Man out of time
Chapter Four
He set out the next morning as soon as the dawn was breaking. He'd had another terrible night and he felt as bad as he could ever remember feeling; in his desperation to get a nights sleep he'd even made himself a milky drink before he turned in just like his mother used to do but it had tasted wrong somehow and even though he'd forced himself to drink it all it hadn't helped and his night had been filled with images that both tantalised and appalled him.
And running through them all somehow central to them all had been the image of the woman. He didn't know who she was, didn't even know if she was real but she seemed real to him and this morning for the first time in a very long time he'd woken from a fitful sleep peppered with what could only be called steamy images of her with a physical reaction that was totally unexpected. At first he'd been ashamed and worried what his mother would think if she knew that he'd woken in that way but of course she wasn't here any more, she was gone and he was alone. Alone with nothing but his own mind which seemed intent on driving him mad.
And alone with the house which had always been such a safe haven was now turning into a prison . A prison that seemed intent on harming him. It seemed to him in his agitated state that the very walls were made of lies and untruths. That buried beneath the floorboards were terrible things, things that would surely tip him over into the insanity that he was sure was waiting for him.
As he pushed into the forest he knew just where he was going; he used the car for the first couple of miles bumping up and down on the old logging tracks that led off from the main road. As he drove he found himself thinking that he would be better in a Range Rover than the BMW he was driving but even as he was having that thought he wondered why. He had to the best of his knowledge never ever been in a Range Rover let alone driven one. But as he pulled the car into a clearing he had a vivid image of himself in a Range Rover; driving in heavy traffic in a city and with the woman sat by his side. She was laughing as she fiddled with the car radio and he was teasing her about her choice of music. It was a scene of such domesticity that it took his breath away and he found that for the longest time all he could do was grip the car steering wheel and sob.
Ruth looked across the open expanse of Hampstead Heath and smiled. Malcolm and James were flying a kite, well Malcolm was flying the kite James was just standing as though mesmerised as the flimsy piece of material soared ever higher into the sky. She could see that Malcolm was talking to the boy even though she couldn't hear what they were saying. She saw Malcolm laugh and give the kite string to James who set off running as fast as his little legs would carry him back towards her. As he got closer to her he could hear him calling to her "Look Mummy look! Daddy let me fly the kite. He let me fly the kite because I'm such a big boy now. I'm a big boy because I'm going to big school tomorrow. One more sleep and I'm going to big school!" And with those words he flew past her the kite bobbing along behind him.
"Not too far young man" Malcolm's voice carried across the open ground and James turned and ran back towards them panting and holding his side and as he slowed to a walk the kite floated down to earth and bobbed along the ground behind him as though it had run out of steam just like the little boy had.
"Enough for today I think" said Ruth as Malcolm took the kite string and began to wind it in pulling the brightly coloured plaything towards them.
"Oh but Mummy" the little boy began as his lips formed a perfect pout; a pout that took for a moment took Ruth's breath away. Sometimes when he looked like this she couldn't understand why other people couldn't see the resemblance. How could they be so blind? Or was it because she spent most of her time looking for signs of his father in him that she noticed so many? And were they real or did she imagine them?
"Do what Mummy says" Malcolm said as he took the boys hand in his. "Big day tomorrow my lad. You need to get a bath and don't forget we are in the middle of our story so you need to be tucked up in bed nice and early" The boy nodded his head in agreement and grabbed hold of Ruth's hand so he was walking in the middle of his parents as they made there way back down the hill to the car park and their sturdy Range Rover.
As they were nearing the car the boy looked up at his mother and said "Daddy is telling me all about Harry. I like Harry, I want Harry to be my friend. Do you think Harry would like to be my friend Mummy?"
Ruth thought for one moment that her heart was going to stop beating "Harry?" she managed to say before Malcolm scooped up the little boy and placed him in his car seat. As if in a dream Ruth slid into the passenger seat, watching in the rear view mirror as Malcolm made sure that James was strapped in securely. She must have still been in a daze because the next thing she registered was Malcolm speaking to her.
"We're reading a Harry Potter book Ruth" he said softly as he pulled his seat belt across his body indicating with his head that she should do the same. "It's Harry Potter he wants to be his friend Ruth. We'll talk about it when he's in bed shall we?"
He seemed to have been sitting in the car for ever before he somehow found the strength to open the door and step out into the fresh air. As he looked around at his surroundings it struck him how alien the whole landscape felt to him. When he'd come into the forest with his mother it had somehow felt right. She'd loved the whole place, she'd loved the isolation and the secrecy of it all and it struck him that was how they had lived their lives. They had been made of secrets he thought and in that moment he had another of the many confusing and upsetting images that were becoming such a part of his every day life. Of course it featured the woman; they were in a darkened corridor, standing facing one another, she was backed up against the wall and he was leaning into her. So close that he imagined that he could feel her breath on his cheek. So close that all he would have to do was lean forward a tiny bit and then he could claim her lips and her soul. But in his head he didn't do that just as he knew that he hadn't done it in reality. Something stopped him. Was it he wondered because he thought he had seen fear in her eyes or even worse even more frightening love?
Whatever it was he knew that something life changing had followed that encounter in that corridor but however hard he tried to search his mind for what that something was it was always just a whisper away, always just round a corner. As the tears once more rolled down his cheeks and he knew that he had to move;had to go and find what had been left for him.
After he'd checked that the car could not be seen from the road (something his mother had always insisted upon) he set off in the direction of the place where he hoped he would find a clue to his past so that he could hope for a future.