimed the servant, then he stepped back to stand near the fireplace, just behind the throne.
Balin still asked a question.
"Excuse me, but I wish to know if we are at Master Baggins house?"
The butler smiled at him then, and he answered.
"Indeed, you are well in the home of his lordship, my master, Bilbo Baggins Took."
"Thank you, at least we are in the right place." Replied Balin.
Dwalin stiffened then said quickly.
"His lordship? Wait, does that mean that this master Baggins is a lord? By Mahal, I do not know what this magician is playing at, but he's going to hear me!"
Balin could only nod. Once again, the main doors opened, and Fili and Kili made their entrance.
"Mr Dwalin! Mr Balin!" Both exclaimed, almost throwing themselves on the two older dwarves.
"Fili! Kili! It is in your best interest to behave, it seems that the magician did not tell us everything, and that we are in a lord's house! I will not hesitate to charge you during training if you misbehave." Dwalin almost yelled, distrustful of the two angel-looking demons in front of him.
"He is right. It seems that Master Baggins is someone very important. I hope that my lessons have remained in your minds; we will need them." Balin added, looking slightly worried by the development of the situation.
"No problem, we will behave." Fili replied.
"Yeah, he's right, we'll behave. Promise!" Kili could not help but add.
While they were chatting cheerfully, eating hors-d'oeuvres and drinking beer, the other dwarves of the company arrived. Dwalin quickly got close to Nori, deciding to keep an eye on the thief, before he could create a diplomatic incident. Ori walked near a small shelf near the fireplace which seemed to contain a few books. Dori was pleased to taste the wine offered by the servants, with Gandalf. The magician is still stunned by all the wealth present in the smial, unrecognizable. Bifur and Bofur threw themselves on the beer together, while Bombur and Oin did the same with the hors d'oeuvres. Finally, Gloin enjoyed the surrounding objects, admiring the luxury surrounding him, as a former banker, he knew how to estimate wealth, and he easily guessed that whoever lived here was bound to be someone of great importance.
At the end of thirty minutes, after the hors-d'oeuvres had all been consumed, the servants entered the room again, bringing with them dishes, filled with grilled pork, cheese pies, stew, canapés and many other dishes. The table was then completely covered, and dwarves could only watch this dance servants dropping one after another the more extravagant dishes they ever saw. Gandalf had a smirk all the way, as if he knew what was going to happen. Shortly after, twelve servants went each behind a chair.
It was then that the doors opened wide, and Bilbo made his entrance. He had traded his armour for a beautiful elven silk robe offered by Elrond. It was midnight blue, a splendid gold dragon embroidered on the back, embroidered runes on the sleeves and the front. The dress was held by a black silk belt and a thin silver rope. For the occasion, Bilbo was completely barefoot, enjoying the feeling of the floor mats. As he advanced slowly, his eyes fixed and decided, the dwarves could not help but gape, being hypnotized by the individual standing before them. (The dress is a kimono /images/I/51kCAqITipL._SY450_.jpg )
Bilbo then went to his throne, which was slightly pulled by the butler, then he sat in front of his seat.
"I apologize for being late, important business had held me back." He exclaimed with a slight smile. In no case could the dwarves know that it was entirely false, and that he was just waiting for all of them to arrive, well, almost all of them. He did not want to wait for the last dwarf.
"Ha! What bad manners, let me introduce myself. I'm Bilbo Baggins Took."
One by one, the dwarves introduced themselves, from the oldest to the youngest. Following this, Bilbo invited them to sit down. On his right was placed Gandalf, while a free seat remained on his left.
"Do not worry, the food is not poisoned. Eat then, and do not deprive yourself." Then, without further ado, Bilbo began to eat, his plate filled up continuously by his butler, while his cup of wine was never empty.
"Master Baggins, may I ask you an indiscreet question?" Balin asked.
Bilbo nodded, then focused on the old dwarf.
"I thought I heard you're a lord, is that true?"
Bilbo smiled, then answered.
"Indeed, you have heard, I am the lord of this place." He said enigmatically. Behind him, the butler smiled, as did the servants, as if they had heard the best joke ever.
Of course, the dwarves did not pay attention, except Gandalf, who began to frown, trying to understand the situation.
"I did not know there were lords in the Shire." He said.
"There were none, but many things have changed since your last visit, Gandalf." Smiled the young King.
The conversation was interrupted by the entrance of Lobelia.
"Bilbo! The guards found a dwarf who wandered lost in the streets. Should I bring him to you, or throw him in a cell?" She exclaimed without further delay.
"Bringhim here Lobelia, then you can leave, Otho must be waiting for you." Replied Bilbo with a smile.
Lobelia signalled to the guards to bring the wandering dwarf, then left without delay, wishing Bilbo a good evening.
The dwarfs were all flabbergasted by the shattering entrance of this Hobbit wearing a sumptuous dress, and even more so when she mentioned a wandering dwarf. Kili and Fili could not help chuckling, including immediately who was the wandering dwarf.
It was then that two guards approached, with none other than Thorin Oakenshield between them. The dwarf was tall enough, the same size as Bilbo. He had long black hair, sapphire blue eyes, and a trimmed beard. He had square shoulders, standing upright, a scowling on his face. After having brought him, the guards left immediately.
"Gandalf! You said that this place would be easy to find. I lost my way... twice..." Exclaimed the royal dwarf.
Gandalf immediately got up to go to Thorin, Bilbo behind him.
"Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce to you the leader of this company, Thorin Oakenshield, King under the Mountain." Introduced the old coot.
Thorin turned his gaze to Bilbo, watching him from head to toe. His gaze lingered on Bilbo's beard, as well as his eyes.
"So, this is the hobbit." Pronouncing the word hobbit as an insult.
"Tell me Master Baggins, do you know how to fight? The axe, or the sword?"
"Well, I'm not bad with conkers." Replied Bilbo, then added with a mocking smile, "But to be honest, I have a preference for the sword, the axes being too cumbersome."
Thorin looked him with a different gaze, then exclaimed.
"Hm, more like grocer than a burglar."
At these words, each servant, Balin and Dwalin stiffened.
"And for a King, I find you very rude. Is this a way to address your host? On top of that, a lord? If this is your way of addressing dignitaries, I'm not surprised you have no allies." Bilbo replied quickly.
The dwarves held their breath. Thorin seemed to evaluate Bilbo from another angle.
"I beg you for forgiveness, Master Baggins, for my rudeness. Thank you for having welcomed me and my company." The rough dwarf apologised.
Bilbo nodded, accepting his apology. Finally, he returned to his throne, Thorin behind him, Gandalf having already sat down. The dwarf then took his place at the siege to the left of Bilbo, and began to eat.
"What news from the Iron Mountains? Dain is with us?" Dwalin asked.
"No, he said that this quest is ours, and only ours. No help will come from our brethren." Thorin replied.
At this remark, all the dwarves uttered a sigh of despair.
"What quest?" Cannot help but ask Bilbo.
It was then that Gandalf spoke.
"My dear Bilbo, the goal of this company is simply to take back the solitary Mountain."
Bilbo being a scholar, knew the story perfectly.
"I see ... and what about the dragon?"
"You know about the dragon?" Asked Bofur.
"Of course I know about Smaug. Do you honestly believe that the fall of one of the richest kingdoms of Middle-earth would go unnoticed?"
"Even if we go there, the door is sealed, it is impossible to enter!" Exclaimed Balin.
"That is not quite true, my dear friend." Replied Gandalf, showing in his hands a map and a key. "There is a door, hidden on the mountainside."
"Where there is a key, there must be a door." Fili added.
"Exactly." Then Gandalf handed Thorin the key.
"Where did you get this?" Asked the dwarf.
"It was given to me by your father, Thrain, for safe keeping."
"And how does all this concern me?" Bilbo asked, unable to help himself as his curiosity peaked.
At his request, all the servants listened.
"Well, to infiltrate the places, my young friend!" The old man replied cheerfully, "The dragon does not know the smell of a Hobbit!"
"I must admit that it seems interesting to me. And, what do I gain?" The hobbit asked.
"Balin, give him the contract." Thorin ordered.
Balin then extended a contract to Bilbo, who immediately read it. After about ten minutes, Bilbo glared at them.
"What is this crap you call contract?" He shouted. "It's not worth the paper it's written on!"
At these words, several soldiers entered, alarmed by the roar of their king.
The dwarves were all stunned by the reaction of Bilbo, while Gandalf took his head in his hands, muttering about the stupidity of dwarves.
"I refuse to sign such a contract!"
"What is the problem with the contract? Isn't it good enough for you?" Thorin asked sharply.
"The problem? You want to know what is the problem? Well, where to start ... Ah, yes! I, the undersigned, [referred to hereinafter as Burglar,] agree to travel to the Lonely Mountain, oath to be determined by Thorin Oakenshield, who has a right to alter the course of the journey at his so choosing, without prior notification and/or liability for accident or injury incurred. So, all in all, I'm going to have to follow a dwarf who is not able to find his way in a village through a mountain, and if he ever decides to change direction, and I'm hurt because of his changes, then it's not his fault!"
All the dwarves were silent, while the servants glared at the contract.
"But this is only the beginning! In role as Burglar for Thorin and Company, or in any other role they see fit, at their sole discretion from time to time. So in short, if Thorin or one of you orders me to get on all fours and do you a blowjob, I am obliged! You can then order me as a prostitute if you wish, and I will have no other choice but to obey!"
At these words, the youngest dwarves blushed fiercely, while the older ones hid their faces in their hands. At the same time, Gandalf choked on his wine and coughed heavily.
Some such as Dori and Bofur noticed the disgusted looks of servants and guards sent in their direction.
"But I have not finished! Oh no! Burglar agrees that any and all information given him by the Company remain Strictly Confidential. So all in all, I cannot mention what will happen during this quest." He then turns to Ori, "I understand that you are a scribe, because yes, I understand the meaning of the beads and breads in your hair, and you are a scribe. Does this mean that you too will not have the right to talk about it? To write anything? Or it only applies to me?"
At these words, Ori blushed and lowered his head, ashamed.
"No recompense for loss of income due to any extended absence applies. Burglar is 'at the service' of Thorin and Company until released therefrom. So, even if I survive the dragon, my contract only ends when you decide. All in all, you can make me your slave for life! Or, your prostitute for life, who knows?!" The Hobbit shouted, his eyes starting to shine yellow.
At this mention, Balin lowered his head.
"Furthermore, the Company shall return any and all Recovered Goods until such a time as a full and final reckoning can be made, from which the Total Profits can then be established. Then, and only then, will the Burglar's fourteenth share be calculated and divided. I think I remember you have a mountain of gold no? In short, it could take decades even before my part is calculated! Practical, when you know that Hobbits live just over a century. Ah, and more! 'Travelling Expenses' shall be understood to mean base fare as seen fit by the Company. 'Luxury' catering or accommodation over and above this standard shall be Enjoyed only at Burglar's… In addition, I must provide you any luxury I deem fit for me. Get your own Pipe weed!"
The dwarves began to struggle on their seats, while the hobbits continued to dart the Company with their eyes.
"Base funeral to 'commoner' or peasant standard is allowed for only. Lavish ceremonies and jewelled or gilded coffins not provided. Plain pine box is normal standard. Have you thought even for a second that I could be anything but a peasant? It seems like no, and I refuse to be buried in a vulgar wooden coffin! Transport of any remains, in whole or in part, back to the country of Burglar's origin is not included. So besides being in a cheap wooden coffin, you will bury me in the place of your choice, without taking into account my culture and the traditions of my people?"
This time it was Oin who looked down.
"Present Company is not obliged to assist Burglar in this so-called 'pest control' phase of the Adventure. It's a dragon hunter you want to recruit, not a burglar! In this contract, everything proves that you planned to send me to fight directly against the dragon! And you're lucky that I stop there, because this contract is a pure cloth!"
That said, Bilbo went to the fireplace and threw in the contract, drawing Thorin's angry look.
"If you want me to come with you, it will be under a contract dispute, drafted by one of my lawyers. Whereas the contract was signed by Master Balin, I authorize him to discuss it with my lawyer." He then motioned to his butler, ordering him to go fetch none other than Lobelia.
Five minutes later, Lobelia arrived, looking angry.
"What's going on Bilbo?" She asked.
"Lobelia, I wish you to write a contract, Master Balin will explain everything to you."
"Well, follow me, please." Then ordered the young woman, leaving without waiting, Balin right behind her.
Bilbo turned to the Company, glowering at Thorin.
"With that, I shall rest, my servants will show you your quarters for the night. We will see each other again tomorrow morning about this new contract. With that, I bid you a good night."
Bilbo left then, followed by his butler.
The atmosphere having completely cooled down, Gandalf glared at the Company, then left with one of the servants.
"That could have been worse." Added Nori, getting a slap behind the head from Dori.